Dear boyfriend...
(This is an email I wrote -but haven't sent! What do you think? Too mean? Incoherent? At least it's honest.)
As I was awake at 4 AM due to pain in my mouth with no hope of going back to sleep, I did some errands and playing on the internet.
Of course I wandered onto Facebook... decided to see what your 'updated' page looks like. On the side bar, it still shows people you are friends with. Turns out, as random luck (?) would have it, FB showed me that you are still friends with that girl. The one you said you cut off all contact with. Hmm.
Now, there are a couple of ways I could take this.
1- you just forgot to delete her from FB (though, since the issue originated ON FB, I find that hard to believe).
2- you didn't bother because you didn't think you needed to, you didn't get around to it yet, yada yada. I'll come back to that.
In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter to me if you were still friends with her - after all, she didn't initiate the cheating (because, yes, to me it was cheating) - you did. And removing temptation won't change your behavior. I'm not telling you what to do- all I will say about it is that I was shocked to see it. And it made me feel like you were even less honest when you said you'd cut off all contact.
Getting back to #2 - you didn't think it was important/didn't do it yet - those are really the same thing because if you haven't gotten around to it yet, it's BECAUSE you don't think it's important. I want you to know that it IS important to me. I wonder if it's my fault that you don't see how important this all is to me because I haven't been consistently and openly angry with you. Let me tell you - I am still violently angry, hurt and confused on the inside. It just hurts too much and is too emotionally and physically draining to actively show it. I keep waiting for my feelings to change, for it to go away. That's why you going to therapy is so important - for one, I want you to work yourself out. It'd be so good for you to get your priorities straightened out, it'd make you so much happier. But two - yes, for me. I want you to find a way to help me past this anger. I want to feel happy and safe and secure with you again. I do get frustrated when I don't hear anything about how it's going, what you're working on, or when I don't notice anything different with you. Because then I don't feel different either, and it's crappy to feel like me right now. Want an example? Small things set me off and I can't help it right now - think about your comment of taking Evangeline Lilly to your island. That made me think - she's a brunette, this girl he cheated on me with is a brunette. Does he like brunettes better? Should I be a brunette? Which won't happen, because I like myself and the way I look. But small things like that now drive me crazy. And you can't help but make small comments, that is not your fault. But I still thought it. A crappy place to be.
You wanted to know how little I trust you. I think you know. But I can elaborate. I would never intentionally look in your phone, your email, etc. That is an invasion of privacy, it's low, it wouldn't help in the long run. But, also know that I want to. Every time you talk about a girl, I wonder, "Oh god, what's going to happen? How does he talk to/act around this one?" Every time you decide to use a new social media tool, I feel dread. Another thing I can't possibly keep track of, another outlet for him to reach out to other girls behind my back. I just keep thinking over and over, "What happens when I'm not around?"
And you might think that that is undeserved and an over-reaction - but is it? I've been thinking, and it seems like you like to keep your truths and confessions to a minimum - you share only what you have to tell. You've lied through omission to me a lot. Going to our never ending argument - Sarah. You decided to talk to her via texting/FB/G-chat whatever despite knowing it made me uncomfortable. That is shady, that's gray area because you let me think that there was no more communication- because I didn't ask - misleading. You were ok misleading me because it got you what you wanted. That is not honesty. You tried to downplay your past relationship with movie-theatre girl to my face - misleading. It makes me wonder about what else I don't know about, what else have I been told and believed that wasn't the whole truth. What has been kept from me. This is what keeps me angry.
I don't know what to do about it. I'm hoping time and change from within you will heal this. But if you think it is too hard, if I trust you so little now that it's not worth it like you said two weeks ago - if YOU think that, then there is no hope. But I also know that if I continue to find places where you've lied to me - like going back on FB, like not cutting her out completely (is she even deleted out of your phone? I have no idea) - there isn't any hope either.
As I was awake at 4 AM due to pain in my mouth with no hope of going back to sleep, I did some errands and playing on the internet.
Of course I wandered onto Facebook... decided to see what your 'updated' page looks like. On the side bar, it still shows people you are friends with. Turns out, as random luck (?) would have it, FB showed me that you are still friends with that girl. The one you said you cut off all contact with. Hmm.
Now, there are a couple of ways I could take this.
1- you just forgot to delete her from FB (though, since the issue originated ON FB, I find that hard to believe).
2- you didn't bother because you didn't think you needed to, you didn't get around to it yet, yada yada. I'll come back to that.
In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter to me if you were still friends with her - after all, she didn't initiate the cheating (because, yes, to me it was cheating) - you did. And removing temptation won't change your behavior. I'm not telling you what to do- all I will say about it is that I was shocked to see it. And it made me feel like you were even less honest when you said you'd cut off all contact.
Getting back to #2 - you didn't think it was important/didn't do it yet - those are really the same thing because if you haven't gotten around to it yet, it's BECAUSE you don't think it's important. I want you to know that it IS important to me. I wonder if it's my fault that you don't see how important this all is to me because I haven't been consistently and openly angry with you. Let me tell you - I am still violently angry, hurt and confused on the inside. It just hurts too much and is too emotionally and physically draining to actively show it. I keep waiting for my feelings to change, for it to go away. That's why you going to therapy is so important - for one, I want you to work yourself out. It'd be so good for you to get your priorities straightened out, it'd make you so much happier. But two - yes, for me. I want you to find a way to help me past this anger. I want to feel happy and safe and secure with you again. I do get frustrated when I don't hear anything about how it's going, what you're working on, or when I don't notice anything different with you. Because then I don't feel different either, and it's crappy to feel like me right now. Want an example? Small things set me off and I can't help it right now - think about your comment of taking Evangeline Lilly to your island. That made me think - she's a brunette, this girl he cheated on me with is a brunette. Does he like brunettes better? Should I be a brunette? Which won't happen, because I like myself and the way I look. But small things like that now drive me crazy. And you can't help but make small comments, that is not your fault. But I still thought it. A crappy place to be.
You wanted to know how little I trust you. I think you know. But I can elaborate. I would never intentionally look in your phone, your email, etc. That is an invasion of privacy, it's low, it wouldn't help in the long run. But, also know that I want to. Every time you talk about a girl, I wonder, "Oh god, what's going to happen? How does he talk to/act around this one?" Every time you decide to use a new social media tool, I feel dread. Another thing I can't possibly keep track of, another outlet for him to reach out to other girls behind my back. I just keep thinking over and over, "What happens when I'm not around?"
And you might think that that is undeserved and an over-reaction - but is it? I've been thinking, and it seems like you like to keep your truths and confessions to a minimum - you share only what you have to tell. You've lied through omission to me a lot. Going to our never ending argument - Sarah. You decided to talk to her via texting/FB/G-chat whatever despite knowing it made me uncomfortable. That is shady, that's gray area because you let me think that there was no more communication- because I didn't ask - misleading. You were ok misleading me because it got you what you wanted. That is not honesty. You tried to downplay your past relationship with movie-theatre girl to my face - misleading. It makes me wonder about what else I don't know about, what else have I been told and believed that wasn't the whole truth. What has been kept from me. This is what keeps me angry.
I don't know what to do about it. I'm hoping time and change from within you will heal this. But if you think it is too hard, if I trust you so little now that it's not worth it like you said two weeks ago - if YOU think that, then there is no hope. But I also know that if I continue to find places where you've lied to me - like going back on FB, like not cutting her out completely (is she even deleted out of your phone? I have no idea) - there isn't any hope either.