continuation of cesation
I don't want to talk to him. He called twice while I was at riding, and I have no desire to return his calls. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I know he's flying. I really actually don't want to talk to anyone. the people who are supposed to have cared the most about me have abandoned me, then I think I just want to keep it that way.
I feel like Dan is getting everything he wants, especially if I DO come out at the very end. Which I am now not at all certain I will. Maybe I WILL get a job. I'd like to be able to say, when he asks me to come, "You didn't let seeing me deter you from doing your job, so why shoudl I do any different?"
I DON'T want to come. He has hurt me just as deeply as the loss of my fellow Hokies has. I think, if this had not happened, and he had gone, then I would have been able to forgive him. But now I am not so sure.
Why am I engaged to him? To a man who is willing to put his desire to be a hero above me? Is that what I want? Is that what I deserve? How is that love?
How can he think that any amount of words over the phone is going to make any difference now? I don't want to HEAR that he's "hugging" me, or "holding" me.
If something is more important to im than his future wife, FINE, but don't let him turn around and tell me how much he loves me and wants to see me, when HE'S the one who destroyed the possibility of us getting to see each other in the first place. If there's something I can't stand, it's hypocrisy.
So FINE, let him foresake me for some godless place, just so he can be closer to his "brothers" who are dying, but don't let him come crying to me about how much he misses me.
--How can he put his "dying brothers" above me? My brothers and sisters have died, and are suffering HERE, right beside me and all around me. But if Dan called, said he needed me with him, I would be there in an instant. Because even though this present is horrible and present, HE is my FUTURE, and I feel a greater obligation to that--and to him--than to anyone/thing else.
And I suppose someone would say, well, that's kind of hypocritical, because is he not calling for me, just later in the summer?
Maybe. Be he has SPURNED me. He has judged me to be not as worthy as those "brothers" who are dying, who he will never meet.
So LET him go off to the fucking desert. I will not be there when he returns. Let him be the hero. I have, many times, dropped everything to go to him. When he is ready to do the same, THEN I will listen to how much he misses me, and how much he wants me to be with him. They say actions speak louder than words, and this is definitely one of those times: he SAYS he wants to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me, to make love to me. FUCK that shit! He has BLOWN our chances of getting to do that. So he can kiss my ass.
So, no. I have no desireto speak to anyone, least of all him. Let me deal with my grief--both of losing MY brothers and sisters, and of being rejected by him in my moment of most need--by myself. If people who are HERE, who should be my closest friends, are not gong to seek me out, then why should I want to be with them?
Let people try not to dissuade me: I am ALONE. When my own family does not want me home during this time, when my friends will not come to me and hold me, when my fiance CHOSES to go to some war zone instead of seeing me, I am ALONE.
And there is nothing empty about it. Instead, I am completely full. Filled with the emotions that I cannot release. These words are but a glimpse of what I am feeling. Only a glimpse.
I feel like Dan is getting everything he wants, especially if I DO come out at the very end. Which I am now not at all certain I will. Maybe I WILL get a job. I'd like to be able to say, when he asks me to come, "You didn't let seeing me deter you from doing your job, so why shoudl I do any different?"
I DON'T want to come. He has hurt me just as deeply as the loss of my fellow Hokies has. I think, if this had not happened, and he had gone, then I would have been able to forgive him. But now I am not so sure.
Why am I engaged to him? To a man who is willing to put his desire to be a hero above me? Is that what I want? Is that what I deserve? How is that love?
How can he think that any amount of words over the phone is going to make any difference now? I don't want to HEAR that he's "hugging" me, or "holding" me.
If something is more important to im than his future wife, FINE, but don't let him turn around and tell me how much he loves me and wants to see me, when HE'S the one who destroyed the possibility of us getting to see each other in the first place. If there's something I can't stand, it's hypocrisy.
So FINE, let him foresake me for some godless place, just so he can be closer to his "brothers" who are dying, but don't let him come crying to me about how much he misses me.
--How can he put his "dying brothers" above me? My brothers and sisters have died, and are suffering HERE, right beside me and all around me. But if Dan called, said he needed me with him, I would be there in an instant. Because even though this present is horrible and present, HE is my FUTURE, and I feel a greater obligation to that--and to him--than to anyone/thing else.
And I suppose someone would say, well, that's kind of hypocritical, because is he not calling for me, just later in the summer?
Maybe. Be he has SPURNED me. He has judged me to be not as worthy as those "brothers" who are dying, who he will never meet.
So LET him go off to the fucking desert. I will not be there when he returns. Let him be the hero. I have, many times, dropped everything to go to him. When he is ready to do the same, THEN I will listen to how much he misses me, and how much he wants me to be with him. They say actions speak louder than words, and this is definitely one of those times: he SAYS he wants to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me, to make love to me. FUCK that shit! He has BLOWN our chances of getting to do that. So he can kiss my ass.
So, no. I have no desireto speak to anyone, least of all him. Let me deal with my grief--both of losing MY brothers and sisters, and of being rejected by him in my moment of most need--by myself. If people who are HERE, who should be my closest friends, are not gong to seek me out, then why should I want to be with them?
Let people try not to dissuade me: I am ALONE. When my own family does not want me home during this time, when my friends will not come to me and hold me, when my fiance CHOSES to go to some war zone instead of seeing me, I am ALONE.
And there is nothing empty about it. Instead, I am completely full. Filled with the emotions that I cannot release. These words are but a glimpse of what I am feeling. Only a glimpse.