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Wow, I super did not expect so many people to be into these write-ups of the Fionavar Tapestry, but I'm GLAD YOU ALL ARE because we are now hitting The Wandering Fire and it is probably my favorite of the books!
So in The Summer Tree, our five Canadian law student protagonists had a bunch of traumatizing adventures in Middle Earth Fionavar and then bounced back to Canada just as the Epic Battle Against Sauron Evil was about to begin!
When The Wandering Fire opens they're all ... kind of still hanging out in Canada. Doing law internships. Twiddling their thumbs.
KEVIN: So Kim! Buddy! Fionavar's newest magical Seer! Have you seen a way to get us back to Fionavar yet?
KIM: Not since the last time you asked, no.
DAVE: How about now?
KIM: ... still no.
PAUL: Now?
KIM: ... Paul, you also came out of Fionavar with special god powers, so why are you even asking me?!
PAUL: Funny thing about special god powers: they do not come with a guidebook.
KEVIN: Anyway, how's Jennifer?
KIM: Still suffering major PTSD ... still planning to go ahead with having Sauron's baby despite how many times I gently remind her that we are all pro-choice here ...
PAUL: Maybe I'll go try and talk to her.
KIM: Sure, Mr. 'I Don't Feel Feelings, My Heart Is A Desert,' go see what you can do.
PAUL: So Jennifer I hear you are planning on having Sauron's baby! Just to check in, so you know, we're all --
JENNIFER: YES I am AWARE that we are all pro-choice here and my choice is to HAVE THIS DAMN BABY. OK? OK.
PAUL: And you are aware that it may be an evil baby. I'm just checking in.
JENNIFER: Sure. It could be an evil baby. It could also be a superpowered baby who's gonna hella fuck Sauron up for me. I'm willing to roll those dice.
PAUL: ... well, OK, you seem committed and like you know your own mind! Want to go check out the new print show at a museum and not think about evil babies?
JENNIFER: That sounds nice and not at all ominous!
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: HELLO I am here at the MUSEUM to KILL you both, especially JENNIFER and her POSSIBLY EVIL or POSSIBLY SUPERPOWERED BABY!
PAUL: One of these days I will kill you, Galadan! ... but today I still don't have a manual for my superpowers so we're going with option B: run away to Fionavar! Somehow!
JENNIFER: Hey, Paul ... so, um, apparently traveling through worlds is a good way to bring on premature labor ...
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: Hello, um, what are you doing at my front door?
JENNIFER: So I was here like a year ago, and I happened to overhear a prophetess say that your teenaged son was doomed to have some kind of tragic destiny?
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: ...er, yes...
JENNIFER: So I thought, hey, you know who probably wants a NEW baby? A woman whose son is doomed to a tragic destiny! Amirite?
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: ...um.....
JENNIFER: PS, there is like a 50% chance this baby's going to be evil? But I'm sure if you take good care of him it'll be FINE. Good luck, have fun, no pressure or anything, we're off back to Canada now!
PAUL: Well, this was ...certainly one way of taking care of the possibly-evil baby problem....
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: Finn, meet ... your new baby brother, I guess ...?
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: HE'S ADORABLE. *____*
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: *burble*
So Paul and Jennifer bounce back to Canada, where they all twiddle their thumbs some more until Kim FINALLY has a vision.
KIM: OK, here's the plan: we're going to go break into Stonehenge and raise King Uther Pendragon from the dead!
DAVE: ....why?
KIM: So that he can tell us how to raise King Arthur from the dead! Everyone in? Dave, I know you just got that prestigious law fellowship --
DAVE: Eh, screw that prestigious law fellowship, I have things to hit with an axe.
KEVIN: Wow, you really did have personal growth, Dave! Meanwhile, I am definitely in, because I got laid all the time in Fionavar and I have not gotten laid forever.
DAVE: ...for the record, I have not had so much personal growth that I cannot still be 200% done with you Kevin Laine.
I could at this point describe the team's thrilling breaking-into-Stonehenge adventures, but instead you can all just go watch the classic Ylvis music video Stonehenge and get pretty much the same effect. God, it is the greatest henge of all.
Anyway! Kim wakes King Arthur from the dead and they have a nice sad chat about how King Arthur always gets reincarnated for doomed battles and there's an angsty love triangle EVERY TIME and then he always DIES and Arthur is just kind of done with it already? BUT HE CAN NEVER BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY.
KIM: No, it's cool though! We definitely don't have a Guinevere or a Lancelot in this story!
KING ARTHUR: That's what you think. Oh, well, at least I'll probably die pretty soon.
(GUY GAVRIEL KAY: Just FYI, this thing with King Arthur and the tragic threesome is the saddest of all the stories ever told.
CONSTANT READER: ...really? Because, like, what's happened to Jennifer is pretty shitty, and so is the Tale of Finn's Poor, Poor Mother, Unluckiest Mom in Fionavar --
GUY GAVRIEL KAY: The saddest.)
Back in Fionavar: everyone's super excited to see their favorite Canadians again --
DAVE'S NOMAD BROS: Hey! It's Dave with the axe! YO DAVE!
DAVE: Bros, I missed you all so much!
DAVE'S NOMAD BROS: Bro!
DAVE: This is so much more fun than a prestigious law internship.
Especially Superpowered Seer Kim and Paul the Avatar Of Odin Mornir --
WIZARD LOREN: So now that you're back you can figure out how to help us break this ENDLESS MAGICAL WINTER we've been dealing with for the past year, right?
KIM: Ummmmmmm.
PAUL: Ummmmmmmmmmm.
KIM: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
WIZARD LOREN: By the way, what's up with Jennifer, she seems kind of bummed?
PAUL: Certainly nothing to do with possibly-evil babies living down the street from us, why do you ask?
-- but everyone rapidly become distracted by Princess Sharra's dad turning up with an army to join the War Against Evil.
SHARRA'S DAD: I'm gonna turn up looking AWESOME and totally take charge of this war!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Joke's on you, I totally knew you were coming the whole time!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Joke's double on you, I didn't know you were coming and whipped up the super fanciest welcome ceremony in two hours flat anyway!
SHARRA'S DAD: >.<
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Also, what do you want to bet your super-babe daughter is hanging out cross-dressed in your army?
PRINCESS SHARRA: Joke's on YOU, Hot and Irresponsible Diarmuid, I'm cross-dressed and hanging out in your army! And I must say I don't think much of your national security if random princesses can just pop up in your army any time they feel like it. For all you know I might be planning to stab you or something! LOL.
KIM: God, I love that woman.
KIM: So, uh, while we're all here, King Aileron, King Sharra's Dad, may I present King Arthur?
KING ARTHUR: Don't worry, I'll probably die pretty soon. I always do.
KING SHARRA'S DAD: Well, aren't you a bundle of cheer.
KIM: Hey, Jennifer, did you meet King --
KING ARTHUR: ...fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
So it turns out that in ADDITION to all the other fun she's had in Fionavar, Jennifer is the reincarnation of Queen Guinevere!
KIM: Well ... I guess that explains why you were always the most beautiful woman in the country ....? Um.
JENNIFER: FORTUNATELY, I'm so depressed and traumatized still about everything else I've been through, I'm not even interested in any love triangle nonsense! Have a nice life, Arthur!
KING ARTHUR: But ... what about our destined tragic love .....?
JENNIFER: Eh.
KING ARTHUR: You know what, it's fine, I WILL PROBABLY DIE SOON ANYWAY.
Pursuant to this, King Arthur and Kim both start peering around suspiciously for Lancelot, and both Hot and Irresponsible Diarmuid and Aileron the Less Hot but Also Less Irresponsible start desperately shouting 'not it, NOT IT.'
DAVE: So, on a total sidenote, remember when a goddess gave me this magical horn? Who feels like going on a field trip to wake the Wild Hunt?
DAVE'S NOMAD BLOOD BROS: Hell yeah Wild Hunt field triiiip!
KIM: I'm not sure this is such a good idea ... but what the heck, why not!
So they wake the Wild Hunt! Alas, it turns out the Wild Hunt is pissy because they are missing their ninth rider, who is supposed to be a teenage boy.
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: Well, I guess I hear my tragic destiny calling! Goodbye, Mom! Goodbye, possibly evil baby brother! I'm OFF TO JOIN THE WILD HUNT.
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: Mommy where did my big brother go :( :( :( :(
(I forgot to mention that possibly evil babies half-Sauron babies grow up way faster than normal babies. Possibly Evil Baby Darien is now like six.)
PAUL: Crap, what if baby Darien's abandonment issues make him turn evil? Possibly we should have thought of this when we selected the House of Tragic Destiny to raise him in. I'd better go check in for emotional support.
KIM: Sure, Mr. 'I Don't Have Feelings, My Heart Is A Desert, Definitely Awesome With Kids,' go see what you can do.
PAUL: ...so....Darien.....it seems.....you're sad......?
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: ....I WANT MY BIG BROTHER. :( :( :(
PAUL: -- OK, you know what, maybe this will be easier if Darien's not a six-year-old anymore. Let's encourage him to magically age up to a teenager, that will probably help!
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: Guess what, I'm now a teenager and I hate everyone and everything.
PAUL: .......in retrospect this might not have been such a good idea.
POSSIBLY EVIL TEENAGE DARIEN: No one CARES about me! You're not my REAL dad! Get out, get out, get out!!!
CERNAN, GOD OF THE HUNT: Yo, that's Sauron's kid? Why was he not killed at birth?
POSSIBLY EVIL TEENAGED DARIEN: You know what, if nobody wants me, maybe I'll just go hang out with MY DAD SAURON. What about THAT.
PAUL: Great, at least someone has said something even less helpful to this kid than I did.
PAUL: So, Jennifer, funny story ... about your possibly-evil kid ........
JENNIFER: Eh.
PAUL: ????
JENNIFER: Did you miss the part where I'm too traumatized and depressed to care about anything?
PAUL: I thought I fixed that with fun museum trips. :(
JENNIFER: ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIEST: I just got a psychic priestess message! Wolves are attacking the main priestess temple!
And lo, they all go forth to attack the wolves, and Dave is pretty good at wolf-slaying, and Dave's nomad bros are also pretty good at wolf-slaying, and Arthur is super good at wolf-slaying, and Diarmuid is even more super good at wolf-slaying, and Aileron is so super good at wolf-slaying that Guy Gavriel Kay basically runs out of adjectives and superlatives, and then Arthur starts squinting suspiciously and Aileron has to do the "NO SERIOUSLY NOT LANCELOT I SWEAR" dance some more.
KEVIN: So, hey guys, I gotta say, I'm feeling ... kind of superfluous on this trip? I mean, Paul has his avatar-of-the-God thing, and Kim has her Seer thing, and Jennifer has her evil baby and Guinevere thing, and Dave has his --
DAVE: I have an axe!
KEVIN: -- and Dave has his axe, and I ... have not really been doing anything ... I'm not even good at sports particularly?
KIM: Um, well, Kevin, at least you're still really good at sex ....?
KEVIN: >:(
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: Hey, fun fact about this temple: did I mention that even though it's eternal winter, right now it's technically Midsummer, when we have a regular symbolic ritual about a dude sacrificing himself to have symbolic sex with the Goddess and bring the summer back?
KEVIN: *lightbulb!*
(MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE WHERE THE GODS HANG OUT, PROBABLY
THE GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Hey, Mother Goddess, cliff/shag/marry, random Canadian dude edition?
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Definitely cliff Kevin, shag Kevin, marry Kevin.
THE GODDESS OF THE HUNT: I'm not sure you understand how to play this game...)
So Kevin treks out to the symbolic cliff, and symbolically leaps off, and has a whole ton of really fantastic symbolic sex with the Great Mother Goddess, and breaks the endless winter! And then goes splat.
KEVIN, IN HIS LAST THOUGHT: I am so glad I am going to be too dead to explain this whole pagan marriage/sex/sacrifice thing to my extremely Jewish father.
PAUL: WTF! Kevin, I cannot BELIEVE you just went and sacrificed yourself to a Fionavaran deity to break an unnatural weather phenomenon!!!
KEVIN, IN THE AFTERLIFE, PROBABLY: Never has the phrase 'pot, kettle' been more accurate.
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: Paul, I know he was your friend, and I am sorry for your loss.
PAUL: WHAT WOULD A MAN-HATING JERKASS HIGH PRIESTESS KNOW ABOUT MY LOSS
JAELLE: ...well, that was uncalled-for.
KIM: What I want to know is, who's going to explain this whole pagan marriage/sex/sacrifice thing to his extremely Jewish father? Because I call not it.
DIARMUID: On the bright side, I proposed to Princess Sharra while cross-dressed as her maid, and she said yes!
PRINCESS SHARRA: I mean, marrying Diarmuid at least won't be boring ...?
JENNIFER: On the other bright side, Kevin's heroic sacrifice has made me realize that life is short and sex is great! Hey, Arthur -- what do you think, should we go for it?
KING ARTHUR: It would be nice to have some fun before my inevitable tragic death.
(GUY GAVRIEL KAY: Don't get too comfy! Remember: the inevitable tragic threesome is THE SADDEST STORY EVER TOLD.
CONSTANT READER: I mean ... I'm pretty sad thinking about Kevin's poor Jewish dad, and ...
GUY GAVRIEL KAY: THE SADDEST.)
Anyway, now the winter is broken! Which means that, 3/4 of the way through this book, the war on Sauron can actually begin.
Dave heads off with his nomad bros, and gets into a classic epic battle, and then summons the Wild Hunt, which promptly starts killing everyone until the Goddess of the Hunt turns up to tell them to chill out.
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Hey, you know that time when I played cliff/shag/marry, random Canadian dude edition, with the Great Mother Goddess --
DAVE: ...
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Luckily for you, I'm not that into the cliff or the marry parts! Also, you will notice I have healed your wounds. For reasons. :D?
DAVE: I don't know why my fantasy adventure is going like five million times better than anybody else's in this book, but I WILL ROLL WITH IT.
Meanwhile, Wizard Loren and Matt the Ex-King of the Dwarves and Paul and King Arthur and Diarmuid all head off in a boat to a mysterious island where an evil wizard is hanging out with the Black Cauldron raising the dead. Before they get there, though, they hit a TERRIBLE SEA MONSTER ... which sings with BEAUTIFUL ELVEN VOICES ...
PAUL: Oh, shit. You know how the elves --
WIZARD LOREN: You mean the lios alfar?
PAUL: You know how the lios alfar hear a song and then sail across to the West instead of dying, exactly like Tolkien elves?
WIZARD LOREN: Yes, I do know this ...
PAUL: Pretty sure that none of them actually made it to the West. Pretty sure that, in fact, every single one of them was instead EATEN BY THIS SEA MONSTER.
WIZARD LOREN: ...dude, you OK? You want a handkerchief?
PAUL: It's just ... so sad .....! THE POOR ELVES. ;____;
WIZARD LOREN: Dang, when Odin Mornir made it rain in your heart, he really opened up the floodgates, didn't he.......
But they make it past the sea monster, and hit up the island, and come up against the evil wizard, and --
KING ARTHUR: Oh hey I bet this is the part where I die! :D
-- but instead Matt the ex-King of the Dwarves dies.
KING ARTHUR: Fine, whatever. As a sidenote, I just remembered: this island is where the greatest dead warriors of history live! You can wake them up if you know their names.
PAUL: That's an interesting historical footnote.
KING ARTHUR: Guess which dead warrior of history I'm gonna go raise from the dead!
PAUL: ...you know, no one actually asked you to, and you seem really stressed about this threesome thing, so maybe you should --
KING ARTHUR: No no, it's fine, it's for the greater good.
PAUL: Are you sure? Because Jennifer's been through a lot this trilogy, and honestly, we have a lot of really good warriors, Dave's really into his axe --
KING ARTHUR: No, no, I insist! HEY LANCELOT!
LANCELOT: Hey babe I am here and I am awake and I am READY to TRAGIC THREESOME IT UP.
KING ARTHUR: SADDEST STORY EVER.
LANCELOT: HECK YEAH.
LANCELOT: BTW, do I see a dead heroic dwarf over there? Just gonna bring him back to life, I guess. No big.
MATT THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: I'm very confused about everything that's just happened.
PAUL: You are not alone, my friend.
THUS ENDS THE SECOND BOOK OF THE FIONAVAR TAPESTRY. Coming up next: endless, endless tragedy. Saddest of all the long tales ever told.
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So in The Summer Tree, our five Canadian law student protagonists had a bunch of traumatizing adventures in Middle Earth Fionavar and then bounced back to Canada just as the Epic Battle Against Sauron Evil was about to begin!
When The Wandering Fire opens they're all ... kind of still hanging out in Canada. Doing law internships. Twiddling their thumbs.
KEVIN: So Kim! Buddy! Fionavar's newest magical Seer! Have you seen a way to get us back to Fionavar yet?
KIM: Not since the last time you asked, no.
DAVE: How about now?
KIM: ... still no.
PAUL: Now?
KIM: ... Paul, you also came out of Fionavar with special god powers, so why are you even asking me?!
PAUL: Funny thing about special god powers: they do not come with a guidebook.
KEVIN: Anyway, how's Jennifer?
KIM: Still suffering major PTSD ... still planning to go ahead with having Sauron's baby despite how many times I gently remind her that we are all pro-choice here ...
PAUL: Maybe I'll go try and talk to her.
KIM: Sure, Mr. 'I Don't Feel Feelings, My Heart Is A Desert,' go see what you can do.
PAUL: So Jennifer I hear you are planning on having Sauron's baby! Just to check in, so you know, we're all --
JENNIFER: YES I am AWARE that we are all pro-choice here and my choice is to HAVE THIS DAMN BABY. OK? OK.
PAUL: And you are aware that it may be an evil baby. I'm just checking in.
JENNIFER: Sure. It could be an evil baby. It could also be a superpowered baby who's gonna hella fuck Sauron up for me. I'm willing to roll those dice.
PAUL: ... well, OK, you seem committed and like you know your own mind! Want to go check out the new print show at a museum and not think about evil babies?
JENNIFER: That sounds nice and not at all ominous!
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: HELLO I am here at the MUSEUM to KILL you both, especially JENNIFER and her POSSIBLY EVIL or POSSIBLY SUPERPOWERED BABY!
PAUL: One of these days I will kill you, Galadan! ... but today I still don't have a manual for my superpowers so we're going with option B: run away to Fionavar! Somehow!
JENNIFER: Hey, Paul ... so, um, apparently traveling through worlds is a good way to bring on premature labor ...
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: Hello, um, what are you doing at my front door?
JENNIFER: So I was here like a year ago, and I happened to overhear a prophetess say that your teenaged son was doomed to have some kind of tragic destiny?
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: ...er, yes...
JENNIFER: So I thought, hey, you know who probably wants a NEW baby? A woman whose son is doomed to a tragic destiny! Amirite?
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: ...um.....
JENNIFER: PS, there is like a 50% chance this baby's going to be evil? But I'm sure if you take good care of him it'll be FINE. Good luck, have fun, no pressure or anything, we're off back to Canada now!
PAUL: Well, this was ...certainly one way of taking care of the possibly-evil baby problem....
A VERY UNLUCKY FIONAVARAN LADY: Finn, meet ... your new baby brother, I guess ...?
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: HE'S ADORABLE. *____*
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: *burble*
So Paul and Jennifer bounce back to Canada, where they all twiddle their thumbs some more until Kim FINALLY has a vision.
KIM: OK, here's the plan: we're going to go break into Stonehenge and raise King Uther Pendragon from the dead!
DAVE: ....why?
KIM: So that he can tell us how to raise King Arthur from the dead! Everyone in? Dave, I know you just got that prestigious law fellowship --
DAVE: Eh, screw that prestigious law fellowship, I have things to hit with an axe.
KEVIN: Wow, you really did have personal growth, Dave! Meanwhile, I am definitely in, because I got laid all the time in Fionavar and I have not gotten laid forever.
DAVE: ...for the record, I have not had so much personal growth that I cannot still be 200% done with you Kevin Laine.
I could at this point describe the team's thrilling breaking-into-Stonehenge adventures, but instead you can all just go watch the classic Ylvis music video Stonehenge and get pretty much the same effect. God, it is the greatest henge of all.
Anyway! Kim wakes King Arthur from the dead and they have a nice sad chat about how King Arthur always gets reincarnated for doomed battles and there's an angsty love triangle EVERY TIME and then he always DIES and Arthur is just kind of done with it already? BUT HE CAN NEVER BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY.
KIM: No, it's cool though! We definitely don't have a Guinevere or a Lancelot in this story!
KING ARTHUR: That's what you think. Oh, well, at least I'll probably die pretty soon.
(GUY GAVRIEL KAY: Just FYI, this thing with King Arthur and the tragic threesome is the saddest of all the stories ever told.
CONSTANT READER: ...really? Because, like, what's happened to Jennifer is pretty shitty, and so is the Tale of Finn's Poor, Poor Mother, Unluckiest Mom in Fionavar --
GUY GAVRIEL KAY: The saddest.)
Back in Fionavar: everyone's super excited to see their favorite Canadians again --
DAVE'S NOMAD BROS: Hey! It's Dave with the axe! YO DAVE!
DAVE: Bros, I missed you all so much!
DAVE'S NOMAD BROS: Bro!
DAVE: This is so much more fun than a prestigious law internship.
Especially Superpowered Seer Kim and Paul the Avatar Of Odin Mornir --
WIZARD LOREN: So now that you're back you can figure out how to help us break this ENDLESS MAGICAL WINTER we've been dealing with for the past year, right?
KIM: Ummmmmmm.
PAUL: Ummmmmmmmmmm.
KIM: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
WIZARD LOREN: By the way, what's up with Jennifer, she seems kind of bummed?
PAUL: Certainly nothing to do with possibly-evil babies living down the street from us, why do you ask?
-- but everyone rapidly become distracted by Princess Sharra's dad turning up with an army to join the War Against Evil.
SHARRA'S DAD: I'm gonna turn up looking AWESOME and totally take charge of this war!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Joke's on you, I totally knew you were coming the whole time!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Joke's double on you, I didn't know you were coming and whipped up the super fanciest welcome ceremony in two hours flat anyway!
SHARRA'S DAD: >.<
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Also, what do you want to bet your super-babe daughter is hanging out cross-dressed in your army?
PRINCESS SHARRA: Joke's on YOU, Hot and Irresponsible Diarmuid, I'm cross-dressed and hanging out in your army! And I must say I don't think much of your national security if random princesses can just pop up in your army any time they feel like it. For all you know I might be planning to stab you or something! LOL.
KIM: God, I love that woman.
KIM: So, uh, while we're all here, King Aileron, King Sharra's Dad, may I present King Arthur?
KING ARTHUR: Don't worry, I'll probably die pretty soon. I always do.
KING SHARRA'S DAD: Well, aren't you a bundle of cheer.
KIM: Hey, Jennifer, did you meet King --
KING ARTHUR: ...fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
So it turns out that in ADDITION to all the other fun she's had in Fionavar, Jennifer is the reincarnation of Queen Guinevere!
KIM: Well ... I guess that explains why you were always the most beautiful woman in the country ....? Um.
JENNIFER: FORTUNATELY, I'm so depressed and traumatized still about everything else I've been through, I'm not even interested in any love triangle nonsense! Have a nice life, Arthur!
KING ARTHUR: But ... what about our destined tragic love .....?
JENNIFER: Eh.
KING ARTHUR: You know what, it's fine, I WILL PROBABLY DIE SOON ANYWAY.
Pursuant to this, King Arthur and Kim both start peering around suspiciously for Lancelot, and both Hot and Irresponsible Diarmuid and Aileron the Less Hot but Also Less Irresponsible start desperately shouting 'not it, NOT IT.'
DAVE: So, on a total sidenote, remember when a goddess gave me this magical horn? Who feels like going on a field trip to wake the Wild Hunt?
DAVE'S NOMAD BLOOD BROS: Hell yeah Wild Hunt field triiiip!
KIM: I'm not sure this is such a good idea ... but what the heck, why not!
So they wake the Wild Hunt! Alas, it turns out the Wild Hunt is pissy because they are missing their ninth rider, who is supposed to be a teenage boy.
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: Well, I guess I hear my tragic destiny calling! Goodbye, Mom! Goodbye, possibly evil baby brother! I'm OFF TO JOIN THE WILD HUNT.
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: Mommy where did my big brother go :( :( :( :(
(I forgot to mention that possibly evil babies half-Sauron babies grow up way faster than normal babies. Possibly Evil Baby Darien is now like six.)
PAUL: Crap, what if baby Darien's abandonment issues make him turn evil? Possibly we should have thought of this when we selected the House of Tragic Destiny to raise him in. I'd better go check in for emotional support.
KIM: Sure, Mr. 'I Don't Have Feelings, My Heart Is A Desert, Definitely Awesome With Kids,' go see what you can do.
PAUL: ...so....Darien.....it seems.....you're sad......?
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: ....I WANT MY BIG BROTHER. :( :( :(
PAUL: -- OK, you know what, maybe this will be easier if Darien's not a six-year-old anymore. Let's encourage him to magically age up to a teenager, that will probably help!
POSSIBLY EVIL BABY DARIEN: Guess what, I'm now a teenager and I hate everyone and everything.
PAUL: .......in retrospect this might not have been such a good idea.
POSSIBLY EVIL TEENAGE DARIEN: No one CARES about me! You're not my REAL dad! Get out, get out, get out!!!
CERNAN, GOD OF THE HUNT: Yo, that's Sauron's kid? Why was he not killed at birth?
POSSIBLY EVIL TEENAGED DARIEN: You know what, if nobody wants me, maybe I'll just go hang out with MY DAD SAURON. What about THAT.
PAUL: Great, at least someone has said something even less helpful to this kid than I did.
PAUL: So, Jennifer, funny story ... about your possibly-evil kid ........
JENNIFER: Eh.
PAUL: ????
JENNIFER: Did you miss the part where I'm too traumatized and depressed to care about anything?
PAUL: I thought I fixed that with fun museum trips. :(
JENNIFER: ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIEST: I just got a psychic priestess message! Wolves are attacking the main priestess temple!
And lo, they all go forth to attack the wolves, and Dave is pretty good at wolf-slaying, and Dave's nomad bros are also pretty good at wolf-slaying, and Arthur is super good at wolf-slaying, and Diarmuid is even more super good at wolf-slaying, and Aileron is so super good at wolf-slaying that Guy Gavriel Kay basically runs out of adjectives and superlatives, and then Arthur starts squinting suspiciously and Aileron has to do the "NO SERIOUSLY NOT LANCELOT I SWEAR" dance some more.
KEVIN: So, hey guys, I gotta say, I'm feeling ... kind of superfluous on this trip? I mean, Paul has his avatar-of-the-God thing, and Kim has her Seer thing, and Jennifer has her evil baby and Guinevere thing, and Dave has his --
DAVE: I have an axe!
KEVIN: -- and Dave has his axe, and I ... have not really been doing anything ... I'm not even good at sports particularly?
KIM: Um, well, Kevin, at least you're still really good at sex ....?
KEVIN: >:(
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: Hey, fun fact about this temple: did I mention that even though it's eternal winter, right now it's technically Midsummer, when we have a regular symbolic ritual about a dude sacrificing himself to have symbolic sex with the Goddess and bring the summer back?
KEVIN: *lightbulb!*
(MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE WHERE THE GODS HANG OUT, PROBABLY
THE GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Hey, Mother Goddess, cliff/shag/marry, random Canadian dude edition?
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Definitely cliff Kevin, shag Kevin, marry Kevin.
THE GODDESS OF THE HUNT: I'm not sure you understand how to play this game...)
So Kevin treks out to the symbolic cliff, and symbolically leaps off, and has a whole ton of really fantastic symbolic sex with the Great Mother Goddess, and breaks the endless winter! And then goes splat.
KEVIN, IN HIS LAST THOUGHT: I am so glad I am going to be too dead to explain this whole pagan marriage/sex/sacrifice thing to my extremely Jewish father.
PAUL: WTF! Kevin, I cannot BELIEVE you just went and sacrificed yourself to a Fionavaran deity to break an unnatural weather phenomenon!!!
KEVIN, IN THE AFTERLIFE, PROBABLY: Never has the phrase 'pot, kettle' been more accurate.
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: Paul, I know he was your friend, and I am sorry for your loss.
PAUL: WHAT WOULD A MAN-HATING JERKASS HIGH PRIESTESS KNOW ABOUT MY LOSS
JAELLE: ...well, that was uncalled-for.
KIM: What I want to know is, who's going to explain this whole pagan marriage/sex/sacrifice thing to his extremely Jewish father? Because I call not it.
DIARMUID: On the bright side, I proposed to Princess Sharra while cross-dressed as her maid, and she said yes!
PRINCESS SHARRA: I mean, marrying Diarmuid at least won't be boring ...?
JENNIFER: On the other bright side, Kevin's heroic sacrifice has made me realize that life is short and sex is great! Hey, Arthur -- what do you think, should we go for it?
KING ARTHUR: It would be nice to have some fun before my inevitable tragic death.
(GUY GAVRIEL KAY: Don't get too comfy! Remember: the inevitable tragic threesome is THE SADDEST STORY EVER TOLD.
CONSTANT READER: I mean ... I'm pretty sad thinking about Kevin's poor Jewish dad, and ...
GUY GAVRIEL KAY: THE SADDEST.)
Anyway, now the winter is broken! Which means that, 3/4 of the way through this book, the war on Sauron can actually begin.
Dave heads off with his nomad bros, and gets into a classic epic battle, and then summons the Wild Hunt, which promptly starts killing everyone until the Goddess of the Hunt turns up to tell them to chill out.
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Hey, you know that time when I played cliff/shag/marry, random Canadian dude edition, with the Great Mother Goddess --
DAVE: ...
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Luckily for you, I'm not that into the cliff or the marry parts! Also, you will notice I have healed your wounds. For reasons. :D?
DAVE: I don't know why my fantasy adventure is going like five million times better than anybody else's in this book, but I WILL ROLL WITH IT.
Meanwhile, Wizard Loren and Matt the Ex-King of the Dwarves and Paul and King Arthur and Diarmuid all head off in a boat to a mysterious island where an evil wizard is hanging out with the Black Cauldron raising the dead. Before they get there, though, they hit a TERRIBLE SEA MONSTER ... which sings with BEAUTIFUL ELVEN VOICES ...
PAUL: Oh, shit. You know how the elves --
WIZARD LOREN: You mean the lios alfar?
PAUL: You know how the lios alfar hear a song and then sail across to the West instead of dying, exactly like Tolkien elves?
WIZARD LOREN: Yes, I do know this ...
PAUL: Pretty sure that none of them actually made it to the West. Pretty sure that, in fact, every single one of them was instead EATEN BY THIS SEA MONSTER.
WIZARD LOREN: ...dude, you OK? You want a handkerchief?
PAUL: It's just ... so sad .....! THE POOR ELVES. ;____;
WIZARD LOREN: Dang, when Odin Mornir made it rain in your heart, he really opened up the floodgates, didn't he.......
But they make it past the sea monster, and hit up the island, and come up against the evil wizard, and --
KING ARTHUR: Oh hey I bet this is the part where I die! :D
-- but instead Matt the ex-King of the Dwarves dies.
KING ARTHUR: Fine, whatever. As a sidenote, I just remembered: this island is where the greatest dead warriors of history live! You can wake them up if you know their names.
PAUL: That's an interesting historical footnote.
KING ARTHUR: Guess which dead warrior of history I'm gonna go raise from the dead!
PAUL: ...you know, no one actually asked you to, and you seem really stressed about this threesome thing, so maybe you should --
KING ARTHUR: No no, it's fine, it's for the greater good.
PAUL: Are you sure? Because Jennifer's been through a lot this trilogy, and honestly, we have a lot of really good warriors, Dave's really into his axe --
KING ARTHUR: No, no, I insist! HEY LANCELOT!
LANCELOT: Hey babe I am here and I am awake and I am READY to TRAGIC THREESOME IT UP.
KING ARTHUR: SADDEST STORY EVER.
LANCELOT: HECK YEAH.
LANCELOT: BTW, do I see a dead heroic dwarf over there? Just gonna bring him back to life, I guess. No big.
MATT THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: I'm very confused about everything that's just happened.
PAUL: You are not alone, my friend.
THUS ENDS THE SECOND BOOK OF THE FIONAVAR TAPESTRY. Coming up next: endless, endless tragedy. Saddest of all the long tales ever told.
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