Destination: Beautiful
It's odd. I sometimes wonder if i'll ever wake up from this dreamless state i always seem to find myself in throughout the day. I'm in a hall and I'm running, but i don't know what i'm running from. Whatever it is, i don't like it, so i keep running. IN the hall there are doors every other 2 feet, or it seems like it, and every time i try a door its locked or jammed, i don't know. i keep running, and running. Funny, i never seem to run out of breath. all i know is that something is compelling me to keep running down this hall. So whats the catch? the hall never seems to have an end. I know: such a cliche. but its the type of cliche you find in the movies, not in real life. Maybe it's a sign or something. maybe. maybe i'm running from myself. the truth. maybe i don't want to know, soemtimes, just what i'm thinking. You know what they say, some things are better left unsaid. heh. tonight i said it. im not sure if it was right thought, but it had to be said. and when i said it, it was like an enormous trunk was lifted off my chest. for the first time, in a long time, i didn't feel anything. i felt...like me. it was nice for the 2 hours it lasted till i dropped back to reality and started thinking again. but it was nice nonetheless. it's too bad she doesnt feel the same way. you know? i mean, just not in that sense. heh, i wonder if it's even a good idea that i'm writing about it now, just thinking about it makes me shake, for lack of a better word.
after talking to her, i felt like i really had found some true answers. not just your run of the mill excuses. like these were answers to questions that had been sitting in my mind like a couch potato. but now that i feel like i know the answers, im not sure if i really wanted to know them anymore. the feeling of uncertainty was almost more pleasing than knowing the truth.
she said something that really caught my attention though. she was talking to me about her job and how she knows that she was meant to do what she does. she told me that she couldn't picture herself doing anything else for work. she enjoyed going to work. it made me think about her. man, im so fucking redundant. it almost makes me sick. anyways, it made me think about her. it made me think that maybe i was supposed to be with her. you know? i really can't see myself with anyone else but her. ::sigh:: its so far fetched though. the idea doesn't factor in what she sees though, so there is the main fault in that. its kind of a bummer.
it was answered though, my question that is. you see, i wanted to know if she really felt the same way about me, but i guess she doesnt. not like that though. she answered in the "be happy that you have me" kind of way. im very greatful to have her in anyway, its just that i wanted her in a more special way. im pushing it though. im trying way to hard. and im an ass for doing so. its kind of weird. she mentioned that she had a passion for her work. remember? the work thing is related to the idea of destiny, you were meant to work there if you can't picture youself doing anything else...that thing. well, when i think of passion i can't help but look really deep and think of fruit, as in the forbidden fruit in that garden. maybe this is just what im in. im in that garden and shes the fruit. not matter how right i think we are for each other, theres no way in hell im gonna get it or ever have it. there are a million ways to say it.
i gotta stop feeling this way. i don't regret anything, but its gonna be the death of me. don't be silly, i don't mean in the crazy suicide way, i mean like im gonna never want to do anything anymore. i'll be a vegetable by choice, and i'll just drag everyone else down with me. this is bad, the more i think about it, i guess the worse i feel. heh. double bladed sword i guess.
i just dont believe it though. to think that after two years, i try to be friends, and then this happens. i can't help it though. well mentally. physically i can take care of things. a click here and a click there and she's gone and had never existed in my life, but i can't its impossible. like in eternal sunshine with jim carrey. i'm gonna find my way to her again. and even if i erased her from my mind, i would end up in the situation im in right now. i can't help but laugh a little bit though. this is stuff movie goers live for to see on the big screen. its almost too real to be real. understand? its complicated. my mind is complicated. you'll never understand, but its nice to see it on the screen huh? yeah, thats what i thought.
who would have figured that after two years of not speaking, not seeing her. two years of avoidance because of what i thought was anger. two years of purposely hating her to hide myself from the truth. two years of running down that hall way where every door doesn't want to open. two years to finally see that it doesnt matter what i do.
everytime i see you, i'm going to fall in love with you, just like the first time and every other time.
after talking to her, i felt like i really had found some true answers. not just your run of the mill excuses. like these were answers to questions that had been sitting in my mind like a couch potato. but now that i feel like i know the answers, im not sure if i really wanted to know them anymore. the feeling of uncertainty was almost more pleasing than knowing the truth.
she said something that really caught my attention though. she was talking to me about her job and how she knows that she was meant to do what she does. she told me that she couldn't picture herself doing anything else for work. she enjoyed going to work. it made me think about her. man, im so fucking redundant. it almost makes me sick. anyways, it made me think about her. it made me think that maybe i was supposed to be with her. you know? i really can't see myself with anyone else but her. ::sigh:: its so far fetched though. the idea doesn't factor in what she sees though, so there is the main fault in that. its kind of a bummer.
it was answered though, my question that is. you see, i wanted to know if she really felt the same way about me, but i guess she doesnt. not like that though. she answered in the "be happy that you have me" kind of way. im very greatful to have her in anyway, its just that i wanted her in a more special way. im pushing it though. im trying way to hard. and im an ass for doing so. its kind of weird. she mentioned that she had a passion for her work. remember? the work thing is related to the idea of destiny, you were meant to work there if you can't picture youself doing anything else...that thing. well, when i think of passion i can't help but look really deep and think of fruit, as in the forbidden fruit in that garden. maybe this is just what im in. im in that garden and shes the fruit. not matter how right i think we are for each other, theres no way in hell im gonna get it or ever have it. there are a million ways to say it.
i gotta stop feeling this way. i don't regret anything, but its gonna be the death of me. don't be silly, i don't mean in the crazy suicide way, i mean like im gonna never want to do anything anymore. i'll be a vegetable by choice, and i'll just drag everyone else down with me. this is bad, the more i think about it, i guess the worse i feel. heh. double bladed sword i guess.
i just dont believe it though. to think that after two years, i try to be friends, and then this happens. i can't help it though. well mentally. physically i can take care of things. a click here and a click there and she's gone and had never existed in my life, but i can't its impossible. like in eternal sunshine with jim carrey. i'm gonna find my way to her again. and even if i erased her from my mind, i would end up in the situation im in right now. i can't help but laugh a little bit though. this is stuff movie goers live for to see on the big screen. its almost too real to be real. understand? its complicated. my mind is complicated. you'll never understand, but its nice to see it on the screen huh? yeah, thats what i thought.
who would have figured that after two years of not speaking, not seeing her. two years of avoidance because of what i thought was anger. two years of purposely hating her to hide myself from the truth. two years of running down that hall way where every door doesn't want to open. two years to finally see that it doesnt matter what i do.
everytime i see you, i'm going to fall in love with you, just like the first time and every other time.