Graduate blues?
So I've been at Lifetime for a while and it is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it could be.
I know how to lose weight...I know what to do & what not to do...and when I do what I am not supposed to do, I gain. It's pretty cut & dry...but allow me to stop losing weight & give me a little freedom, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. At times I want to go back to total weight loss mode because that's what I knew for so long...but when I try to do that, my little mind reminds me that I am at goal & lifetime & I don't need to do this...most times this is when I am chowing down on a high points food such as Taco Time or ice cream or anything that I haven't really allowed myself to have but now since I am at lifetime I can have it. Convenient, huh?
And I find that meetings are harder too...I love them, don't get me wrong...but sometimes I feel like some of the women there don't think that they can relate to me...like I made lifetime and instantly I am not struggling so I can't possibly understand anymore. And as a Lifetimer, I worry about sounding preachy like some of the other lifetimers are. I struggle just as much as the next girl...this is hard...and I am proud of myself when I do overcome these struggles, or ramp up the exercise, but sometimes I am reluctant to share this & receive a bravo because the women might be rolling their eyes and saying to themselves "yeah, yeah...you're so great...you've made lifetime & are just superwoman"...with all the tongue & cheek they can muster. I know that sometimes I do this very same thing to myself when the preachy lifetimers pipe up...and I am SO conscious of trying to NOT do this...and at times it kinda bums me out...it makes me feel like I am not really one of the group anymore...
Don't get me wrong...I am SO proud of my accomplishments...that I actually made it and achieved my goal! But I kinda wonder if the graduate blues is what is causing me to not handle my food well? Do I subconsciously want to gain a little back so I can get back into the club? I can't imagine that, but I do know the sense of loss that I feel now that I am "not struggling to lose weight"...technically I am not losing anymore...and when I think about my original goal of 145, instead of my current lifetime goal of 150, I wonder if I should try for that? It might make me feel like one of the crowd again...but then again I shouldn't do this for the group's approval.
I am just rambling my thoughts out...just trying to sort out how to handle this whole lifetime thing. I want to be able to have a little freedom with eating...I am really good at following the plan to a "t" for weightloss mode...but for maintenance & lifetime? I want to be able to have a cookie for 3 points and have it be that...not have one cookie snowball into 6 cookies, 18 points later...which then leads to the "screw it" mentality & I am chowing down like I have never had an eating problem. When will I be able to control this? When will I be able to have the one cookie & be fine with that? The stream of consciousness does run through my head while I am doing this...that it will take so many hours of running & working out to combat all the damage I am doing, but while I am doing it, I could care less...why? How can I change that? This isn't something that one gets overnight...and maybe I was expecting to attain lifetime & instantly be blessed with the ability to easily maintain without a problem? Whatever I expected, I never thought it would be this hard...
This is a lifestyle change...not a diet...and I need to view it as such...when I deprive myself of things, I am treating it as a diet...but how can I not given my track record? How can I make this a lifestyle without deprivation? I have always told people that it is just better if I don't even have a taste of the treat, because if I do, I know what I am missing and I want more...and will obsess about more and inevitably overeat the item that I tried so hard to resist in the first place.
I don't expect an answer...I am just venting out into the void...I just wish that someone could wave a magic wand & I would be blessed with all the answers & desires to follow the plan for this new lifestyle change. Please??
I know how to lose weight...I know what to do & what not to do...and when I do what I am not supposed to do, I gain. It's pretty cut & dry...but allow me to stop losing weight & give me a little freedom, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. At times I want to go back to total weight loss mode because that's what I knew for so long...but when I try to do that, my little mind reminds me that I am at goal & lifetime & I don't need to do this...most times this is when I am chowing down on a high points food such as Taco Time or ice cream or anything that I haven't really allowed myself to have but now since I am at lifetime I can have it. Convenient, huh?
And I find that meetings are harder too...I love them, don't get me wrong...but sometimes I feel like some of the women there don't think that they can relate to me...like I made lifetime and instantly I am not struggling so I can't possibly understand anymore. And as a Lifetimer, I worry about sounding preachy like some of the other lifetimers are. I struggle just as much as the next girl...this is hard...and I am proud of myself when I do overcome these struggles, or ramp up the exercise, but sometimes I am reluctant to share this & receive a bravo because the women might be rolling their eyes and saying to themselves "yeah, yeah...you're so great...you've made lifetime & are just superwoman"...with all the tongue & cheek they can muster. I know that sometimes I do this very same thing to myself when the preachy lifetimers pipe up...and I am SO conscious of trying to NOT do this...and at times it kinda bums me out...it makes me feel like I am not really one of the group anymore...
Don't get me wrong...I am SO proud of my accomplishments...that I actually made it and achieved my goal! But I kinda wonder if the graduate blues is what is causing me to not handle my food well? Do I subconsciously want to gain a little back so I can get back into the club? I can't imagine that, but I do know the sense of loss that I feel now that I am "not struggling to lose weight"...technically I am not losing anymore...and when I think about my original goal of 145, instead of my current lifetime goal of 150, I wonder if I should try for that? It might make me feel like one of the crowd again...but then again I shouldn't do this for the group's approval.
I am just rambling my thoughts out...just trying to sort out how to handle this whole lifetime thing. I want to be able to have a little freedom with eating...I am really good at following the plan to a "t" for weightloss mode...but for maintenance & lifetime? I want to be able to have a cookie for 3 points and have it be that...not have one cookie snowball into 6 cookies, 18 points later...which then leads to the "screw it" mentality & I am chowing down like I have never had an eating problem. When will I be able to control this? When will I be able to have the one cookie & be fine with that? The stream of consciousness does run through my head while I am doing this...that it will take so many hours of running & working out to combat all the damage I am doing, but while I am doing it, I could care less...why? How can I change that? This isn't something that one gets overnight...and maybe I was expecting to attain lifetime & instantly be blessed with the ability to easily maintain without a problem? Whatever I expected, I never thought it would be this hard...
This is a lifestyle change...not a diet...and I need to view it as such...when I deprive myself of things, I am treating it as a diet...but how can I not given my track record? How can I make this a lifestyle without deprivation? I have always told people that it is just better if I don't even have a taste of the treat, because if I do, I know what I am missing and I want more...and will obsess about more and inevitably overeat the item that I tried so hard to resist in the first place.
I don't expect an answer...I am just venting out into the void...I just wish that someone could wave a magic wand & I would be blessed with all the answers & desires to follow the plan for this new lifestyle change. Please??