It's been a long, loney, loney, loney time...
It seems as though the closer I get to a person, the farther away I feel...even my mother makes me feel that way...is it me, is it her? What ever it is, I want it to stop. Is it because I feel the only closeness I can feel to someone is when I am trying to make them happy by appeasing them? My mother seems to have a closeness with my sister at times, It is usually when she and I have had a fight...we fight so passionately...mostly with her calling me names trying to aggitate me...It rocks...makes me hard as nails. Her, I just tell her she is crazy and usually she believes it...Mostly because I know how to aggitate back. It usually starts with her coming unglued. She hurts me when I think she thinks those things of me. But since my father moved out, our world has opened up. She doesn't react the same way. But I found myself acting out like he did, very childish...I love it...I wish we were all little again, kicking each others asses on the playground...I would have my mother eating dirt when she acted that way to me. I almost told her that she wasn't my mother tonight...I had to stop and really grasp what was going on...thank God I was drinking wine and not vodka, because I would have probably ended up somewhere that I didn't feel like being...Have I told you about Sigurd...I will in a moment. Anyway, I am using him as my saving Grace, which by the way, tonight I felt as though I didn't deserve him...It was not a good feeling by the way, because I really like him...it is one that I will try to avoid. Heaven Help US! Sigurd is my fantasy man...he is so cute and so fucking sweet, I will have to write more soon...I am going to Kareoke to sing my fucking heart out...Tracy, I hope you read this and get in touch with me soon....