Keep Out, Claudia! Part 1!
Greeting, lovelies! So, even though it's hot as Satan's ballsack I've been listening to music all day and that always makes me super productive. Like, I even decided to forgo Tumblr in favor of snarking. Because when you listen to music and an interesting video comes up, you have to decide if it's worth muting your music. And frankly, it's too damned hot for that kind of desicion making. So, I went the snark route. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's start with the cover:
Well, there's your problem, Claudia! That kid is clearly Fuckface McClownstick! Why does Hodges keep drawing kids as that fucker? Celeste looks much older than two. But she acts older than two so there might be some shenanigans there. She's also giving Claudia the 'Redrum' finger. Claudia is actually wearing the outfit in the book so some points for Hodges.
I had to include the UK cover because it's hilariously ugly. The UK covers always remind me of when a horror movie gets a poster from like Thailand or somewhere. Claudia looks as old as Mimi and, I'm guessing that's Celeste, is just begging for a roundhouse kick to the jaw. Also, I'm pretty sure Claudia's shirt is of Bizzy Bee from 'The Venture Brothers'.
Chapter 1!
Claudia is sitting for the Rodowskys and says Jackie is looking at her from under his 'fringe of red bangs'. Uh, does Jackie have an emo haircut? Well, if I got picked on as much as he does, I'd be a sad boy too. They're listening to Shea practice piani and Jackie says he's practicing 'a doggie-o'. Claudia doesn't know what that is even though she informs us Bach is 'awesome'. This is like when Jem met Mozart and Kimber thought he was outrageous. Yes, that happened.
Jackie, of course, knocks over the Lego rocket he and Archie are building and Claudia suggests he take Bo for a walk. Once Jackie is off probably walking into oncoming traffic, Archie tells Claudia he wants to do something that makes people clap for him and that's easy peasy, Archie-kins, just throw Karen off a cliff. Claudia gives us some exposition and a lovely example of her spelling with 'sikiatrist', 'choklit' and 'chezkak' My God...the red lines...'Chezkak' sounds like a cat hacking up a particularly troublesome hairball. It's cheesecake btw.
Claudia gives a dig about Janine's glasses and 'frumpy, dowdy clothes' because dressing like a tie dyed Juggalo in a side ponytail is so much more fashionable and mature. Jackie comes back in with Bo and Archie is still saying he wants to be a star. That's easy peasy, Archie-kins, just take Karen out to the desert and let her get eaten by a graboid. Claudia's rusty brain cogs start turning and she thinks maybe the club can come up with some kinda musical project for their clients. What? Is it Tuesday already?!
Chapter 2!
Just your usual chapter 2 infodump with the BSC talking over their new project and Mary Anne landing a job with some new clients the Lowells and something else...what was it? Oh, yeah...THE BIGGEST LIE IN ALL CHRISTENDOM! Get a load of this shit! 'If kids don’t agree with Dawn, she doesn’t care'.
Huh wha a fuh huh?! How did that get printed without the printing press catching fire?! How did Ann write that without catching fire?! Dawn doesn't care when other people disagree with her?! Dawn Read Schafer?! Dawn who rewrote a play to fit in her ideals?! Dawn who bullied Mary Anne into sharing a room then scared her out because she wanted the radio off?! Dawn who pouted about people not liking her enough to put her in charge of a recycling center?! Dawn who tortured her sister and best friend for getting a haircut?! Dawn who threw the universe's most epic little bitch fit because she didn't agree with her dad's decision to remarry?! That fucking Dawn?! I've been staring at this page for fifteen minutes trying to find the words but I'm afraid Ann totally fried my brain. I'm just- I don't know. I believe in a lot of crazy things but even I have my limits so, let's just move on.
Chapter 3!
Hoo boy! What was I doing? Oh, yeah...snarking...yeah. So, Mary Anne has a sitting job with the Lowells, Caitlin (8), Mackenzie (6), and Celeste (2). And I hope no one here is named Mackenzie because as an 80s baby that name is ruined for me because of this fucker right here:
It's also ruined for me because it's common with suburban wine moms. You know the kind I mean. The kind that Mrs Lowell obviously is. Wine mom introduces Mary Anne to the kids and to Hodges' credit, they're dressed exactly like they are on the cover. Mary Anne says they look like dolls and don't smile. Mrs Lowell leaves and Celeste cries a bit but Mary Anne cheers her up. She asks them what they want to do and they say they want to know about her family. She tells them about Tigger and the queen of the harpies and the rest of the BSC. When she tells them Mal is part of a litter they say she must be Catholic. I know that's supposed to be bigoted but I find it hilarious. Mainly because my family is non-practicing Catholics and everyone but me has a shit ton of brats. Like yeah, kid, we think condoms were sent by the Devil and it sucks.
They ask Mary Anne what religion she is and she totally blows it by saying Presbyterian instead of doing what I'd do, scream 'Satanism!' and throw them the horns. Again, I should really be writing fanfic. After asking her a million questions, she takes the kids outside to play till Celeste gets tired. Caitlin asks if they can watch 'Leave it to Beaver' because that's the only other show besides Lucy and the Bradys that exists in Stoneybrook. Mary Anne says okay and somehow K Ron doesn't come screeching out a manhole about 'No! That's the devil box! Put on a play instead!' The two olda kids settle down with the Satan Square and Mary Anne watches Celeste draw. She hears the other kids laughing and when she goes to check on them, they're watching something with two Asian kids riding bikes. And even though they giggle 'Look at their eyes!' Mary Anne doesn't get it. Really Mary Anne? Because it's pretty fucking obvious what they're laughing about. I get that Stoneybrook is a community of sheltered toddlers but I would think she'd realize what they're laughing about.
Chapter 4!
Claudia is sitting for the Newtons (I couldn't remember their name and kept thinking 'Jamie...Kennedy?) and she asks Jamie if he'd like to have Myriah and Gabbie over. He says yeah, so she calls Dawn who's sitting at the Perkins. When the girls come over, Stacey calls asking if she can bring Charlotte over and Mary Anne does the same about the Hobarts. After a while, all the kids are gathered in the Newtons yard and...zzzz. Sorry, this is incredibly boring. I'm gonna skim the kids setting up a band and only point out a few things. Like the fact that getting the kids together to form a band was Claudia's idea and not K Ron's. In fact they make good headway in getting everything taken care of without K Ron even there. Mm hmm! What ideas has K Ron come up with on her own? Bullying her friends? Nah, that's not an idea. That's just how she naturally acts. The only other thing to note is that Charlotte is taking guitar lessons but in 'Stacey vs the BSC' she took piano lessons. So, that's either a continuity mistake or she playing in this bullshit band made her give up guitar. Take your pick.
Chapter 5!
Claudia has her first sitting job at the Lowells and when wine mom answers the door she looks at Claudia like she's pissing herself and giggling about what a joy it is. She enters the house and Mrs Lowell looks everywhere but at her. Claudia remembers she was eating on the way over and she probably has an entire mallomar stuck in her teeth. She does a quick check but her teeth are clean. She then realizes she's dressed as her usual hot mess self and thinks that must be the problem. Mrs Lowell seems hesitant to leave but finally does once the olda kids return home.
Claudia gives them a snack of oreos and they don't listen to her when she says they've had enough. They run around screaming and wake up Celeste. Claudia goes to check on her but they stop her and say they need to talk to her first. She thinks that's a good idea and lets them. After a minute she goes into her room and asks Celeste if she wants a snack. The olda kids yell about wanting a snack too and when Claudia tells them they just had one, they say they'll tell their mom she's mean. And if you cut the racist shit, I wish kids told this to the BSC more often. Like when Dawn was bullying Jenny and kicked her out of her own sister's room. Something to let them no they're not happy with how they run things.
Claudia tries reverse psychology on them by saying the better eat all the oreos then and they're like 'Cool beans!' Before she can dig herself out of that hole, the phone rings. It's Mary Anne who's at the Hobarts and wants to know if she wants to bring the Lowells to band practice. The band practice section is blessedly short and soon Claudia has to take the Lowells home. They whine and cry and don't want to leave Mary Anne. When she gets them home, she engages them in a game of memory. But they keep leaving and sneaking grapes. She tells them to stop it and they're like 'Uh uh! You said no more oreos!' and she prays for wine mom to return.
-Song of the Day!-
Let's start with the cover:
Well, there's your problem, Claudia! That kid is clearly Fuckface McClownstick! Why does Hodges keep drawing kids as that fucker? Celeste looks much older than two. But she acts older than two so there might be some shenanigans there. She's also giving Claudia the 'Redrum' finger. Claudia is actually wearing the outfit in the book so some points for Hodges.
I had to include the UK cover because it's hilariously ugly. The UK covers always remind me of when a horror movie gets a poster from like Thailand or somewhere. Claudia looks as old as Mimi and, I'm guessing that's Celeste, is just begging for a roundhouse kick to the jaw. Also, I'm pretty sure Claudia's shirt is of Bizzy Bee from 'The Venture Brothers'.
Chapter 1!
Claudia is sitting for the Rodowskys and says Jackie is looking at her from under his 'fringe of red bangs'. Uh, does Jackie have an emo haircut? Well, if I got picked on as much as he does, I'd be a sad boy too. They're listening to Shea practice piani and Jackie says he's practicing 'a doggie-o'. Claudia doesn't know what that is even though she informs us Bach is 'awesome'. This is like when Jem met Mozart and Kimber thought he was outrageous. Yes, that happened.
Click to viewJackie, of course, knocks over the Lego rocket he and Archie are building and Claudia suggests he take Bo for a walk. Once Jackie is off probably walking into oncoming traffic, Archie tells Claudia he wants to do something that makes people clap for him and that's easy peasy, Archie-kins, just throw Karen off a cliff. Claudia gives us some exposition and a lovely example of her spelling with 'sikiatrist', 'choklit' and 'chezkak' My God...the red lines...'Chezkak' sounds like a cat hacking up a particularly troublesome hairball. It's cheesecake btw.
Claudia gives a dig about Janine's glasses and 'frumpy, dowdy clothes' because dressing like a tie dyed Juggalo in a side ponytail is so much more fashionable and mature. Jackie comes back in with Bo and Archie is still saying he wants to be a star. That's easy peasy, Archie-kins, just take Karen out to the desert and let her get eaten by a graboid. Claudia's rusty brain cogs start turning and she thinks maybe the club can come up with some kinda musical project for their clients. What? Is it Tuesday already?!
Chapter 2!
Just your usual chapter 2 infodump with the BSC talking over their new project and Mary Anne landing a job with some new clients the Lowells and something else...what was it? Oh, yeah...THE BIGGEST LIE IN ALL CHRISTENDOM! Get a load of this shit! 'If kids don’t agree with Dawn, she doesn’t care'.
Huh wha a fuh huh?! How did that get printed without the printing press catching fire?! How did Ann write that without catching fire?! Dawn doesn't care when other people disagree with her?! Dawn Read Schafer?! Dawn who rewrote a play to fit in her ideals?! Dawn who bullied Mary Anne into sharing a room then scared her out because she wanted the radio off?! Dawn who pouted about people not liking her enough to put her in charge of a recycling center?! Dawn who tortured her sister and best friend for getting a haircut?! Dawn who threw the universe's most epic little bitch fit because she didn't agree with her dad's decision to remarry?! That fucking Dawn?! I've been staring at this page for fifteen minutes trying to find the words but I'm afraid Ann totally fried my brain. I'm just- I don't know. I believe in a lot of crazy things but even I have my limits so, let's just move on.
Chapter 3!
Hoo boy! What was I doing? Oh, yeah...snarking...yeah. So, Mary Anne has a sitting job with the Lowells, Caitlin (8), Mackenzie (6), and Celeste (2). And I hope no one here is named Mackenzie because as an 80s baby that name is ruined for me because of this fucker right here:
It's also ruined for me because it's common with suburban wine moms. You know the kind I mean. The kind that Mrs Lowell obviously is. Wine mom introduces Mary Anne to the kids and to Hodges' credit, they're dressed exactly like they are on the cover. Mary Anne says they look like dolls and don't smile. Mrs Lowell leaves and Celeste cries a bit but Mary Anne cheers her up. She asks them what they want to do and they say they want to know about her family. She tells them about Tigger and the queen of the harpies and the rest of the BSC. When she tells them Mal is part of a litter they say she must be Catholic. I know that's supposed to be bigoted but I find it hilarious. Mainly because my family is non-practicing Catholics and everyone but me has a shit ton of brats. Like yeah, kid, we think condoms were sent by the Devil and it sucks.
They ask Mary Anne what religion she is and she totally blows it by saying Presbyterian instead of doing what I'd do, scream 'Satanism!' and throw them the horns. Again, I should really be writing fanfic. After asking her a million questions, she takes the kids outside to play till Celeste gets tired. Caitlin asks if they can watch 'Leave it to Beaver' because that's the only other show besides Lucy and the Bradys that exists in Stoneybrook. Mary Anne says okay and somehow K Ron doesn't come screeching out a manhole about 'No! That's the devil box! Put on a play instead!' The two olda kids settle down with the Satan Square and Mary Anne watches Celeste draw. She hears the other kids laughing and when she goes to check on them, they're watching something with two Asian kids riding bikes. And even though they giggle 'Look at their eyes!' Mary Anne doesn't get it. Really Mary Anne? Because it's pretty fucking obvious what they're laughing about. I get that Stoneybrook is a community of sheltered toddlers but I would think she'd realize what they're laughing about.
Chapter 4!
Claudia is sitting for the Newtons (I couldn't remember their name and kept thinking 'Jamie...Kennedy?) and she asks Jamie if he'd like to have Myriah and Gabbie over. He says yeah, so she calls Dawn who's sitting at the Perkins. When the girls come over, Stacey calls asking if she can bring Charlotte over and Mary Anne does the same about the Hobarts. After a while, all the kids are gathered in the Newtons yard and...zzzz. Sorry, this is incredibly boring. I'm gonna skim the kids setting up a band and only point out a few things. Like the fact that getting the kids together to form a band was Claudia's idea and not K Ron's. In fact they make good headway in getting everything taken care of without K Ron even there. Mm hmm! What ideas has K Ron come up with on her own? Bullying her friends? Nah, that's not an idea. That's just how she naturally acts. The only other thing to note is that Charlotte is taking guitar lessons but in 'Stacey vs the BSC' she took piano lessons. So, that's either a continuity mistake or she playing in this bullshit band made her give up guitar. Take your pick.
Chapter 5!
Claudia has her first sitting job at the Lowells and when wine mom answers the door she looks at Claudia like she's pissing herself and giggling about what a joy it is. She enters the house and Mrs Lowell looks everywhere but at her. Claudia remembers she was eating on the way over and she probably has an entire mallomar stuck in her teeth. She does a quick check but her teeth are clean. She then realizes she's dressed as her usual hot mess self and thinks that must be the problem. Mrs Lowell seems hesitant to leave but finally does once the olda kids return home.
Claudia gives them a snack of oreos and they don't listen to her when she says they've had enough. They run around screaming and wake up Celeste. Claudia goes to check on her but they stop her and say they need to talk to her first. She thinks that's a good idea and lets them. After a minute she goes into her room and asks Celeste if she wants a snack. The olda kids yell about wanting a snack too and when Claudia tells them they just had one, they say they'll tell their mom she's mean. And if you cut the racist shit, I wish kids told this to the BSC more often. Like when Dawn was bullying Jenny and kicked her out of her own sister's room. Something to let them no they're not happy with how they run things.
Claudia tries reverse psychology on them by saying the better eat all the oreos then and they're like 'Cool beans!' Before she can dig herself out of that hole, the phone rings. It's Mary Anne who's at the Hobarts and wants to know if she wants to bring the Lowells to band practice. The band practice section is blessedly short and soon Claudia has to take the Lowells home. They whine and cry and don't want to leave Mary Anne. When she gets them home, she engages them in a game of memory. But they keep leaving and sneaking grapes. She tells them to stop it and they're like 'Uh uh! You said no more oreos!' and she prays for wine mom to return.