And suddenly online wank is nothing.
So here's where things stand. I have a lot of mental illness in my family including myself. I'm on some really kick ass meds that keep me pretty much on the stable and hits up a couple of my other disorders while it's at it in it's off-label uses. I'm not exaggerating when I say without it I would be dead. It took lots of therapy, meds and support to keep me in a good situation. A lot of self discipline too. There's no one magical cure for this. I've found, with me it takes four strong supports to keep me sane. Meds, therapy, family and self-discipline (and sometimes kitties).
I'm the youngest of five children. Though the other four are half siblings to me and on a whole much older we did all live together for a period of time and they are important to me. There are mental problems on both sides of the court. My brother Dan on my dad's side, has tried to kill himself multiple times, is an alcoholic and drug addict. He's been like that since I was a little kid. We've tried to help him but he refuses to get help and he brushes off the court ordered help. His underlying cause is clinical depression and agoraphobia. His self medicating is killing him. There is nothing we can do. We've tried for over 25 years. I expect to get a call one day saying he's dead either by liver failure or he killed himself. I've... come to accept this. I don't like it. but I accept it. There is one clear thing about him. Dan knows what he's doing is wrong and not the answer. He's also said to me on many occasions, "Don't do what I do." He knows it's wrong and he decided he didn't want to get better.
Now, my sister Liz, on my mom side. Out of the four she's the one I've always been closest to. When I was 4 we had to commit her for a few days. It took the next 15 years to get her back on her feet. About this time last year, all that work fell apart. I've detailed what happened in my other post. She's in a very bad way right now. You've heard the term 'mean drunk' she's a 'mean depressed.' She had been doing better but I recently got a call from my mom saying she's dipping back down to where she was in December(when I left). Recently, she said she's not sure she wants to get better. This... obviously bothers me. She's been in the planning stage suicidal since January. Obviously this bothers me too.
What bothers me most is she is where I've been before and she's refusing to listen to anyone because 'we can't possibly understand.' No, I'm sorry. I understand way too well. Remember that two year span I hid in the basement and cut myself off? Ate nothing but rice and plain pasta? Spent my birthday in the ER? Or my freshmen year in high school? Where I got taken out of school because I was so sick and then got so depressed it made it worse?
In essence, she's acting like she's suddenly 14 all over again. There are multiple factors involved in her situation. All of which can be addressed if she lets us.
Now, I understand not wanting to get better too. I've been THERE too. It's not something you can force someone to realize. But my problem right now is she's destroying everyone around her including our mother. My mom is 66 and has Fibromyaliga, serve arthritis, a valve defect on her heart and her own minor problem with depression. And she's forcing mom to deal with this insane stress every day. Stress makes all of mom's problems worse. She's been getting sick a lot and I just.... really hate it.
To give you some perspective, I've been taking care of my mom since I was really little. She was 39 when I was born and Fibromyaliga hit a couple years later. I remember. I was the one who had to call 911 when she couldn't move. I can't really remember how old I was. What I do remember is my height, I wasn't even eye level with the top of the bed. I had to climb to get to the phone. I pulled the bottom drawer out of the dresser so I could climb up. Not that my brother and sister weren't around but they were older and could leave. They were adults. They both moved out when mom was at the worst. I learned how to do a lot of things way too early. There was a period of time where we both were very sick. We had to take turns taking care of each other.
So, yeah... I'm upset. Not just because my sister is being stubborn and unwilling to help herself but because what she's doing to everyone around her.
Going back to protect my mom is not the answer. I did that for two months and I nearly killed my sister.
So... what am I going to do?
Tomorrow is mom's birthday. We're going to try to go out.