So... that's life. I guess.
What's going on... is sort of a hard question to answer.
Milo died over a month ago and I'm still taking it hard. When your daily life shrinks down to a few people and animals everything is felt stronger. In May, I got another cat, Nemo because I am tired of my old animals dying. Which brings me to another problem Lala is 17 and she's acting sick now too. I really don't know if I can go through this again. Lala has been with me almost as long a Milo. She has been unquestionably my cat since she was born. I was there when she was born. I hope I'm just reading too much into an old cat with aches and pains but I'm tired of the emotional toll.
I've been continuing to look for work. An ad that's there one day is gone the next. Every job I've really wanted, no matter how menial, has been filled before I arrive. Graveyard grounds keeper for one. I need to apply to a few more jobs this week then submit proof to unemployment that I've been applying. It sounds easy. Sounds easy. I'm going to have to apply for things I'm not even qualified for. This says a lot, because I'm qualified for a number of fields. This lack of response to resumes hasn't helped for my general mental state which has become quite strained.
I had family staying here for a few days which was fine. It wasn't that stressful while they were here and a lot got done. It's the decompression and clean up after that gets me. There is a lot around the house I haven't done because I just can't get the energy or the will power. Times like this I worry that my medication isn't working as well as it used to. It's hard for me to tell without an outside observer. Do I need a dose increase? I don't know. I need to make an appointment for my doctor to write me a new script anyway maybe I'll talk to him then. It's hard to say there have been too many emotional stressers on me.
I have been under stress which does terrible things to my mind. I'm in what we'll call Insecurity Castle. It's where no matter what I tell myself I feel as if no one cares. That no really likes me for anything other than what I can give them. Even when people tell me that's not true I have trouble really hearing it. I tend to quiet down when I get like this... not because I don't want contact but because I have a very hard time telling if the feelings I'm getting are right. To clarify, I do a lot of things by feel and instinct which very rarely leads me into trouble. Where it does lead me into trouble is times like this. Where I know for a fact that what I'm feeling is wrong. My gut instincts/moral compass are usually the only thing left I can trust but they're.... vague. I'm not sure if I can explain it. It deals in absolutes like moral choices. But when my emotional side is a off kilter it feeds the moral side bad information. Like... my self worth has kinda just bottomed out, so the emotional side is telling the moral side that since I'm not worth anything I should put everyone ahead of me. This sadly makes perfect sense to me when things get bad.
At the same time, I just wanna go somewhere or be around someone who'll just tell me it's going to be okay. Then I have trouble getting that far because of the quagmire depression kicking in. It's something I've been working on. Me and Jordan have a rule... since we are emotionally the same person. The moment any of these thoughts get into either of our heads we're supposed to at least tell each other. I'm getting better at doing this with my friends too but I have always had this fear that it'll scare people away. Even when I know it won't. Irrational but persistent.
As much as I'm in a bad space right now, I don't know how bad. Because I was fine the other day. Well, fine as in I was happy, life still sucked but I was pretty happy. So I also know this is in part due to my monthly cycle and this should, by all rights, go away in a day or so. If not, well.... Jordan will be here this weekend. He knows what's going on and will drag me off to the doctor accordingly if things don't turn around.
Milo died over a month ago and I'm still taking it hard. When your daily life shrinks down to a few people and animals everything is felt stronger. In May, I got another cat, Nemo because I am tired of my old animals dying. Which brings me to another problem Lala is 17 and she's acting sick now too. I really don't know if I can go through this again. Lala has been with me almost as long a Milo. She has been unquestionably my cat since she was born. I was there when she was born. I hope I'm just reading too much into an old cat with aches and pains but I'm tired of the emotional toll.
I've been continuing to look for work. An ad that's there one day is gone the next. Every job I've really wanted, no matter how menial, has been filled before I arrive. Graveyard grounds keeper for one. I need to apply to a few more jobs this week then submit proof to unemployment that I've been applying. It sounds easy. Sounds easy. I'm going to have to apply for things I'm not even qualified for. This says a lot, because I'm qualified for a number of fields. This lack of response to resumes hasn't helped for my general mental state which has become quite strained.
I had family staying here for a few days which was fine. It wasn't that stressful while they were here and a lot got done. It's the decompression and clean up after that gets me. There is a lot around the house I haven't done because I just can't get the energy or the will power. Times like this I worry that my medication isn't working as well as it used to. It's hard for me to tell without an outside observer. Do I need a dose increase? I don't know. I need to make an appointment for my doctor to write me a new script anyway maybe I'll talk to him then. It's hard to say there have been too many emotional stressers on me.
I have been under stress which does terrible things to my mind. I'm in what we'll call Insecurity Castle. It's where no matter what I tell myself I feel as if no one cares. That no really likes me for anything other than what I can give them. Even when people tell me that's not true I have trouble really hearing it. I tend to quiet down when I get like this... not because I don't want contact but because I have a very hard time telling if the feelings I'm getting are right. To clarify, I do a lot of things by feel and instinct which very rarely leads me into trouble. Where it does lead me into trouble is times like this. Where I know for a fact that what I'm feeling is wrong. My gut instincts/moral compass are usually the only thing left I can trust but they're.... vague. I'm not sure if I can explain it. It deals in absolutes like moral choices. But when my emotional side is a off kilter it feeds the moral side bad information. Like... my self worth has kinda just bottomed out, so the emotional side is telling the moral side that since I'm not worth anything I should put everyone ahead of me. This sadly makes perfect sense to me when things get bad.
At the same time, I just wanna go somewhere or be around someone who'll just tell me it's going to be okay. Then I have trouble getting that far because of the quagmire depression kicking in. It's something I've been working on. Me and Jordan have a rule... since we are emotionally the same person. The moment any of these thoughts get into either of our heads we're supposed to at least tell each other. I'm getting better at doing this with my friends too but I have always had this fear that it'll scare people away. Even when I know it won't. Irrational but persistent.
As much as I'm in a bad space right now, I don't know how bad. Because I was fine the other day. Well, fine as in I was happy, life still sucked but I was pretty happy. So I also know this is in part due to my monthly cycle and this should, by all rights, go away in a day or so. If not, well.... Jordan will be here this weekend. He knows what's going on and will drag me off to the doctor accordingly if things don't turn around.