I kinda hate this shit.
I hate how right now I feel like I'm constantly down on myself. I don't think I'm good enough or pretty enough. I hate how I keep comparing myself to other people from your past, and I hate how I find nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with me. I hate how I can't seem to understand why your with me, why you got with me to begin with, why your still here, why you didn't run. I love that your here. I don't ever want you to go anywhere. But I hate how I fear you will one day.
I hate how my past is coming back to haunt me once again. Not in a live sense for once, but the memories are all over my mind. It's almost been a year. No one's made it a year. It always ends in tears and pain. It always ends with me discovering another woman. With me not hating them but hating myself for not being better. It ends with me analyzing every last thing I ever did wrong. And I hate how I feel the need to tell myself everyday, multiple times a day, that your not them. Your differant. I don't think you would even be capable of doing that to another person because you are that good of a person.
I hate how I watch for every little sign of trouble, and I hate how I feel guilty for doing it. I hate how I can't seem to bring myself to just talk to you about all of this. I know what you would say, and I know you wouldn't be mad. You would probably try to make me feel better about my guilty thoughts. And I hate how even though I know all of this I still worry. I can't help but still think that you could have done much better then myself. Im not saying i'm worthless. I just don't feel like I deserve someone like you.
Maybe it is just my past and how I'm used to being treated. But I never once thought I would be anything more then friends with someone like you. You have a great life and a fantastic family. You don't take things for granted and you have ambitions and goals and you go for what you want. Your awesome to hang out with and be around. I don't think you have a mean bone in your entire body.
And that makes me analyze every little thing wrong about me for you. My family isn't all that great, we function, thats about it. There's more dirt under my family's rug, more skeletons in our family closet than you could ever count. We are far from perfect. Im not ashamed of my family. My blood is my blood and i will always stand by them right or wrong. I will defend them when they need it, I may not approve of their way, but i will be there.
I have dreams and goals and ambition, but my reality is much differant then yours. My reality is a broken home, too many kids and not enough money. A monthly check for a dead father that got wasted on drugs and booze. My money to become something was thrown away without my permission. I had to work very hard for what little I have now. School was never a very big option because of cost. I've been denied student loans thanks to my parents and how they default on their many past debts. And when your working 45 hours a week at the best job you could find and it hardly pays your bills while keeping you alive, well school isnt affordable.
And mean bones, I've got plenty. I have left them in the past. But im far from proud of what I used to be, a con artist in a skirt, a hood in dress cloths. I've beaten people to a bloody pulp for less then the cost of a gallon of gas, I've beaten people for street cred. I used to be a horrible person who didn't care who i had to hurt to keep myself up. I used to justify it by saying it's what I had to do to get by. But when I look back I knw there were other ways, but violence was easy and it made me feel better about myself to know I wasn't just another weak little poor girl who was gonna have to be quiet and timid her whole life. I could protect myself at least. And if need be I could fight my way to were I needed to be.
I know it's hard to believe because Im an entirely differant person now from what I was then. Im non violent, I do everything the honost way, I am scared of some people. I worked myself up so high when I was younger that I fell pretty hard when I was knocked down. And by someone I was supposed to trust to take care of me no less. It's not a very pretty scene when you marry your childhood sweetheart who's always been there for you, only to have him beat you the way you've beaten countless strangers. To know I once had the same look on my face when beating someone, a look for strangers, but in my husbands eyes.
Thats when it all changed. I had to be perfect. I needed to make sure I never gave him reason to do that ever again. And then he started cheating. And I couldn't see anything wrong with the other women. I saw what they had that I did not. And so I tried to change that as well. But no matter how much I changed it was never enough. Eventually i lost myself completely.
years later I meet someone like you and i feel normal again. For once I don't feel like I have to change anything at all for any reason for you. I don't think I can even make you angry. I don;t understand it at all to tell you the truth. There's always been something I have to change, something i need to fix something to be done differantly, anything. But with you Im at a loss. Not even your body language tells me that I need to change or you dont like something. I dont get it. Everyone changes something with me. I know im far from perfect. I know my flaws. I know my faults. Yet you dont seem to have any problems with them. None of them. Hell you dont even judge me from my past. Everyone judges me over that, even the parts I have no control over. But you don't.
It was nice to get this all off my chest......maybe one day I'll get the guts to actually tell you this instead of writting a journal online that you can't see. Maybe.
Sephy