Dear Sasha
I wish I had something to say right now to let you kow everything is ok and that im doing just fine. But I can't. I have nothing to say to that effect. If I did it would be a flat out lie. everything has gone to shit.
Tim and I are starting to get back to okay. He thinks I just have a problem with holding onto the past. I do. But it's not just my past. It's waiting seven months to go see my doctor to get back on medication. It's not being able to get a job because I am a full time mommy who has no spare time while Allysin is awake. It's having my education on hold for more then a year because someone else can't find a balance. It's having my entire life on hold until someone else can get his straight and all kinds of fantastic while mine sits in a burning pile of shit. The only good thing in my life at this moment is Allysin. She is my piece of amazing that can make me smile no matter what.
And now the real hard part. There is a pretty good chance that I will have to move to Ohio, and Im not looking forward to it. I really would like to stay in Fl. I suppose we can move back someday. But Im afraid if we leave then we wont come back. Tim hates FL and is more then happy to leave. And I quote "I have nothing tying me to Florida." Yea. Hi, I'm right here and your daughter is sitting on my lap. We are in Florida.
I understand the thought behind the move. And Im alright with that. Im not alright with never coming back to live.Im not alright with how easily he didnt take my feelings into consideration on the matter. Im really not alright with how my family being here means nothing to him. And Im definatly not alright with how we both know if I decided to stay....Allysin would go with him........There isn't a snowballs chance in hell any judge would let me have full custody of my daughter if it ever came to that. Im a bipolar schizophrenic with a history in the system. Not a history of breaking the law. But a good enough history in asylums. And Tim and I both know it would be a huge hit against me.
I dont want it to ever come to that and neither does Tim. We are fine together. At the moment we just aren't on the same page....hell we aren't even in the same book. But I'll keep doing what I've always done. Keep my mouth shut, my thoughts to myself, agree with everyone else and smile as I go along with it all. What really sucks is Tim told me his parents won't go without us. I love his parents. They are wonderful people......but did any of them stop to consider my family in all of this? Did any of them stop to think, "hmmm we don't want to go without seeing our grandchild. I wonder if Sephy's parents feel the same?" The answer is yes.
My parents don't see Allysin nearly as much. My mom lives ten minutes away yet only see's Allysin twice a week if she's lucky. I don't always have time to go see her and one of our dog's has made her gun shy to come over here again. My dad only see's Allysin once every three months. If we move to Ohio that time will be cut down to once a year IF he's lucky and IF I can afford it.
Thats my problem here. Tim is all about his family. Well we have a daughter together and she has my family as well. Yet no one seems to thinks about that and it really makes me upset. I'm actually kind of depressed about the whole thing. Yet when I try to talk to Tim about all this it somehow ends up being about him feeling bad about his position in all of this and I end up feeling guilty and comforting him. Shouldnt this be the other way around? And in the end of all this crap somehow the convo ends with him saying "Once we get it all figured out it will be okay. We will make a yearly trip down here to see your family it'll work out." What the fuck just happened?
As I said, I love and appreciate Tim's parents. But right now I feellike asking, "I know you guys have to move to Ohio, but why does it matter if we go or not? You guys can visit us just like you assume my parents can visit me. Which wont happen because my parents can't afford to do that once a year." I dont know, maybe Im being stupid. In the end, I'll end up smiling and saying ok and just go with it. Who know's. Maybe I'll surprise myself and put my foot down and stay in Florida. If Tim wants to leave he's free to, But Ally stays with me, I'll find a way to do it.
Sasha I need help. Tell me what Im supposed to do here. Im so lost it isnt funny.
Love always,
Sephy