...
The bastard did it. He put his name in for the deployment for the desert. I thought he would have realized that now, after 32 of my fellow Hokies are dead, is the time when I need to see him the most, to spend the most time with him. Instead, he runs off to the fucking desert. Instead, all he cares about is being a fucking hero. He's such a fucking hyprocrit. He does this, and then tells me that he only wants to make me happy, that he just wants to be there for me. Bullshit, if he wanted to make me want, to help me heal, he would not have put his name in. He would have realized that what I need, above all else, is him.
I'm so angry. And so devestated. And I feel so, so, so alone. All I want is a fucking hug, and no one here will give me one. The people who I thought I could call my friends haven't even asked to see if I'm holding up all right, and the people who I've hung out with once a week for the past month, who feel too uncomfortable around me still to hug me, and around whom I feel too uncomfortable to cry, are the only ones who've asked after me. God, what friends I have. I'm all alone in the apartment; everyone else has gone home. A lot of people have gone home. Most of those people I've been hanging out with are going home today. I wish so badly I could go home, but that's not possible. Instead I get to sit here, and go over and over in my head how many people have died, and who I know, and who I don't know, watching as more and more names are announced and discovered. And going over and over in my head that the man I need most either doesn't realize how much I need him (which I find somewhat unlikely), or just doesn't deem me worthy enough.
So, whatever. Let him fucking get everything he wants and needs. And I'll make the sacrifices. I'll sit here and...listen to him give me hugs over the phone, from 10,000 miles away. Right. Fuck that shit.
I'm so angry. And so devestated. And I feel so, so, so alone. All I want is a fucking hug, and no one here will give me one. The people who I thought I could call my friends haven't even asked to see if I'm holding up all right, and the people who I've hung out with once a week for the past month, who feel too uncomfortable around me still to hug me, and around whom I feel too uncomfortable to cry, are the only ones who've asked after me. God, what friends I have. I'm all alone in the apartment; everyone else has gone home. A lot of people have gone home. Most of those people I've been hanging out with are going home today. I wish so badly I could go home, but that's not possible. Instead I get to sit here, and go over and over in my head how many people have died, and who I know, and who I don't know, watching as more and more names are announced and discovered. And going over and over in my head that the man I need most either doesn't realize how much I need him (which I find somewhat unlikely), or just doesn't deem me worthy enough.
So, whatever. Let him fucking get everything he wants and needs. And I'll make the sacrifices. I'll sit here and...listen to him give me hugs over the phone, from 10,000 miles away. Right. Fuck that shit.