The Good, the Bad, and the Oh My Gosh, Shut the Fuck Up Already! [Section 3 - STFU]
Just for the kicks and giggles, here is where I'll be bitching about the things that bothered me on my visit to Korbin's house. As there are only a few, I'll try to make it as good as I can for my readers. I've separated it in sections so you can pick whomever you want to read about me bitching over in whichever order you feel like it. And at the end, you can concretely tell me whether or not I'm a bad person for despising my own gender. I mean, really. Bitches everywhere. Oh, and Korby, if you're reading this. Stop now. Otherwise, you'll be witnessing the full force of my bitchery [in writing form] and I didn't really want you to see that until our third year of marriage. >>
Onward!
First. The inconsequential. Mort
Now, my friends, you may ask: What the hell is a Mort? Well, I'll tell you. It's bitch numero uno and a serious pain in my ass. Luckily, she knows I hate her so we keep the conversation to a blissful minimum. Unfortunately, I still have ears and eyes which make it so that I am still witness to her being the reason why men have oppressed us for so many years.
A little background for those who do not know. Mort's real name is Jessica but she insists on being referred to as Mort. Why? I don't know. It might just be another reason why I don't like her. I mean, it reminds me of Mortimer Mouse who, if anybody loves Mickey Mouse as much as I do, is the biggest asshole rat before Ratigan came along [< The Great Mouse Detective reference for those who didn't catch it. Ahh, Disney. You wonderful, racist bastard. <3] Mort is "dating" Korbin's brother Dylan. It's been about a year now and I've got to tell you, Dylan deserves way better than her. But you'll hear about it in a few. Also, she's twenty-something. I think twenty-four, -five? I don't know. But remember that age. It's important later. And to set down the groundwork. She is loud, obnoxious, rude, childish, emotional, and talks way too damn much. Moving on.
The first thing that she did that pissed me off was this. A couple of you know this story already. So, feel free to skip it. Anyway, the facts were these. Korbin and I were downstairs about to use the televisions to either watch a movie or play video games, I can't remember which, and she and her troupe [consisting of Mort, Dylan, and some man boy who trails them around everywhere] come downstairs to play some video games, too. And I, being in possession of my laptop and Korbin of his, gave up use of the television for a few hours as I assumed that that was when they were going to be vacating the premises. They proceeded to play Mario Kart, a game in which they needed to coach Mort in over and over again [which both irritated me and made me laugh 'cause, seriously, Mario Kart is not that hard. Accelerate, brake, turn, throw shit. That's pretty much it]. But they were also trying to find a level that would be easy enough for her but challenging enough for them. So, I, only trying to be helpful, said, "You guys should go to the Mall" [<- There is a level in Mario Kart called Coconut Mall for those who aren't familiar] In response, Mort said, "Ahmigosh, you gaiz. Let's go to the mall!~" [BIITCH!] To this, I fell silent and went back to what I was doing instead of decking her like I wanted to. Following this moment, Mort just went into constant streams of blather that were both loud and had no purpose whatsoever. Those who know me understand that I don't talk often because I can't take that kind of senseless babble. Not even in myself. And at one moment, I looked at Korbin (purely because I like his face. I mean, really, look at the man) and Mort asked me if something was bothering me. Again, those who know me should know that I don't lie when asked a direct question. I don't even sugarcoat. But I tried. Oh, Lord, I tried. Said I: "A bit, yes." She: "What is it?" Moi: "It's... the talking. I can handle it in short bursts but when it's in long streams it tends to bother me." [Note: It's the truth, it's not mean, and I said it in a calm, rational voice] To this, she said, in an incredibly snotty tone to Dylan: "Well, Dylan, I guess we're annoying her 'cause we're talking." [BITCH!] And stormed off upstairs in a huff to go and tattle on me to Mrs. Bigelow. [Oh, my gosh, are you fucking JOKING ME with this? You're damn near thirty and you're going to tattle on me to Mommy? Way to be an adult. Really. Way to go.] This moment will be referenced when we move on to the other thorn in my side. So, don't forget it, 'kay? <3
Second thing. The way she treats Dylan disgusts me. Like, I'm aware that I make fun of Korby a lot but he and I, and hopefully you guys, know it's all in jest and we very much love each other. But I've never seen Dylan and Mort even act like they're in a relationship. When he talks to him her tone is that of someone who just stepped in something gross. But you probably need a mental picture. Don't worry. I have one for you. One time, Dylan came into Korby's room while we were both in there and asked him/us if he thought he should cut his hair painfully short [like a fade-ish is what I got as the mental picture]. We both said: "Uh, nooo." Content, he went away to tell Mort that the idea got a negative response. To this, she came to us, dragging Dylan in tow, and said, "In my defense, I only want him to cut his hair because his dandruff gets everywhere and it's disgusting." [Do I have to really do it by myself? C'mon, all of you say it with me. BITCH! I mean, honestly, what kind of woman who decides to call herself your girlfriend would share not only something intimate like that but something that's potentially embarrassing and in front of you. What the holy hell is this bitch's problem? I honestly wish it was biblical days so we could throw her in a pit and chuck rocks at her head.]
Third. We were forced to paint some woman's house [remember this, it'll be important later] and there was this man [the woman's son] who came in to do all of the delicate edges that us young adults weren't experienced enough to handle ourselves. Now, I could tell just by being around him for a while that he was the type of guy who'd joke around with you even though he didn't know you all that well. And it wasn't a bad thing. I thought he was very charismatic and charming but Mort thought otherwise. This is what happened. I only overheard a little but he was being sarcastic and teasing but Mort was taking it seriously ['cause she can be a bitch but if anybody is even jokingly the poor little bear's feelings are huurt]. So, she storms from where they were talking and goes into another room to tattle on him to Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow. [You all know what's coming. Stupid Bitch!] Not only does she tattle to them like a three-year-old, she does it loudly and the place is small. So, I'm sure that everybody can hear her pissing and moaning over something that's so immaterial it's not even funny. But that's not all. The mother [who is, by the way, a sweet old lady] comes walking by and hears Mort raving and asks what's up. Mort tells her the situation and the mother walks away all distraught. The parents Bigelow do their suburban way of trying to get Mort to stop being such a bitch. But later, the Mrs. decides to go to the son and ask him to apologize to her. [Are you fucking serious with this? Don't reward that kind of shit with an apology? He didn't do anything wrong. That bitch needs a Vicodin or some horse tranquilizers or something. Anything to make her shut the fuck up and stop being such a big baby. Where's a pimp with a free right hand when you need him?]
Last. It was a tiny thing. But it filled me with such a rage. Every night, when Korby left for work, we had a certain ritual. I would walk him to the door, we'd kiss, "I love you," "I love you, too. Be good," "Be safe. I love you," "I love you, too." And this time we were going through our ritual but we were also talking about what it would be like if I took over the world. I would, of course, destroy every man on the planet and weed out all of the females who don't deserve to live. He said to me that in this world every man who was left would by vying for my affections and they'd kill him to get to me. To which I said that I'd kill them all and clone him instead. All of this was heard from Mort in the other room close by. And she said: "Oh, my gosh, we get it. You both love each other equally." [Sorry, you guys, but Korby took this one.] "Biitch." [And I gotta tell you, the man is right. What a bitch. All that went through my head was that she was just jealous 'cause I have with Korbin what she'll never have with anybody. Which started to make me feel a little bad for her, actually. Then I remembered that she's a bitch and I felt all better. Though I have to admit, anybody who watched us for a straight 48 hours would be absolutely nauseated. Honestly, we're that close to being that couple that you kinda want to shoot 'cause they're so fucking cute together. Sometimes it makes me want to punch myself in the face because of it. But I'm getting off topic.] That's it for bitch one. Shall we proceed to bitch two? I think we should.
Number Two. The Monster-in-Law.
Most of us have seen that movie, right? Monster-in-Law starring Jennifer Lopez? Well, in this scenario, I'm J. Lo all the way. Thank goodness that my leading man isn't a mama's boy or we would have serious problems going on right now 'cause I can't stand the woman. But it's not that I hate her. It's that she gets on my ever-loving nerves. If she just went away, possibly wished to some far off cornfield, we'd have the perfect relationship. But, sadly, this is not the case. So, let's do the countdown of: OMG, STFU Part 2.
One. Remember when I told you that Mort tattled on me to Mommy? Well, guess who took her side? Yeah. That's right. The big mama goose decided to go to bat for her ugly duckling. And even though Korbin and I told her our side of the story [obviously the more rational and logical side], she still sided with her. And told me I should build bridges and some strange crap like that. But I just ignored her until she went away. I know, I know. Bitch on my part. But it was either ignore her until she wound down or tell her that there was no way in hell I was going to build any bridge with that hair-dying goth wannabe. And seeing that it was one or two weeks in to my visit I preferred just getting rid of her for the time being. Though that didn't seem to stop her. She's like the maternal terminator. There's no stopping this thing short of running the hell out of there or praying that the Governor of California will hop in and get you to the chopper. [I know, I mixed movies. I couldn't help it. I haven't slept for hours and the thought made me giggle.]
Two. Remember when I told you that we were forced to go redo some woman's house? Guess who forced us to do it? Yes. Spot on. And she didn't even ask us. Oh, no. Not like she probably did everybody else. She called Korbin and told him that that's what we were going to be doing with our Friday. A Friday. Seriously. Wednesday, sure. Sunday, hell yeah. But Friday? All the cool shit happens on Friday... Not to mention that it was a beautiful day. But it's alright. We didn't have any plans. /sarcasm. Not that she'd ask. In any case, we didn't wake up in time to leave with the rest of the convoy so she came back to yell at us. Physical me continued reading my book. Mental me was going: "You're yelling at us for not getting up for something that you volunteered us for? You've got to be kidding me. He's tired, you inconsiderate wench. He has a job. He actually does stuff. Why don't you pick up a brush and paint yourself." But we went anyway. That's not all, of course. Dylan, who also works late like Korby, fell asleep halfway through the working and stayed asleep until dinnertime. But did you-know-who bitch at him? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Not her Dylly-bear. Not that I'm mad at Dylan. He needs his sleep like every growing being. But I know in my heart and soul that it it was me or Korbin that she would've woken us up and bitched non-stop until the day was over. That's what I don't like about her. The obvious preferential treatment makes me sick. And I refuse to suck up to someone whose moral compass is more wayward than Sylar's.
And she doesn't even acknowledge our relationship is what gets me even more. She'll accept that a horrid, emo bitch like Mort is dating her son but I have to actually be engaged to Korbin before she'll allow the knowledge that I'm his girlfriend. I shudder to think what I'm going to have to do to work my way up to fiance. I don't know. Be married for ten years? Pop out a few kids? I'm not really sure. All I am sure of is that I. Hate. Women. This is why. And my little Olivia and Josephine [those are my babies' names. Don't take them or I'll shank you in the eye] will not be like that or I will give them away and start over. Don't think I'm joking. 'Cause if I end up giving birth to a mondo bitch like either of these two, it's either the kid or me that leaves this world. Possibly both if it comes to it.
Now, my loves. Tell me. Am I wrong? Am I the bad one here? 'Cause it seems to me that this is evidence enough that women should be wiped clean from the planet. Seriously.
Fuji Out.
Onward!
First. The inconsequential. Mort
Now, my friends, you may ask: What the hell is a Mort? Well, I'll tell you. It's bitch numero uno and a serious pain in my ass. Luckily, she knows I hate her so we keep the conversation to a blissful minimum. Unfortunately, I still have ears and eyes which make it so that I am still witness to her being the reason why men have oppressed us for so many years.
A little background for those who do not know. Mort's real name is Jessica but she insists on being referred to as Mort. Why? I don't know. It might just be another reason why I don't like her. I mean, it reminds me of Mortimer Mouse who, if anybody loves Mickey Mouse as much as I do, is the biggest asshole rat before Ratigan came along [< The Great Mouse Detective reference for those who didn't catch it. Ahh, Disney. You wonderful, racist bastard. <3] Mort is "dating" Korbin's brother Dylan. It's been about a year now and I've got to tell you, Dylan deserves way better than her. But you'll hear about it in a few. Also, she's twenty-something. I think twenty-four, -five? I don't know. But remember that age. It's important later. And to set down the groundwork. She is loud, obnoxious, rude, childish, emotional, and talks way too damn much. Moving on.
The first thing that she did that pissed me off was this. A couple of you know this story already. So, feel free to skip it. Anyway, the facts were these. Korbin and I were downstairs about to use the televisions to either watch a movie or play video games, I can't remember which, and she and her troupe [consisting of Mort, Dylan, and some man boy who trails them around everywhere] come downstairs to play some video games, too. And I, being in possession of my laptop and Korbin of his, gave up use of the television for a few hours as I assumed that that was when they were going to be vacating the premises. They proceeded to play Mario Kart, a game in which they needed to coach Mort in over and over again [which both irritated me and made me laugh 'cause, seriously, Mario Kart is not that hard. Accelerate, brake, turn, throw shit. That's pretty much it]. But they were also trying to find a level that would be easy enough for her but challenging enough for them. So, I, only trying to be helpful, said, "You guys should go to the Mall" [<- There is a level in Mario Kart called Coconut Mall for those who aren't familiar] In response, Mort said, "Ahmigosh, you gaiz. Let's go to the mall!~" [BIITCH!] To this, I fell silent and went back to what I was doing instead of decking her like I wanted to. Following this moment, Mort just went into constant streams of blather that were both loud and had no purpose whatsoever. Those who know me understand that I don't talk often because I can't take that kind of senseless babble. Not even in myself. And at one moment, I looked at Korbin (purely because I like his face. I mean, really, look at the man) and Mort asked me if something was bothering me. Again, those who know me should know that I don't lie when asked a direct question. I don't even sugarcoat. But I tried. Oh, Lord, I tried. Said I: "A bit, yes." She: "What is it?" Moi: "It's... the talking. I can handle it in short bursts but when it's in long streams it tends to bother me." [Note: It's the truth, it's not mean, and I said it in a calm, rational voice] To this, she said, in an incredibly snotty tone to Dylan: "Well, Dylan, I guess we're annoying her 'cause we're talking." [BITCH!] And stormed off upstairs in a huff to go and tattle on me to Mrs. Bigelow. [Oh, my gosh, are you fucking JOKING ME with this? You're damn near thirty and you're going to tattle on me to Mommy? Way to be an adult. Really. Way to go.] This moment will be referenced when we move on to the other thorn in my side. So, don't forget it, 'kay? <3
Second thing. The way she treats Dylan disgusts me. Like, I'm aware that I make fun of Korby a lot but he and I, and hopefully you guys, know it's all in jest and we very much love each other. But I've never seen Dylan and Mort even act like they're in a relationship. When he talks to him her tone is that of someone who just stepped in something gross. But you probably need a mental picture. Don't worry. I have one for you. One time, Dylan came into Korby's room while we were both in there and asked him/us if he thought he should cut his hair painfully short [like a fade-ish is what I got as the mental picture]. We both said: "Uh, nooo." Content, he went away to tell Mort that the idea got a negative response. To this, she came to us, dragging Dylan in tow, and said, "In my defense, I only want him to cut his hair because his dandruff gets everywhere and it's disgusting." [Do I have to really do it by myself? C'mon, all of you say it with me. BITCH! I mean, honestly, what kind of woman who decides to call herself your girlfriend would share not only something intimate like that but something that's potentially embarrassing and in front of you. What the holy hell is this bitch's problem? I honestly wish it was biblical days so we could throw her in a pit and chuck rocks at her head.]
Third. We were forced to paint some woman's house [remember this, it'll be important later] and there was this man [the woman's son] who came in to do all of the delicate edges that us young adults weren't experienced enough to handle ourselves. Now, I could tell just by being around him for a while that he was the type of guy who'd joke around with you even though he didn't know you all that well. And it wasn't a bad thing. I thought he was very charismatic and charming but Mort thought otherwise. This is what happened. I only overheard a little but he was being sarcastic and teasing but Mort was taking it seriously ['cause she can be a bitch but if anybody is even jokingly the poor little bear's feelings are huurt]. So, she storms from where they were talking and goes into another room to tattle on him to Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow. [You all know what's coming. Stupid Bitch!] Not only does she tattle to them like a three-year-old, she does it loudly and the place is small. So, I'm sure that everybody can hear her pissing and moaning over something that's so immaterial it's not even funny. But that's not all. The mother [who is, by the way, a sweet old lady] comes walking by and hears Mort raving and asks what's up. Mort tells her the situation and the mother walks away all distraught. The parents Bigelow do their suburban way of trying to get Mort to stop being such a bitch. But later, the Mrs. decides to go to the son and ask him to apologize to her. [Are you fucking serious with this? Don't reward that kind of shit with an apology? He didn't do anything wrong. That bitch needs a Vicodin or some horse tranquilizers or something. Anything to make her shut the fuck up and stop being such a big baby. Where's a pimp with a free right hand when you need him?]
Last. It was a tiny thing. But it filled me with such a rage. Every night, when Korby left for work, we had a certain ritual. I would walk him to the door, we'd kiss, "I love you," "I love you, too. Be good," "Be safe. I love you," "I love you, too." And this time we were going through our ritual but we were also talking about what it would be like if I took over the world. I would, of course, destroy every man on the planet and weed out all of the females who don't deserve to live. He said to me that in this world every man who was left would by vying for my affections and they'd kill him to get to me. To which I said that I'd kill them all and clone him instead. All of this was heard from Mort in the other room close by. And she said: "Oh, my gosh, we get it. You both love each other equally." [Sorry, you guys, but Korby took this one.] "Biitch." [And I gotta tell you, the man is right. What a bitch. All that went through my head was that she was just jealous 'cause I have with Korbin what she'll never have with anybody. Which started to make me feel a little bad for her, actually. Then I remembered that she's a bitch and I felt all better. Though I have to admit, anybody who watched us for a straight 48 hours would be absolutely nauseated. Honestly, we're that close to being that couple that you kinda want to shoot 'cause they're so fucking cute together. Sometimes it makes me want to punch myself in the face because of it. But I'm getting off topic.] That's it for bitch one. Shall we proceed to bitch two? I think we should.
Number Two. The Monster-in-Law.
Most of us have seen that movie, right? Monster-in-Law starring Jennifer Lopez? Well, in this scenario, I'm J. Lo all the way. Thank goodness that my leading man isn't a mama's boy or we would have serious problems going on right now 'cause I can't stand the woman. But it's not that I hate her. It's that she gets on my ever-loving nerves. If she just went away, possibly wished to some far off cornfield, we'd have the perfect relationship. But, sadly, this is not the case. So, let's do the countdown of: OMG, STFU Part 2.
One. Remember when I told you that Mort tattled on me to Mommy? Well, guess who took her side? Yeah. That's right. The big mama goose decided to go to bat for her ugly duckling. And even though Korbin and I told her our side of the story [obviously the more rational and logical side], she still sided with her. And told me I should build bridges and some strange crap like that. But I just ignored her until she went away. I know, I know. Bitch on my part. But it was either ignore her until she wound down or tell her that there was no way in hell I was going to build any bridge with that hair-dying goth wannabe. And seeing that it was one or two weeks in to my visit I preferred just getting rid of her for the time being. Though that didn't seem to stop her. She's like the maternal terminator. There's no stopping this thing short of running the hell out of there or praying that the Governor of California will hop in and get you to the chopper. [I know, I mixed movies. I couldn't help it. I haven't slept for hours and the thought made me giggle.]
Two. Remember when I told you that we were forced to go redo some woman's house? Guess who forced us to do it? Yes. Spot on. And she didn't even ask us. Oh, no. Not like she probably did everybody else. She called Korbin and told him that that's what we were going to be doing with our Friday. A Friday. Seriously. Wednesday, sure. Sunday, hell yeah. But Friday? All the cool shit happens on Friday... Not to mention that it was a beautiful day. But it's alright. We didn't have any plans. /sarcasm. Not that she'd ask. In any case, we didn't wake up in time to leave with the rest of the convoy so she came back to yell at us. Physical me continued reading my book. Mental me was going: "You're yelling at us for not getting up for something that you volunteered us for? You've got to be kidding me. He's tired, you inconsiderate wench. He has a job. He actually does stuff. Why don't you pick up a brush and paint yourself." But we went anyway. That's not all, of course. Dylan, who also works late like Korby, fell asleep halfway through the working and stayed asleep until dinnertime. But did you-know-who bitch at him? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Not her Dylly-bear. Not that I'm mad at Dylan. He needs his sleep like every growing being. But I know in my heart and soul that it it was me or Korbin that she would've woken us up and bitched non-stop until the day was over. That's what I don't like about her. The obvious preferential treatment makes me sick. And I refuse to suck up to someone whose moral compass is more wayward than Sylar's.
And she doesn't even acknowledge our relationship is what gets me even more. She'll accept that a horrid, emo bitch like Mort is dating her son but I have to actually be engaged to Korbin before she'll allow the knowledge that I'm his girlfriend. I shudder to think what I'm going to have to do to work my way up to fiance. I don't know. Be married for ten years? Pop out a few kids? I'm not really sure. All I am sure of is that I. Hate. Women. This is why. And my little Olivia and Josephine [those are my babies' names. Don't take them or I'll shank you in the eye] will not be like that or I will give them away and start over. Don't think I'm joking. 'Cause if I end up giving birth to a mondo bitch like either of these two, it's either the kid or me that leaves this world. Possibly both if it comes to it.
Now, my loves. Tell me. Am I wrong? Am I the bad one here? 'Cause it seems to me that this is evidence enough that women should be wiped clean from the planet. Seriously.
Fuji Out.