#44 - Dawn and the Big Sleepover (Chapters 1-3)
For my first snark, I chose one of my favorite BSC books, though exactly WHY it’s a favorite I can’t quite say.
First of all, the background color choice. Amongst the other hundred-odd pastel covers, there is this lone bright orange homage to the Southwest. I guess this is represent the Zuni kids? Whatever the reason, it’s an eyesore, and orange happens to be my favorite color. Damn it. Dawn is rocking a serious “80s-mom” look with those jeans and turtleneck, and once again her hair is too yellow and too short (though props for making it at least waist length Hodges…I think this cover may be the closest we ever get to seeing Dawn’s hair the way it’s supposed to be.) I’m a little concerned with the transvestite child in pink with a bad dye job. Take a close look at that kid’s face - that is CLEARLY a boy in girly pink pajamas who has no natural right to blonde hair. Then we have the other disturbing image of Dawn trying to grope the underdeveloped breast of the child in orange (come to think of it, she's trying to grope the baby she-male too). Some have posed the theory that this might be Mary Anne, but I say no way. I don’t think even Mary Anne would be cuddling a teddy bear in what counts for public. She’d be too embarrassed. I have nothing to say about the four random boys in the back with pillows except that the middle two appear to be tugging on opposite ends of the same pillow and it kind of makes Dawn look like she has white elephant ears sprouting out of her head. I can’t even hazard any guesses as to who these six children are because except for the redheaded boy in the back (who might be Jackie) they don’t resemble any of the children we’ve seen on other covers, not that that means much.
Chapter one opens with the Pike herd buzzing around Dawn and Mallory like so many gnats, each one clamoring to read the letter they’ve just received from their Zuni penpals. I find it convenient that all the Pikes who are participating ALL got letters on the SAME DAY. Did the Zuni kids put all the letters in one big envelope and mail them that way? It would save on postage… I can just picture the six Zuni kids who got Pike penpals now: "You're writing to a Pike too?? How many are there?? They're taking over the planet!!" Anyway, Dawn pauses to introduce herself and the Pikes, and explain what Pens Across America is (which I actually think sounds like a neat idea). Of course, the famous ellipses of death makes an appearance: “For a few weeks, the kids at Stoneybrook Elementary School (SES) had been writing to . . . Zunis!” It’s not THAT exciting, Peter (Lerangis, the ghostie of this particular masterpiece). Dawn then has a snide thought about the size of the Pike family when she thinks “as if Vanessa didn’t have enough sisters”. Me-ow, Dawn.
Margo wishes her penpal was smiling in her picture and Vanessa suggests that maybe she has braces. Um, what? Margo is 7. Therefore I assume her penpal is too. Who on earth would give a seven year old braces? She probably hasn’t even finished losing her baby teeth yet! Shut up, Vanessa. After Vanessa reads the letter from her penpal, Jordan reads his and gives me reason to doubt his intelligence by “stumbling over the big words” of which there is precisely one. If he was stumbling over any other words, I have to wonder about his reading ability, and since it’s never once been pointed out that Jordan has trouble reading, I can’t just write it off a possible learning disability. Such a thing would have been pounded into our heads with every description of the Pikes. But clearly the triplets aren’t very smart after all, because they honestly think Pig Latin is their own secret language, and the fact that a Zuni kid knows it too must mean that Jordan taught him. Yeah right. What child in this country DOESN’T know Pig Latin?
The chapter ends with the kids deciding what souvenirs to send their penpals and some extremely heavy handed foreshadowing in the form of “If only I had known what was about to happen.” Bum-bum-bum!
Chapter two begins with a brief exchange between Mary Anne and Dawn and Dawn being snotty about her mother’s cooking ability (“eat at your own risk”). She then zones out in the middle of the living room to tell us all about her bestest friends in the whole wide world, starting with Mary Anne. Did you know that Mary Anne had to be home by nine o’clock (in seventh grade)?! Personally, I don’t see how that’s at all unreasonable. It’s not like she had to be in bed with the lights out at 9:00. Just home. But then, this is the BSC universe, where any time a parent actually does some parenting they are seen as evil, tyrannical dictators.
Dawn then shows us how truly brainwashed she is by saying, “nothing turns me off more than cliques where everyone dresses and sounds alike.” Well, the BSCult may not dress alike, but if anyone’s thought process ever goes counter to the Cult they are shunned and reviled. The BSCult is the tightest clique in all of Stoneybrook, Dawn. Hate to break it to you.
Next up is our fearless leader, K. Ron, whose life is “sort of like a fairy tale . . . The Saga of Kristy.” Wow, Lerangis, the ellipses of death twice in as many chapters. I wonder if he threw one in every chapter of this book? I’ll have to start counting. Anyway, after K. Ron comes Claudia, and YAY, we get an outfit! “For instance, she walked into school today wearing a bright yellow, oversize man’s jacket with rolled up sleeves; a wide paisley tie right out of the nineteen-sixties; orange stirrup pants; ankle boots; and huge hoop earrings - and you know what? On her, it looked totally cool.” Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Dawn.
(Forgive the poor quality - Elouai didn't have the exact items needed to make this outfit, so I had to do some recoloring in Photoshop, and my PS skills aren't that great.)
Stacey: Sophisticated! New York City! Divorce! Diabetes!
Jessi: Horses! Ballet! Black!
Mallory was very briefly described in chapter one, and I do mean VERY briefly. She got about four sentences, only two of which actually said anything: namely that she wants to write children’s books and her parents won’t let her grow up. Snore.
Chapter three is just about as boring, with the standard summarization of what the BSCult is and how it came to be, but Mallory is a few minutes late. K. Ron heaves a big sigh of annoyance and starts to bug Stacey about the state of the treasury when Mal bursts in and announces dramatically that the Zuni school burned down. Oh noes!! Whatever will the Cult do to rectify this situation that’s taken place 2000 miles from where they live? Well, whatever it is, Dawn’s determined to find it.
First of all, the background color choice. Amongst the other hundred-odd pastel covers, there is this lone bright orange homage to the Southwest. I guess this is represent the Zuni kids? Whatever the reason, it’s an eyesore, and orange happens to be my favorite color. Damn it. Dawn is rocking a serious “80s-mom” look with those jeans and turtleneck, and once again her hair is too yellow and too short (though props for making it at least waist length Hodges…I think this cover may be the closest we ever get to seeing Dawn’s hair the way it’s supposed to be.) I’m a little concerned with the transvestite child in pink with a bad dye job. Take a close look at that kid’s face - that is CLEARLY a boy in girly pink pajamas who has no natural right to blonde hair. Then we have the other disturbing image of Dawn trying to grope the underdeveloped breast of the child in orange (come to think of it, she's trying to grope the baby she-male too). Some have posed the theory that this might be Mary Anne, but I say no way. I don’t think even Mary Anne would be cuddling a teddy bear in what counts for public. She’d be too embarrassed. I have nothing to say about the four random boys in the back with pillows except that the middle two appear to be tugging on opposite ends of the same pillow and it kind of makes Dawn look like she has white elephant ears sprouting out of her head. I can’t even hazard any guesses as to who these six children are because except for the redheaded boy in the back (who might be Jackie) they don’t resemble any of the children we’ve seen on other covers, not that that means much.
Chapter one opens with the Pike herd buzzing around Dawn and Mallory like so many gnats, each one clamoring to read the letter they’ve just received from their Zuni penpals. I find it convenient that all the Pikes who are participating ALL got letters on the SAME DAY. Did the Zuni kids put all the letters in one big envelope and mail them that way? It would save on postage… I can just picture the six Zuni kids who got Pike penpals now: "You're writing to a Pike too?? How many are there?? They're taking over the planet!!" Anyway, Dawn pauses to introduce herself and the Pikes, and explain what Pens Across America is (which I actually think sounds like a neat idea). Of course, the famous ellipses of death makes an appearance: “For a few weeks, the kids at Stoneybrook Elementary School (SES) had been writing to . . . Zunis!” It’s not THAT exciting, Peter (Lerangis, the ghostie of this particular masterpiece). Dawn then has a snide thought about the size of the Pike family when she thinks “as if Vanessa didn’t have enough sisters”. Me-ow, Dawn.
Margo wishes her penpal was smiling in her picture and Vanessa suggests that maybe she has braces. Um, what? Margo is 7. Therefore I assume her penpal is too. Who on earth would give a seven year old braces? She probably hasn’t even finished losing her baby teeth yet! Shut up, Vanessa. After Vanessa reads the letter from her penpal, Jordan reads his and gives me reason to doubt his intelligence by “stumbling over the big words” of which there is precisely one. If he was stumbling over any other words, I have to wonder about his reading ability, and since it’s never once been pointed out that Jordan has trouble reading, I can’t just write it off a possible learning disability. Such a thing would have been pounded into our heads with every description of the Pikes. But clearly the triplets aren’t very smart after all, because they honestly think Pig Latin is their own secret language, and the fact that a Zuni kid knows it too must mean that Jordan taught him. Yeah right. What child in this country DOESN’T know Pig Latin?
The chapter ends with the kids deciding what souvenirs to send their penpals and some extremely heavy handed foreshadowing in the form of “If only I had known what was about to happen.” Bum-bum-bum!
Chapter two begins with a brief exchange between Mary Anne and Dawn and Dawn being snotty about her mother’s cooking ability (“eat at your own risk”). She then zones out in the middle of the living room to tell us all about her bestest friends in the whole wide world, starting with Mary Anne. Did you know that Mary Anne had to be home by nine o’clock (in seventh grade)?! Personally, I don’t see how that’s at all unreasonable. It’s not like she had to be in bed with the lights out at 9:00. Just home. But then, this is the BSC universe, where any time a parent actually does some parenting they are seen as evil, tyrannical dictators.
Dawn then shows us how truly brainwashed she is by saying, “nothing turns me off more than cliques where everyone dresses and sounds alike.” Well, the BSCult may not dress alike, but if anyone’s thought process ever goes counter to the Cult they are shunned and reviled. The BSCult is the tightest clique in all of Stoneybrook, Dawn. Hate to break it to you.
Next up is our fearless leader, K. Ron, whose life is “sort of like a fairy tale . . . The Saga of Kristy.” Wow, Lerangis, the ellipses of death twice in as many chapters. I wonder if he threw one in every chapter of this book? I’ll have to start counting. Anyway, after K. Ron comes Claudia, and YAY, we get an outfit! “For instance, she walked into school today wearing a bright yellow, oversize man’s jacket with rolled up sleeves; a wide paisley tie right out of the nineteen-sixties; orange stirrup pants; ankle boots; and huge hoop earrings - and you know what? On her, it looked totally cool.” Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Dawn.
(Forgive the poor quality - Elouai didn't have the exact items needed to make this outfit, so I had to do some recoloring in Photoshop, and my PS skills aren't that great.)
Stacey: Sophisticated! New York City! Divorce! Diabetes!
Jessi: Horses! Ballet! Black!
Mallory was very briefly described in chapter one, and I do mean VERY briefly. She got about four sentences, only two of which actually said anything: namely that she wants to write children’s books and her parents won’t let her grow up. Snore.
Chapter three is just about as boring, with the standard summarization of what the BSCult is and how it came to be, but Mallory is a few minutes late. K. Ron heaves a big sigh of annoyance and starts to bug Stacey about the state of the treasury when Mal bursts in and announces dramatically that the Zuni school burned down. Oh noes!! Whatever will the Cult do to rectify this situation that’s taken place 2000 miles from where they live? Well, whatever it is, Dawn’s determined to find it.