Relearning how to breath
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
I feel like I'm doing absolutely everything I possibly can to just get by...
I'm trying to excel, I'm trying to let myself breath, but not give myself too much time to think. I'm trying to get out there, do things I wouldn't normally, take chances and enjoy things.
If feels like I'm just going through the motions of healing but not actually improving on anything.
I have to keep reminding myself it's over. I mean, I know it's over. It's a nauseating pain I can't seem to ignore... but I haven't reached the point yet where I'm able to envision my future without him.
I keep trying to tell myself that I've got great things ahead of me. I'm aching to find the motivation to really believe that I'm going to be successful, and that it just has to be enough for me. I've got to come to terms with the reality that... I may very well do this completely alone. That I'll likely come out of all this success- alone. I've got to reach a point where I'm ok with that. From way down here, it seems impossible but.... it's the only way I'm going to be able to get through the next 5 years.
Most likely, I'm crossing that finish line alone. That has to be enough for me or else I won't be able to keep on going.
There were a few days where I didn't cry and I was hoping that meant improvement or that healing really had begun. My mistake.
My new year's resolution this year is to work on achieving balance....
a balance between school and my personal life
between studying and down time and socializing...
Last quarter ate me alive. I didn't make necessary time for all those things, thinking I had to focus on school completely.
While school really is important and is ultimately why I'm here, if I'm not emotionally and personally content I can't actually give my best at school, to those around me, or to myself.
I don't have much control over my emotional well being currently, but I'm doing my best to try my hardest with school, but to also know my limits and allow myself time to relax and get to know my classmates, meet new people and try new things. I just keep hoping my emotional state will do its best to catch up eventually.
I'm attempting to gather what is left of my dignity and continue on the path I've set out for myself. Just proving difficult when I've broken into so many tiny pieces.
I've got my work cut out for me.
I feel like I'm doing absolutely everything I possibly can to just get by...
I'm trying to excel, I'm trying to let myself breath, but not give myself too much time to think. I'm trying to get out there, do things I wouldn't normally, take chances and enjoy things.
If feels like I'm just going through the motions of healing but not actually improving on anything.
I have to keep reminding myself it's over. I mean, I know it's over. It's a nauseating pain I can't seem to ignore... but I haven't reached the point yet where I'm able to envision my future without him.
I keep trying to tell myself that I've got great things ahead of me. I'm aching to find the motivation to really believe that I'm going to be successful, and that it just has to be enough for me. I've got to come to terms with the reality that... I may very well do this completely alone. That I'll likely come out of all this success- alone. I've got to reach a point where I'm ok with that. From way down here, it seems impossible but.... it's the only way I'm going to be able to get through the next 5 years.
Most likely, I'm crossing that finish line alone. That has to be enough for me or else I won't be able to keep on going.
There were a few days where I didn't cry and I was hoping that meant improvement or that healing really had begun. My mistake.
My new year's resolution this year is to work on achieving balance....
a balance between school and my personal life
between studying and down time and socializing...
Last quarter ate me alive. I didn't make necessary time for all those things, thinking I had to focus on school completely.
While school really is important and is ultimately why I'm here, if I'm not emotionally and personally content I can't actually give my best at school, to those around me, or to myself.
I don't have much control over my emotional well being currently, but I'm doing my best to try my hardest with school, but to also know my limits and allow myself time to relax and get to know my classmates, meet new people and try new things. I just keep hoping my emotional state will do its best to catch up eventually.
I'm attempting to gather what is left of my dignity and continue on the path I've set out for myself. Just proving difficult when I've broken into so many tiny pieces.
I've got my work cut out for me.