Reality is killing me
Winter quarter began on Monday.
I'm back in California with the realization that it wasn't just all a bad dream.
That this is now my life.... here, going at it all alone.
It's not like I didn't know that before... but denial is a powerful drug I was happy to be hooked on.
While on break, I ignored all thoughts of school and reality that I will actually be here, on my own from here on out.
I knew it was coming, I knew I'd have to face it... to really truly feel it...
But the pain from losing him and having to experience daily reminders of what we had and what we'd planned for and then getting the punch to the gut finding out he is back with his ex... topped with run ins with him it was all just too much to handle that I couldn't even begin to think about the bigger picture.
I honestly don't know how I'm even getting through each day. I can't concentrate to save my life and I still can't seem to eat. I've now lost 18 lbs... or at least that's what it was at on Sunday. I'm trying to force nutrients into me because my mind can't function in school with nothing to fuel it. I can't get to sleep at night and if I lay there and try to make myself, I just end up crying. I can't get myself out of bed in the mornings... it is literally, almost physically impossible to make myself rise up out of bed. Each day I tell myself that, "tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I'll wake up earlier, I'll get things done, I'll conjure up motivation" and then morning comes and I continuously fall back asleep until I absolutely have to get out of bed.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
I hate knowing he's enjoying everyday while I'm left feeling completely broken. I hate that I can't hate him... that no matter how much I want to resent him for how I feel.. I don't at all. People say "well now you can really move on, you can really forget him because someone better is out there"...
I'm never going to be able to move on... no matter how much I tell myself that's what I want, I know myself and I know that although I may date others and try to replace the dreams of my future with another warm body, that in the back of my mind I'll still be replacing the man standing at the end of the isle waiting for me with him. I've done it for years and I know this time will be no different. Even though he's told me that he's moved on and told me that she makes him happy and that I didn't... I can't let go.
I feel like I've become a pathetic broken mess of who I used to be, but actually... I feel like I'm the same person I've always been... just completely defeated, exposed and vulnerable. People around me don't even know how to handle me anymore, and I don't blame them. I don't even know how to handle myself.
I always said before that I couldn't live without him, but that I could survive without him.
I don't know if I can classify my existence lately as even surviving.
I realize the choice isn't up to me. I have no other choice but to figure out how to survive... I just don't know how to do that yet...
I'm back in California with the realization that it wasn't just all a bad dream.
That this is now my life.... here, going at it all alone.
It's not like I didn't know that before... but denial is a powerful drug I was happy to be hooked on.
While on break, I ignored all thoughts of school and reality that I will actually be here, on my own from here on out.
I knew it was coming, I knew I'd have to face it... to really truly feel it...
But the pain from losing him and having to experience daily reminders of what we had and what we'd planned for and then getting the punch to the gut finding out he is back with his ex... topped with run ins with him it was all just too much to handle that I couldn't even begin to think about the bigger picture.
I honestly don't know how I'm even getting through each day. I can't concentrate to save my life and I still can't seem to eat. I've now lost 18 lbs... or at least that's what it was at on Sunday. I'm trying to force nutrients into me because my mind can't function in school with nothing to fuel it. I can't get to sleep at night and if I lay there and try to make myself, I just end up crying. I can't get myself out of bed in the mornings... it is literally, almost physically impossible to make myself rise up out of bed. Each day I tell myself that, "tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I'll wake up earlier, I'll get things done, I'll conjure up motivation" and then morning comes and I continuously fall back asleep until I absolutely have to get out of bed.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
I hate knowing he's enjoying everyday while I'm left feeling completely broken. I hate that I can't hate him... that no matter how much I want to resent him for how I feel.. I don't at all. People say "well now you can really move on, you can really forget him because someone better is out there"...
I'm never going to be able to move on... no matter how much I tell myself that's what I want, I know myself and I know that although I may date others and try to replace the dreams of my future with another warm body, that in the back of my mind I'll still be replacing the man standing at the end of the isle waiting for me with him. I've done it for years and I know this time will be no different. Even though he's told me that he's moved on and told me that she makes him happy and that I didn't... I can't let go.
I feel like I've become a pathetic broken mess of who I used to be, but actually... I feel like I'm the same person I've always been... just completely defeated, exposed and vulnerable. People around me don't even know how to handle me anymore, and I don't blame them. I don't even know how to handle myself.
I always said before that I couldn't live without him, but that I could survive without him.
I don't know if I can classify my existence lately as even surviving.
I realize the choice isn't up to me. I have no other choice but to figure out how to survive... I just don't know how to do that yet...