I Don't Really Know What to Say
Less than a week ago, my fiance left to go back to his home state and since that moment, I have been having a worse time struggling with my feelings than I usually do. I mean, my normal moodiness is something that I've managed to get used to. I'm a regular on-again, off-again person; people tend to piss me off quite a bit and I'm alright with that. The thing that troubles me the most is the fact that without Korby around to talk to I've been trying to reach out to people to be with but I find that they disappoint me in ways that I never recognized before. They're just so self-serving and selfish. If you're not talking about them and their problems then you're obviously wasting air. I've tried to be good to them in my Charlene way. I listen to them when they complain about things, I offer advice or empathy where I can, I do everything for them that I could never do with them and it leaves me feeling so used. At least with him here I had somebody to talk to and he would hold me and tell me things were okay or that they were just assholes and that's nothing I have to deal with because he was there for me. He was there for me.
Most of the time I think it's me that's the problem in all of my relationships. It's a pretty valid argument. I can be pretty curt when I'm in a bad mood; I don't talk often when I'm busy playing the introspective emo ranger. It's just that the things I expect from a good friendship shouldn't be so hard. Or, at least, I wouldn't think they would be very hard. It's not impossible to have your friends ask you what you want to do, is it? It's not hard to just sit and talk about things. There's so little sitting and talking about things nowadays. Everybody has to be going somewhere and doing something. This is a practice that I don't think I'll ever understand. I mean, if you love somebody, shouldn't you be able to handle being with them for two hours without the distractions of... things?
Then there are my online friends. I can't talk to them either. They're all off living lives and having real life relationships of their own. It's not like I can just go up to one of them and say: "Hey, I know you have that physics exam that you really need to study for but I'm going through some stuff right now and I just need someone to give me a hug and tell me it'll be fine some day soon." I mean, I could. Nothing's impossible. But I don't want to think that somewhere it Wherever, Ohio, the person I'm trying to connect with is busy saying to their other friend. "Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be studying for this test I really need to do but this stupid, weepy girl won't shut up. So, I'm just letting her prattle until she's through." And I don't want to think those things about my friends... But I know that that's what I would have done a few years ago. I know them too well to trust them anymore. Like how we're in the car and we're reminiscing about the people we hated in high school [and still hate now], I find myself wondering later if they don't do the same thing to me when I'm not around. I know I don't do it to them [most of them] but if they're willing to do it to somebody who they ate lunch with, hung out with, and smiled at so prettily, how can I trust that that smile isn't just another "Gosh, I can't wait until I'm away from you" grin when it's directed at me? Tell me. How?
Another thing that bothers me is that nobody really pays attention to each other unless you go up to them wearing a sandwich board proclaiming: "HEY! HEY! I NEED SOME ATTENTION! COULD YOU TALK TO ME FOR A MINUTE?" I'm not that kind of person. Being that kind of person makes me hate myself. I despise people who are just such attention whores. It seems like there are so many of them now... And they're taking the attention of those I love. As time stretches I find that without the basic back-and-forth with people that I just can't do being in contact with people at all. It's hard to keep trying and keep trying when you get absolutely nothing back. That's not what relationships should be but we should all just call a spade a spade and admit that without getting something back, we wouldn't be in half the relationships we are. Though the only thing I really want back is comfort and companionship. Like I had when I was a kid; like I have with Korby. But he's not here now and I haven't seen those people in years.
I guess the worst part of this kind of loneliness is the complete and utter feeling of isolation I have right now. A few days ago, I could wake up, turn over, and have someone smiling at me and asking me how I slept. Perhaps questioning if I had sweet dreams. Brushing the hair out of the way of my face... But now there's nobody. Why is time moving so slowly? I just want to get out of here. Every day is so agonizing in its monotony.
Most of the time I think it's me that's the problem in all of my relationships. It's a pretty valid argument. I can be pretty curt when I'm in a bad mood; I don't talk often when I'm busy playing the introspective emo ranger. It's just that the things I expect from a good friendship shouldn't be so hard. Or, at least, I wouldn't think they would be very hard. It's not impossible to have your friends ask you what you want to do, is it? It's not hard to just sit and talk about things. There's so little sitting and talking about things nowadays. Everybody has to be going somewhere and doing something. This is a practice that I don't think I'll ever understand. I mean, if you love somebody, shouldn't you be able to handle being with them for two hours without the distractions of... things?
Then there are my online friends. I can't talk to them either. They're all off living lives and having real life relationships of their own. It's not like I can just go up to one of them and say: "Hey, I know you have that physics exam that you really need to study for but I'm going through some stuff right now and I just need someone to give me a hug and tell me it'll be fine some day soon." I mean, I could. Nothing's impossible. But I don't want to think that somewhere it Wherever, Ohio, the person I'm trying to connect with is busy saying to their other friend. "Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be studying for this test I really need to do but this stupid, weepy girl won't shut up. So, I'm just letting her prattle until she's through." And I don't want to think those things about my friends... But I know that that's what I would have done a few years ago. I know them too well to trust them anymore. Like how we're in the car and we're reminiscing about the people we hated in high school [and still hate now], I find myself wondering later if they don't do the same thing to me when I'm not around. I know I don't do it to them [most of them] but if they're willing to do it to somebody who they ate lunch with, hung out with, and smiled at so prettily, how can I trust that that smile isn't just another "Gosh, I can't wait until I'm away from you" grin when it's directed at me? Tell me. How?
Another thing that bothers me is that nobody really pays attention to each other unless you go up to them wearing a sandwich board proclaiming: "HEY! HEY! I NEED SOME ATTENTION! COULD YOU TALK TO ME FOR A MINUTE?" I'm not that kind of person. Being that kind of person makes me hate myself. I despise people who are just such attention whores. It seems like there are so many of them now... And they're taking the attention of those I love. As time stretches I find that without the basic back-and-forth with people that I just can't do being in contact with people at all. It's hard to keep trying and keep trying when you get absolutely nothing back. That's not what relationships should be but we should all just call a spade a spade and admit that without getting something back, we wouldn't be in half the relationships we are. Though the only thing I really want back is comfort and companionship. Like I had when I was a kid; like I have with Korby. But he's not here now and I haven't seen those people in years.
I guess the worst part of this kind of loneliness is the complete and utter feeling of isolation I have right now. A few days ago, I could wake up, turn over, and have someone smiling at me and asking me how I slept. Perhaps questioning if I had sweet dreams. Brushing the hair out of the way of my face... But now there's nobody. Why is time moving so slowly? I just want to get out of here. Every day is so agonizing in its monotony.