So broken
I've been avoiding everything. Facebook, email, anything related to school, Christmas, certain parts of town, radio stations... any and everything that could trigger a memory, a thought, anything involving him.
I've found it is completely impossible.
Haven't been able to go a day without crying. I've lost 10 lbs because I can't eat, even though I try. I wake up every day feeling sick to my stomach. I'm an absolute mess.
I try to sleep as much as I can, but my body never lets me sleep past 10:30, and even then... my dreams don't let me escape the pain.
We had all these plans, for over break. All these holiday silly fun couple things were were going to do. I've never been anti Christmas anything...but it all just hurts too much to even think about.
I really thought I was going to marry him.
I honestly thought I'd be "Mrs. Baker" within the next few years and be able to call him my husband.
I hear the songs we said we'd play at our wedding, or attend the family events we said we'd go to together and it just kills me.
I'm starting to rethink grad school. I know it's what I need to do, in order to get where I want to be....but what good is it, to make it to that finish line, if you're alone when you get there? Everything worth having takes sacrifices and I know nothing comes easy... but is losing the love of my life worth having my dream job?
I know grad school didn't make him leave, but the amount of stress it caused me, forced me into survival mode and caused me to act in ways I'm ashamed of and make choices I'm not proud of.
I left Vancouver in September thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world: I had the man of my dreams and was on the road to obtaining the career of my dreams.
I've returned completely broken and alone.
I know that I could be happy in life doing anything as long as I had him by my side, that I am sure of.
What I'm much less sure of...is whether or not I can be happy with my life in a career I love, without him to share it with.
Where do I go from here?
I've found it is completely impossible.
Haven't been able to go a day without crying. I've lost 10 lbs because I can't eat, even though I try. I wake up every day feeling sick to my stomach. I'm an absolute mess.
I try to sleep as much as I can, but my body never lets me sleep past 10:30, and even then... my dreams don't let me escape the pain.
We had all these plans, for over break. All these holiday silly fun couple things were were going to do. I've never been anti Christmas anything...but it all just hurts too much to even think about.
I really thought I was going to marry him.
I honestly thought I'd be "Mrs. Baker" within the next few years and be able to call him my husband.
I hear the songs we said we'd play at our wedding, or attend the family events we said we'd go to together and it just kills me.
I'm starting to rethink grad school. I know it's what I need to do, in order to get where I want to be....but what good is it, to make it to that finish line, if you're alone when you get there? Everything worth having takes sacrifices and I know nothing comes easy... but is losing the love of my life worth having my dream job?
I know grad school didn't make him leave, but the amount of stress it caused me, forced me into survival mode and caused me to act in ways I'm ashamed of and make choices I'm not proud of.
I left Vancouver in September thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world: I had the man of my dreams and was on the road to obtaining the career of my dreams.
I've returned completely broken and alone.
I know that I could be happy in life doing anything as long as I had him by my side, that I am sure of.
What I'm much less sure of...is whether or not I can be happy with my life in a career I love, without him to share it with.
Where do I go from here?