Entry Four
I suppose it goes without saying that it's unsettling to have your very emotions drained right out of you. In fact, I think you could call that a bit of an understatement.
One of the most vivid details that stands out from that experience was how terribly cold it was. It was as if the warmth had been robbed from my very body, as if I'd lost a vital part of my life force. First, it begins from one part of your body, and then it creeps through your veins, like a slow and painless poison. Over time, it becomes a feeling that pierces you straight to your core, and it's almost impossible to remember what it was like to feel warm in the first place once it happens.
What's worse is that you lose your ability to even care. Your life, your mission, your dearest friends - all lose their meaning. This sudden apathy that can occur without warning is, perhaps, far more dangerous than the rabid felines or the droid-creature with lightsabers. In those instances, you at least retain your free will, your sense of self-preservation, and your desire to press forward. With the cold shadow's touch comes absolutely nothing. Emptiness, apathy, a hollow feeling. There are no other words to describe the terrible predicament I was in.
I could have died in the most gruesome, painful way during that time, and it wouldn't have mattered to me. I would not have cared in the slightest.
The only reason I was saved was because I was not alone that night. I had someone to make sure I continued forward, even if it was by physically pulling on me. If I had decided to go off by myself after all, I can only imagine what would have happened to me. It is a further affirmation of the dangers of traveling alone at night.
Despite the way I jested during the showers yesterday, I truly am in your debt, Qui-Gon.
If, for some reason, other people are reading this, I will give my warnings now: never stray by yourself, and do not underestimate what Martin Landel is capable of. Before that night, I thought the only enemies I would have to face were the kind that could inflict physical damage. But now I realize the stakes are much, much higher. I can only wish that this cruel game were so simple.
As such, it is important not to take anything for granted in this place. We are at risk of losing the very things that define ourselves - our names, our memories, our feelings. I was once in a vaguely similar situation when I was a boy, and I found it is best to cherish and hold onto every fragment of such things as much as you can. They cannot take anything you don't let go, provided you have the strength to hold on in the first place.
I once viewed certain kinds of feelings as weaknesses or marks of failure. But perhaps it is more accurate to view them as things that are, to an extent, necessary to stay alive. Whether this is the case or not, however, I know for a fact Martin Landel does not have the right to tamper with them.
He will be brought to justice someday.