October 6 -- A little more of not enough.
Dear Diary,
Light, I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I shouldn't even talk about last night, but I also feel as though I must, and so I will. Eventually.
First, though: Ziichi, who can be broken into three topics in and of herself, those being what she's asked of me, what we said about Marius, and what we said about ourselves.
To the first.
Ziichi called me to the Quel'Talan several days ago to ask a favor of me; specifically, she asked me if it's possible to remove or tamper with someone's memories. Even as we've spoken of it, I don't think she completely realizes what a horrible thing that is. She wants it done to save someone's life, but the idea of it still makes me sick to my stomach. All I can think of is what happened to Llew, what happened because of what was done to Patrick Morgan. Nothing good ever comes of tampering with memories. Still, she says it's to save a life, and I told her that if everyone involved would agree to it, I would do what I could. I just... nngh. I don't feel settled about it, but I'm not sure what to do. If it will save lives, I'm not sure what choice I really have, but I think it might simply be easier to bind such dangerous memories until the threat has passed, as all threats eventually do.
I need to read up on this in Viramata. Light, I haven't touched that book in ages, likely because I've gone back to being afraid of myself. It's one thing to perform such acts on Oliver or Marius, both of whom already know me better than I know myself. It's another thing entirely to be called upon to do such things with strangers. Since returning from Silithus, I've known that I'm stronger and more capable than before, but it still worries me. Has control come with that strength or am I simply and still just powerful with no restraint? And how is it that I've such a knack for this, but everyone else in the world is able to do it with far more ease?
It's now that I find myself missing Marius more than ever, which is the second topic of conversation. Ziichi and I spoke of him, and from what I gather from her, he's very nearly suicidal if not actively trying to kill himself. I can't judge or say I don't understand, because I do... I don't think I'd be able to cope very well if I lost Oliver that way, even without real dependence on him. I just... nngh. I wish I could go up there and be with Marius and tell him that if he jumps, I'll jump or something. I want him to know that he's not alone, that I understand. I want to help him, because so many people see him as a celebrity or someone to fix their problems, but he's not any of that to me. He's my teacher and my dear dear friend. In honesty, all I want from him is a chance to sit and talk as we used to, not for any reason beyond that I miss his company.
I think... I don't know. I don't think heartbreak is fixable, but I feel like I should be able to do more than I am doing. Like I should be able to help Marius. I just don't know how.
And the third. Ziichi and I speaking of ourselves. We realized, both of us, that we've both been incredibly idiotic in that we both feared the other's wrath for no apparent reason. I was afraid she would hate me for the tatters of Dizzy and my relationship; she was afraid that I was constantly judging her for her poor decisions. The girl frightens me, in that I think she's volatile, but I certainly can't judge her for that. I'm there as well. So we exchanged apologies and laughed and I'm coming to realize that everything I've feared these last several months is more likely than not a nightmare.
Moving on, from nightmares to a strange reality...
Oliver and I managed a body swap again last night, allowing Oliver to enjoy the pleasures of being alive for a few hours while I kept his body from... well. From sitting around and growing mold. He had a wonderful time, and I actually got Gatha to prance for me, like a show pony. It was...
Nngh. It wasn't the best experience for me. I hate that Oliver goes through this hell all the time. I hate that he'd rather live in someone else's body than live in his own. I hate that the second I took over, all I could think about was murdering myself and that all I could do was leave the house and go and fight demons for hours on end. I hate how good each death felt, and I hate that even though Angravar was sated, Oliver still charged off to refeed it when we'd switched back because it hurt him so much to be dead again. I hate that he's dead to begin with.
While he was in my body, Oliver came across Riley. Why is it that every encounter with that man hurts me like nothing else? He tells me always to stop clinging to the past, which he assumes I do because I call him by his actual name and not the moniker he created for himself. I'm not clinging to the past. I've accepted that it happened and have stopped trying to pretend that I'm anything but what my past made me. I think it hurts more, though, that Riley doesn't even see anything redeemable in the past that we shared. I mean, I'm not in love with him any longer or anything, but there's something to be said about seeing the good in the past.
...hrm. I feel like I should be happy, but I'm... well. Not.
-S.
Light, I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I shouldn't even talk about last night, but I also feel as though I must, and so I will. Eventually.
First, though: Ziichi, who can be broken into three topics in and of herself, those being what she's asked of me, what we said about Marius, and what we said about ourselves.
To the first.
Ziichi called me to the Quel'Talan several days ago to ask a favor of me; specifically, she asked me if it's possible to remove or tamper with someone's memories. Even as we've spoken of it, I don't think she completely realizes what a horrible thing that is. She wants it done to save someone's life, but the idea of it still makes me sick to my stomach. All I can think of is what happened to Llew, what happened because of what was done to Patrick Morgan. Nothing good ever comes of tampering with memories. Still, she says it's to save a life, and I told her that if everyone involved would agree to it, I would do what I could. I just... nngh. I don't feel settled about it, but I'm not sure what to do. If it will save lives, I'm not sure what choice I really have, but I think it might simply be easier to bind such dangerous memories until the threat has passed, as all threats eventually do.
I need to read up on this in Viramata. Light, I haven't touched that book in ages, likely because I've gone back to being afraid of myself. It's one thing to perform such acts on Oliver or Marius, both of whom already know me better than I know myself. It's another thing entirely to be called upon to do such things with strangers. Since returning from Silithus, I've known that I'm stronger and more capable than before, but it still worries me. Has control come with that strength or am I simply and still just powerful with no restraint? And how is it that I've such a knack for this, but everyone else in the world is able to do it with far more ease?
It's now that I find myself missing Marius more than ever, which is the second topic of conversation. Ziichi and I spoke of him, and from what I gather from her, he's very nearly suicidal if not actively trying to kill himself. I can't judge or say I don't understand, because I do... I don't think I'd be able to cope very well if I lost Oliver that way, even without real dependence on him. I just... nngh. I wish I could go up there and be with Marius and tell him that if he jumps, I'll jump or something. I want him to know that he's not alone, that I understand. I want to help him, because so many people see him as a celebrity or someone to fix their problems, but he's not any of that to me. He's my teacher and my dear dear friend. In honesty, all I want from him is a chance to sit and talk as we used to, not for any reason beyond that I miss his company.
I think... I don't know. I don't think heartbreak is fixable, but I feel like I should be able to do more than I am doing. Like I should be able to help Marius. I just don't know how.
And the third. Ziichi and I speaking of ourselves. We realized, both of us, that we've both been incredibly idiotic in that we both feared the other's wrath for no apparent reason. I was afraid she would hate me for the tatters of Dizzy and my relationship; she was afraid that I was constantly judging her for her poor decisions. The girl frightens me, in that I think she's volatile, but I certainly can't judge her for that. I'm there as well. So we exchanged apologies and laughed and I'm coming to realize that everything I've feared these last several months is more likely than not a nightmare.
Moving on, from nightmares to a strange reality...
Oliver and I managed a body swap again last night, allowing Oliver to enjoy the pleasures of being alive for a few hours while I kept his body from... well. From sitting around and growing mold. He had a wonderful time, and I actually got Gatha to prance for me, like a show pony. It was...
Nngh. It wasn't the best experience for me. I hate that Oliver goes through this hell all the time. I hate that he'd rather live in someone else's body than live in his own. I hate that the second I took over, all I could think about was murdering myself and that all I could do was leave the house and go and fight demons for hours on end. I hate how good each death felt, and I hate that even though Angravar was sated, Oliver still charged off to refeed it when we'd switched back because it hurt him so much to be dead again. I hate that he's dead to begin with.
While he was in my body, Oliver came across Riley. Why is it that every encounter with that man hurts me like nothing else? He tells me always to stop clinging to the past, which he assumes I do because I call him by his actual name and not the moniker he created for himself. I'm not clinging to the past. I've accepted that it happened and have stopped trying to pretend that I'm anything but what my past made me. I think it hurts more, though, that Riley doesn't even see anything redeemable in the past that we shared. I mean, I'm not in love with him any longer or anything, but there's something to be said about seeing the good in the past.
...hrm. I feel like I should be happy, but I'm... well. Not.
-S.