Entry Three
Despite everything that has happened today, I have not forgotten about last night's encounter with that giant spider.
I suppose you think I'm upset with you for what you did. In some ways, you're probably right. I have often felt uncomfortable using outright Force-persuasion when I thought there were other ways to handle a situation. Last night was no different in that regard. However, you did something that actually took me by surprise. You went as far as to project pain and agony onto that creature in hopes of turning it away from not only us, but the other prisoners who were nearby as well.
Even as I write this, I can already imagine what you would say in your defense. Would it not have been better to convince the creature to leave through non-violent means? Is slaughtering it with a lightsaber, a blaster, or a chair really more humane than simply projecting discomfort?
These are questions I will not try to answer here. But I will say this: I do not condone using the Force to bring that kind of suffering onto another being, no matter the circumstances. Your heart was certainly in the right place, and you did not have any malicious intent behind your actions. However, most people in the galaxy are not like you, Qui-Gon. Many beings are corrupt and would use such an ability for ill, to achieve their own ends with little regard for other people.
I do not trust myself to wield that kind of power over another being. My recent fight with the Sith creature has forced me to re-evaluate myself and my grasp on the serenity we Jedi try so hard to exude and live by. I killed another being, not out of a sense of duty, not out of the goodness of my heart, but because of the rage I felt from your passing. I sliced that Sith Lord in half, watched as both pieces of his body fell into that bottomless pit, and I did not feel an ounce of regret or remorse for my actions. My only thoughts were of you, and you alone. I was satisfied that you had been avenged.
But my victory was not a happy one. If anything, it tasted empty and bitter, like the ashes from a funeral pyre.
I know I am the first Jedi to slay a Sith in eons. But I honestly do not feel like it's the marvelous accomplishment I thought it would be. If anything, I feel like it was a test I at least partially failed.
And, yet, when you stepped forward and began to drive that creature back, I promptly followed suit. It felt wrong to do what I did, but it felt undeniably right to be by your side. Perhaps that is what you were alluding to when you told me my main flaw was that I aimed to please you too much. But I would like you to know that my desire to be your faithful companion is not entirely driven out of a need for your approval. It is because I trust you with my heart and soul. I trust you more than I trust my lightsaber, the Council, the Code, or myself. I had every intention of speaking to Yoda about Anakin's future, not because I felt compelled to fulfill a prophecy, but because I believe in you.
Perhaps if I were the perfect Jedi, I would feel unsettled by this, try to meditate on it, and promptly attempt to purge such thoughts and feelings from my mind. Maybe that's what you would rather me do, especially considering my Knighthood is soon approaching. I have given up many things to become a Jedi - family, wealth, friends, pleasures and comforts people take for granted.
But you are the one thing I could never willingly sacrifice for the Order, Qui-Gon.
Yes, I am disappointed in myself for rising up and repelling that spider despite my misgivings. No, I do not approve of the actions you took last night. But, at the same time, I feel no shame for the trust I freely extend to you. It is, no doubt, a complex situation that deserves some dialogue between us. Perhaps I will someday have the privilege of openly discussing my attachment to you.
But, for now, I must be content in remaining by your side in relative silence. It is my duty as your student, friend and faithful companion. I may disagree with you on many things, and we may debate over subjects like the will of the Force or the Jedi Code, but my trust for you is always unwavering.
If anything about this is unsettling, it is my complete lack of desire to rid this apparent attachment from my life.
[Signed]
Obi-Wan Kenobi