First snark attempt - Mary Anne's Makeover Chapters 1-3
Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm a terrible writer who wants to get better so I figured, I have time why not snark? I've decided to snark one of my favorite books, Mary Anne's Makeover. Why? It's so deliciously catty and so snarkable. To mess up this snark would just be proof that I suck.
Claudia, Kristy and either Dawn or Stacey are giving Mary-Anne serious stink eye. The blonde looks extra bitchy so I'm just going to say it's Dawn.
Chapter 1
This book starts with dialogue from Carolyn Arnold saying "I found a flummp caterpillar!" Without looking at the ghost writer, I can tell you that it's Peter Lerangis. It's gonna be a fun ride guys.
Turns out Mary Anne is baby-sitting the Arnold twins. She's obviously confused with whatever the hell was just said to her because it obviously makes no sense. So like any normal person, she asks Carolyn WTF she just said. After a dialogue exchange to prove that Mary Anne's a complete pushover we discover that Carolyn is building a flux capacitator. Yes, capacitator.
Anyways. Turns out Carolyn's just seen Back to the Future and was inspired to make a time machine. This book was written in 1993 and the first movie came out in 1985. I'd say it works as an appropriately timely reference. Especially with the age of the girls. Carolyn whispering to keep this time machine a secret so no one will steal her idea until she's ready to send people thru time with it. First of all, she got the idea from a movie so it's not really a secret. Second of all, her sister knows all about it and she's telling Mary Anne so why is she whispering? Third, it's actually kind of cool. I did something like this when I was younger, except I didn't think that it'd actually work. But it's fun to pretend. Not all of us can be Doc Brown or Phineas and Ferb or the Fireside Girls.
Mary Anne is cast aside again and sits in the living room introducing herself to the reader. Who sits and narrates a summary about their life? I hate it when books address the reader like this.
We find out that Logan isn't furry or gray but Tigger is. Well, no shit. Unless Logan is hiding something. You never know. Then again, his creepy stalkerness and overall controlling attitude is more Edward like. So maybe he sparkles. Does he sparkle, Mary Anne?
She talks about how she cries at everything and her friends tease her about it, but she doesn't mind the teasing. She gives us this gem:
"My friends aren't the least bit mean. We're all so close, we can take each other seriously and joke about our personalities."
She describes her family. She calls Sharon absent minded because she made a resolution not to be meaner. Apparently Sharon leaves her gloves in the freeezer and her keys in the bathroom soapdish. Now I've had my absentminded days. I'll put my glasses on a table and look around the apartment for up to half an hour just feeling around for it. Or I'll walk out of the house without my wallet. Sharon is a bit beyond absent minded. It's not mean to say that. I have my theories of what she is.
Richard is described as Mr. Neatness. He will mark the toes of new socks with an X so he won't mix them with older white socks in the laundry. What is he using to mark the toes? Chalk? Marker? How long does this separation period last for? Is he running multiple separate loads in the washer for just his socks? They say he's a penny pincher so isn't he wasting a shit ton of water for this? They're all white socks anyways, if he's being so anal retentive about this shouldn't the old white socks still be white? Has he not heard of bleach? I don't understand what he's doing. If he was separating out whites and colors or whites from whites with color it makes sense. This does not.
She gives a description of Logan. And while I disagree with what she thinks of him and see him more as a stalker who is controlling and sometimes manipulative, it's cute that she goes beyond just physical attributes that turn her on with him. Though I don't know how he can be thoughtful and sensitive and also (describing the reason they broke up) treat her as if she didn't have an independent mind. She starts daydreaming of what she'd rather do with him. Sleigh rides and snowmen guys, stop being perverts. They're only 13. THIRTEEN!
She's snapped out of her daydreams in typical Lerangis fashion. CRASSHHH! Clonk! Knock! Knock! Knock! From the Arnold twins. We get a description of the twins and a summary of Mallory and the Trouble with Twins. Marilyn eventually finishes playing the piano and wants to go see her sister's time machine. It's a pretty vivid description for not an outfit. Her setup utilizes the boiler and she's made quite a mess. She even has a sign that says "Dangeris! Radiaoactiv Plutonum Cristals". I'm beginning to think Claudia's spelling issues have more to do with Stoneybrook's school system. Carolyn announces to them that when she's done people will be able "to enter the final dimension, through a warp of time" which obviously cracks her sister up. Still, this is something I would have said as a child. Anyways, the boiler turns out, freaks Carolyn out causing her to knock shit over and fall. This leads to happy laughter from everyone.
Chapter 2
Obviously chapter 2 is the BSC description chapter. Has any book started on a day that wasn't a BSC day? They're always in school or at a sitting job and go to a BSC meeting right afterward? Or am I forgetting some books?
She leaves the Arnold's house and has exactly 11 minutes to get to the BSC meeting. She's already mapped the quickest route and worn Keds just to make sure she could move fast.
It's apparently so cold that by the time she gets there she doesn't look around the street and reminisce about her childhood, she gets the fuck inside. With the winter we've been having, it's relatable. She greets Mrs. Kishi with "Ha, Muzz Kush" because her jaw is frozen shut and runs past Janines room where she can here Janine clicking away at her computer. Janine is no doubt writing a scholarship paper about overcoming the prejudice she has to deal with from her sister and her sister's bratty ass friends. Also, jaw's don't freeze shut, so she's just being lazy or rude.
Mary Anne arrives in the room at 5:27 with 3 minutes to spare. Good for her. She doesn't need to face the wrath of King Kristy who is currently teaching Jessi how to catch Milk Duds in her mouth after throwing it in the air. "Think of your mouth as a catcher's mitt." Milk duds. Catcher's mitt. WTF Lerangis? I'm not making this shit up.
We get a description and history of the BSC. I'll just pull out points that stood out to me. Kristy's a faucet of ideas and also the president. Her job is to run meetings and scowl at whoever comes late. It's good to know that that's an official part of her job description and she's not just doing it because she's a Napoleonic power monger. They're best friends but complete opposites. it's almost as if she's saying people with different interests or beliefs shouldn't be friends but it's weird that they are best friends. Because no other best friends in this club or in the history of the world are actually complex people with different likes and dislikes. Whatever.
Claud is a Junk Food Squirrel who hoards snacks and forgets about them. She's also perfect looking and thin despite her eating habits. Yeah, good luck with that in a few years.
To advance the plot in the middle of this info dump, Mary Anne sees a magazine and starts oggling the outfits. Her friends are already shitting on things she likes.
We get a Dawn description. She likes health food meaning she doesn't eat red meat and doesn't touch dessert. The lack of understanding of health food and food in general has always bothered me about these books. Tofu can be delicious when cooked right. It can also be awful. Same goes with any vegetarian dish or any ingredient they ever list for Dawn. Why is it gross or weird that someone likes eating healthy? On the flip side, desserts don't have to be refined sugar diabetes inducing death traps either. Moving on. Dawn is a stereotype of a California girl. Therefore long blonde hair, blue eyes, clear skin, and a trim figure.
She's also a real individulaist meaning "she does what she wants to do without worrying what others think." Except when she does care what others think. Then it's all consuming and the driving force of a few Dawn books in the series and also a spinoff series.
Stacey is the other blond in the BSC with a fashion style that is urban and sophisticated. She doesn't touch junk food because she's diabetic. As a med student, I'm not going to bother with this BS description of diabetes.
A call from Rosie Wilder's mom is used to get to Jessi's character description which is used to help describe half of Mallory. They both get shafted. The two of them together get as much room as each of the other girls individually, maybe a little less.
Shannon exists. As does Logan.
Back to the plot! Mary Anne is entranced with a haircut in Seventeen magazine. A bowl cut in front with close cropped at the neck. She reasons that she should get this haircut to make a change since she's always had the same longish hair and to further advance the plot. It makes sense to me. I've always had long hair and the week after my wedding I had it hacked to a hair cut similar to this. She makes the mistake of mentioning out loud that she's interested in this haircut. Claudia, Stacey, and Dawn all procede to shit on her idea. Laughing at her and being condescending. What a great group of friends.
Mary Anne is rightfully upset and doesn't say much the rest of the meeting.
Chapter 3
Mary Anne is home post meeting and is grumpy. Well no shit. I would be too if I had such shitty friends. In a thought process that's more individualist than any that I've seen from Dawn; decides that Stacey, Dawn, and Claudia don't know shit. She goes in front of a mirror to see what she'd look like with shorter hair and decides that she likes her jaw. "The Jaw that Launched a Thousand Ships."
She loves how she looks with short hair and realizes that her friends probably laughed because a drastic change --> shock --> laughter. She imagines what would happen if she walked into a meeting with short hair. "They'd probably giggle and make comments at first. But what fun it would be when they realized how nice I looked!" Oh Mary Anne. That's what NORMAL friends do.
She finds a picture of a similar looking haircut in one of her magazines and after doing some homework as leverage goes to persuade her dad. For the record, I love Richard Spier. His weird sock washing habits aside, he's the best parent in this entire series. He's all happy that Mary Anne looks happier because he noticed that she was upset because he's an awesome dad. Yay. Mary Anne shows him a picture of the haircut and he calls it "spiffy".
Despite her thoughts of Richard making her the next Rapunzel, he gives her the "I think you would look lovely." Apparently Mary Anne doesn't get Richard's sense of humor because she thinks he might be joking. Now I'm often a sarcastic asshole and Richard is described to have a strange, quiet sense of humor but unless Mary Anne really doesn't know her dad or Richard is often a sarcastic dick in serious discussions with his daughter, this is weird. But whatever. Teenagers and parents and the such.
The set a father-daughter day to go to the salon in the mall and hang out. I crack up with this description of Richard when he says hang out "He kind of wiggles his head awkwardly, like he's trying to be hip."
Never change Richard.
Mary Anne tells him to keep it a secret so she can see the expression on Dawn and Sharon's faces. And the chapter ends with cheerful Mary Anne chatting with Dawn and then Logan.
"T-minues three days until the New Mary Anne!" AKA T-minus 3 days until the claws come out.
Claudia, Kristy and either Dawn or Stacey are giving Mary-Anne serious stink eye. The blonde looks extra bitchy so I'm just going to say it's Dawn.
Chapter 1
This book starts with dialogue from Carolyn Arnold saying "I found a flummp caterpillar!" Without looking at the ghost writer, I can tell you that it's Peter Lerangis. It's gonna be a fun ride guys.
Turns out Mary Anne is baby-sitting the Arnold twins. She's obviously confused with whatever the hell was just said to her because it obviously makes no sense. So like any normal person, she asks Carolyn WTF she just said. After a dialogue exchange to prove that Mary Anne's a complete pushover we discover that Carolyn is building a flux capacitator. Yes, capacitator.
Anyways. Turns out Carolyn's just seen Back to the Future and was inspired to make a time machine. This book was written in 1993 and the first movie came out in 1985. I'd say it works as an appropriately timely reference. Especially with the age of the girls. Carolyn whispering to keep this time machine a secret so no one will steal her idea until she's ready to send people thru time with it. First of all, she got the idea from a movie so it's not really a secret. Second of all, her sister knows all about it and she's telling Mary Anne so why is she whispering? Third, it's actually kind of cool. I did something like this when I was younger, except I didn't think that it'd actually work. But it's fun to pretend. Not all of us can be Doc Brown or Phineas and Ferb or the Fireside Girls.
Mary Anne is cast aside again and sits in the living room introducing herself to the reader. Who sits and narrates a summary about their life? I hate it when books address the reader like this.
We find out that Logan isn't furry or gray but Tigger is. Well, no shit. Unless Logan is hiding something. You never know. Then again, his creepy stalkerness and overall controlling attitude is more Edward like. So maybe he sparkles. Does he sparkle, Mary Anne?
She talks about how she cries at everything and her friends tease her about it, but she doesn't mind the teasing. She gives us this gem:
"My friends aren't the least bit mean. We're all so close, we can take each other seriously and joke about our personalities."
She describes her family. She calls Sharon absent minded because she made a resolution not to be meaner. Apparently Sharon leaves her gloves in the freeezer and her keys in the bathroom soapdish. Now I've had my absentminded days. I'll put my glasses on a table and look around the apartment for up to half an hour just feeling around for it. Or I'll walk out of the house without my wallet. Sharon is a bit beyond absent minded. It's not mean to say that. I have my theories of what she is.
Richard is described as Mr. Neatness. He will mark the toes of new socks with an X so he won't mix them with older white socks in the laundry. What is he using to mark the toes? Chalk? Marker? How long does this separation period last for? Is he running multiple separate loads in the washer for just his socks? They say he's a penny pincher so isn't he wasting a shit ton of water for this? They're all white socks anyways, if he's being so anal retentive about this shouldn't the old white socks still be white? Has he not heard of bleach? I don't understand what he's doing. If he was separating out whites and colors or whites from whites with color it makes sense. This does not.
She gives a description of Logan. And while I disagree with what she thinks of him and see him more as a stalker who is controlling and sometimes manipulative, it's cute that she goes beyond just physical attributes that turn her on with him. Though I don't know how he can be thoughtful and sensitive and also (describing the reason they broke up) treat her as if she didn't have an independent mind. She starts daydreaming of what she'd rather do with him. Sleigh rides and snowmen guys, stop being perverts. They're only 13. THIRTEEN!
She's snapped out of her daydreams in typical Lerangis fashion. CRASSHHH! Clonk! Knock! Knock! Knock! From the Arnold twins. We get a description of the twins and a summary of Mallory and the Trouble with Twins. Marilyn eventually finishes playing the piano and wants to go see her sister's time machine. It's a pretty vivid description for not an outfit. Her setup utilizes the boiler and she's made quite a mess. She even has a sign that says "Dangeris! Radiaoactiv Plutonum Cristals". I'm beginning to think Claudia's spelling issues have more to do with Stoneybrook's school system. Carolyn announces to them that when she's done people will be able "to enter the final dimension, through a warp of time" which obviously cracks her sister up. Still, this is something I would have said as a child. Anyways, the boiler turns out, freaks Carolyn out causing her to knock shit over and fall. This leads to happy laughter from everyone.
Chapter 2
Obviously chapter 2 is the BSC description chapter. Has any book started on a day that wasn't a BSC day? They're always in school or at a sitting job and go to a BSC meeting right afterward? Or am I forgetting some books?
She leaves the Arnold's house and has exactly 11 minutes to get to the BSC meeting. She's already mapped the quickest route and worn Keds just to make sure she could move fast.
It's apparently so cold that by the time she gets there she doesn't look around the street and reminisce about her childhood, she gets the fuck inside. With the winter we've been having, it's relatable. She greets Mrs. Kishi with "Ha, Muzz Kush" because her jaw is frozen shut and runs past Janines room where she can here Janine clicking away at her computer. Janine is no doubt writing a scholarship paper about overcoming the prejudice she has to deal with from her sister and her sister's bratty ass friends. Also, jaw's don't freeze shut, so she's just being lazy or rude.
Mary Anne arrives in the room at 5:27 with 3 minutes to spare. Good for her. She doesn't need to face the wrath of King Kristy who is currently teaching Jessi how to catch Milk Duds in her mouth after throwing it in the air. "Think of your mouth as a catcher's mitt." Milk duds. Catcher's mitt. WTF Lerangis? I'm not making this shit up.
We get a description and history of the BSC. I'll just pull out points that stood out to me. Kristy's a faucet of ideas and also the president. Her job is to run meetings and scowl at whoever comes late. It's good to know that that's an official part of her job description and she's not just doing it because she's a Napoleonic power monger. They're best friends but complete opposites. it's almost as if she's saying people with different interests or beliefs shouldn't be friends but it's weird that they are best friends. Because no other best friends in this club or in the history of the world are actually complex people with different likes and dislikes. Whatever.
Claud is a Junk Food Squirrel who hoards snacks and forgets about them. She's also perfect looking and thin despite her eating habits. Yeah, good luck with that in a few years.
To advance the plot in the middle of this info dump, Mary Anne sees a magazine and starts oggling the outfits. Her friends are already shitting on things she likes.
We get a Dawn description. She likes health food meaning she doesn't eat red meat and doesn't touch dessert. The lack of understanding of health food and food in general has always bothered me about these books. Tofu can be delicious when cooked right. It can also be awful. Same goes with any vegetarian dish or any ingredient they ever list for Dawn. Why is it gross or weird that someone likes eating healthy? On the flip side, desserts don't have to be refined sugar diabetes inducing death traps either. Moving on. Dawn is a stereotype of a California girl. Therefore long blonde hair, blue eyes, clear skin, and a trim figure.
She's also a real individulaist meaning "she does what she wants to do without worrying what others think." Except when she does care what others think. Then it's all consuming and the driving force of a few Dawn books in the series and also a spinoff series.
Stacey is the other blond in the BSC with a fashion style that is urban and sophisticated. She doesn't touch junk food because she's diabetic. As a med student, I'm not going to bother with this BS description of diabetes.
A call from Rosie Wilder's mom is used to get to Jessi's character description which is used to help describe half of Mallory. They both get shafted. The two of them together get as much room as each of the other girls individually, maybe a little less.
Shannon exists. As does Logan.
Back to the plot! Mary Anne is entranced with a haircut in Seventeen magazine. A bowl cut in front with close cropped at the neck. She reasons that she should get this haircut to make a change since she's always had the same longish hair and to further advance the plot. It makes sense to me. I've always had long hair and the week after my wedding I had it hacked to a hair cut similar to this. She makes the mistake of mentioning out loud that she's interested in this haircut. Claudia, Stacey, and Dawn all procede to shit on her idea. Laughing at her and being condescending. What a great group of friends.
Mary Anne is rightfully upset and doesn't say much the rest of the meeting.
Chapter 3
Mary Anne is home post meeting and is grumpy. Well no shit. I would be too if I had such shitty friends. In a thought process that's more individualist than any that I've seen from Dawn; decides that Stacey, Dawn, and Claudia don't know shit. She goes in front of a mirror to see what she'd look like with shorter hair and decides that she likes her jaw. "The Jaw that Launched a Thousand Ships."
She loves how she looks with short hair and realizes that her friends probably laughed because a drastic change --> shock --> laughter. She imagines what would happen if she walked into a meeting with short hair. "They'd probably giggle and make comments at first. But what fun it would be when they realized how nice I looked!" Oh Mary Anne. That's what NORMAL friends do.
She finds a picture of a similar looking haircut in one of her magazines and after doing some homework as leverage goes to persuade her dad. For the record, I love Richard Spier. His weird sock washing habits aside, he's the best parent in this entire series. He's all happy that Mary Anne looks happier because he noticed that she was upset because he's an awesome dad. Yay. Mary Anne shows him a picture of the haircut and he calls it "spiffy".
Despite her thoughts of Richard making her the next Rapunzel, he gives her the "I think you would look lovely." Apparently Mary Anne doesn't get Richard's sense of humor because she thinks he might be joking. Now I'm often a sarcastic asshole and Richard is described to have a strange, quiet sense of humor but unless Mary Anne really doesn't know her dad or Richard is often a sarcastic dick in serious discussions with his daughter, this is weird. But whatever. Teenagers and parents and the such.
The set a father-daughter day to go to the salon in the mall and hang out. I crack up with this description of Richard when he says hang out "He kind of wiggles his head awkwardly, like he's trying to be hip."
Never change Richard.
Mary Anne tells him to keep it a secret so she can see the expression on Dawn and Sharon's faces. And the chapter ends with cheerful Mary Anne chatting with Dawn and then Logan.
"T-minues three days until the New Mary Anne!" AKA T-minus 3 days until the claws come out.