October 4 -- Madness of the heart

[branetalking]

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Dear Diary,

Am I insane

That's a stupid question. I know full well that I'm insane. But I wonder if I'm insane independently of Oliver of it he brings out the madness and wickedness in me. And is it really wickedness, at the end of the day? I know it's madness. That much is a given. But is it wicked?

Once upon a time, more than a year ago, Oliver and I went to Grizzly Hills for a few days. It was right around the time we first started to have our mental bond, so we were experimenting with things--what were the limits, where was the line that we couldn't cross, that sort of thing. We pushed at the line until somehow, we managed to swap bodies. It was incredibly brief back then because it was unintentional, but since then, I've wondered if we could do it again. If we could, Oliver would be able to experience the joys of life through me. Hell, sometimes I wonder why he doesn't piggyback on me more often, the way that I piggybacked on him those few times. It's not like I wouldn't allow and welcome it.

Last night, I brought up the idea to him and he thought it was a good one, though he wondered if I was really willing to spend that time in his body while he enjoyed life in mine. In truth, the transition was jarring. I kept forgetting that I didn't have to breathe and I kept forgetting that he couldn't feel. Worse, I found that the instant I took hold of his body, all I could think of was killing my own. Light, I just wanted so badly to see what a dappled picture I could make with my own blood, and it was horrifying. Horrifying to know exactly how close I tread to such a violent death every day.

I wonder if Dad thinks about that when he looks at me, too. He must.

For Oliver, it was nothing short of a miracle. He was sobbing--I was sobbing (Light, this is confusing to think about, to write about. Who were we last night?). And it was enough... it was enough to convince me that regardless of how difficult it will be for me, I'm going to go through with it. For several hours on Wednesday, I'll let Oliver take control of my body and I'll have control of his. Light-willing, it won't be too hard and I can just... hide in a closet the whole time or something. Not because I'm ashamed, really, but because Oliver has had nearly three years to get used to wanting to kill everything everywhere forever. I haven't. I'm terrified that I'll give in to that impulse and then Light knows what will happen after that.

Somewhat related. Oliver told me that his first experience with positive mental illusions was well before I knew him, and what's more, that Dad was the first volunteer for that particular experience. Apparently, some priestess gave them both mental pie, and now I'm slightly bitter and need to find my father. He never lets me do anything to his mind, not even wonderful things like... like pie.

I just wish I could make life okay for them, you know? I wish it was that simple. But it never is.

-S.