#55: Jessi's Gold Medal
Jessi, our favorite black ballet dancer, wants to get involved in the SMS sports competition. But how? The cover gives away the answer--by synchronized swimming with some girl who is not in the BSC! And, also, whose left arm appears to go down to her knee. But how does this happen? And why does she want to? Read on! You will be shocked and titillated. No, really, you'll see.
Chapter 1
Jessi is in her ubiquitous ballet class with her ubiquitous French ballet instructor. She goes on and on about how she loves ballet and could do it for hours on end. There's a list of things she'd have to do if she wanted to dance professionally, and the first one is this: "Watching what I eat. (Have you ever seen a fat ballerina?)" Well, I have seen the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory critiques the ballet dancer, so yes, but Rory blamed that more on the costumer than the dancer herself. Jessi keeps mentioning "Misha" Baryshnikov and pulls on an American Ballet Theater sweatshirt after rehearsal ends. She'd probably pee her pants if I told her I had a distant relative who was on the ABT board before she died. Ooh, minor foreshadowing--as she gets in her father's car to go home, she mentions he sounds like James Earl Jones. There's a reason for that, of course. Say it with me: It's because she's black. "And Stoneybrook is, like, ninety percent white," she tells us. Why does that number seem low to me? Better double-check that with Stacey and Janine. Anyway, even though it's spring, it's crazy warm, and Jessi sees a billboard for the Summer Olympics (what, 1992 was an Olympic year) and thinks the huge picture of someone swimming looks refreshing. Ooh, true foreshadowing. It's so warm that when they get home, Jessi finds her little sister Becca hoping to play in the sprinkler, already wearing a white bathing suit she'd decorated with markers. The only reason I'm mentioning this is because I hate white bathing suits. Perverts Bathing suit makers, stop making them! That is all. Oh, and little brother Squirt is made to wear turquoise jellies. I didn't realize they were still around at that point. Jessi watches her sibs play in the sprinkler and thinks a pool would be better, so she brings up getting a pool to her parents during dinner. They tell her they've thought about it, but no; however, Stoneybrook has a pool complex (really?) and they can take lessons there. Sweet. Mr. Ramsey agrees to call about a family membership the following day.
Chapter 2
Do I have to? Okay, here's a good line: When talking about what they do between phone calls, Jessi explains that they "try to think up new projects - which mostly means listening to the projects Kristy thinks of." Well, at least she's honest. Claudia outfit description: "She was wearing these sharply creased, pastel-green, cuffed shorts; a wild Hawaiian shirt tied at her waist, with vibrant colors that perfectly picked up the green; and sandals with crisscrossing ankle straps to her knees. Her hair was swept to one side and held in place with a long, fake-flowered barrette that looked like a Hawaiian lei." Jessi mentions that Dawn and Mary Anne's house was a stop on the Underground Railroad (which I never recall getting mentioned in the other character's books, save maybe for Dawn, but it's been a while), which probably once pushed Stoneybrook's minority population to a whole 11%. Wait, is Claudia considered a minority? Jessi mentions Dawn's penchant for health food and how she basically eats like a ballerina; Jessi'd rather have a burger, thanks. The last person to get mentioned is Mallory, and OMG they're the same, yet different, because Mal is white and likes to read and wants to be a horse. No, wait, she *wants* a horse but instead sort of looks like one. No, wait... As Jessi finishes, she notices Claudia doodling what looks like the Olympic logo. Turns out SMS will have a sports festival, so the girls talk about what they might do in it. This is the day after the pool talk, so Jessi considers competing in swimming.
Chapter 3
Gym class. Jessi suddenly can't stop thinking about swimming, and good news--the gym class will be starting swim lessons next week! They'll have to walk over to the community center for this, which just sounds like an *awesome* idea. Yes, because taking kids in and out of school the entire day isn't a security issue or anything. Mal's excited because "It's about a five-minute walk there and a five-minute walk back, so that's ten minutes less gym!" Dude, girl, but it's swimming. For the most part, I would have loved swimming during gym class, but instead I had the same guy throughout my whole time in grade school who made us do the exact same stuff for eight years. None of it involved a pool. When the day of the first class arrives, Mal is horrified to discover that boys are sharing the class with them. Now, I went to Catholic school, but I *always* had co-ed gym classes. And it's not like they're at the school's pool; it's public, and I imagine the other pools are in use by adults and toddlers and stuff. Yes, Mal, you and your fug bathing suit (it's faded with a ruffled skirt) will have to be seen by boys. Sheesh, you have brothers, so it's not like boys who will never be attracted to you haven't ever seen you in it. The class starts and Ms. Walden, the gym teacher (fitting that she's teaching swimming, right?), gives the girls a swim test to see what level they're at. Mal does surprisingly well, but Ms. W asks to see Jessi after class. Jessi's concerned that she sucks and will be put in remedial swimming, but instead gets asked if she's interested in doing synchronized swimming. The practices are during 4th Period, the one right before her gym class, and since that's her lunch time, Ms. W said she could arrange to have Jessi switch the two and forgo gym class. Before you can say Baryshnikov, Jessi has agreed.
Chapter 4
It's Thursday and time for her first synch-or-swim class. The group is now up to 16 girls, which is great, because it means everyone can be paired off. Previously, Elise Coates was the group whore poor girl who had a different partner all the time. Ms. Cox, the synchro ('cause that's what the cool kids call it) instructor, has Elise fill Jessi in on some of the moves. Elise tells Jessi she only started a few weeks ago and she's pretty bad, but when they jump in the pool and Jessi tries to match her strokes, she can barely keep up. Elise is on the SMS swim team, so she has strength but no style; Ms. Graceful Ballerina has style, but no strength. Ah, perfect. AMM called in Peter Lerangis, who called in Carol Grossman, a synchro expert, so there's descriptions of the swim moves. By the end of class, they find out that synchro will be part of the sports fest, and the pairs will compete against each other for medals. Jessi's concerned--I mean, hello, she's only been doing it for an hour--but Elise puts her at ease. After school, Jessi finds Becca in front of the TV watching the Olympic trials. Jessi tells her she'll be in the SMS version of the Olympics and Becca gets excited. Becca then asks if the Olympics might ever come to Stoneybrook. Jessi says no, they're usually held in bigger places. Becca says, "Not even if, like, the mayor calls up way, way in advance, and says they can use the new high school track?" Becca, dear, I'm a native Chicagoan. Not even if you get the President and Oprah to ask on your behalf. But I'm not bitter. However, Jessi's head hamster starts turning on its wheel...maybe the Olympics in Stoneybrook isn't so far-fetched after all...
Chapter 5
OMG OMG OMG Jessi has an idea, but since she's a Cult member she feels the need to run it by Kristy first. At least the next day is Friday, meeting day, so she gets her chance...right after Kristy and Stacey finish stroking it on Claudia's floor. Wait, I mean, they're practicing the breast stroke while lying face down on the carpet. Crap, that's actually what happened, and it doesn't sound any better. Claudia, the voyeur, is watching them while eating Oreos. I swear I'm not making this up. Oh, God, it gets better: Jessi asks what they're doing, and Kristy says, "Stacey wants to do the breast stroke in the Sports Festival, so I was coaching her."
That's it, game over, everyone go home. I'm almost in tears here from stifling laughter. But of course we all knew that Stacey wanted to be a champion breast-stroker. I just always figured her to be the strokee. And that Sam would be her coach. Aw, man, I just thought of that girl who becomes Marcia's close-close friend in one of the Brady Bunch movies. That is *so* Kristy.
Where was I? Ho shi... "Hey, I was enjoying the show," Claudia chimed in. "Keep going."
Rampant lesbianism, party of four...
Okay, okay, deep breaths...The meeting starts and the girls discus (C wut I did there?) the fest. Dawn wants to throw a javelin (aw, should've been discus). Claud wants to do something "track-oriented." Sorry, watching a marathon of your friends pretending to swim on your floor doesn't count. Kristy got challenged to race Alan Gray, so she's thinking of doing the obstacle course. Jessi ends up mentioning her idea, which...groan with me...is to set up a mini-Olympics for the kids of the 'Brook. They start coming up with different event ideas and tree-hugger Dawn wants to have awards for all the kids who participate. Who else thinks Claudia's going to design some wacky participation medal?
Chapter 6
You knew a baby-sitting chapter had to come along eventually. It's Kristy in the mansion with her siblings. And half the neighborhood--two each of the Papadakises, the Kormans, and the Hsus. Kristy, she of the Great Ideas, makes a Big Mistake: She tells the kids of the mini-Olympics idea. Pandemonium ensues. Kids are all over the place. Karen et al. are creating an obstacle course, which will be what Kristy's doing at SMS. The only person not getting into it is Andrew, who is too little to do pretty much anything the other kids are doing. (Emily Michelle must be staring at blades of grass or something, because she's not even mentioned.) By the end of the day, several kids are fighting and/or hurt. Hmm, maybe a kiddie Olympics isn't such a great idea. Good going, Jessi.
Chapter 7
"Boom...Boom...Boom...Boom..." Yep, it's a Lerangis book. Jessi's back at the pool trying to synchro to music. It's four weeks later and she and Elise aren't much better. After some group work they turn to their pairs routine, which Jessi choreographed. Yes, let's let someone who barely knows what she's doing design a routine. Translation: Neither girl can do it yet. It's Egyptian-inspired, which makes me wonder if it's set to the Bangles. They finish up and get changed, and ew, it doesn't sound like they showered afterward. Granted, I was that age and took swimming lessons, and I tended not to shower afterward, but I also got to go right home after; these girls have about a half-day of school left. Bet SMS smells great as the day wears on, what with everyone smelling of chlorine by the end of it. The competition is coming up soon, and the girls get the bright idea to practice outside of class. Really? It took you four weeks to get to this conclusion? They decide to spend every waking minute at the pool in order to improve their routine. Because that's what the real Olympians would do. Except, y'know, they still have school and other activities and stuff too.
Chapter 8
"The famous Dr. Stacey McGill, child psychologist," takes the next chapter. Her notebook blurb gives us the shocking truth: The mini-Olympics brings out and exaggerates the kids' character traits! The competitive ones become terrors! The non-athletic ones become turtles and draw their heads into their shells! Oh, tell us more! But she can't, because she didn't even know it herself the night before when she sat for Charlotte. I wouldn't be bragging about that, Stace. Besides, you're probably too busy working on your breast stroke... Geez, this part writes itself, because Stacey actually does run from the pool, where she was practicing, straight to Charlotte's house. Char is listening to a book-and-tape of "Peter and the Wolf." I loved those things, but I only had them for Disney movies. Char realizes it's time to walk the dog, and as they walk Stacey brings up the kiddie Olympics. Charlotte takes Mary Anne's stance, which is all "Hey hey, ho ho, Sports Fest has got to go." Stacey tries to play it up, that her BFF Becca will be joining in, and, hey, why don't we invite Becca over? Stacey has them blowing bubbles, playing something called "Trash Fashion Models," and finishes with a contest using surgical gloves as balloons, with the girls trying to keep them in the air. The girls have fun, so Stacey mentions those are the sorts of games they'd play in the mini-Olympics. Way to ruin the moment, Stace. The girls get quiet, and Becca says she has to go home to help with dinner. Charlotte is quiet, then confesses she thinks Stacey is mad at her because Char doesn't want to be in the mini-Olympics. Stacey feels like crap for pushing her almost-sister to do this and drops the subject.
Chapter 9
But the venue has been okayed! Hello, Schafer-Spier Sports Complex. It'll be the Saturday after the SMS version, which is two weeks away. Jessi tells us that 30 kids have signed up for it, and--make sure you're sitting down--the parents will be involved. Wait, this is allowed? They're going to help supervise. I...I feel faint at this thought. That's not the only shocking turn of events in this chapter, either. Kristy starts pestering Stacey about getting Charlotte involved, which isn't going to happen, and Mal of all people gets upset and stands up to Kristy. "So what if she doesn't want to be in the Mini-Olympics? Not everyone does, you know." Rock on, Mal. Rock on in your crappy bathing suit. Jessi senses something's wrong with Mal, but since she got switched out of gym class she hasn't seen much of her lately. Well, that couldn't have anything to do with it, could it? Jessi, who'd heard about the Charlotte thing from Becca, suggests MA talk to Char to say, you know what, not everyone's into sports and contests. Really, though, Jessi's thoughts keep going back to the pool. Two weeks, guys. Two weeks until her tour de force performance in the pool!
Chapter 10
Aw, crap, it's a Claudia chapter. If I wanted to read crappily-written prose, I'd go elsewhere on LiveJournal. Oh, oh wait, it's a Pike job, so Mal shows up too. It was so horrible that Claudia almost wants to "dorp dead." Oh, come on, the "Olimpyks" are so fun! Shoot me now. Except apparently Mallory was the first casualty of the whole experience. Ooh, exciting. The day starts with the kids dragging all sorts of equipment onto the driveway. Jordan, pretending to be an Olympic coach, attempts to drink brewer's yeast in water and about dies from the taste. Mallory rescues him with a glass of orange juice, and by then the Arnold twins have come by. Jordan recovers and starts telling the group to do calisthenics; Mal spices things up by grabbing a tape deck and playing peppy dance music. This siren song ends up calling over half the children in the neighborhood: Buddy and Suzi Barrett; Haley and Matt Braddock; Jenny Prezzioso; the Kuhns (not mentioned by name; guess Jessi doesn't know them off-hand either). Soon the group splintered apart and it turned very noisy--"Even Matt Braddock, who is deaf, was signing like crazy and making loud noises." Mal is mainly watching, but when she sees some of the boys doing potato sack races, she gets inspired...and promptly sprains her ankle. Mal's reaction is oh, darn, guess I can't be involved in the sports fest, which strikes Claudia as strange. Really, Claud? The least athletic of the sitters isn't upset by not being forced to do some silly sports competition? Are you huffing the cans of Reddi-Wip you keep under your mattress?
Chapter 11
One day until the SMS Sports Festival! Somehow it never got mentioned that this was something happening on a school day, but it's Tuesday, and Jessi and Elise are practicing yet again. I'll bet they look like prunes right about now. They lament that they have no idea how they compare to the other pairs, since they never see any other swimmers outside of class. Hmm. Of course, Jessi and Elise think that's because the others are so good they don't need to practice outside of class. Right. They also come to the stunning realization that they don't know each other outside of the pool, and Elise says they'll have to get together once the competition is over. Elise, honey, I hate to break this to you, but after this book you'll be stuffed into a locker with your swimsuit in your mouth, not found again until the next reincarnation of the BSC comes along in another decade. They run through their routine one last time, and an adult who'd been swimming at the other end of the pool tells them they look fantastic. The girls pooh-pooh the compliment, saying he must not know anything about synchro. Jessi is glad to leave, saying she's sick of the pool and can't believe she'd been excited to come here weeks ago. But she's nervous about Wednesday.
Chapter 12
Jessi couldn't sleep; she kept having nightmares about the competition. Mrs. Ramsey comes in to wake her and Jessi expresses her concerns. Mrs. R gives her a pep talk and thinks she'll do her best, which helps. Jessi has breakfast and goes off to school, where there's no classes for the day, just the fest. Really? Not even a shortened schedule? Jessi's somber mood is lifted by the beautiful day and the sight of banners and kids and...adults building a refreshment stand? Shouldn't they have finished it, you know, *before* the fest started? A Pike station wagon pulls up in front of the school and Mr. P helps Mal out, and Jessi, two chapters too late, thinks, "I had the strangest feeling--if I hadn't known better, I would have thought Mal sprained her ankle on purpose." No! Really?
The competition starts at nine, and naturally every SMS parent is able to take off work and come watch. It was probably declared a local holiday, so all the shops were closed and there was no garbage or mail service, either. Jessi's part is last, since everyone has to walk over to the swim center. Oh, by the way, were you aware that this is an annual festival? Well, I suppose it counts because even though they spent a decade in eighth grade, it was still considered just one year and that's why I don't ever recall it being mentioned before or since. The principal gives a long, drawn-out speech, and then the racing begins! It starts with the 100-yard dash. "Bang!" went the starting pistol--oh, Pete--and off went Kristy. No, this wasn't the Alan Gray race; Kristy's just that athletic that she wanted to compete in something besides that. She comes in second, though first among the girls. No, no, Jessi; just say she came in second. Like Kristy really wants to compete with girls. This isn't the breast stroke.
A few longer races occur, and then it's time for the backwards quarter-mile. Yes, backwards. I'm sure it's shocking to hear that Claudia has entered this one. Jessi claims it's for the non-jocks. And, of course, Claud proves her non-jock status by dressing in "electric-pink track shorts with a turquoise racing stripe, a matching top with cut-off sleeves, brand-new high top track shoes with no socks"--really? Is she competing in the Blister Olympics?--"and floral-print suspenders! Her hair was pulled up on top of her head and held in place with a silver barrette in the shape of the Olympic symbol. If it had been an athletic-wear fashion show, she would have won." Jessi, you're black, not blind. The race starts and hilarity ensues, with everyone crashing into each other or running off course. Jessi's not even sure who won. We all did, Jessi. We all did. Javelin is next, and Dawn doesn't win. Jessi's mind turns to MA, thinking it was too bad she didn't even want to watch, much less compete, but it turns out MA is working the concession stand. See, she's still able to contribute (and, unlike Claud, not scare everyone in the process). Mary Anne admits it was Charlotte who suggested she sell hot dogs or something--that kid is awesome--but before Jessi can order, the loudspeaker booms: It's time for the first part of the co-ed obstacle course starring Kristy and Alan Gray!
Chapter 13
The first challenge: Run 50 yards, long jump over a sand pit, jump a few hurdles, high jump, zig-zag through some traffic cones, step through tires, then another 50-yard run. Phew. Kristy legitimately warmed up; Alan clowned around. Come on, dude, this is mad serious stuff. Remember, the winner gets the loser as a personal servant for a week. And the race started off with a stumble by Kristy. Good job. However, Alan landed on his butt in the sand pit. Somehow both of them got tangled up on the ground--Jessi closed her eyes--and when they got to the hurdles, Kristy kicked her first one instead of jumping over it. It goes back and forth--Alan tumbles on a hurdle, Kristy barely clears the high-jump bar, Alan's foot gets stuck in a tire. They end up crossing the finish line together, or so it appears. Of course, it *is* a BSC novel, so Kristy wins. She wasted no time snapping her fingers and putting Alan to work as her servant. Soon enough it's time for swimming. Jessi's too busy getting ready for her own bit to see Stacey's race. There's a synchro exhibition prior to the pairs competition. Jessi's so nervous her mind blanks, and even though she and Elise go second, she doesn't pay attention to the other pairs. She thinks she and Elise aren't even going to medal, let alone place, and she thinks the announcer is joking when they're named the winners. Nope. Jessi, you're black gold.
Chapter 14
Mini-Olympics time! Kristy pawned a bunch of work off on Alan "You Mah Bitch!" Gray, who seems thrilled, particularly since Kristy has him address her as "ma'am." Elise even comes by, and Jessi barely recognizes her out of a swimsuit. Oh, gutter-dwellers, she's in street clothes. Jessi and Elise go and help Stacey with the prize table; "Since everyone was going to be a prize winner, that meant tying lots of bows, and writing labels like MOST IMPROVED, MOST DEDICATED, MOST ENTHUSIASTIC, and any other 'most' we could think of." How about Most Garishly Attired? Or Most Likely to Not Use Alan Gray for Dirty, Dirty Things? Whoops, that's right, this is for the charges. Mallory is helping set up the races; she's off her crutches now. Jessi is suspicious of her awfully fast recover. Charlotte found a way to participate and made signs, which she and a few others hang up.
The Hobarts and Pikes are the first to arrive and it doesn't take long for yelling to occur (over who gets to lift weights first). Jackie Rodowsky comes by and promptly falls in the kiddie pool. He had to go home and get changed, which brought a sense of relief for Jessi because he'd be gone for a while. Nice. Other participants include Kristy's family, Hsus, Braddocks, Prezziosos, Kormans, Newtons, and others that Jessi didn't bother naming. Kristy runs through some rules, including that if the kids want to do a contest and no sitters or adults are around, come find one. It started at ten and prizes would be announced at four. Logan ran the wiffle ball station and started coaching them, causing lots of non-wiffle ball people to get whacked by balls. Most kids entered several contests, or did like Linny and did the same one again and again to set records. Little Andrew, who hadn't initially wanted to participate, tries practically everything, but fails. Poor kid. And I don't know who to feel more sorry for here--Jamie Newton, who discovered that multiple Oreos and potato-sack races don't mix, or Alan, who got to disperse the result. Becca, the reason the whole thing existed, didn't participate, but she got a lot of enjoyment out of watching. The final activity was the "cross-country race," or two laps around the property. Suzi, Johnny Hobart, and Jenny P were entered, with Andrew joining at the last minute. He did really well at first but got tired and ended up third, in front of Suzi. Once again, the tears flowed.
Chapter 15
Awards time! Charlotte is Most Creative; Johnny Hobart is XC champ; Linny is the Most Frequent Weight-Lifter...and Andrew is Most Determined. Everyone got something, right down to Most Summery Outfit and Smoothest Running Style. Yes, because we can't teach the kids that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. By five o'clock it's all over and the BSC (minus Kristy, plus Alan) is cleaning up and waxing poetic on what they've learned. Even the kids can teach us things! Andrew never gave up! Charlotte proved that everyone can participate! Only Charlotte's message reached Mal too late; she admits to planning to fake-sprain her ankle. The actual sprain was just a bonus. And Jessi says that she and Elise are done with synchro--it was too much work and not enough fun, and it was cutting into their ballet and swimming, respectively. The story ends with Alan bringing Kristy an ice tea and slamming it on the table, causing tea to run down his pants. Classy. But they all end up laughing about it, even Alan.
Chapter 1
Jessi is in her ubiquitous ballet class with her ubiquitous French ballet instructor. She goes on and on about how she loves ballet and could do it for hours on end. There's a list of things she'd have to do if she wanted to dance professionally, and the first one is this: "Watching what I eat. (Have you ever seen a fat ballerina?)" Well, I have seen the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory critiques the ballet dancer, so yes, but Rory blamed that more on the costumer than the dancer herself. Jessi keeps mentioning "Misha" Baryshnikov and pulls on an American Ballet Theater sweatshirt after rehearsal ends. She'd probably pee her pants if I told her I had a distant relative who was on the ABT board before she died. Ooh, minor foreshadowing--as she gets in her father's car to go home, she mentions he sounds like James Earl Jones. There's a reason for that, of course. Say it with me: It's because she's black. "And Stoneybrook is, like, ninety percent white," she tells us. Why does that number seem low to me? Better double-check that with Stacey and Janine. Anyway, even though it's spring, it's crazy warm, and Jessi sees a billboard for the Summer Olympics (what, 1992 was an Olympic year) and thinks the huge picture of someone swimming looks refreshing. Ooh, true foreshadowing. It's so warm that when they get home, Jessi finds her little sister Becca hoping to play in the sprinkler, already wearing a white bathing suit she'd decorated with markers. The only reason I'm mentioning this is because I hate white bathing suits. Perverts Bathing suit makers, stop making them! That is all. Oh, and little brother Squirt is made to wear turquoise jellies. I didn't realize they were still around at that point. Jessi watches her sibs play in the sprinkler and thinks a pool would be better, so she brings up getting a pool to her parents during dinner. They tell her they've thought about it, but no; however, Stoneybrook has a pool complex (really?) and they can take lessons there. Sweet. Mr. Ramsey agrees to call about a family membership the following day.
Chapter 2
Do I have to? Okay, here's a good line: When talking about what they do between phone calls, Jessi explains that they "try to think up new projects - which mostly means listening to the projects Kristy thinks of." Well, at least she's honest. Claudia outfit description: "She was wearing these sharply creased, pastel-green, cuffed shorts; a wild Hawaiian shirt tied at her waist, with vibrant colors that perfectly picked up the green; and sandals with crisscrossing ankle straps to her knees. Her hair was swept to one side and held in place with a long, fake-flowered barrette that looked like a Hawaiian lei." Jessi mentions that Dawn and Mary Anne's house was a stop on the Underground Railroad (which I never recall getting mentioned in the other character's books, save maybe for Dawn, but it's been a while), which probably once pushed Stoneybrook's minority population to a whole 11%. Wait, is Claudia considered a minority? Jessi mentions Dawn's penchant for health food and how she basically eats like a ballerina; Jessi'd rather have a burger, thanks. The last person to get mentioned is Mallory, and OMG they're the same, yet different, because Mal is white and likes to read and wants to be a horse. No, wait, she *wants* a horse but instead sort of looks like one. No, wait... As Jessi finishes, she notices Claudia doodling what looks like the Olympic logo. Turns out SMS will have a sports festival, so the girls talk about what they might do in it. This is the day after the pool talk, so Jessi considers competing in swimming.
Chapter 3
Gym class. Jessi suddenly can't stop thinking about swimming, and good news--the gym class will be starting swim lessons next week! They'll have to walk over to the community center for this, which just sounds like an *awesome* idea. Yes, because taking kids in and out of school the entire day isn't a security issue or anything. Mal's excited because "It's about a five-minute walk there and a five-minute walk back, so that's ten minutes less gym!" Dude, girl, but it's swimming. For the most part, I would have loved swimming during gym class, but instead I had the same guy throughout my whole time in grade school who made us do the exact same stuff for eight years. None of it involved a pool. When the day of the first class arrives, Mal is horrified to discover that boys are sharing the class with them. Now, I went to Catholic school, but I *always* had co-ed gym classes. And it's not like they're at the school's pool; it's public, and I imagine the other pools are in use by adults and toddlers and stuff. Yes, Mal, you and your fug bathing suit (it's faded with a ruffled skirt) will have to be seen by boys. Sheesh, you have brothers, so it's not like boys who will never be attracted to you haven't ever seen you in it. The class starts and Ms. Walden, the gym teacher (fitting that she's teaching swimming, right?), gives the girls a swim test to see what level they're at. Mal does surprisingly well, but Ms. W asks to see Jessi after class. Jessi's concerned that she sucks and will be put in remedial swimming, but instead gets asked if she's interested in doing synchronized swimming. The practices are during 4th Period, the one right before her gym class, and since that's her lunch time, Ms. W said she could arrange to have Jessi switch the two and forgo gym class. Before you can say Baryshnikov, Jessi has agreed.
Chapter 4
It's Thursday and time for her first synch-or-swim class. The group is now up to 16 girls, which is great, because it means everyone can be paired off. Previously, Elise Coates was the group whore poor girl who had a different partner all the time. Ms. Cox, the synchro ('cause that's what the cool kids call it) instructor, has Elise fill Jessi in on some of the moves. Elise tells Jessi she only started a few weeks ago and she's pretty bad, but when they jump in the pool and Jessi tries to match her strokes, she can barely keep up. Elise is on the SMS swim team, so she has strength but no style; Ms. Graceful Ballerina has style, but no strength. Ah, perfect. AMM called in Peter Lerangis, who called in Carol Grossman, a synchro expert, so there's descriptions of the swim moves. By the end of class, they find out that synchro will be part of the sports fest, and the pairs will compete against each other for medals. Jessi's concerned--I mean, hello, she's only been doing it for an hour--but Elise puts her at ease. After school, Jessi finds Becca in front of the TV watching the Olympic trials. Jessi tells her she'll be in the SMS version of the Olympics and Becca gets excited. Becca then asks if the Olympics might ever come to Stoneybrook. Jessi says no, they're usually held in bigger places. Becca says, "Not even if, like, the mayor calls up way, way in advance, and says they can use the new high school track?" Becca, dear, I'm a native Chicagoan. Not even if you get the President and Oprah to ask on your behalf. But I'm not bitter. However, Jessi's head hamster starts turning on its wheel...maybe the Olympics in Stoneybrook isn't so far-fetched after all...
Chapter 5
OMG OMG OMG Jessi has an idea, but since she's a Cult member she feels the need to run it by Kristy first. At least the next day is Friday, meeting day, so she gets her chance...right after Kristy and Stacey finish stroking it on Claudia's floor. Wait, I mean, they're practicing the breast stroke while lying face down on the carpet. Crap, that's actually what happened, and it doesn't sound any better. Claudia, the voyeur, is watching them while eating Oreos. I swear I'm not making this up. Oh, God, it gets better: Jessi asks what they're doing, and Kristy says, "Stacey wants to do the breast stroke in the Sports Festival, so I was coaching her."
That's it, game over, everyone go home. I'm almost in tears here from stifling laughter. But of course we all knew that Stacey wanted to be a champion breast-stroker. I just always figured her to be the strokee. And that Sam would be her coach. Aw, man, I just thought of that girl who becomes Marcia's close-close friend in one of the Brady Bunch movies. That is *so* Kristy.
Where was I? Ho shi... "Hey, I was enjoying the show," Claudia chimed in. "Keep going."
Rampant lesbianism, party of four...
Okay, okay, deep breaths...The meeting starts and the girls discus (C wut I did there?) the fest. Dawn wants to throw a javelin (aw, should've been discus). Claud wants to do something "track-oriented." Sorry, watching a marathon of your friends pretending to swim on your floor doesn't count. Kristy got challenged to race Alan Gray, so she's thinking of doing the obstacle course. Jessi ends up mentioning her idea, which...groan with me...is to set up a mini-Olympics for the kids of the 'Brook. They start coming up with different event ideas and tree-hugger Dawn wants to have awards for all the kids who participate. Who else thinks Claudia's going to design some wacky participation medal?
Chapter 6
You knew a baby-sitting chapter had to come along eventually. It's Kristy in the mansion with her siblings. And half the neighborhood--two each of the Papadakises, the Kormans, and the Hsus. Kristy, she of the Great Ideas, makes a Big Mistake: She tells the kids of the mini-Olympics idea. Pandemonium ensues. Kids are all over the place. Karen et al. are creating an obstacle course, which will be what Kristy's doing at SMS. The only person not getting into it is Andrew, who is too little to do pretty much anything the other kids are doing. (Emily Michelle must be staring at blades of grass or something, because she's not even mentioned.) By the end of the day, several kids are fighting and/or hurt. Hmm, maybe a kiddie Olympics isn't such a great idea. Good going, Jessi.
Chapter 7
"Boom...Boom...Boom...Boom..." Yep, it's a Lerangis book. Jessi's back at the pool trying to synchro to music. It's four weeks later and she and Elise aren't much better. After some group work they turn to their pairs routine, which Jessi choreographed. Yes, let's let someone who barely knows what she's doing design a routine. Translation: Neither girl can do it yet. It's Egyptian-inspired, which makes me wonder if it's set to the Bangles. They finish up and get changed, and ew, it doesn't sound like they showered afterward. Granted, I was that age and took swimming lessons, and I tended not to shower afterward, but I also got to go right home after; these girls have about a half-day of school left. Bet SMS smells great as the day wears on, what with everyone smelling of chlorine by the end of it. The competition is coming up soon, and the girls get the bright idea to practice outside of class. Really? It took you four weeks to get to this conclusion? They decide to spend every waking minute at the pool in order to improve their routine. Because that's what the real Olympians would do. Except, y'know, they still have school and other activities and stuff too.
Chapter 8
"The famous Dr. Stacey McGill, child psychologist," takes the next chapter. Her notebook blurb gives us the shocking truth: The mini-Olympics brings out and exaggerates the kids' character traits! The competitive ones become terrors! The non-athletic ones become turtles and draw their heads into their shells! Oh, tell us more! But she can't, because she didn't even know it herself the night before when she sat for Charlotte. I wouldn't be bragging about that, Stace. Besides, you're probably too busy working on your breast stroke... Geez, this part writes itself, because Stacey actually does run from the pool, where she was practicing, straight to Charlotte's house. Char is listening to a book-and-tape of "Peter and the Wolf." I loved those things, but I only had them for Disney movies. Char realizes it's time to walk the dog, and as they walk Stacey brings up the kiddie Olympics. Charlotte takes Mary Anne's stance, which is all "Hey hey, ho ho, Sports Fest has got to go." Stacey tries to play it up, that her BFF Becca will be joining in, and, hey, why don't we invite Becca over? Stacey has them blowing bubbles, playing something called "Trash Fashion Models," and finishes with a contest using surgical gloves as balloons, with the girls trying to keep them in the air. The girls have fun, so Stacey mentions those are the sorts of games they'd play in the mini-Olympics. Way to ruin the moment, Stace. The girls get quiet, and Becca says she has to go home to help with dinner. Charlotte is quiet, then confesses she thinks Stacey is mad at her because Char doesn't want to be in the mini-Olympics. Stacey feels like crap for pushing her almost-sister to do this and drops the subject.
Chapter 9
But the venue has been okayed! Hello, Schafer-Spier Sports Complex. It'll be the Saturday after the SMS version, which is two weeks away. Jessi tells us that 30 kids have signed up for it, and--make sure you're sitting down--the parents will be involved. Wait, this is allowed? They're going to help supervise. I...I feel faint at this thought. That's not the only shocking turn of events in this chapter, either. Kristy starts pestering Stacey about getting Charlotte involved, which isn't going to happen, and Mal of all people gets upset and stands up to Kristy. "So what if she doesn't want to be in the Mini-Olympics? Not everyone does, you know." Rock on, Mal. Rock on in your crappy bathing suit. Jessi senses something's wrong with Mal, but since she got switched out of gym class she hasn't seen much of her lately. Well, that couldn't have anything to do with it, could it? Jessi, who'd heard about the Charlotte thing from Becca, suggests MA talk to Char to say, you know what, not everyone's into sports and contests. Really, though, Jessi's thoughts keep going back to the pool. Two weeks, guys. Two weeks until her tour de force performance in the pool!
Chapter 10
Aw, crap, it's a Claudia chapter. If I wanted to read crappily-written prose, I'd go elsewhere on LiveJournal. Oh, oh wait, it's a Pike job, so Mal shows up too. It was so horrible that Claudia almost wants to "dorp dead." Oh, come on, the "Olimpyks" are so fun! Shoot me now. Except apparently Mallory was the first casualty of the whole experience. Ooh, exciting. The day starts with the kids dragging all sorts of equipment onto the driveway. Jordan, pretending to be an Olympic coach, attempts to drink brewer's yeast in water and about dies from the taste. Mallory rescues him with a glass of orange juice, and by then the Arnold twins have come by. Jordan recovers and starts telling the group to do calisthenics; Mal spices things up by grabbing a tape deck and playing peppy dance music. This siren song ends up calling over half the children in the neighborhood: Buddy and Suzi Barrett; Haley and Matt Braddock; Jenny Prezzioso; the Kuhns (not mentioned by name; guess Jessi doesn't know them off-hand either). Soon the group splintered apart and it turned very noisy--"Even Matt Braddock, who is deaf, was signing like crazy and making loud noises." Mal is mainly watching, but when she sees some of the boys doing potato sack races, she gets inspired...and promptly sprains her ankle. Mal's reaction is oh, darn, guess I can't be involved in the sports fest, which strikes Claudia as strange. Really, Claud? The least athletic of the sitters isn't upset by not being forced to do some silly sports competition? Are you huffing the cans of Reddi-Wip you keep under your mattress?
Chapter 11
One day until the SMS Sports Festival! Somehow it never got mentioned that this was something happening on a school day, but it's Tuesday, and Jessi and Elise are practicing yet again. I'll bet they look like prunes right about now. They lament that they have no idea how they compare to the other pairs, since they never see any other swimmers outside of class. Hmm. Of course, Jessi and Elise think that's because the others are so good they don't need to practice outside of class. Right. They also come to the stunning realization that they don't know each other outside of the pool, and Elise says they'll have to get together once the competition is over. Elise, honey, I hate to break this to you, but after this book you'll be stuffed into a locker with your swimsuit in your mouth, not found again until the next reincarnation of the BSC comes along in another decade. They run through their routine one last time, and an adult who'd been swimming at the other end of the pool tells them they look fantastic. The girls pooh-pooh the compliment, saying he must not know anything about synchro. Jessi is glad to leave, saying she's sick of the pool and can't believe she'd been excited to come here weeks ago. But she's nervous about Wednesday.
Chapter 12
Jessi couldn't sleep; she kept having nightmares about the competition. Mrs. Ramsey comes in to wake her and Jessi expresses her concerns. Mrs. R gives her a pep talk and thinks she'll do her best, which helps. Jessi has breakfast and goes off to school, where there's no classes for the day, just the fest. Really? Not even a shortened schedule? Jessi's somber mood is lifted by the beautiful day and the sight of banners and kids and...adults building a refreshment stand? Shouldn't they have finished it, you know, *before* the fest started? A Pike station wagon pulls up in front of the school and Mr. P helps Mal out, and Jessi, two chapters too late, thinks, "I had the strangest feeling--if I hadn't known better, I would have thought Mal sprained her ankle on purpose." No! Really?
The competition starts at nine, and naturally every SMS parent is able to take off work and come watch. It was probably declared a local holiday, so all the shops were closed and there was no garbage or mail service, either. Jessi's part is last, since everyone has to walk over to the swim center. Oh, by the way, were you aware that this is an annual festival? Well, I suppose it counts because even though they spent a decade in eighth grade, it was still considered just one year and that's why I don't ever recall it being mentioned before or since. The principal gives a long, drawn-out speech, and then the racing begins! It starts with the 100-yard dash. "Bang!" went the starting pistol--oh, Pete--and off went Kristy. No, this wasn't the Alan Gray race; Kristy's just that athletic that she wanted to compete in something besides that. She comes in second, though first among the girls. No, no, Jessi; just say she came in second. Like Kristy really wants to compete with girls. This isn't the breast stroke.
A few longer races occur, and then it's time for the backwards quarter-mile. Yes, backwards. I'm sure it's shocking to hear that Claudia has entered this one. Jessi claims it's for the non-jocks. And, of course, Claud proves her non-jock status by dressing in "electric-pink track shorts with a turquoise racing stripe, a matching top with cut-off sleeves, brand-new high top track shoes with no socks"--really? Is she competing in the Blister Olympics?--"and floral-print suspenders! Her hair was pulled up on top of her head and held in place with a silver barrette in the shape of the Olympic symbol. If it had been an athletic-wear fashion show, she would have won." Jessi, you're black, not blind. The race starts and hilarity ensues, with everyone crashing into each other or running off course. Jessi's not even sure who won. We all did, Jessi. We all did. Javelin is next, and Dawn doesn't win. Jessi's mind turns to MA, thinking it was too bad she didn't even want to watch, much less compete, but it turns out MA is working the concession stand. See, she's still able to contribute (and, unlike Claud, not scare everyone in the process). Mary Anne admits it was Charlotte who suggested she sell hot dogs or something--that kid is awesome--but before Jessi can order, the loudspeaker booms: It's time for the first part of the co-ed obstacle course starring Kristy and Alan Gray!
Chapter 13
The first challenge: Run 50 yards, long jump over a sand pit, jump a few hurdles, high jump, zig-zag through some traffic cones, step through tires, then another 50-yard run. Phew. Kristy legitimately warmed up; Alan clowned around. Come on, dude, this is mad serious stuff. Remember, the winner gets the loser as a personal servant for a week. And the race started off with a stumble by Kristy. Good job. However, Alan landed on his butt in the sand pit. Somehow both of them got tangled up on the ground--Jessi closed her eyes--and when they got to the hurdles, Kristy kicked her first one instead of jumping over it. It goes back and forth--Alan tumbles on a hurdle, Kristy barely clears the high-jump bar, Alan's foot gets stuck in a tire. They end up crossing the finish line together, or so it appears. Of course, it *is* a BSC novel, so Kristy wins. She wasted no time snapping her fingers and putting Alan to work as her servant. Soon enough it's time for swimming. Jessi's too busy getting ready for her own bit to see Stacey's race. There's a synchro exhibition prior to the pairs competition. Jessi's so nervous her mind blanks, and even though she and Elise go second, she doesn't pay attention to the other pairs. She thinks she and Elise aren't even going to medal, let alone place, and she thinks the announcer is joking when they're named the winners. Nope. Jessi, you're black gold.
Chapter 14
Mini-Olympics time! Kristy pawned a bunch of work off on Alan "You Mah Bitch!" Gray, who seems thrilled, particularly since Kristy has him address her as "ma'am." Elise even comes by, and Jessi barely recognizes her out of a swimsuit. Oh, gutter-dwellers, she's in street clothes. Jessi and Elise go and help Stacey with the prize table; "Since everyone was going to be a prize winner, that meant tying lots of bows, and writing labels like MOST IMPROVED, MOST DEDICATED, MOST ENTHUSIASTIC, and any other 'most' we could think of." How about Most Garishly Attired? Or Most Likely to Not Use Alan Gray for Dirty, Dirty Things? Whoops, that's right, this is for the charges. Mallory is helping set up the races; she's off her crutches now. Jessi is suspicious of her awfully fast recover. Charlotte found a way to participate and made signs, which she and a few others hang up.
The Hobarts and Pikes are the first to arrive and it doesn't take long for yelling to occur (over who gets to lift weights first). Jackie Rodowsky comes by and promptly falls in the kiddie pool. He had to go home and get changed, which brought a sense of relief for Jessi because he'd be gone for a while. Nice. Other participants include Kristy's family, Hsus, Braddocks, Prezziosos, Kormans, Newtons, and others that Jessi didn't bother naming. Kristy runs through some rules, including that if the kids want to do a contest and no sitters or adults are around, come find one. It started at ten and prizes would be announced at four. Logan ran the wiffle ball station and started coaching them, causing lots of non-wiffle ball people to get whacked by balls. Most kids entered several contests, or did like Linny and did the same one again and again to set records. Little Andrew, who hadn't initially wanted to participate, tries practically everything, but fails. Poor kid. And I don't know who to feel more sorry for here--Jamie Newton, who discovered that multiple Oreos and potato-sack races don't mix, or Alan, who got to disperse the result. Becca, the reason the whole thing existed, didn't participate, but she got a lot of enjoyment out of watching. The final activity was the "cross-country race," or two laps around the property. Suzi, Johnny Hobart, and Jenny P were entered, with Andrew joining at the last minute. He did really well at first but got tired and ended up third, in front of Suzi. Once again, the tears flowed.
Chapter 15
Awards time! Charlotte is Most Creative; Johnny Hobart is XC champ; Linny is the Most Frequent Weight-Lifter...and Andrew is Most Determined. Everyone got something, right down to Most Summery Outfit and Smoothest Running Style. Yes, because we can't teach the kids that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. By five o'clock it's all over and the BSC (minus Kristy, plus Alan) is cleaning up and waxing poetic on what they've learned. Even the kids can teach us things! Andrew never gave up! Charlotte proved that everyone can participate! Only Charlotte's message reached Mal too late; she admits to planning to fake-sprain her ankle. The actual sprain was just a bonus. And Jessi says that she and Elise are done with synchro--it was too much work and not enough fun, and it was cutting into their ballet and swimming, respectively. The story ends with Alan bringing Kristy an ice tea and slamming it on the table, causing tea to run down his pants. Classy. But they all end up laughing about it, even Alan.