And the numbers keep growing
Sooo...add three more to the list of persons who have passed away. All three in the last eight days. What the fuck, fate??
You know, I've worked hard. Really, really hard to get my shit together. I cut back on the drinking, the drugs, the negativity and have been trying to make a life for myself. Optimism and the knowledge that you get out what you put in makes it easier to achieve your goals. Much of it is working out quite swimmingly. But this shit right here??
How do you expect me to NOT be cynical when you pull that many awesome individuals from the planet just so we can bury them beneath it.
I can't, I just...can't anymore.
I get so scared that the next one will be someone close. Just so close that I can't bare it.
I used to live in such a dark time when I didn't feel like being here and I'd start to take actual steps to see that it happened. So close, but I always made the right decision at the last second and would save my own life. Those days are gone, and in the last decade I only spoke about it because it felt better to talk about it than to start doing it in silence. That's when it's scary because it isn't for attention; it's for real. But if the world keeps on shitting on me, then I get nervous that I'll revert back to that lost kid from 1997 and start the process again.
I'm not there, not even close so no cause for alarm. But it does scare me. Any one loss is devastating, but you can work through it because it's life. It starts, and it ends. However if you see that end happen so fucking often in such a short period of time you start to wonder, "Why not me, too? It's easier than dealing with this shit".
And it almost makes sense because you know it's going to happen anyway. It becomes the norm.
So now that I am not suicidal, this shit happens and it makes me scared that I'll die anyway. These last three - all good people - dead. Just here one day and laughing, then cold and blue the next.
Yes it can happen to me.
And I'm scared, really scared it will. I finally want to live and enjoy my life and I think I'm going to die anyway. Call it irony, coincidence, or whichever is actually correct but it's all the same. That's just how life works.
So let me say this to fate while I still have the chance:
Fuck you.
You know, I've worked hard. Really, really hard to get my shit together. I cut back on the drinking, the drugs, the negativity and have been trying to make a life for myself. Optimism and the knowledge that you get out what you put in makes it easier to achieve your goals. Much of it is working out quite swimmingly. But this shit right here??
How do you expect me to NOT be cynical when you pull that many awesome individuals from the planet just so we can bury them beneath it.
I can't, I just...can't anymore.
I get so scared that the next one will be someone close. Just so close that I can't bare it.
I used to live in such a dark time when I didn't feel like being here and I'd start to take actual steps to see that it happened. So close, but I always made the right decision at the last second and would save my own life. Those days are gone, and in the last decade I only spoke about it because it felt better to talk about it than to start doing it in silence. That's when it's scary because it isn't for attention; it's for real. But if the world keeps on shitting on me, then I get nervous that I'll revert back to that lost kid from 1997 and start the process again.
I'm not there, not even close so no cause for alarm. But it does scare me. Any one loss is devastating, but you can work through it because it's life. It starts, and it ends. However if you see that end happen so fucking often in such a short period of time you start to wonder, "Why not me, too? It's easier than dealing with this shit".
And it almost makes sense because you know it's going to happen anyway. It becomes the norm.
So now that I am not suicidal, this shit happens and it makes me scared that I'll die anyway. These last three - all good people - dead. Just here one day and laughing, then cold and blue the next.
Yes it can happen to me.
And I'm scared, really scared it will. I finally want to live and enjoy my life and I think I'm going to die anyway. Call it irony, coincidence, or whichever is actually correct but it's all the same. That's just how life works.
So let me say this to fate while I still have the chance:
Fuck you.