First snark evah!...sort of. Karen's Big Lie, pt. 1
Hello, all! I've been enjoying these snarks for the better part of a year, and I finally decided to jump in and add my own! I had originally tackled "Karen's Mistake," and had it all ready to go, when my computer decided it had had quite enough of Karen and committed suicide before I could post it >_< The worst part is, I can't even be mad, because who could blame it? So that snark is stuck in limbo until I can find a way to retrieve it.Meanwhile, I spotted this book at my local library, and since it's never been fully snarked, I decided to give it a go.
This is one of those books that I remember reading as a child, but it’s been well over a decade, so I remember next to nothing about it. So this should be a fun adventure.
First, the cover:
It’s pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie. We get a picture of the legendary Ms. Colman. She’s drawn as being African-American, which always confused me for two reasons: One, in some of the earlier books’ interior illustrations, she looked
awfully Caucasian. Two -and correct me if I’m wrong-nowhere in the series does Karen ever mention Ms. Colman’s skin
color. And given that not a single BSC book could go by without a mention of how black Jessi was, this just seems weird. I
mean, I love that Ms. C is allowed to be black without fanfare, but it’s odd, especially since ANM actually wrote this one
herself, and she’s usually all over that shit.
Anyway. We have St. Colman holding what is assumedly Karen’s test paper and giving Karen the Skeptical Teacher
look. Karen is standing opposite, her posture and facial expression positively oozing brattiness. She has her fingers
crossed, so we can assume she’s in the middle of lying to her teacher. Classy. Also, her hands are at her sides, not behind
her back, so Ms. Colman can clearly see her crossed fingers. Genius at work here, folks.
The best part about this cover, though, is the tagline: “What’s Karen done now?” Really this should just be the tagline for every LS book ever written.
Chapter One: Karen’s School (How fitting that the title makes it sounds like she owns the place)
The very first two sentences of this book are perhaps the most lackluster introduction to a BSC book I have ever read: “I was in school. I was having a little trouble paying attention.” Way to start us off with a bang there, Karen. She goes on to describe her super-special-awesome teacher, who likes Karen for some ungodly reason, and has invited her to be a flower girl in her wedding. Because Ms. Colman just can’t imagine a more blissful nuptial than one in which she has to constantly stop the ceremony to remind Karen to use her indoor voice.
At the moment, our heroine is in the middle of math class, which apparently isn’t her best subject. I was unaware that there was any subject Karen-I-Skipped-a-Grade-Brewer did not excel at, but even Superman had a weakness, I suppose. And I can relate, because math and I have never been friends. You could even say we are best enemies.
So while Ms. Colman is teaching, Karen is daydreaming about flowers and bees, and her gaze falls upon her seat-neighbor Ricky, who she explains loves math. I’m sure this will not turn out to be at all significant later.
Thinking of Ricky reminds Karen that she needs to inform us about their playground marriage. And only after that does she introduce herself, by saying, “I am Karen Brewer, Ricky’s wife.” Whoa, whoa! Is that how you always introduce yourself to people, Karen? It’s kind of disturbing that at seven, you are already introducing yourself as an accessory to your man. Be your own person, for the love of God!
Well. That woke up an inner feminist I didn’t know existed. Disappointingly, this does not turn into a tell-all of Ricky’s controlling relationship, and the rest of the info is standard: blonde hair, glasses, freckles (which never seem to actually exist), skipped a grade, the usual blather.
But THEN! In a bold and shocking move, Ms. Colman makes a Surprising Announcement that does not involve a field
trip to the petting zoo or an impromptu class rave. Nope, it’s time for a pop math quiz! Aw, snap! Apparently this is to be the first in a series of math tests that they will be taking at random times over the next few weeks to test their skills. Also each test will be timed. I distinctly remember doing this when I was in first or second grade. And I distinctly remember hating it. But Ms. Colman assures the class that since this first quiz is a surprise, they shouldn’t sweat it too much.
The test consists of basic addition problems, such as “9+8=_______.” Karen is unable to finish, as she has to spend
too much time counting out every problem on her fingers. This I can totally understand, because I am 32, and I still find myself counting on my fingers. Like I said, math and I: not friends.
Of course, Karen just wouldn’t be Karen if she didn’t make excuses for herself, telling us “It is hard to concentrate on a Friday afternoon.” Yup, I can just see Karen in her twenties, explaining to the State Trooper: “Well, it is not my fault I drove
into that van full of widows and orphans. It is just hard to concentrate on a Friday afternoon!” I have a feeling adulthood is not going to be kind to Karen.
Chapter 2: Karen, Nobody Cares About your Two Families!
The only thing of note in this chapter is the fact that in addition to owning only one pair of jeans per house, she also
only has one pair of sneakers at each place. Wow, not even a back-up pair per house in case the shoes she’s wearing get wet or muddy? Let’s loosen those purse strings a little, Watson.
Chapter 3: David Michael
Oh, I remember this B-plot! I didn’t realize this was the book it belonged to. This is the one where David Michael asks
for a tattoo. Well, first he asks for a buzzsaw haircut, which I have never heard of, and apparently neither has google, because a search turned up pretty much nothing about hairstyles. Hilariously, the only thing relating to hair I could find was a definition on urban dictionary, which quoted this very book. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Buzz%20Saw
(caution: some of these definitions contains some “questionable” material, But it’s urban dictionary, so you knew that
already, right?)
So yeah, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist. Sam isn’t very helpful, either, as he says it’s a cut where people “shave the sides of
their heads.” Soooo…a mohawk? Is that the term you were looking for, Ann?
It doesn’t matter anyway, because he is denied by Elizabeth. Then he gets shut down by both Elizabeth and Watson when he asks for an ear-piercing.
Okay, so normally these people fail epically at parenting, but I have to say that I really like the co-parenting going on
here. When DM asks if he can have a tattoo, Watson immediately says, “Out of the question!” and Elizabeth responds with, “I’ll say!” I appreciate that they are presenting a united front with all the children, and it’s not a case of one person parenting “his” kids and the other parenting “hers.” Perhaps Sharon and Richard should be taking notes? Ten points to the Brewer/Thomases. Don’t worry; I’m sure they’ll lose them by the end of this book.
Anyway, DM bemoans the fact his friends think his friends think he’s a baby, and laments, “I am not cool.” You know what would really wow your friends? Try tossing a contraction into your sentences every now and then. It’ll totally become all the rage, trust me.
This is also the book where I learned how tattoos work. Before Sam explained it to DM, I had no idea that they were
done using needles. Up until that point, I’d thought they just used really, really permanent ink. I think this book is part of the reason I have no interest in getting a tattoo to this day. I don’t mind needles, but the process just sounds unpleasant. Of course, the bigger reason is that I have a terrible time making decisions. I’m not neurotic about many things, but choosing the right color shirt at Target can be life-or-death for me (what if I get home and decide I like the other color better? Then I’d have to drive all the way back and exchange it! And then what if then the color I should have gotten is gone?!) So I think I
would drive myself into a mental breakdown if I had to make a decision that required that level of commitment.
David Michael is unfazed however, and after dinner he whispers to Karen that he is planning on getting a tat anyway.
Karen is appropriately scandalized
.
See? And, end scene!
Chapter 4: The Red 68
It’s Monday, and Karen’s blissful respite at Watson’s Retreat has ended. She’s back in school, and the math quizzes are being handed back. To Karen’s horror, she has received a 68% on her quiz! Oh noes! Karen explains that she’s used to getting 100s and 90s in her good subjects, and even in math she can usually scrape out 80s. She sees that Ricky has
gotten an 88% (Hmm, I wonder where this is going?), and vows to study for the next quiz.
Again Ms. Colman assures the class that they shouldn’t stress too much about their grades, because they hadn’t had time to prepare for the first quiz. Now that they know quizzes will be coming, they will have plenty of time to study. Yeah, keep dreaming, Colman.
The 3M powwow on the playground to discuss their grades. Good old Nancy didn’t do that much better than Karen, earning a 76. Apparently Hannie is even more of a math whiz than Ricky, as she got a 93. She then tells Karen that she should “memorize the facts,” because finger-counting is too slow. Ugh, Hannie is my least favorite kind of smart person. Instead of lecturing from your high horse, why don’t you just offer to help her study? Hannie’s a poo.
Awesomely, Karen simply replies, “but it works.” Hell, yes! It doesn’t have to be efficient, it just has to work; that’s the American way!
Chapter 5: The Next Test
Lisa parenting fail! When Karen comes home asking where her math flashcards, Lisa does not bother to ask why. I’m not even a parent, but even I know that a kid looking for her flash cards has a test coming up. What, does Lisa think Karen just wants to look through them for shits and giggles? If Lisa had any kind of parenting radar, she would have made Karen spill her guts about any upcoming tests, and then immediately sat her down and helped her study. Instead, she durrs, “are they in your desk?” and then doesn’t even help the kid look for them! Karen spends the rest of the evening searching the house and calling the Big House, asking them to look for them over there. By the time she finally locates them, she’s too tired to study anymore.
I genuinely feel bad for Karen here. If it had been my parents, my mom would sure as hell be helping me look for my flash cards, at the very least. My dad would just make me new flash cards, and you can bet he’d be drilling me with them every night. It’s really concerning that a parent would be so disinterested in her child’s education. Ugh, this kind of thing goes a long way towards explaining a lot of Karen’s behavior. I’d be f’ed up, too (Okay, more f’ed up), if my family spent half of the time indulging my every ridiculous whim and the other half pretending I didn’t exist
So the next day after school, she attempts to study on her own, which doesn’t go well. She keeps getting distracted. Because she’s seven! This is why parents need to be involved in their child’s education. At this age, she needs her parents to guide her and help her learn how to study, and to make sure she’s doing it. But of course, Lisa and Seth have no idea she has a quiz to study for, because they are so disengaged with their children that Andrew could probably be growing his own cannabis farm in his room and they wouldn’t notice.
Thursday heralds the arrival of another quiz. Karen thinks this is “sneaky,” because last week the quiz was on a Friday. Except Ms. Colman told you the quizzes would be unannounced. If they were on the same day every week, then they’d just be planned quizzes. You were promised nothing, Karen. Get used to that.
Karen gets her test and is immediately overwhelmed by the sheer number of the addition problems, knowing she’ll never have time to individually count them all out. And okay, these are simple, one-digit addition problems. Granted, they’re written in that tricky horizontal way that always threw me as a child. But the fact that she’s struggling this much makes me seriously question the wisdom of having her skip a grade. Her emotional immaturity alone would indicate to me that she’s not ready to move ahead. The fact that she’s lacking the basic fundamental math skills shows that she probably should have stayed where she was so she could have been introduced to these concepts in 1st grade with the rest of her class. Math isn’t the kind of subject that’s easy to catch up on if you’ve missed the basics.
So Karen is freaking out that she’s not going to finish her test, and she doesn’t want to disappoint Ms. Colman by getting another bad grade. Aaand this is why I’m glad I kept my teachers’ and parents’ expectations low when I was a student. They had reasonable expectations, but they knew early on that I was never going to be that dedicated kid who gets straight-A pluses. I didn’t need that kind of pressure, yo.
She notices math genius Ricky is already halfway done with his quiz. So while Ms. Colman’s back is turned, Karen copies his answers. And the illustration is hilarious:
Why are their desks jammed so closed together? Isn’t that kind of a fire hazard? And Karen is so blatantly obvious about her cheating that even if Ms. Colman is being inattentive, I would imagine it should be impossible for Ricky not to notice Karen’s face looming over his paper. Poor, oblivious Ricky, all happily working on his exam, having no idea what’s going down.
Karen explains that she knew it was wrong, but she had to do it, so she wouldn’t let Ms. Colman down and risk losing her position as class kiss-ass. She then no-shits that, golly gee! It sure is faster copying the answers than figuring them out on your own, tee-hee! So far I’m not seeing a whole lot of remorse for her actions here. Not that I was expecting any.
Chapter 6: The Red 80
Turns out Karen does have a conscience somewhere in her subconscious mind, because that night she has a dream that Andrew runs outside in the snow barefoot. When Karen tells him to stop, Andrew replies “I am just copying you, Karen!”
Uh, yeah, that would actually be kind of deep, except there is no mention that Karen herself went outside without her shoes on in her dream (or at any point in this book), so it doesn’t really make sense. Unless he’s copying Karen’s overall disregard for rules, I guess, which is valid, but still kind of a stretch.
Of course, we are assured that Karen’s conscience is indeed buried deep, because when she wakes up, she tells us, “I do not know what that dream meant.” So either she truly has no scruples, or she’s just in self-denial. Honestly, it could be either one with her.
That day at school, Hannie immediately starts talking about the quizzes. Because all seven-year-old like to talk about academics before class starts, and not what happened last night on Full House or how many tickets they won at Circus Pizza. And, holy damn, I just distracted myself reminiscing about The Rockafire Explosion. That was awesome entertainment. These kids today with their video screens and virtual musicians don’t know what they’ve missed out on.
. Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah. Hannie tells Karen that she’s been studying, and gets all up in Karen’s grill asking her if she’s been studying, too. No, Hannie, because Karen’s family can’t be bothered with silly old academics. Good for you that you have family that cares.
For some reason, Karen is all nervous about the results of the latest quiz and closes her eyes briefly when St. Colman hands her paper back. Why? I thought the whole point of her copying off the class math whiz was that she was pretty much guaranteed to get a good grade. Is she afraid Ricky suffered a stroke mid-test and just wrote random numbers in the spaces?
But no, Karen is relieved to see a gleaming red 80 at the top of her test! The only answers she got wrong were the first few that she’d tried to do herself and the last few problems that were left blank because she was unable to finishing copying in time. Oh, and those two answers that Ricky also got wrong, but I’m sure that’s not important and will in no way come back to bite her in the ass.
So it’s a good day for Karen. No one found out about her cheating, Ms. Colman complemented her on her “work,” and starting now, she’s really gonna study, yo! Also, she noticed Ricky’s 90% paper earned a smiley face at the top, and would like to get a smiley from Ms. Colman, too. ‘Cause she’s that starved for praise.
The chapter ends with Hannie bragging about her latest awesome grade (a 94, in case anyone cares), and Karen being evasive and changing the subject when asked what grade she got. It does not end with Karen being wracked with guilt, like I was when I was five and stole a plastic hippo from my daycare (I gave it back eventually). But, you know, I have a conscience.
Chapter 7: Flash Cards
It’s a Little House weekend, and Karen spends some of it studying. And this just keeps getting more and more depressing, guys, because her study buddies? Goosie and her dolls. In fact, when she goes and asks Seth why it’s necessary to memorize math problems, he just gives her the pat answer that finger-counting is too slow, especially when math problems become more advanced and complicated. Then he sends her on her merry way. My God! Your stepdaughter came to you and indicated quite clearly that she is struggling with math. Could you get off your ass for ten minutes and offer some assistance? Are you watching a particularly absorbing episode of Diff’rent Strokes? Quit making me feel bad for Karen!
The following week she attempts to study again, but is foiled by a phone call from DM, telling Karen that he took the plunge and got a badass tattoo of a dragon on his arm! And apparently he got it at Crazy Carl’s Basement Ink Shack (Couldn’t be finer; we even ink minors!) because he tells her that Elizabeth and Watson don’t know, so she can’t tell anyone.
Karen immediately starts freaking out, and Karen? Karen. DM hates you. Why would he call you up to tell you about his secret tattoo instead of, say, Linny? And why would he even entertain the notion that you could keep something a secret? He’s probably fucking with you.
But she’s seven, so I give her a pass. On to the next chapter!
Chapter 8: Easy As Pie
Well, after that phone call, Karen’s nerves are shot, and she simply can’t study anymore (Thanks a lot, Dave). Nor does she study for the rest of the week. Nevertheless, she’s feeling confident when another test comes up on Friday, because she has done some studying, and feels she’s got this addition thing down well enough to maybe get an 80 all by herself this time.
But what’s this?! The paper is full of SUBTRACTION problems! NOOOOO!!! Karen did not foresee this thing happening, despite the fact that Ms. Colman told them in the beginning that they’d be tested on subtraction at some point.
So Karen panics, but she has promised herself that she wouldn’t copy from Ricky anymore-but wait! She realizes that she hadn’t promised not copy from anyone else. My god, this girl’s self-justification is disturbing. Since Colman is once again puttering around at the back of the classroom, Karen decides to try copying Natalie’s paper. But Natalie’s arm is blocking Karen’s view (Good for you, Natalie!), so that’s no good. Karen resigns herself to attempting the problems on her own, but when Ms. Colman announces that the time limit is half over, Karen says, “Fuck it,” and copies off Ricky again.
On the playground, they talk about the test, and Karen notices that Hannie is “looking at [her] very strangely.” Dun, dun, DUUUNNN!
Chapter 9: The Dragon
It’s a Big House weekend, and Lisa makes a half-hearted effort at being a responsible parent when Karen tells her in the car that she forgot her flashcards by promising to bring them the next day. But not before asking, “Do you really need them?” and heaving a sigh. ‘Cause parenting is just so damn bothersome.
Upon her arrival, DM pulls Karen aside and shows her his tatt. She is properly impressed, but frets that he won’t be able to cover it up when they go swimming at Watson’s upcoming company picnic. He simply informs her that she’s just going to have to help him hide it. Aw, Dave, you’re so much more awesome in these books that you are in the normal BSC-verse.
So not only does Karen have to deal with that nonsense, but Hannie is also mysteriously avoiding her. The foreshadowing thickens.
Chapter 10: Keep Your Eyes on Your Paper
It’s Monday, and Ms. Colman has the results of the latest round of quizzes. Karen notices that she and Ricky both got 90’s, but-horrors!-neither of them got a smiley face. She also notices that, except for the one problem that she did herself, and the last one that she hadn’t had time to copy, they’d both gotten the same questions wrong. Um, no shit? It occurs to her to wonder if maybe Ms. Colman noticed.
Turns out Ms. Colman was sober while correcting the quizzes, because she gives the class a lecture about keeping their eyes on their own papers. Karen’s all, “Shit! Does she know?” but then hilariously tries to comfort herself by noting that her teacher hadn’t named any names, so maybe she was talking about some other kid who was cheating. Nevertheless, Karen decides she’d better lay low and quit with the copying.
Ah, and she would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling Hannie! She confronts Karen on the playground about her cheating. Karen denies this, of course, wondering how Hannie could possibly have seen her from the back of the room. (Karen, based on that illustration, Ray Charles could have seen you) Hannie’s all, “I’m not visually impaired like you. That’s the whole reason I’m at the back of the room, duh!” Glasses, how do they work?
Hannie insists that she saw her cheat, and Karen cries out from the depths of her offended soul, “How could you say something like that about me?” Oh, Karen. Please don’t ever reproduce.
Hannie’s not having any of Karen’s bullshit. She says she knows Karen cheated, to which Karen calls Hannie a liar. Pot. Kettle. Ms. Colman.
Karen informs Hannie that she’s not talking to her anymore, and Hannie utters my favorite line in this whole book: “Good. I do not want you to talk to me.” Yes! Someone finally said it!
And that's part one, folks! Hope you enjoyed. Also, I haven't used LJ in quite a few years, so if you encountered any formatting problems or anything, let me know. I'm super-excited to be part of this community, and I should have part two up shortly.