Dear Sasha
It's been a while since I've written to you. Things have been......differant lol. Not that it wasn't expected. I just wasn't expecting this much of a change I guess. I know I will be happy as soon as the baby gets here. I love her a ton already ^_^ We decided on naming her Allysin. Middle name to be decided. But she will have her daddy's last name. He was very insistent on that part ^_^.
Speaking of him. I can't help but have my doubts lately. I know he says he doesnt want anyone else. But alot of people have fed me that line. I don't think he would cheat. Not at all. We have had a discussion on my past worries of that. I am more then confidant that he would never do that to me.. It's not that though. It's more......I think he's questioning his choice. I think maybe he wishes he would have picked differantly for the long run.
Im not saying Im ugly or downing myself. But.......it's hard to not take a hard hit to your self esteem when he has 30 some odd pictures on his computer of a girl he used to "kind of sort of date", and she's naked and possing.....and he only has three total of me. All of which are terrible shots with my eyes closed or Im talking or my face is hidden.
And I can't help but think about how, he didn't get the chance to meet me when I looked like that girl did. Perfectly toned, flat stomach with the pretty girl abs. He met me when I was just skinny and decent. He met me long after my days of a gogo dancer. He met me after other men had ruined me. Not to say they damaged me physically....at least not permantly, well nothing to bad at least. But he met me after I gave up. I stopped my religious workouts and eating regimens. He met me when I decided to just be normal and hope for the best. Because I was done going above and beyond when no one would return the favor to me.
And seeing those pictures. Of the girl he chose to walk away from to be with me, the girl who still kept herself in the above and beyond range of upkeep on herself, makes me wonder. He deleted pictures of him and his previous ex because he didnt want to offend me. Even after I told him the past is the past, and I understand when you want to keep some things to hold onto the good memories.
Yet here we are a year later and he still has these pictures of a girl he saw for barely a month. I don't think he wishes he had her exactly. I just feel like maybe he wishes I looked even close to that. And unfortunatly at 7 months pregnant and now 21 lbs heavier then when we first met.....that image is a bit out of my reach to achieve for him. And here's the worst part. I tried to talk to him about it....but he simply did not reply. Instead he was quiet for a while and then tried to change the subject. As if to just ignore it.
Nice. And now to be honost because of how i am, I already started planning these ridiculous workout regimens and eating habits in my head for after the baby is born. All these plans to hopefully look like that, if im lucky, within four months after the baby is born. And then I have to think, well I need to eat a certain amount of certain things to make sure Ally get's what she needs from me, and then on top of workouts I have to raise a baby and keep a house clean. And then I have to start working again soon after that because my paranoia kicked in screaming at me that he wouldnt want a girl who doesnt help bring in money as well.
And then I cried. Because then I realised Im reverting back to my old self of doing everything and anything I can to make sure he wants me. I don't need someone in my life. Not by any means. But I would like him to be there. I won't be destroyed if he were to leave. I know he would still be there for Ally. But isnt it pathetic how quickly I jump to morphe myself into being what someone else wants, no matter what the cost to me. No matter how tired it will make me, How miserable it will make me, no matter what it does to me, as long as im making him happy then im doing a good job.
I know this is not the way to think. I know this is sick and twisted and pathetic. And I know this is what I did with my husband all over again. And I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I feel like I have to do these things. But when I voice these opinions and I get no response I can only take it as one answer. Do it. To me not saying anything is telling me "well you figured it out and now you know how to fix things so go ahead. I'll let you know when your good enough for me."
Not saying Tim would ever say that, but thats how I take it. I really am a stupid fucking girl. And I really need to figure myself out and stop this kind of behavior. It's the last thing I want Ally copying me on.