the mental states of a Brim.
As some of you may already know. Mental problems run in my family. I suspect they run in everyone's family to an extent. Primarily, we have clinical depression that can quickly progress into far worse situations. I don't always talk about how bad it can be and with my own situation I have multiple factors involved related to my mental health. Age 4 until I was 13, I was deathly afraid of school. Not afraid of other kids or bullies. No, I was afraid of teachers. I was verbally abused and told I was stupid and lazy. I was not a depressed child until I entered school. This was... terrible for me because I am a history nerd, I like science, I even like math. I like learning.
Recently, there have been some job openings in our local school systems. These jobs are teacher aides, reading aides, aides to help kids with learning problems. Basically, helping the kids I used to be.
I couldn't apply to any of them.
The mere thought I would be placed back into the system. As much as I know I can help these kids... I just can't work within that system again. I know what it would do to me. I am not in a good mental condition to deal with that. When I was in school I had to devote more time fighting with the school system than I did studying. I seriously had to fight every year. I had teachers that refused to accommodate anything under the guise of 'it's not fair to the other children.'
This aversion to working in the school system didn't become apparent to me until I saw those jobs. I need work but the moment I even think about applying to those... old panic responses start to rise up. That same feeling of trying to move a boulder with a toothpick. It would be a job that would go home with me and... I can't do that. Not again.
I... really wish I could. Maybe I will in the future but I just... can't do it. Even just writing this I started crying. Not all out balling but tears are running. I don't like this sudden realization that I'm still terrified of something I thought I put behind me.
Recently, there have been some job openings in our local school systems. These jobs are teacher aides, reading aides, aides to help kids with learning problems. Basically, helping the kids I used to be.
I couldn't apply to any of them.
The mere thought I would be placed back into the system. As much as I know I can help these kids... I just can't work within that system again. I know what it would do to me. I am not in a good mental condition to deal with that. When I was in school I had to devote more time fighting with the school system than I did studying. I seriously had to fight every year. I had teachers that refused to accommodate anything under the guise of 'it's not fair to the other children.'
This aversion to working in the school system didn't become apparent to me until I saw those jobs. I need work but the moment I even think about applying to those... old panic responses start to rise up. That same feeling of trying to move a boulder with a toothpick. It would be a job that would go home with me and... I can't do that. Not again.
I... really wish I could. Maybe I will in the future but I just... can't do it. Even just writing this I started crying. Not all out balling but tears are running. I don't like this sudden realization that I'm still terrified of something I thought I put behind me.