(no subject)
I just get tired of the universe fuckin' me time after time. Granted, perhaps I deserve it, 'cause I've done bad things that sometimes get overlooked. But every time I try to do the right thing, work hard, and be a normal person the universe finds it fit to screw me.
I dunno...I just get frustrated how ridiculous it all is ya know. How if I'm not self-destructin' my own well-bein' then circumstance and chance deem it necessary to do it for me. I'll keep tryin', and keep pushin', and duckin' my shoulder and plowin' into the brick walls. Frankly, that's all I know to do.
There's more I could say. Details I should probably illuminate. Reasons for why all the bad shit that only seems to happen to me when I have an extended period of good times. But I don't wanna speak on it. I just don't care. To hell with it all right? Haha.
And then there's this one girl that I've been talkin' to a lot. She's from back home in Trinity. And she's ok enough, and I know she likes me. And I can say all my fucked up shit around her, so that's nice. Something's missin' though. I dunno if it's the fact that she intentionally tries to match me. Or if it's just a matter of me never quite bein' satisfied with what I have, but just somethings missin'. And that bothers me, 'cause I like her, I do things that show I like her, and I try to show her that I like her, but I just can't commit. I wish I could, 'cause she's a really nice girl and has a lot of qualities that I like, but I'm just an idiot.
I've had four friends. FOUR. Get engaged in the past three months. And I'm happier than hell for them honestly, but I can't but feel a little bit like I should be in some sort of relationship. But to me relationships are just so terrifyin'. One because you have to constantly discuss feelings and important things, and that's totally sometime I don't wanna do as a general rule. And then there's the whole settin' aside time for somebody and bein' dependent on another person in someway; whether it be physically, emotionally, or whateverly. It's like I want one, but I want one that's either easy (and they never are) or one that I'm willin' to work for (which I rarely am). It's just mind-bogglin'.
And then there's the girl at work. Becky. Honestly, never once in the double digit jobs I've had have I ever worked with a single, attractive, girl who was my type. So I have no idea what the protocol for this all is. But she's really pretty. And super nice. And she's just adorable. And I have a bit of a crush on her, but it's not really like an I wanna fuck you crush...it's more like an I wanna get to know you crush. And I need to not be such a pussy and ask her out for a beer or something, but as the universe would have it, I have no damn car. I just kinda wanna get to know her a little ya know? Talk to her outside of the damn hotel. She just seems really nice (well she is really nice) and fun, and I'd like to hang out with her. Also she has really pretty eyes. And normally, I'm not a eye-contact kind of person. I only make eye-contact generally if 1) I'm interested in what you're sayin' 2) Attracted to you or 3) Lyin' to you. But yeah, she's just a girl I'd like to get to know. If not as a romantic interest, then at least as a friend. Her sister's really nice too. Mandy. She has a boyfriend so there's no feelings there really, but we kind of click a little bit, and I kinda want to be her friend too. But then again, she's one of those types of girls that can click with anyone. Haha she's just really nice, and she seems like a person that would be a fun friend to have ya know?
Haha, sore-ree I've just never worked with attractive people my own age before. That's really weird considerin' I'm almost 27 years old. But it's true, it's damn true.
I'm just tryin' to get a normal person's life together. Kelly Scott said it seemed like I had forgotten how to dream big. And I tried to explain to her that my big dreams all just normal, everyday things that the average person desires. My life has been an uphill battle that I've tried to coast through, and y'all don't even know half the shit I've seen, done, and had to handle. But on the other hand, some of my El-Ars do. It's not that I don't dream big. It's just that my Big Dreams aren't of great riches or big changes or bein' famous and important. My Big Dream is I just wanna be the most important person to someone. I wanna be that one soul they can't live without. I wanna have enough monies to never hafta worry about them. I just wanna wake up and know that I'm livin' a life that I enjoy and sharin' it with people that I love. I know that's probably not some great, grand, incredible thing that I'm probably capable of. But that's what I want. And if I had to do something amazin' to get to that point, then I can probably pull that out of my ass. But seriously that's all I want. I want the storybook, rom-com, fairy-tale, happily-ever-after endin'. I'd much rather be the world to one person than one person that the whole world knows.
And speakin' of Kelly Scott. I miss her. I wish we could hang out more, but our schedules don't quite permit that durin' the week. And on the weekends, I don't wanna impose on her shit, and sometimes I just have shit I hafta do or primetime party plans. I just feel like we're growin' kind of distant from one another, and things aren't the same as they've always been between us. Theoretically, we've gone thru periods where we've got caught up in life and what have you, and don't talk for a while. I reckon it just seems like a bigger deal as time progresses and it's somewhat intensified to me at least, 'cause we're so much closer proximity-wise to one another. It seems different somehow. It bothers me a bit, but I just got so much other shit goin' on right now, that I can't really address it. I'm tryin' to pay for an apartment I don't live in...worried about my broken down car...tryin' to handle a girl from home that wants a relationship that I'm not entirely sure I want. There's just a lot on my plate, and I'm sure she's got a lot of shit on her plate too. I miss her though. She's the only person in the world that I feel as if I sit down and talk to her about things we can handle anything. I miss that. She's the only person in this whole wide world that I really need.
I miss a lot of things. I miss goin' out with my friends, my old, good friends. I just feel so isolated. And Sartre said that if you're lonely when you're alone you're in bad company. And I believe that, yet at the same time, I just miss a lot of shit. Josh wants to hang out New Years, and I'm stoked about that, 'cause he's my best good friend, and one of the few dude friends I have that I can talk about shit with and not feel pressured ya know? And that's always good to have when the year changes.
I can't figure out if life is better or worse than it has been for me Loyal Readers. On some fronts it's much, much better, or others, it sucks balls. But I reckon that's how it goes when you're almost 27 years old. You're terrified of things to come and miss shit that used to be. Weird times. But as always, I'll endure, and do my damnedest to come out on top.
Night friends.
I dunno...I just get frustrated how ridiculous it all is ya know. How if I'm not self-destructin' my own well-bein' then circumstance and chance deem it necessary to do it for me. I'll keep tryin', and keep pushin', and duckin' my shoulder and plowin' into the brick walls. Frankly, that's all I know to do.
There's more I could say. Details I should probably illuminate. Reasons for why all the bad shit that only seems to happen to me when I have an extended period of good times. But I don't wanna speak on it. I just don't care. To hell with it all right? Haha.
And then there's this one girl that I've been talkin' to a lot. She's from back home in Trinity. And she's ok enough, and I know she likes me. And I can say all my fucked up shit around her, so that's nice. Something's missin' though. I dunno if it's the fact that she intentionally tries to match me. Or if it's just a matter of me never quite bein' satisfied with what I have, but just somethings missin'. And that bothers me, 'cause I like her, I do things that show I like her, and I try to show her that I like her, but I just can't commit. I wish I could, 'cause she's a really nice girl and has a lot of qualities that I like, but I'm just an idiot.
I've had four friends. FOUR. Get engaged in the past three months. And I'm happier than hell for them honestly, but I can't but feel a little bit like I should be in some sort of relationship. But to me relationships are just so terrifyin'. One because you have to constantly discuss feelings and important things, and that's totally sometime I don't wanna do as a general rule. And then there's the whole settin' aside time for somebody and bein' dependent on another person in someway; whether it be physically, emotionally, or whateverly. It's like I want one, but I want one that's either easy (and they never are) or one that I'm willin' to work for (which I rarely am). It's just mind-bogglin'.
And then there's the girl at work. Becky. Honestly, never once in the double digit jobs I've had have I ever worked with a single, attractive, girl who was my type. So I have no idea what the protocol for this all is. But she's really pretty. And super nice. And she's just adorable. And I have a bit of a crush on her, but it's not really like an I wanna fuck you crush...it's more like an I wanna get to know you crush. And I need to not be such a pussy and ask her out for a beer or something, but as the universe would have it, I have no damn car. I just kinda wanna get to know her a little ya know? Talk to her outside of the damn hotel. She just seems really nice (well she is really nice) and fun, and I'd like to hang out with her. Also she has really pretty eyes. And normally, I'm not a eye-contact kind of person. I only make eye-contact generally if 1) I'm interested in what you're sayin' 2) Attracted to you or 3) Lyin' to you. But yeah, she's just a girl I'd like to get to know. If not as a romantic interest, then at least as a friend. Her sister's really nice too. Mandy. She has a boyfriend so there's no feelings there really, but we kind of click a little bit, and I kinda want to be her friend too. But then again, she's one of those types of girls that can click with anyone. Haha she's just really nice, and she seems like a person that would be a fun friend to have ya know?
Haha, sore-ree I've just never worked with attractive people my own age before. That's really weird considerin' I'm almost 27 years old. But it's true, it's damn true.
I'm just tryin' to get a normal person's life together. Kelly Scott said it seemed like I had forgotten how to dream big. And I tried to explain to her that my big dreams all just normal, everyday things that the average person desires. My life has been an uphill battle that I've tried to coast through, and y'all don't even know half the shit I've seen, done, and had to handle. But on the other hand, some of my El-Ars do. It's not that I don't dream big. It's just that my Big Dreams aren't of great riches or big changes or bein' famous and important. My Big Dream is I just wanna be the most important person to someone. I wanna be that one soul they can't live without. I wanna have enough monies to never hafta worry about them. I just wanna wake up and know that I'm livin' a life that I enjoy and sharin' it with people that I love. I know that's probably not some great, grand, incredible thing that I'm probably capable of. But that's what I want. And if I had to do something amazin' to get to that point, then I can probably pull that out of my ass. But seriously that's all I want. I want the storybook, rom-com, fairy-tale, happily-ever-after endin'. I'd much rather be the world to one person than one person that the whole world knows.
And speakin' of Kelly Scott. I miss her. I wish we could hang out more, but our schedules don't quite permit that durin' the week. And on the weekends, I don't wanna impose on her shit, and sometimes I just have shit I hafta do or primetime party plans. I just feel like we're growin' kind of distant from one another, and things aren't the same as they've always been between us. Theoretically, we've gone thru periods where we've got caught up in life and what have you, and don't talk for a while. I reckon it just seems like a bigger deal as time progresses and it's somewhat intensified to me at least, 'cause we're so much closer proximity-wise to one another. It seems different somehow. It bothers me a bit, but I just got so much other shit goin' on right now, that I can't really address it. I'm tryin' to pay for an apartment I don't live in...worried about my broken down car...tryin' to handle a girl from home that wants a relationship that I'm not entirely sure I want. There's just a lot on my plate, and I'm sure she's got a lot of shit on her plate too. I miss her though. She's the only person in the world that I feel as if I sit down and talk to her about things we can handle anything. I miss that. She's the only person in this whole wide world that I really need.
I miss a lot of things. I miss goin' out with my friends, my old, good friends. I just feel so isolated. And Sartre said that if you're lonely when you're alone you're in bad company. And I believe that, yet at the same time, I just miss a lot of shit. Josh wants to hang out New Years, and I'm stoked about that, 'cause he's my best good friend, and one of the few dude friends I have that I can talk about shit with and not feel pressured ya know? And that's always good to have when the year changes.
I can't figure out if life is better or worse than it has been for me Loyal Readers. On some fronts it's much, much better, or others, it sucks balls. But I reckon that's how it goes when you're almost 27 years old. You're terrified of things to come and miss shit that used to be. Weird times. But as always, I'll endure, and do my damnedest to come out on top.
Night friends.