retched aching beautiful heart

[borednboring]

anxious. impatient. scared.
I look up and see him. blink and he's gone.
I have so much hatred for this vessel I abide in. it's caused me so much pain.
there are days I think of taking a knife to these pieces of her. I hate her.
when her name is called I want to scream. to shatter her pretty face. to rip her pretty clothes to shreds.
I smoke and yell and curse to ruin her pretty voice.
I bite and hit and fall to ruin her pretty skin.
I tear apart her pretty soul. her pretty smile. her retched, aching, beautiful heart.
I need to replace them. make them new.
make me new.
whole.
not so pretty, but happy.
not so pretty, but safe.
no longer beautiful, but complete.
I'll meet him someday, and I will no longer need to ruin.
her retched heart is my aching heart is his beautiful heart.