bad dream coming true???
hmm, Im not quite sure how to put this into words that I won't look back on and regret. But I suppose I'm just going to have to take that risk because I can't keep bottling this up. It's making me sick.
Tim has now gone past the point of not being himself. He has had panic attacks where he thinks of these conspiracy theories that everyone is in on. And how it's all too convieniant that Him and I got together when we did, got pregnant when we did, moved in together when we did. how everyone else is in on it and it's some strange thing to make his life hell.
Really? Am I that bad that I make his life hell?
On top of this there is the ever nagging reminder in the back of my head that things arent the same with us anymore. I try to do things we used to together but it just feels like Im pushing myself on him. Like he wants me to back off. The headphones on almost constantly is my biggest hint. Or the new found "lets find anything to keep me out of the house and busy without you" tactic is working as well. But then he says he wants to spend time with me. Well, then spend time with me. Sitting in the room together while you put on headphones and play a game or talk to everyone else while I sit there and read a book is not spending time together.
And I try to suggest things, but they always backfire. Like "lets go to the Q room for happy hour and play pool." Well if Mark and Chad are there then Im guarenteed a spot in a chair and a good three hours of no one speaking to me except for the occasional bit of polite banter. And if they aren't there I am still guarenteed a seat where I do nothing but watch him play round after round of pool by himself and I go on my phone for entertainment. It's not like I wanted to play, I mean I only suggested going out there so I could have a new seat to sit my ass down in anyways.
Yes Im getting a bit bitter about all of it.
Oh and lets not forget, the girls at work. Oh how I adore the fucking girls at his work. And how when he brings me up there to eat on his time off or even just to bring him a soda at 3am (not that I was sleeping or anything) and how the cozy right up next to him in the seat beside him and flirt and push their chest out to talk to him and flash their fucking eyelashes like a cheesy ass movie. Nope doesn't bother me one bit. Especially when he moves to sit closer to them, and farther from me, and entirely ignores me to flirt right back with them. Nope im not bothered at all. I only got out of bed in the middle of the night to bring you soda and watch you flirt anyways its cool.
And I love how I get the "it's part of my job as a bartender to flirt." yes it is....with your fucking customers and not the waitresses and other bartenders. With their still tiny waists and never had a baby, smooth tan skin, nice legs and ass and tits that look fake their so perfect. Nope doesnt bother me one little fucking bit.
And lets not forget that he knows I take his word on how long it takes to close. Amazing how on the nights he doesnt ask me to come up to see him it takes til 4AM to get home, yet on the nights I get called to bring a soda and sit and watch him flirt we are home by 3am at the latest. And thats with a stop to walmart on the way. Amazing right?.
I hate even thinking about venting a small bit of this to Tim though. I feel like im being ungrateful for what he's doing for me right now. He is taking care of me so that I can take care of being pregnant and then take care of Ally until I can go back to work.
But at the same time I can't stop having these horrible nightmares where Tim is off with another girl from work, in a back room, a car, a bar, anywhere. And Im stuck at home like an idiot.