dear sasha
Sasha,
It's been awhile since i've written to you. I have this strange feeling that something bad is going to happen soon. Not with the baby. the baby is doing wonderfully. It's Tim. He's differant lately. We don't talk as much anymore. We actually dont do much of anything anymore. i know we work opposite scheduals and all. But it's strange. He doesn't come to see me at work anymore. He used to stop in for a sandwich or just a hug before he went into work. And he used to text me throughout the day to say hi.
Not anymore. He texts me to say have a good day and that he's off to work and he'll see me at home later. Thats it. He doesnt come in to see me anymore either. It's not like it's out of the way. We work in the same plaza. Even when I go to see him, it's like he's in a rush to have me leave. I dont bother him. He used to love it when I came to see him at work. Now I feel like I'm bothering him.
Even at home. I try to talk to him about things, anything really. But he usually just stays quiet, when I point it out he says he just didnt hear me. I don't know what to do. Im not upset though. Dissappointed, but not upset. Im worried because we had a discussion a few weeks back, he was talking about all the girls he dated between mandy and myself. And all the things he did with them, all the dates they went on. He even spoke about dates he and Mandy used to go on. And I felt......cheated.
He spent all this time and effort and even money on all these other girls just to impress them. They would go to sea world and disney and universal and all these extravigant resturants for dinner or just drinks. He even told me how on one date alone it wasnt unusual for him to spend two hundred dollars.
Im not one to have someone spend that kind of money on me, it makes me uncomfortable. But at the same time, I felt like, like maybe he settled for me. Like im not the one he really wanted. But i was the second best that he could get. he never felt the need to try and impress me. We've gone to the movies, and to dinner. But it's always here in town and always the same old places. He admits himself, we still have yet to go on a first date. Im four months pregnant with his child and we havent gone on a first date. I feel special.
I tried to talk to him about this. he said i was being silly and that he loved me. I told him i dont doubt that he cares for me. But the facts kind of point out otherwise. I hate admitting this but we rarely have sex anymore either. It's bad enough my self esteem has gone down the drain with my self image. But now this. I feel like maybe a part of him resents me for not having an abortion. I still cant forgive him for suggesting that. And all to avoid having to tell his parents we were pregnant. Not for medical reasons. But just so he wouldnt have to tell mommy and daddy that he's not fucking perfect......Thats uncalled for. Im just mad. But it is a fucked up reason. He did apologize, but there's that part of me everytime he doesnt talk that thinks maybe he really meant it. And because of that i cant forgive him saying it.
I dont know what to do Sasha. I try to show everyone else that Im alright, But Im not. the truth is most nights I sit at home by myself and cry. I dont have anywhere to go and I dont know who to talk to. I dont want to bother anyone. Jamies got her own world going on and pixi works two jobs and holly is still taking Sams death very hard. I dont know what to do.
My boss let me know i'll be getting a refew in a few weeks which means a raise. She knows I need more money for the baby. Im thinking of asking her to keep me at my high hours though, I have a feeling im going to need to afford my own place here for me and the baby very soon. Maybe I'll see if anyone wants to be a roommate with me at a cheap place. As long as they dont mind a crying baby at night.
If worse comes to worse my brother Goat told me That me and wiggles are always more then welcome to live with him and my goddaughter. He knows I dont want to leave clermont. But he doesnt know tim well enough to help me through this. He just said he doesnt think tim would be that guy. Then again he doesnt know tim wanted me to kill the baby just to avoid telling his parents he fucked up.
I need help Sasha, I need something, and soon. Please help me.
Love always,
Sephy