Karen's Toothache (Chapters 14-20)
I am sooooo sorry I didn't get this to you all sooner. I was SO super-busy. Doing superhero things, and all that. But here it is, the exciting conclusion of Xena Star Ultranova's snark of Karen's Toothache!!!
I feel the need to add that shortly before the time of this snark, I found out that the most likely reason my right bicuspid hurts whenever I eat anything sugary (but only when I eat anything sugary) is because that tooth's enamel is beginning to decay due to me forgetting to fucking brush, and if it continues on its path of decayance it will need to be *cries* REMOVED. So I may be facing a dental trip myself soon though I am severely, severely hoping that does not happen. Anyone want to hijack this thread to tell me that bicuspid can be saved and I may not necessarily need to have a dentist putting metal objects dangerously close to my throat/esophagus combo?
Chapter 14
When we last left Karen, she was hiding in a tree in the backyard to avoid her dentist appointment, and her mother was being an idiot and not thinking to CHECK THE BACKYARD while looking for her, instead calling the police. Realizing she's about to be in huge-ass trouble, Karen comes down out of the tree and goes inside. Seth tells the officer on the phone they found her even though they technically DIDN'T 'cause they suck at looking, she just came back of her own accord. Karen's being yelled at, Lisa tells her all the places she looked that did not include the backyard (seriously, Lisa's a moron in that chapter). Of course, Karen doesn't get to skip her dental appointment, just prolong it, and another appointment is made. Karen is actually punished (holy crap, hell's freezing over!) and she's grounded for a week and forced to write an apology to the dentist. Karen acts all sugar-sweet in hopes of being let off the hook, of course, but Lisa's not Watson so no dice. Karen sulks over the fact that she's actually being punished for her wrongdoings and not being let off the hook and bought a fancy new toy for it like what would happen if she were at the Big House. She gets to school, and Miss Colman and her classmates think she's been at the dentist but she doesn't bother telling them the truth, except for Hannie and Nancy, who she sulks at about not being able to play with all week. Because punishments never ever mean anything to Karen except personal inconveniences to her, and this is why she is such a huge brat. Hannie and Nancy remind her about telling everyone the prediction she had for Miss Colman, about the baby, and Karen says "I think my powers are fading" as an excuse to put it off because she knows damn well she was bullshitting about it.
Chapter 15
Karen's bullshitted about the fortune telling thing so much she's talked herself into believing "Madame Karena Brewena" really is her alter ego and that her powers are returning. Karen reveals she kept trying to apologize her way out of her punishment, as is typical for Karen. At school, she FINALLY stops pissing the other kids off by putting off her prediction and tells them Miss Colman is going to have a baby. At the same time, she gets melodramatic about the dentist again (like I did in the opening to this thread) and predicts ~GREAT DISASTER~ for Thursday. Oh please, Karen. Ricky and Karen then come up with the idea that they have to be "extra nice" to Miss Colman because she is a poor little fragile pregnant flower now. Engine #8 is veering off the tracks...
Chapter 16 (in which everyone treats Miss Colman like a massive tool)
The kids spend the rest of the day not letting Miss Colman do ONE. DAMN. THING in her classroom, yelling at her to "be careful!" whenever she tries to do something and then going to do it for her. Now if I were a teacher I would be QUITE unhappy with these impertinent little worms and tell them to CUT THAT SHIT OUT, but Miss Colman is a much nicer person than me and there is a good reason I am not a teacher or involved with any sort of childcare. They don't let her get anything down from the shelves, don't let her carry anything (not even a fucking PAD OF PAPER) and make her sit down. Again, Miss Colman is far too nice and I would be telling off these little shits for treating me like a massive trollup right now. For fuck's sake, what's gonna happen if an allegedly-pregnant woman picks up a pad of paper!? Is it gonna give the baby papercuts through osmosis? Miss Colman humors them a bit but doesn't actually take their crazy advice, and gets up out of her chair. Karen says "Miss Colman is not a very good listener" in a way that makes me want to yell at her, and Ricky has a complete spazz attack over the fact that she's STANDING ON A CHAIR OH NOES. Miss Colman asks them why they're treating her like she's made of fucking glass, and this would be a nice time for the kids to tell her so she can correct them about the whole baby thing, but they just go on treating her like they're her babysitters and she's an overexcited two-year-old for the rest of the week. Miss Colman refuses to tell them to cut that mess out and just lets them push her around because she is an extreme doormat. Pamela decides they need to throw her a baby shower, and I'm surprised Karen doesn't flip out at her 'cause she came up with the idea first. The kids interrupt the spelling lesson to ask retarded questions about baby toys. The chapter ends with Miss Colman appropriately wtf-ing.
Chapter 17 (Best. Dentist's. Office. EVER.)
Karen goes to the dentist's office without protest 'cause she knows what happened when she attempted to protest last time (as in, her plans with her friends were inconvenienced and she didn't actually LEARN a damn thing, as usual) and Dr. Celenza's office turns out to be the BEST. DENTIST'S. OFFICE. EVER. It's fucking SPACE-THEMED. The dental assistant is even wearing a fucking SPACESUIT and the chair is a SPACESHIP. WHY, WHY DO ONLY KIDS GET COOL SHIT LIKE THIS? IF ALL DENTISTS' OFFICES WERE LIKE THIS ONE IT WOULD BE HARD FOR ME TO BE SO DAMN TERRIFIED OF THEM AND MY SLOWLY-ROTTING BICUSPID ENAMEL I'M TRYING DESPERATELY TO SAVE. Karen is appropriately delighted, and now the whole surgery thing doesn't even seem like much. Dammmiiittt, why can't I get a spaceship dentist's office if worse comes to worse and I do have to get my damn rotting bicuspids pulled? After the surgery the dentist gives Karen her disembodied tooth to wear on a necklace. Holy crap, creepy. And awesome. If I could do that I'd put fake blood on it and come up with some crazy story for how I got it to scare all my friends.
Chapter 18
Karen relaxes at home because she is high on novacaine and holy crap, SHE'S a Ramona fan too! Is there anything this girl does that I do not also do? For once Karen decides not to scare Andrew on purpose or cause him some discomfort when telling him about the tooth. One of the rare moments when Karen is nice to her very deserving little brother. Seth grinds up her food in a blender since eating solid food will hurt like a bitch. When my friend got braces when we were teens and couldn't eat (and was screamed at by me for attempting to swallow a pepperoni whole), I wonder why her parents didn't think to do that? Then again it was a rare moment when they thought at all back then. Karen tears up her will and testamentlol and hangs her disembodied tooth around Goosie's neck because she's a vampire slayer and stole it off a vamp after being locked in a deadly and very bloody battle she just barely escaped alive from, and Goosie is her kith-beast partner (or at least that's the explanation I would've come up with if I could wear my tooth around my neck).
Chapter 19
Karen holds up her tooth like a trophy at school the next day and tells everyone about how fucking awesome the space-themed dentist's office was. Having everyone shower her with attention makes her feel like "a real and true heroine." The kind of heroine who scams their friends out of their allowances with bullshit fortune-telling! OH SPEAKING OF BULLSHIT FORTUNE TELLING, looks like her prediction about the disaster was wrong! Karen's classmates begin to call her out because the predictions she gave them the other day about winning another game of stickball and having a surprise visitor didn't come true either. UH OH, looks like Madame Karena Brewena is heading the way all TV fortune tellers (including her idol Madame Valerie) are destined to head. But despite all this, the kids still trust Karen's crystal ball to tell them whether her prediction about Miss Colman's baby was true or not and if they acted like complete idiots to her the other day for absolutely nothing.
Chapter 20
Karen looks verrrry deeeeeply into her magical dollar-store snowglobe and says it's too fuzzy for her to see whether her prediction was true or false. A.k.a. she doesn't want to admit she just scammed 20 second graders out of their allowances every day for 2 weeks. Addie decides screw this, I'm asking Miss Colman herself (WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS FOUR CHAPTERS AGO, ADDIE?). Miss Colman says she's not going to have a baby anytime soon. Karen only thinks about herself and how everything turned out okay for her so it doesn't matter that her "powers" have gone away. Of course, she neglects to think about all the kids she scammed out of 25 cents every day. Here's hoping they all gang up on her and steal their money back offscreen, as unlikely as that is to happen.
And that's the end of this snark. I'm happy to say I just ordered three new Karen books today, so hopefully I'll have three brand-new snarks coming your way in the near future!
I feel the need to add that shortly before the time of this snark, I found out that the most likely reason my right bicuspid hurts whenever I eat anything sugary (but only when I eat anything sugary) is because that tooth's enamel is beginning to decay due to me forgetting to fucking brush, and if it continues on its path of decayance it will need to be *cries* REMOVED. So I may be facing a dental trip myself soon though I am severely, severely hoping that does not happen. Anyone want to hijack this thread to tell me that bicuspid can be saved and I may not necessarily need to have a dentist putting metal objects dangerously close to my throat/esophagus combo?
Chapter 14
When we last left Karen, she was hiding in a tree in the backyard to avoid her dentist appointment, and her mother was being an idiot and not thinking to CHECK THE BACKYARD while looking for her, instead calling the police. Realizing she's about to be in huge-ass trouble, Karen comes down out of the tree and goes inside. Seth tells the officer on the phone they found her even though they technically DIDN'T 'cause they suck at looking, she just came back of her own accord. Karen's being yelled at, Lisa tells her all the places she looked that did not include the backyard (seriously, Lisa's a moron in that chapter). Of course, Karen doesn't get to skip her dental appointment, just prolong it, and another appointment is made. Karen is actually punished (holy crap, hell's freezing over!) and she's grounded for a week and forced to write an apology to the dentist. Karen acts all sugar-sweet in hopes of being let off the hook, of course, but Lisa's not Watson so no dice. Karen sulks over the fact that she's actually being punished for her wrongdoings and not being let off the hook and bought a fancy new toy for it like what would happen if she were at the Big House. She gets to school, and Miss Colman and her classmates think she's been at the dentist but she doesn't bother telling them the truth, except for Hannie and Nancy, who she sulks at about not being able to play with all week. Because punishments never ever mean anything to Karen except personal inconveniences to her, and this is why she is such a huge brat. Hannie and Nancy remind her about telling everyone the prediction she had for Miss Colman, about the baby, and Karen says "I think my powers are fading" as an excuse to put it off because she knows damn well she was bullshitting about it.
Chapter 15
Karen's bullshitted about the fortune telling thing so much she's talked herself into believing "Madame Karena Brewena" really is her alter ego and that her powers are returning. Karen reveals she kept trying to apologize her way out of her punishment, as is typical for Karen. At school, she FINALLY stops pissing the other kids off by putting off her prediction and tells them Miss Colman is going to have a baby. At the same time, she gets melodramatic about the dentist again (like I did in the opening to this thread) and predicts ~GREAT DISASTER~ for Thursday. Oh please, Karen. Ricky and Karen then come up with the idea that they have to be "extra nice" to Miss Colman because she is a poor little fragile pregnant flower now. Engine #8 is veering off the tracks...
Chapter 16 (in which everyone treats Miss Colman like a massive tool)
The kids spend the rest of the day not letting Miss Colman do ONE. DAMN. THING in her classroom, yelling at her to "be careful!" whenever she tries to do something and then going to do it for her. Now if I were a teacher I would be QUITE unhappy with these impertinent little worms and tell them to CUT THAT SHIT OUT, but Miss Colman is a much nicer person than me and there is a good reason I am not a teacher or involved with any sort of childcare. They don't let her get anything down from the shelves, don't let her carry anything (not even a fucking PAD OF PAPER) and make her sit down. Again, Miss Colman is far too nice and I would be telling off these little shits for treating me like a massive trollup right now. For fuck's sake, what's gonna happen if an allegedly-pregnant woman picks up a pad of paper!? Is it gonna give the baby papercuts through osmosis? Miss Colman humors them a bit but doesn't actually take their crazy advice, and gets up out of her chair. Karen says "Miss Colman is not a very good listener" in a way that makes me want to yell at her, and Ricky has a complete spazz attack over the fact that she's STANDING ON A CHAIR OH NOES. Miss Colman asks them why they're treating her like she's made of fucking glass, and this would be a nice time for the kids to tell her so she can correct them about the whole baby thing, but they just go on treating her like they're her babysitters and she's an overexcited two-year-old for the rest of the week. Miss Colman refuses to tell them to cut that mess out and just lets them push her around because she is an extreme doormat. Pamela decides they need to throw her a baby shower, and I'm surprised Karen doesn't flip out at her 'cause she came up with the idea first. The kids interrupt the spelling lesson to ask retarded questions about baby toys. The chapter ends with Miss Colman appropriately wtf-ing.
Chapter 17 (Best. Dentist's. Office. EVER.)
Karen goes to the dentist's office without protest 'cause she knows what happened when she attempted to protest last time (as in, her plans with her friends were inconvenienced and she didn't actually LEARN a damn thing, as usual) and Dr. Celenza's office turns out to be the BEST. DENTIST'S. OFFICE. EVER. It's fucking SPACE-THEMED. The dental assistant is even wearing a fucking SPACESUIT and the chair is a SPACESHIP. WHY, WHY DO ONLY KIDS GET COOL SHIT LIKE THIS? IF ALL DENTISTS' OFFICES WERE LIKE THIS ONE IT WOULD BE HARD FOR ME TO BE SO DAMN TERRIFIED OF THEM AND MY SLOWLY-ROTTING BICUSPID ENAMEL I'M TRYING DESPERATELY TO SAVE. Karen is appropriately delighted, and now the whole surgery thing doesn't even seem like much. Dammmiiittt, why can't I get a spaceship dentist's office if worse comes to worse and I do have to get my damn rotting bicuspids pulled? After the surgery the dentist gives Karen her disembodied tooth to wear on a necklace. Holy crap, creepy. And awesome. If I could do that I'd put fake blood on it and come up with some crazy story for how I got it to scare all my friends.
Chapter 18
Karen relaxes at home because she is high on novacaine and holy crap, SHE'S a Ramona fan too! Is there anything this girl does that I do not also do? For once Karen decides not to scare Andrew on purpose or cause him some discomfort when telling him about the tooth. One of the rare moments when Karen is nice to her very deserving little brother. Seth grinds up her food in a blender since eating solid food will hurt like a bitch. When my friend got braces when we were teens and couldn't eat (and was screamed at by me for attempting to swallow a pepperoni whole), I wonder why her parents didn't think to do that? Then again it was a rare moment when they thought at all back then. Karen tears up her will and testamentlol and hangs her disembodied tooth around Goosie's neck because she's a vampire slayer and stole it off a vamp after being locked in a deadly and very bloody battle she just barely escaped alive from, and Goosie is her kith-beast partner (or at least that's the explanation I would've come up with if I could wear my tooth around my neck).
Chapter 19
Karen holds up her tooth like a trophy at school the next day and tells everyone about how fucking awesome the space-themed dentist's office was. Having everyone shower her with attention makes her feel like "a real and true heroine." The kind of heroine who scams their friends out of their allowances with bullshit fortune-telling! OH SPEAKING OF BULLSHIT FORTUNE TELLING, looks like her prediction about the disaster was wrong! Karen's classmates begin to call her out because the predictions she gave them the other day about winning another game of stickball and having a surprise visitor didn't come true either. UH OH, looks like Madame Karena Brewena is heading the way all TV fortune tellers (including her idol Madame Valerie) are destined to head. But despite all this, the kids still trust Karen's crystal ball to tell them whether her prediction about Miss Colman's baby was true or not and if they acted like complete idiots to her the other day for absolutely nothing.
Chapter 20
Karen looks verrrry deeeeeply into her magical dollar-store snowglobe and says it's too fuzzy for her to see whether her prediction was true or false. A.k.a. she doesn't want to admit she just scammed 20 second graders out of their allowances every day for 2 weeks. Addie decides screw this, I'm asking Miss Colman herself (WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS FOUR CHAPTERS AGO, ADDIE?). Miss Colman says she's not going to have a baby anytime soon. Karen only thinks about herself and how everything turned out okay for her so it doesn't matter that her "powers" have gone away. Of course, she neglects to think about all the kids she scammed out of 25 cents every day. Here's hoping they all gang up on her and steal their money back offscreen, as unlikely as that is to happen.
And that's the end of this snark. I'm happy to say I just ordered three new Karen books today, so hopefully I'll have three brand-new snarks coming your way in the near future!