The New Year is almost here...
I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to my new life...my life after Stephen...my life after my parents, my life after my sister, my life after my entire known world...Steve quickly became a part of my life...when I look back I see myself bringing him towards me...I enitiated our coming together...I loved him very much...I still love and care about him...I fantisize that he and I will end up together...but it really is fantasy...I fantasize about a lot of different things...I believe that it is a form of prayer. Whatever it is, a lot of them have come true...Prayers are answered after all. I wanted so much for Steve to fullfill me...he didn't. I needed someone to be outgoing and very open...I wanted to get involved in someone elses life besides my own...I didn't care about the risks or the outcome...I wanted to ride the wave, like a surfer. He wasn't the wave...he was more of the boogie boarding type...just skimming across the surface...me, I like to ride the pike and jump the wake..with him it was like skating over glass...a little bit of a thrill, but not enought umphhhh. Still, he has his good qualities...he is patient and kind, doesn't boast all of the time (something I loath)he got jealous a lot in the beginning, and was even envious in the end...but I don't fault him...we are not perfect creatures...we are always being taught...hopefully we will learn what truely makes us happy. I am going to have to move from my condo...I feel it is what God wants me to do...I have found an awesome place to rent, hopefully it will be where I end up...I love its location...it is right on the Chatahoochee and in Dunwoody...I always told Steve that Dunwoody is a great location...he loves Alpharetta even though he works in Dunwoody---that is where he spends most of his time...fucking liar...he loves it there...he just wanted it all to himself...I like Alpharetta too, but to be honest, I feel like I should be driving a BMW and living with a guy named Dane...I am not financially ready for that...I hope to be one day...more so mentally prepared for something so grand...who knows? I am still learing about who the hell I am and what I enjoy...like I said before, I knew that living with Steve was going to be a risk...he told me from the beginning that he didn't see us walking down the isle...thank God he said that to me because I knew that all along and I never got hurt...I suppose now in all of my new love affairs I will rememeber that and not fantasize about marrying every Man I meet...in my heart I know that I will know who the right man is for me...I just pray that he knows it too. It is really not going to be that important to me...I don't want to be swept away or do I? Nope...I want to be friends first...buddies even...I want the man to need me more than I need him...I guess that is so I won't feel like I will lose him to another woman...who am I fooling (myself) I won't know what hit me when I meet him and I won't care who I lose him to...I don't control anyone or anything...I am still dreaming...but life is but a dream. God I hope this new place works out for me...if it doesn't I will make it my goal to live there...I also dream about a place I enjoy living at so much that I lose myself there and end up spending more time than I thought I would...