I need help. I'm scared.(*TRIGGER*/bad space)
But I know there isn't any. I don't know what to do. I'm really scared. (This is Brandon, by the way.)
I don't even know where to start with what's wrong. EVERYTHING is wrong. This is not my home! This is not my body! I'm not 47 - I'm 14! It's too hard, going around pretending to be 47! Elijah's scaring the FUCK out of me, talking about how there are people he'd like to kill, and he's not kidding.....Freddie thinks we're going to hell unless we go back to doing the Christian thing. I don't know whether to think there's a God or not, if there is I CERTAINLY hope it's not that one in the Bible because he's mean! I could live with a Jesus, in fact it I like the idea of him being for real. He was nice. But none of us, not even Freddie could live up to all that stuff that it takes to follow him. Because the person who used to be our mom is a monster now, the woman who was our mother at one time doesn't even exist any more.....and we can't be a good Christian and abandon our own mother. But we can't stand to be around her, talk to her.....even think about her very much.
And then there's Rusty. We used to think he loved us. Now, we hate him on so many levels. We don't trust him.
My words are getting all bottled up, I can't even write....
I just want my mom, but I don't have one. I want to go home, and this isn't my home. In the old house, I felt safe with Russell and Brittany there. They never knew it was me who was out, they never knew about me being younger than them.....and Russell just makes me feel safe.
I wish I had a real mom, and she would put her arms around me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be all right.
I feel like such a baby. I wish I was brave. But I'm not.
Forest is brave.....why doesn't he come out any more ?
Elijah is scaring me. He's obsessed with being ready to go back to work, in case we have to, in case things get weird with Rusty again....
what I think is, what if it really is true that we ARE disabled ? What if our best option is life IS to stay with Rusty ?
He's being nicer these days....but he's been nice before.
We never tell him who's out any more. We all pretend to be Stef. We've thought and thought about lying to him, and to everybody else in our face to face life, and saying we're not multiple any more, that we've integrated. Because, what if we get a chance for a job or for another relationship, and then we can't have that because of our multiplicity ?
A couple of weeks ago, Stef actually did think we existed only inside now, that we didn't come out any more now that she was in school. But then there was a thing on TV about this couple with ten kids, and they took all ten kids to the dentist.....and that really tripped me out,
thinking about dentists again. (I hate myself for being such a.....well, I won't use the word I was thinking. Such a wuss. I'm too old for that.)
I wish I could just TELL someone that I'm here and I want somebody to hug me and I want somebody to talk to that will just listen to me. I wish I could tell somebody how lonely I am. I don't feel comfortable around most women in their forties! We don't have anything to talk about, and they just think I'm weird!
If I was in my own body, there wouldn't be anything weird about me other than being such a coward around dentists and doctors. But in this body, in this life, all of a sudden I'm weird, even though I'm exactly the same person. It's so hard to pretend to be Stef all the time, I'd rather just be left alone, if it wasn't for getting so lonely.
Nobody just listens. And nobody has any hugs that are for free.
Yeah, I know, that's self-pitying. Tough. Tough shit. I get to have my feelings.
This is going to sound wrong, too....but it all seems to come back to Rusty. I feel like if we could trust the relationship with him, we could relax. But, we know we can't trust him.
No, it's not all his fault. We know our part(s) in it. But.....to just clean up our side of the street, and then 'trust our Higher Power'.....the truth is, we don't trust our Higher Power. Now Freddie's really scared because I wrote that, and I feel guilty too, because we have a lot to be grateful for. But then, every so often it all goes to pieces, and I'm supposed to be all serene about it but I'm not!
I wish I had somebody here that I could reveal myself to tonight. But I'm sure not going to trust Rusty with anything!
I don't know. I don't know what to do. It's so lonely here, and it's so lonely just being around middle aged people that I have NOTHING in common with....people don't think this is real, but it IS.
If anybody's reading this and you feel like chewing my ass out right now, please don't. I really do need a break. I know, I'm not supposed to need a break. But I do. I need to be able to write this stuff. I need to be able to either tell somebody and not get chewed out about it, or at least write it down and sort it out myself. Or let one of the others sort it out. Something. I need something. I'm lost, and I'm hidden. I walk by a lot of people on days when I go out of the house - but nobody sees me.
I don't even know where to start with what's wrong. EVERYTHING is wrong. This is not my home! This is not my body! I'm not 47 - I'm 14! It's too hard, going around pretending to be 47! Elijah's scaring the FUCK out of me, talking about how there are people he'd like to kill, and he's not kidding.....Freddie thinks we're going to hell unless we go back to doing the Christian thing. I don't know whether to think there's a God or not, if there is I CERTAINLY hope it's not that one in the Bible because he's mean! I could live with a Jesus, in fact it I like the idea of him being for real. He was nice. But none of us, not even Freddie could live up to all that stuff that it takes to follow him. Because the person who used to be our mom is a monster now, the woman who was our mother at one time doesn't even exist any more.....and we can't be a good Christian and abandon our own mother. But we can't stand to be around her, talk to her.....even think about her very much.
And then there's Rusty. We used to think he loved us. Now, we hate him on so many levels. We don't trust him.
My words are getting all bottled up, I can't even write....
I just want my mom, but I don't have one. I want to go home, and this isn't my home. In the old house, I felt safe with Russell and Brittany there. They never knew it was me who was out, they never knew about me being younger than them.....and Russell just makes me feel safe.
I wish I had a real mom, and she would put her arms around me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be all right.
I feel like such a baby. I wish I was brave. But I'm not.
Forest is brave.....why doesn't he come out any more ?
Elijah is scaring me. He's obsessed with being ready to go back to work, in case we have to, in case things get weird with Rusty again....
what I think is, what if it really is true that we ARE disabled ? What if our best option is life IS to stay with Rusty ?
He's being nicer these days....but he's been nice before.
We never tell him who's out any more. We all pretend to be Stef. We've thought and thought about lying to him, and to everybody else in our face to face life, and saying we're not multiple any more, that we've integrated. Because, what if we get a chance for a job or for another relationship, and then we can't have that because of our multiplicity ?
A couple of weeks ago, Stef actually did think we existed only inside now, that we didn't come out any more now that she was in school. But then there was a thing on TV about this couple with ten kids, and they took all ten kids to the dentist.....and that really tripped me out,
thinking about dentists again. (I hate myself for being such a.....well, I won't use the word I was thinking. Such a wuss. I'm too old for that.)
I wish I could just TELL someone that I'm here and I want somebody to hug me and I want somebody to talk to that will just listen to me. I wish I could tell somebody how lonely I am. I don't feel comfortable around most women in their forties! We don't have anything to talk about, and they just think I'm weird!
If I was in my own body, there wouldn't be anything weird about me other than being such a coward around dentists and doctors. But in this body, in this life, all of a sudden I'm weird, even though I'm exactly the same person. It's so hard to pretend to be Stef all the time, I'd rather just be left alone, if it wasn't for getting so lonely.
Nobody just listens. And nobody has any hugs that are for free.
Yeah, I know, that's self-pitying. Tough. Tough shit. I get to have my feelings.
This is going to sound wrong, too....but it all seems to come back to Rusty. I feel like if we could trust the relationship with him, we could relax. But, we know we can't trust him.
No, it's not all his fault. We know our part(s) in it. But.....to just clean up our side of the street, and then 'trust our Higher Power'.....the truth is, we don't trust our Higher Power. Now Freddie's really scared because I wrote that, and I feel guilty too, because we have a lot to be grateful for. But then, every so often it all goes to pieces, and I'm supposed to be all serene about it but I'm not!
I wish I had somebody here that I could reveal myself to tonight. But I'm sure not going to trust Rusty with anything!
I don't know. I don't know what to do. It's so lonely here, and it's so lonely just being around middle aged people that I have NOTHING in common with....people don't think this is real, but it IS.
If anybody's reading this and you feel like chewing my ass out right now, please don't. I really do need a break. I know, I'm not supposed to need a break. But I do. I need to be able to write this stuff. I need to be able to either tell somebody and not get chewed out about it, or at least write it down and sort it out myself. Or let one of the others sort it out. Something. I need something. I'm lost, and I'm hidden. I walk by a lot of people on days when I go out of the house - but nobody sees me.