Tuesday. (TRIGGER: Paranoia, disability, mental illness, other)
I went back to school for all the wrong reasons, and I've bitten off more than I can chew at this point. (This is Stef, but all the fronters are aware I'm writing this.)
These past few days have been especially hard for Lige, as well as myself. We've had to look at *really* having a disability, *really* having PTSD, *really* having paranoia, and quite possibly *really* being bipolar as well. Also, we've had to look at the possibility that this stuff is never going to go away.
At the same time, every one of us has had to look at what we're left to work with now as far as our physical body, at the age of almost 48, and after a great deal of trauma and a dreat deal of very damaging overmedication. Most of us have trouble dealing with our appearance. Alex and Forest (especially Forest) have trouble dealing with our physical limitations, as far as being fit and able to fight. (A manifestation of paranoia, I know....but to us it's very real and very important.)
To add to that, one thing we've learned over time, is that Rusty simply does not have it in him to understand these things. To him, if we can get up and get dressed, we should be able to work or go to school like everybody else. (Al Anon issue here, we need to let this be his stuff and not ours.) All the years we've spent together, make no difference in this area. This is just part of his makeup. To him, a person is either fully capable, or an invalid. If someone can't work due to mental illness, that someone becomes less of a person, period.
Or, that's how it seems to us, and has seemed for a very long time.
Anyway. School. We're back in a class now, but it's not a college class, it's another Adult Basic Education math class. (Because we really do need the math.) It's not a for-credit class, so we skip it as often as not, and just do the homework on the computer. (Which actually *is* very helpful as far as learning it.....the repetition.)
We're thinking of trying for our CNA license, *just in case* something happens to our SSI and we have to support ourselves. (Mostly Lige's influence there. He simply can not get okay with having no Plan B. He's never trusted anyone else, including the government or our husband, to support us if it comes down to it. I don't think he ever will.)
Twelve-step issuse here. (TRIGGER - CHILD ABUSE, MENTALLY ILL PARENT, RELIGION.)
We've been asked if we can't simply trust in our Higher Power to care for us. And the answer, to a certain extent, is no. Our Higher Power has kept us alive.....but has not kept us from abuse and misery, not even in childhood. So, we trust our Higher Power to keep us alive until we die - but we feel like avoiding misery and abuse and deprivation, is on us.
Our parents (partly due to our mother being bipolar and paranoid) abused us and neglected us, including some pretty severe medical neglect. In our marriage, Rusty has deprived us of some basic human needs, and also abused us. And the mental health system, we don't even want to go there....
So, yeah. We've learned waht we've learned, and where we're at right now is where we're at right now.
We do *not* believe that this was our Higher Power's specific will for us; that our Higher Power chose this for us. (Or for Rusty or our parents or our kids, for that matter.) This creates a rift between us and many people in AA and Al Anon locally.....some popular local sayings are around God having a plan. Well, we don't believe God (whoever or wahtever God is) planned for horrible things to happen to specific indivuals. To us, it's obvious that God *allows* these things to happen, the possibility is there.....but the specific things happen rather randomly, and no one is immune.
That's what we have to believe, at this point. Otherwise we couldn't do this.
Anyway, that's all getting pretty deep, and I need to get dressed and see if I can catch part of class today.
These past few days have been especially hard for Lige, as well as myself. We've had to look at *really* having a disability, *really* having PTSD, *really* having paranoia, and quite possibly *really* being bipolar as well. Also, we've had to look at the possibility that this stuff is never going to go away.
At the same time, every one of us has had to look at what we're left to work with now as far as our physical body, at the age of almost 48, and after a great deal of trauma and a dreat deal of very damaging overmedication. Most of us have trouble dealing with our appearance. Alex and Forest (especially Forest) have trouble dealing with our physical limitations, as far as being fit and able to fight. (A manifestation of paranoia, I know....but to us it's very real and very important.)
To add to that, one thing we've learned over time, is that Rusty simply does not have it in him to understand these things. To him, if we can get up and get dressed, we should be able to work or go to school like everybody else. (Al Anon issue here, we need to let this be his stuff and not ours.) All the years we've spent together, make no difference in this area. This is just part of his makeup. To him, a person is either fully capable, or an invalid. If someone can't work due to mental illness, that someone becomes less of a person, period.
Or, that's how it seems to us, and has seemed for a very long time.
Anyway. School. We're back in a class now, but it's not a college class, it's another Adult Basic Education math class. (Because we really do need the math.) It's not a for-credit class, so we skip it as often as not, and just do the homework on the computer. (Which actually *is* very helpful as far as learning it.....the repetition.)
We're thinking of trying for our CNA license, *just in case* something happens to our SSI and we have to support ourselves. (Mostly Lige's influence there. He simply can not get okay with having no Plan B. He's never trusted anyone else, including the government or our husband, to support us if it comes down to it. I don't think he ever will.)
Twelve-step issuse here. (TRIGGER - CHILD ABUSE, MENTALLY ILL PARENT, RELIGION.)
We've been asked if we can't simply trust in our Higher Power to care for us. And the answer, to a certain extent, is no. Our Higher Power has kept us alive.....but has not kept us from abuse and misery, not even in childhood. So, we trust our Higher Power to keep us alive until we die - but we feel like avoiding misery and abuse and deprivation, is on us.
Our parents (partly due to our mother being bipolar and paranoid) abused us and neglected us, including some pretty severe medical neglect. In our marriage, Rusty has deprived us of some basic human needs, and also abused us. And the mental health system, we don't even want to go there....
So, yeah. We've learned waht we've learned, and where we're at right now is where we're at right now.
We do *not* believe that this was our Higher Power's specific will for us; that our Higher Power chose this for us. (Or for Rusty or our parents or our kids, for that matter.) This creates a rift between us and many people in AA and Al Anon locally.....some popular local sayings are around God having a plan. Well, we don't believe God (whoever or wahtever God is) planned for horrible things to happen to specific indivuals. To us, it's obvious that God *allows* these things to happen, the possibility is there.....but the specific things happen rather randomly, and no one is immune.
That's what we have to believe, at this point. Otherwise we couldn't do this.
Anyway, that's all getting pretty deep, and I need to get dressed and see if I can catch part of class today.