#34 Mary Anne and Too Many Boys
#34 Mary Anne and Too Many Boys
Chapter One: It’s another summer in the vague black hole of the Stoneybrook space-time continuum, and as the cruel Fates would have it, the BSC is spending it apart. Dawn is flying to California, Claudia is going to Vermont, Kristy and Jessi (“a really neat black girl”) are stuck in Stoneybrook, and Mary Anne, Stacey, and Mal are off to the steaming cesspool of debauchery known as Sea City.
Outfit interlude: Stacey is channeling my menopausal, sixth grade social studies teacher in “khaki safari pants, (…) a jungle print blouse, and a leather belt.”
Since this is an MA narrative, it is fraught with misty-eyed descriptions of Logan’s creamy Southern accent (this time compared to “warm molasses,” as opposed to “oven-fresh chitlins”) and the unbearable lightness of leaving him. Throughout the BSC meeting, MA dreads the heart-wrenching farewells that face her, but Stacey reminds her of all the fun awaiting them. This cheers Mary Anne up, and she vows to greet Sea City with open arms and, in Stacey’s case, thighs.
Chapter Two: Dawn Schafer -she who dabbled in crinoliny skirts and DIY sweatshirt attire-is offering Mary Anne fashion advice. She suggests a metallic green string bikini, “you know, the kind that always looks wet.” Classy, Dawn. Now all MA needs is some body glitter and a Brazilian, and she’s all set to writhe the night away in a Nappy Roots video.
The Spier-Schafers drive Dawn to the airport, and I can’t help but notice that MA has upgraded Dawn from “pleasant” (Mary Anne Saves the Day) to full-fledged “pretty.” Also, Sharon is wearing a pink jumpsuit, which I hope isn’t an allusion to Richard’s kinky space cadet/gas station attendant fantasies.
The next day Mary Anne is dropped off at the Pikes, and so begins the 24/7 beach-side orgy.
Chapter Three: Another half-hearted attempt at giving the Pikes individual personalities. Vanessa rhymes, Nicky is tormented, Claire is precocious, and the triplets are sexually frustrated aggressors.
Since the ghost writer is determined to prove that she has indeed read Boy-Crazy Stacey, the Pikes rigidly follow everything they’ve done on their past vacation: The triplets hold up malicious signs, Jordan points out the Crabs for Grabs billboard [insert obligatory Stacey joke here], and they stop for ice cream at Howard Johnson’s. Eventually they reach Sea City, and as with most pointless Pike passages, I begin to question the existence of Margo. What exactly is the point of her…?
Chapter Four: Cue the reminiscing. Everyone’s favorite bohunk lifeguard, Scott, is mentioned, and Stacey sighs, “Thank goodness I’m more grown up this time.” True, nothing nurtures maturity like your first time through the eighth grade. As for Alex and Toby? Toby is just another notch on Stace’s training bra strap, while MA considers Alex a mere stepping stone to a real hunk of man meat: Logan Bruno.
Mary Anne throws on her bulletproof caftan, and they head to the beach. Vanessa stays behind with her notebook and a Sharon-on-‘shrooms expression on her face. Claire asks them where the sun goes when it gets dark, and as a tribute to the great strides being made by the Stoneybrook Middle School science curriculum, Stacey suggests, “Behind a cloud?”
Chapter Five: Few things are more disturbing than the thought of Mallory getting a tan in order to “find a cute guy to impress.” However, far more frightening things take place when Mary Anne takes the girls to Ice Cream Palace. It turns out Chris, the boy behind the counter is part of a rare species of wayward pre-pubescent males who are actually attracted to Mallory Pike. Of course Mal’s dazzling orthodontia gets the better of him, and in a crafty touch of erotic imagery, his whipped cream machine explodes. Literally. It takes a while for him to unplug it, clean it up, and make Mal a new sundae, but while MA is frustrated, Vanessa’s heart goes out to Chris. It is then that the first Pike love triangle sprouts, and sadly, it does not involve the triplets and a secluded mountain ranch.
Chapter Six: Kristy. Rodowskys. More shirtless mother’s helpers plz.
Chapter Seven: Once Mary Anne starts rolling out vague, noncommittal postcards to her father, you know it’s time for some steamy beach blanket bingo. Other signs of teenage lust: the return of Stacey’s infamous skimpy blue bikini and her bottle of Sun Lite/emergency lube. Oh, and Mallory in a bikini. I guess they’ve resorted to scare tactics in order to ensure the kids’ safety.
“Mary Anne! Stacey!” a masculine voice calls out. Why, it’s Alex! And since this is in MA’s perspective, one can assume she imagines him running toward her in slow motion to the sultry tune of Kenny G.
Toby is there too, and Stacey breathlessly concedes that he is “gorgeous.” They spend the afternoon together, and by the end of the day, MA wonders if they’ll have more time to spend with the boys. Stace confidently proclaims, “From the look on Toby’s face, he’ll make the time.” This causes MA to feel guilty for forgetting about Logan, but does she really have anything to feel bad for? After all, she is merely admiring Alex’s toned physique and undressing him with her eyes. That constitutes nothing more than friendship, at least, by Stacey's standards.
Chapter Eight: Further solidifying her future spot as one of the flannel-clad Bad Girls, Stacey pulls a total bitchface move and books a date with Toby, blithely assuming that MA and Mal would gladly take care of the kids. As a result, MA has to cancel a quasi-date with Alex. She is understandably “outraged” but sucks it up like the true, emotionally stunted daughter of Richard Spier that she is.
Mary Anne is summoned by Vanessa, who wants her to critique her LJ-worthy poetry. The poems, eight in total, are all dedicated to Chris from the Ice Cream palace, and unless you are fond of simple rhyme schemes and jagged meter, they are not worth mentioning. Vanessa wants to secretly send them to Chris, and this troubles MA since one of the poems explicitly states, “Please say you’ll love me forever,” which is exactly the kind of dime store sentiment that keeps Mrs. Pike ripe as a mango.
Chapter Nine: Dawn is stuck with a sitting job, courtesy of her dad’s latest hoodrat, Carol. Dawn whines, babies cry, Jeff helps, and I get that familiar feeling in my gut when I know I should be doing something better with my time, but as usual, I ignore it and sing the “Girlfriend” song from the BSC movie.
Chapter Ten: Mary Anne’s postcards get vaguer, and her latest one to Logan practically screams illicit beach-side affair. She has a date with Alex, and Stacey tries to cockblock her again by going out with Toby. Thankfully Vanessa’s poetry has enabled MA to grow a pair, and she brutally tells Stace that she has every right to go on a shady date with her ex-lover, unbeknownst to her Southern fried boyfriend.
Of course once she’s on her date, MA’s aforementioned balls promptly shrink, and she babbles about fish and restaurant population densities. The awkwardness is shattered when MA cracks up at the sight of Alex in a lobster bib. Apparently lobster bibs are a foreign concept to Mary Anne since sea food has always been banned by Mr. Spier, who claims their claws are the “hands of the devil.”
By the end of the night, MA is plagued with guilt for enjoying herself. She is torn: Sweet Alex with his impossibly hairless chest and unoffensive nipples? (See cover.) Or Rugged Logan, who was back in Stoneybrook with a 6-pack of Keystones balanced on his gut, watching Gunsmoke? Conundrum!
Chapter Eleven: Mary Anne takes the girls into town so Vanessa can deliver her poems, but they stop at Trampoline Land so Margo can vomit on anything within a 3-foot radius. Seriously, aside from the whole peeling-bananas-with-her-feet shtick, Margo Pike is like an unsightly skin growth: unnecessary and slightly revolting.
When they reach Ice Cream Palace, it turns out this isn’t the first poem Vanessa has bequeathed to Chris. She’s already sent him three, and when she finally confronts him, he actually acts interested. Of course, the truth comes out: the poor shmuck is interested in Mallory, probably due to a hormone imbalance or recent epileptic seizure. Either way, Vanessa is heartbroken and proceeds to lock herself in her room, thus cementing her place as the Pike’s very own tortured Conor Oberst.
Chapter Twelve: Something about Jessi and a bunch of vermin. Apparently even Frodo the Hamster is getting more play than Stacey in this book.
Chapter Thirteen: By now, this book has revealed its true form: Boy-Crazy Stacey: Redux. In a thrilling turn of events, Toby dumps Stacey. The sight of her wallowing in misery pulls MA’s heartstrings, and the two of them are friends again. I seem to recall reading this situation almost verbatim in another book, but I know ANM has too much integrity to recycle plotlines. (BTW: did you know Claudia is flunking? And Dawn misses California? And y’all don’t know what it’s like, to be Mal, middle-class and white?)
MA goes on one last date with Alex, but this time the silences cannot be overcome. They finally have something to talk about when the check arrives, and Mary Anne offers to pay. Alex is shocked by her radical feminist ideas, which finally compels MA to mention Logan. Alex then mentions his girlfriend, and they share a knowing laugh, reminiscent of the couple at the end of “The Pina Colada Song.” They end the night by promising to be friends forever, and much like Louie the Collie, Mimi, and Jessi’s sense of humor, Alex fades into BSC obscurity.
Chapter Fourteen: Vanessa decides to end the Chris debacle by sending one final poem to him on the day they leave, explaining why their romance is doomed. Mary Anne concludes that this is very mature on Vanessa’s part, which isn’t much coming from someone who proudly owns a pair of penny loafers.
Later, Stacey apologizes for her Stacey-like behavior. By now, the BSC should just accept Stacey’s raging lust as a part of who she is, just like they accept her diabetes: it’s a challenge she has to battle with on a daily basis, but without it, she would basically be Mallory -- but in safari pants.
Chapter Fifteen: Farewell, Sea City! Farewell, Chris, undeveloped plot device! Farewell, Toby, future Internet predator! Farewell, Pike family beach house, where Mallory will one day lose it to a toothless fisherman after a drunken bonfire! Farewell, Sea City - at least, until the next contrived Super Special!
The first thing Mary Anne does when she returns to Stoneybrook (after hugging her parents and fondling Tigger) is call Logan and immerse herself in his warm, lumberjack voice. It’s worth noting that this is Logan’s only appearance in this book, although he is constantly fretted over. Their conversation is hotly anticipated but ultimately short and unsatisfying: a pattern I’m sure would have continued, had they carried on their relationship into the hormonal pitfalls of high school.