Grades and Spades
Got my grades in the mail today.
I was hoping I'd feel better about everything after I got my grades.
Was hoping it'd make it all feel worth it, or something.
But it doesn't. at all.
My grades are fine. I passed all my classes and I guess that is all I can ask of myself...
I know a good amount of people in my program that got better grades than me, and that makes me feel worse. I know it's not a competition... but I just expected more from myself.
For how much grad school killed me, and how much effort I put in to it and how much I sacrificed.. I just expected more from myself.
The class I actually tried the hardest in... I got the worst grade in. That is probably the most discouraging part... Although I know my grade dropped because of the final, and I definitely wasn't in the right mind set finals week, dealing with everything with him... so I guess all things considered, I can't really blame myself for doing so poorly. I wasn't in the right mind set to do anything, let alone take finals.
I still can't seem to eat. I'm now down 13 lbs. I haven't eaten an actual meal of sorts since Monday.
I try. I had a few crackers yesterday, but that is the extent of it. I also slept from 8pm last night until noon today. I kept waking up but I'd just make myself go back to sleep. I didn't want to ever have to wake up...it's just easier than having to be conscious and having to feel.
When does it get better? When will it stop hurting so damn bad? I want to be able to eat again, I want to be able to enjoy....anything.
I was hoping I'd feel better about everything after I got my grades.
Was hoping it'd make it all feel worth it, or something.
But it doesn't. at all.
My grades are fine. I passed all my classes and I guess that is all I can ask of myself...
I know a good amount of people in my program that got better grades than me, and that makes me feel worse. I know it's not a competition... but I just expected more from myself.
For how much grad school killed me, and how much effort I put in to it and how much I sacrificed.. I just expected more from myself.
The class I actually tried the hardest in... I got the worst grade in. That is probably the most discouraging part... Although I know my grade dropped because of the final, and I definitely wasn't in the right mind set finals week, dealing with everything with him... so I guess all things considered, I can't really blame myself for doing so poorly. I wasn't in the right mind set to do anything, let alone take finals.
I still can't seem to eat. I'm now down 13 lbs. I haven't eaten an actual meal of sorts since Monday.
I try. I had a few crackers yesterday, but that is the extent of it. I also slept from 8pm last night until noon today. I kept waking up but I'd just make myself go back to sleep. I didn't want to ever have to wake up...it's just easier than having to be conscious and having to feel.
When does it get better? When will it stop hurting so damn bad? I want to be able to eat again, I want to be able to enjoy....anything.