(no subject)

[brightair]

i am so sick of doctors appointments and not knowing and being afraid and feeling sick and taking pills and sitting on the phone, waiting waiting waiting, listening to the shitty shitty shitty hold music and hoping i can find a human in this, i am sick of my insurance being canceled, i am sick of emergency rooms, i am sick of traveling 250 miles every time i need to see a specialist, i am sick of specialists, sick of tests, sick of CT scans and x-rays and ultrasounds, i am sick of waiting for results, i am sick of being touched by people i do not know or trust, i am sick of my body under a paper gown, i am sick of bruises, of bloodwork, of shittily installed IVs and morphine drips, my arms purple in the way that looks suspect. i am sick of pain, i am sick of hurt, i am sick of feeling like this, i am so so so so sick of everything. the doctors say i need to relax, that the stress is making everything worse, but how can i relax when things are like this, it has been so long since the air has simply passed through my body, it is always on fire

i want to cancel everything.
all the appointments.
i want to stop taking the pills.
i want to just let my body go
do what it is supposed to do
instead of fighting it
all
the
time
it is exhausting.
emotionally draining.
at times it is heartbreaking.
i just want to let myself
slide,
ooze down
into a pile of
blood and bones
on the kitchen floor.

i am so sick of fighting this
i am so sick of trying to
figure it out
i am so sick of
being sick
i am ready to
let
myself
go
and be
whatever i am supposed to be
a body in the road or
where ever i am
supposed to go

i am drained
drained
drained
i am
going
down
the
drain