October 17 -- What you want + A Letter
Dear Diary,
All my life, every relationship I've had seemed utilitarian in nature.
It was never a question of loving me--Senkha--for simply being Senkha, but rather a question of what I could do for them. Could I be a good mage? Could I provide an escape? Could I bring in tips? Could I moan the way they wanted to hear? Could I kill someone without leaving a mess? Could I collect a dozen enemy skulls? Could I fight quickly and quietly and efficiently? Could I mend someone's body or mind? Could I make the dead feel? Could I fight for a cause? Could I distribute goods? Could I run a company? Could I sign paycheques?
I think Llew is the only one I ever knew for sure simply loved me for who I am and nothing more, not because I could give him anything but because I was his babygirl and he was my Llew.
Over time, I've come to accept that this is how relationships work: I provide things for someone and they love me for that. And for that reason, I start to worry when people won't let me do things for them. I worry that they're preparing to cut me out of their lives or tell me that I've outgrown my usefulness or something along those lines and then I'll lose them. It's happened before, though never with those exact words; it always happened in Theramore, and it's why Riley and I have become such strangers now. I can't give him anything, so I'm of little use to him.
I realized last night that, without thinking it through too much, I thought the same about Dad. He never lets me do a damn thing for him, and this frightens me... I worry that if I don't balance out the bad that's happened with something good for him, he'll leave again or forget me or not want anything to do with me. He finally snapped last night and said that all he wants from me is for me to live and be happy. That's it. And the saddest thing is that I don't even know how to do that. Living is difficult enough, though I've managed it without threat for almost a year now. Happiness... that's something else entirely. And I think I've no idea how to really be happy.
Dad didn't want me to give him pie. Not... I mean, not literal pie. Mind pie. He said that even just having a taste of being alive again would get him addicted to it, and it made me wonder...
I shouldn't wonder. I do know that Oliver loves me. I do know that he doesn't just love me for what I can do or what I'm capable of. I do know that I've probably made him worse-off by giving him tastes of life again. And I do know that once I'm gone, he'll likely go insane from losing it. But all that said, part of me still wonders if he'd love me less if I stopped giving him that gift, if we decided that bit of mental play was no longer something we wanted. I don't think that he would love me less, but it still nags at me.
Still. I think I should write a letter to Alm my mother and see about meeting her properly.
-S.
---
Dear A Mum,
I hope it's alright if I call you that. Dad said that I could and said that you wanted to be my mother. It's probably odd to you, then, that since you two had that conversation, I haven't gotten in touch with you. That's more from fear on my part... I don't know what Dad's told you about me, but my birth mother wasn't exactly a shining example of ideal motherhood. Quite the opposite: because I've little to no ability with the arcane, she essentially informed me that I'm worthless, and it's something that I still can't shake to this day.
But the odd thing is that you don't even know me, you don't know what I could or couldn't do for you, but you want to be my mother. It doesn't matter to you if I can't do magic or can't marry a nobleman. You want to be my mother simply because I am me, and this is something difficult for me to understand.
I'd like to know you better. What I know of you from Dad and Shepard paints you in a very flattering light, but... I'd just like to get to know you. Perhaps we can meet for dinner sometime?
Lo Affectionately,
Senkha
All my life, every relationship I've had seemed utilitarian in nature.
It was never a question of loving me--Senkha--for simply being Senkha, but rather a question of what I could do for them. Could I be a good mage? Could I provide an escape? Could I bring in tips? Could I moan the way they wanted to hear? Could I kill someone without leaving a mess? Could I collect a dozen enemy skulls? Could I fight quickly and quietly and efficiently? Could I mend someone's body or mind? Could I make the dead feel? Could I fight for a cause? Could I distribute goods? Could I run a company? Could I sign paycheques?
I think Llew is the only one I ever knew for sure simply loved me for who I am and nothing more, not because I could give him anything but because I was his babygirl and he was my Llew.
Over time, I've come to accept that this is how relationships work: I provide things for someone and they love me for that. And for that reason, I start to worry when people won't let me do things for them. I worry that they're preparing to cut me out of their lives or tell me that I've outgrown my usefulness or something along those lines and then I'll lose them. It's happened before, though never with those exact words; it always happened in Theramore, and it's why Riley and I have become such strangers now. I can't give him anything, so I'm of little use to him.
I realized last night that, without thinking it through too much, I thought the same about Dad. He never lets me do a damn thing for him, and this frightens me... I worry that if I don't balance out the bad that's happened with something good for him, he'll leave again or forget me or not want anything to do with me. He finally snapped last night and said that all he wants from me is for me to live and be happy. That's it. And the saddest thing is that I don't even know how to do that. Living is difficult enough, though I've managed it without threat for almost a year now. Happiness... that's something else entirely. And I think I've no idea how to really be happy.
Dad didn't want me to give him pie. Not... I mean, not literal pie. Mind pie. He said that even just having a taste of being alive again would get him addicted to it, and it made me wonder...
I shouldn't wonder. I do know that Oliver loves me. I do know that he doesn't just love me for what I can do or what I'm capable of. I do know that I've probably made him worse-off by giving him tastes of life again. And I do know that once I'm gone, he'll likely go insane from losing it. But all that said, part of me still wonders if he'd love me less if I stopped giving him that gift, if we decided that bit of mental play was no longer something we wanted. I don't think that he would love me less, but it still nags at me.
Still. I think I should write a letter to Alm my mother and see about meeting her properly.
-S.
---
Dear A Mum,
I hope it's alright if I call you that. Dad said that I could and said that you wanted to be my mother. It's probably odd to you, then, that since you two had that conversation, I haven't gotten in touch with you. That's more from fear on my part... I don't know what Dad's told you about me, but my birth mother wasn't exactly a shining example of ideal motherhood. Quite the opposite: because I've little to no ability with the arcane, she essentially informed me that I'm worthless, and it's something that I still can't shake to this day.
But the odd thing is that you don't even know me, you don't know what I could or couldn't do for you, but you want to be my mother. It doesn't matter to you if I can't do magic or can't marry a nobleman. You want to be my mother simply because I am me, and this is something difficult for me to understand.
I'd like to know you better. What I know of you from Dad and Shepard paints you in a very flattering light, but... I'd just like to get to know you. Perhaps we can meet for dinner sometime?
Lo Affectionately,
Senkha