(no subject)
So once upon a time a young Canadian philosophy student named Guy Gavriel Kay got hired to help Christopher Tolkien sort out the Silmarillion. Then he went home to Canada, became a lawyer, and decided to write an epic self-insert trilogy in which a bunch of Canadian law students encounter EVERY RIDICULOUS FANTASY TROPE that the Silmarillion contains, thrown into a blender with some Welsh mythology, some Arthuriana, some Dorothy Dunnett, and basically everything else that GGK ever encountered and thought was kind of cool.
The result was the Fionavar Tapestry. It is hugely dramatic and deeply ridiculous and tropetastic up the wazoo and I love it with a GREAT AND TERRIBLE PASSION.
Anyway it struck me recently that it had been about ten years since I reread the trilogy, and that I had never really written here very much about it, and all of a sudden both of these were things that I needed to do IMMEDIATELY.
...we're gonna start with The Summer Tree, since if I try to do all three at once this is going to take a million years.
So The Summer Tree begins with our five protagonists hanging out at an academic lecture at the University of Toronto:
KEVIN, the funny one who is really good having sex
PAUL, Kevin's BFF, who has a dead girlfriend and is laden with manpain about it
JENNIFER, Kevin's ex, apparently the most beautiful woman in Canada
KIM, Jennifer's roommate, the other funny one
DAVE, who doesn't know any of these people but Kevin, and doesn't like him, and is already 100% done with this book
Immediately the lecture is done they are whisked away by the lecturer, Lorenzo, and his faithful dwarf sidekick.
WIZARD LOREN: So, hey, funny story: although you know me as famous academic Lorenzo, actually I am a wizard named Loren from an alternate universe, and this is my soulbonded magical partner, the ex-king of the dwarves.
MATT, THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: Yo.
KIM: Wait, OK, hang on, real questions time: if you don't even live in this universe, how did you have time to become a world-famous academic who can fill a packed lecture hall during summer vacation?
WIZARD LOREN: That's not important now. What's important is that I've come to bring five people back with me for our king's anniversary party! Who's in? You'll get two weeks in fantasyland on Narnia time and won't lose any time here, it'll be a blast!
KEVIN, PAUL, JENNIFER AND KIM: Sure, why not?
DAVE: Um, this sounds .... impossible and weird ... and I don't actually like any of you ... and there's a big exam coming up .... so think I'm gonna go? I think I'm just gonna go.
KEVIN: But think about having two extra weeks to study for that big upcoming law exam!
DAVE: >:(
KEVIN: Also, I aced it last year, and I'll lend you my notes.
DAVE, WHO IS BY NOW AT LEAST 200% DONE WITH THIS BOOK: Fine, whatever.
So they all get magically portaled through into the main palace in Middle-Earth Fionavar!
KEVIN: Crap, crap, where's Dave?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmmm it seems like we accidentally lost him in transit. It's OK, he'll be around Fionavar somewhere! We'll find him eventually.
KEVIN: Man, he's gonna be at least 300% done with everything by the time we catch up with him. Oh, well, at least he's got my legal notes to work on.
But in the meantime everyone has other things to worry about, like Francis Crawford of Lymond Prince Hal Diarmuid, the hot and irresponsible drunken son of the king!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey, yo, hey, nice to meet you .... hey, baby.
JENNIFER: .... nope!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh, well, can't blame a guy for trying. Yo, Kevin, Paul, wanna come with me and my merry band of miscreants on a hazardous and probably life-threatening adventure tomorrow?
KEVIN: ...sure, I guess?
PAUL: I don't actually care whether I live or die, so that sounds fine to me.
WIZARD LOREN: So, Your Majesty, here are the people I brought back from the other world for your party, and --
THE KING: We are in the middle of an enormous drought, my oldest son is exiled, I'm like ninety years old, and I think Sauron the great evil below the mountain is probably rising again, sooooo this is not my highest priority right now, but thanks! Do any of them play chess?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmm I don't think ...
PAUL: I'm really good at chess. I'm really good at everything, actually. Except feelings.
THE KING: ... great! Symbolic chess game tonight, then!
So Paul and the King have a game of symbolic chess, during which Paul happens to learn, entirely coincidentally, that traditionally the way to break the drought is for the king to hang himself up on a tree for three days and nights as a human sacrifice! And the king's oldest son is exiled because the king wouldn't let him turn himself into tree sacrifice!
PAUL: Sorry about your draught, dude. I get it; I have a drought inside my heart.
KEVIN: You know, buddy, I know you're sad about your dead girlfriend, but you could just cry it out --
PAUL: I CAN NEVER CRY.
Now that Paul's manpain has again been established, Kevin and Paul are free to head off with Diarmuid and his merry band of miscreants.
KEVIN: So, um ... where are we actually going?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: We're going to descend a four-hundred-foot cliff, cross a deadly river, and infiltrate a neighboring kingdom!
KEVIN: ...why ......?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: So I can seduce the Princess Sharra, awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: And you guys are all cool with risking your lives so Diarmuid can get laid?
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISCREANTS: Of course we are! Awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: Paul, are you OK with risking your life so Diarmuid can get laid ....?
PAUL: I still don't care if I live or die, so this still sounds fine to me.
Meanwhile, Kim has gotten carried off by the local seer!
YSANNE THE SEER: Yer a seer, Kim!
KIM: Wait, how do you know?
YSANNE THE SEER: Um, because ... I saw it ...
KIM: Oh yeah.
YSANNE THE SEER: Please come with me to have everything tragic that's ever happened in this kingdom magically infodumped upon you and then take charge of an ancient and terrible magic.
KIM: But...I'm supposed to be the funny one...!
YSANNE: Not anymore.
So Kim has an extremely dramatic night, over the course of which her hair goes WHITE and she gains all kinds of TERRIBLE KNOWLEDGE, and then Ysanne kills herself and gives her soul to Kim so that Kim can have even MORE knowledge and guide the kingdom in the dark days to come!
KIM: ...seriously? I literally just got here two days ago!
Meanwhile meanwhile, Jennifer is hanging out in the palace like "welp ... all my friends are off doing plot things, so .... guess I'm going to ... make friends with some local ladies in waiting or something ...... ?"
JAELLE, THE ANGRY MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: You could make friends with me!
JENNIFER: ...nah, I think I'm gonna go on a picnic with a lady-in-waiting instead.
Along the way, she bumps into some elves lios alfar, who are beautiful and golden and tall and sail off to the West and we're just going to call them elves, OK?
SOME ELVES: Normally we don't like hanging out with humans, but dang, you are almost beautiful enough to be an elf. Can we join your picnic?
JENNIFER: OK! :)
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Except I am here to turn your picnic into a picnic of murder and carry you off to Sauron the great evil below the mountain!
JENNIFER: Why me??
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: I dunno, that's what you get for being the most beautiful woman in Canada?
JENNIFER: And who are you even?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Oh, just a half-divine dude who turns into a wolf and wants to destroy everything.
JENNIFER: And why do you want to destroy everything
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Because once ... a long time ago .... a girl dumped me.
Alas, none of Jennifer's friends know for like two days that she's been carried off by the ultimate evil, because Kim is still busy learning the entire tragical-epical history of Fionavar and being traumatized, and Kevin and Paul are on their way back from Diarmuid's Mission O'Seduction.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Now that I have successfully tricked Princess Sharra into sleeping with me, a decision that will certainly have no repercussions whatsoever, it's time for a barfight! And then we can all get laid!
KEVIN: Aww yeah, finally, something I am good at!
However, just when Kevin is done with one round of amazing sex with a barmaid, he is interrupted by ... another, weeping barmaid!
KEVIN: Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you went off to bang Paul?
WEEPING BARMAID: Man, I tried, but it was bad sex, and he was just so sad about his dead girlfriend, so I started crying, and then he was like 'look, if you want good sex, go to Kevin,' so ... here I am ......?
KEVIN: Oh my god, Paul, you can't just send girls to me for good sex every time you make them cry!
PAUL: Uh, I don't see why not.
KEVIN: Seriously, dude, just cry it out! JUST CRY IT OUT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
PAUL: I can never cry and I can never feel feelings.
KEVIN: You know what, I'm so annoyed I'm gonna play the song I wrote for your dead girlfriend, how about that? Are you gonna cry now?
PAUL: You know what, no! You know what, I'm just gonna go sacrifice myself to Odin Mornir on the sacrifice tree to make it rain! How do you like me now?
KEVIN: This is a VERY DISPROPORTIONATE REACTION, PAUL!
PAUL: MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE IT RAIN INSIDE MY HEART, KEVIN!
Because what Kevin does not know is that not only did Paul's girlfriend tragically die -- she tragically died in a car crash, when Paul was driving, right after she dumped him! And for this, Paul cannot forgive himself, because what if he crashed the car accidentally-on-purpose? What if.
So Paul goes and hangs himself crankily up on the tree, where he has a very eventful three nights:
AILERON, THE KING'S OLDER, LESS IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT ALSO LESS HOT SON: I can't believe you stole my death! What an asshole.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: While I respect this noble suicide over a girl dumping you, might I recommend trying to destroy everything instead?
A MAGICAL PUPPY DOG: *does not say anything, because it's not actually a talking magical puppy dog, but fights off Galadan when he tries to murder Paul, so that's helpful*
THE GREAT GOD ODIN MORNIR: Have some rain! Also, some rain in your heart.
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Thank you for your noble sacrifice. As a present, let me tell you: you did not purposefully kill your girlfriend! You're welcome.
PAUL: YES OK GREAT I will happily cry myself to death now. :D
THE GREAT GOD ODIN MORNIR: Oh also, since you were so noble, you get to come back to life as my avatar! You're welcome.
PAUL: ... not sure if want ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: I cannot BELIEVE you, a man, got to talk to the Mother Goddess.
PAUL: Um, I ... have been on a tree for three days, starving and dying of exposure, so ... could I maybe get something to eat and drink before we have this argument ....?
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: NO YOU CANNOT.
Meanwhile, poor Kevin makes it back to court.
WIZARD LOREN: OK, so here's the news. The king just died, our other chief wizard is a traitor, and lots of other bad shit is probably going to start going down any second now. Also, Paul's spent three nights crying and dying on a tree, Jennifer got kidnapped by Sauron the evil under the mountain and is experiencing unutterable suffering, Kim's our new harbinger of doom, and Dave is still missing.
KEVIN: ...GREAT.
WIZARD LOREN: The good news is, we just heard Paul's still alive and hanging out at the High Priestess' temple?
KEVIN: WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.
It's at around this point that Dave turns up again!
KEVIN: OMG, Dave, we ... huh, we expected you to be about 400% done with everything by now, but you actually look pretty chill.
DAVE, NOW ONLY LIKE 25% DONE WITH EVERYTHING, IF THAT: Oh, man, it's been great, I hooked up with some fantasy nomads, and we broed out, and they gave me an axe, and then we became blood brothers, and then a forest goddess said she thought I was cute, and she gave me a magical horn, and I got over like at least 75% of my anger management issues, and -- anyway, how've you guys been?
KEVIN: .....
KIM: .......
PAUL: ........
DAVE: Ummmm. Well, let me lighten the mood. Kevin, here's your study notes back! Thanks for the loaner!
KEVIN: Oh my god, you made -- a joke ....? And it was funny .........? Now I know the end of the world is nigh.
WIZARD LOREN: Anyway now it's time to crown the exiled, less irresponsible, but more awkward son as king!
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISFITS: Wait, hang on, actually, Diarmuid is the heir, so ...
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Step down, Diarmuid! My time has come! This is my war!
PAUL: What an asshole.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: Excuse me?
PAUL: Look, if my experience with manpain has taught me anything, it's that it's kind of dumb to make it all about you? All of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES -- well, except Dave, who seems to have had a pretty cool time, all things considered -- but anyway, all the rest of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES, and so have a bunch of other people. Share the war, Aileron. Sharing is caring.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: ...OK, I get it, but I will still be a better king than Diarmuid, so --
DIARMUID: I --
PRINCESS SHARRA: Hiiiiii-ya!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: ...???
THE ENTIRE COURT: ...???
PRINCESS SHARRA: I am here to murder Diarmuid! For my honor!!!!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: ... ah, yes, so, um, about that ... isn't it nice that Sharra's turned up to negotiate in the war council on behalf of her kingdom?
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Diarmuid, she literally just stabbed you.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: A small misunderstanding! Could happen to anyone. OKAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, I abdicate the throne, Aileron you can have it, I'm gonna go get drunk now.
KIM: ...this is clearly a lady I want to get to know. Sharra, let's get drinks!
Later that night, Diarmuid comes and tries to climb into their room, and they dump buckets of cold water on his head.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: >:(
PRINCESS SHARRA: Kim, you are hilarious.
KIM: Aw yeah, still got it!
So now that all that's been sorted, it's probably time to deal with the important business of waging war on evil. However, just as they're about to start dealing with that, Kim's magical artifact goes off!
KIM: My magic ring says Jennifer's in trouble!
JENNIFER: YES I AM STILL SUFFERING RAPE, TORTURE, AND UNSPEAKABLE MENTAL TORMENT AT THE HANDS OF SAURON OVER HERE, THANKS FOR REMEMBERING.
KIM: OK, I think I can use this magical artifact to get us all home and thus rescue Jennifer, sorry if you were hoping to have us to help out with the war with all our newfound magical powers and artifacts and significance, see you guys later, byeeeeeeeee!
AND EVERYONE DITCHES MIDDLE EARTH AND GOES BACK TO TORONTO, THE END. (Until the next book.)
This entry is cross-posted at Livejournal from http://skygiants.dreamwidth.org/414129.html. Please feel free to comment here or there! There are currently
comments on Dreamwidth.
The result was the Fionavar Tapestry. It is hugely dramatic and deeply ridiculous and tropetastic up the wazoo and I love it with a GREAT AND TERRIBLE PASSION.
Anyway it struck me recently that it had been about ten years since I reread the trilogy, and that I had never really written here very much about it, and all of a sudden both of these were things that I needed to do IMMEDIATELY.
...we're gonna start with The Summer Tree, since if I try to do all three at once this is going to take a million years.
So The Summer Tree begins with our five protagonists hanging out at an academic lecture at the University of Toronto:
KEVIN, the funny one who is really good having sex
PAUL, Kevin's BFF, who has a dead girlfriend and is laden with manpain about it
JENNIFER, Kevin's ex, apparently the most beautiful woman in Canada
KIM, Jennifer's roommate, the other funny one
DAVE, who doesn't know any of these people but Kevin, and doesn't like him, and is already 100% done with this book
Immediately the lecture is done they are whisked away by the lecturer, Lorenzo, and his faithful dwarf sidekick.
WIZARD LOREN: So, hey, funny story: although you know me as famous academic Lorenzo, actually I am a wizard named Loren from an alternate universe, and this is my soulbonded magical partner, the ex-king of the dwarves.
MATT, THE EX-KING OF THE DWARVES: Yo.
KIM: Wait, OK, hang on, real questions time: if you don't even live in this universe, how did you have time to become a world-famous academic who can fill a packed lecture hall during summer vacation?
WIZARD LOREN: That's not important now. What's important is that I've come to bring five people back with me for our king's anniversary party! Who's in? You'll get two weeks in fantasyland on Narnia time and won't lose any time here, it'll be a blast!
KEVIN, PAUL, JENNIFER AND KIM: Sure, why not?
DAVE: Um, this sounds .... impossible and weird ... and I don't actually like any of you ... and there's a big exam coming up .... so think I'm gonna go? I think I'm just gonna go.
KEVIN: But think about having two extra weeks to study for that big upcoming law exam!
DAVE: >:(
KEVIN: Also, I aced it last year, and I'll lend you my notes.
DAVE, WHO IS BY NOW AT LEAST 200% DONE WITH THIS BOOK: Fine, whatever.
So they all get magically portaled through into the main palace in Middle-Earth Fionavar!
KEVIN: Crap, crap, where's Dave?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmmm it seems like we accidentally lost him in transit. It's OK, he'll be around Fionavar somewhere! We'll find him eventually.
KEVIN: Man, he's gonna be at least 300% done with everything by the time we catch up with him. Oh, well, at least he's got my legal notes to work on.
But in the meantime everyone has other things to worry about, like Francis Crawford of Lymond Prince Hal Diarmuid, the hot and irresponsible drunken son of the king!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey, yo, hey, nice to meet you .... hey, baby.
JENNIFER: .... nope!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh, well, can't blame a guy for trying. Yo, Kevin, Paul, wanna come with me and my merry band of miscreants on a hazardous and probably life-threatening adventure tomorrow?
KEVIN: ...sure, I guess?
PAUL: I don't actually care whether I live or die, so that sounds fine to me.
WIZARD LOREN: So, Your Majesty, here are the people I brought back from the other world for your party, and --
THE KING: We are in the middle of an enormous drought, my oldest son is exiled, I'm like ninety years old, and I think Sauron the great evil below the mountain is probably rising again, sooooo this is not my highest priority right now, but thanks! Do any of them play chess?
WIZARD LOREN: Ummmm I don't think ...
PAUL: I'm really good at chess. I'm really good at everything, actually. Except feelings.
THE KING: ... great! Symbolic chess game tonight, then!
So Paul and the King have a game of symbolic chess, during which Paul happens to learn, entirely coincidentally, that traditionally the way to break the drought is for the king to hang himself up on a tree for three days and nights as a human sacrifice! And the king's oldest son is exiled because the king wouldn't let him turn himself into tree sacrifice!
PAUL: Sorry about your draught, dude. I get it; I have a drought inside my heart.
KEVIN: You know, buddy, I know you're sad about your dead girlfriend, but you could just cry it out --
PAUL: I CAN NEVER CRY.
Now that Paul's manpain has again been established, Kevin and Paul are free to head off with Diarmuid and his merry band of miscreants.
KEVIN: So, um ... where are we actually going?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: We're going to descend a four-hundred-foot cliff, cross a deadly river, and infiltrate a neighboring kingdom!
KEVIN: ...why ......?
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: So I can seduce the Princess Sharra, awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: And you guys are all cool with risking your lives so Diarmuid can get laid?
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISCREANTS: Of course we are! Awwww yeah, up high!
KEVIN: Paul, are you OK with risking your life so Diarmuid can get laid ....?
PAUL: I still don't care if I live or die, so this still sounds fine to me.
Meanwhile, Kim has gotten carried off by the local seer!
YSANNE THE SEER: Yer a seer, Kim!
KIM: Wait, how do you know?
YSANNE THE SEER: Um, because ... I saw it ...
KIM: Oh yeah.
YSANNE THE SEER: Please come with me to have everything tragic that's ever happened in this kingdom magically infodumped upon you and then take charge of an ancient and terrible magic.
KIM: But...I'm supposed to be the funny one...!
YSANNE: Not anymore.
So Kim has an extremely dramatic night, over the course of which her hair goes WHITE and she gains all kinds of TERRIBLE KNOWLEDGE, and then Ysanne kills herself and gives her soul to Kim so that Kim can have even MORE knowledge and guide the kingdom in the dark days to come!
KIM: ...seriously? I literally just got here two days ago!
Meanwhile meanwhile, Jennifer is hanging out in the palace like "welp ... all my friends are off doing plot things, so .... guess I'm going to ... make friends with some local ladies in waiting or something ...... ?"
JAELLE, THE ANGRY MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: You could make friends with me!
JENNIFER: ...nah, I think I'm gonna go on a picnic with a lady-in-waiting instead.
Along the way, she bumps into some elves lios alfar, who are beautiful and golden and tall and sail off to the West and we're just going to call them elves, OK?
SOME ELVES: Normally we don't like hanging out with humans, but dang, you are almost beautiful enough to be an elf. Can we join your picnic?
JENNIFER: OK! :)
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Except I am here to turn your picnic into a picnic of murder and carry you off to Sauron the great evil below the mountain!
JENNIFER: Why me??
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: I dunno, that's what you get for being the most beautiful woman in Canada?
JENNIFER: And who are you even?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Oh, just a half-divine dude who turns into a wolf and wants to destroy everything.
JENNIFER: And why do you want to destroy everything
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Because once ... a long time ago .... a girl dumped me.
Alas, none of Jennifer's friends know for like two days that she's been carried off by the ultimate evil, because Kim is still busy learning the entire tragical-epical history of Fionavar and being traumatized, and Kevin and Paul are on their way back from Diarmuid's Mission O'Seduction.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Now that I have successfully tricked Princess Sharra into sleeping with me, a decision that will certainly have no repercussions whatsoever, it's time for a barfight! And then we can all get laid!
KEVIN: Aww yeah, finally, something I am good at!
However, just when Kevin is done with one round of amazing sex with a barmaid, he is interrupted by ... another, weeping barmaid!
KEVIN: Hey, what are you doing here, I thought you went off to bang Paul?
WEEPING BARMAID: Man, I tried, but it was bad sex, and he was just so sad about his dead girlfriend, so I started crying, and then he was like 'look, if you want good sex, go to Kevin,' so ... here I am ......?
KEVIN: Oh my god, Paul, you can't just send girls to me for good sex every time you make them cry!
PAUL: Uh, I don't see why not.
KEVIN: Seriously, dude, just cry it out! JUST CRY IT OUT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
PAUL: I can never cry and I can never feel feelings.
KEVIN: You know what, I'm so annoyed I'm gonna play the song I wrote for your dead girlfriend, how about that? Are you gonna cry now?
PAUL: You know what, no! You know what, I'm just gonna go sacrifice myself to Odin Mornir on the sacrifice tree to make it rain! How do you like me now?
KEVIN: This is a VERY DISPROPORTIONATE REACTION, PAUL!
PAUL: MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE IT RAIN INSIDE MY HEART, KEVIN!
Because what Kevin does not know is that not only did Paul's girlfriend tragically die -- she tragically died in a car crash, when Paul was driving, right after she dumped him! And for this, Paul cannot forgive himself, because what if he crashed the car accidentally-on-purpose? What if.
So Paul goes and hangs himself crankily up on the tree, where he has a very eventful three nights:
AILERON, THE KING'S OLDER, LESS IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT ALSO LESS HOT SON: I can't believe you stole my death! What an asshole.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: While I respect this noble suicide over a girl dumping you, might I recommend trying to destroy everything instead?
A MAGICAL PUPPY DOG: *does not say anything, because it's not actually a talking magical puppy dog, but fights off Galadan when he tries to murder Paul, so that's helpful*
THE GREAT GOD ODIN MORNIR: Have some rain! Also, some rain in your heart.
THE GREAT MOTHER GODDESS: Thank you for your noble sacrifice. As a present, let me tell you: you did not purposefully kill your girlfriend! You're welcome.
PAUL: YES OK GREAT I will happily cry myself to death now. :D
THE GREAT GOD ODIN MORNIR: Oh also, since you were so noble, you get to come back to life as my avatar! You're welcome.
PAUL: ... not sure if want ....
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: I cannot BELIEVE you, a man, got to talk to the Mother Goddess.
PAUL: Um, I ... have been on a tree for three days, starving and dying of exposure, so ... could I maybe get something to eat and drink before we have this argument ....?
JAELLE THE MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS: NO YOU CANNOT.
Meanwhile, poor Kevin makes it back to court.
WIZARD LOREN: OK, so here's the news. The king just died, our other chief wizard is a traitor, and lots of other bad shit is probably going to start going down any second now. Also, Paul's spent three nights crying and dying on a tree, Jennifer got kidnapped by Sauron the evil under the mountain and is experiencing unutterable suffering, Kim's our new harbinger of doom, and Dave is still missing.
KEVIN: ...GREAT.
WIZARD LOREN: The good news is, we just heard Paul's still alive and hanging out at the High Priestess' temple?
KEVIN: WELL I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.
It's at around this point that Dave turns up again!
KEVIN: OMG, Dave, we ... huh, we expected you to be about 400% done with everything by now, but you actually look pretty chill.
DAVE, NOW ONLY LIKE 25% DONE WITH EVERYTHING, IF THAT: Oh, man, it's been great, I hooked up with some fantasy nomads, and we broed out, and they gave me an axe, and then we became blood brothers, and then a forest goddess said she thought I was cute, and she gave me a magical horn, and I got over like at least 75% of my anger management issues, and -- anyway, how've you guys been?
KEVIN: .....
KIM: .......
PAUL: ........
DAVE: Ummmm. Well, let me lighten the mood. Kevin, here's your study notes back! Thanks for the loaner!
KEVIN: Oh my god, you made -- a joke ....? And it was funny .........? Now I know the end of the world is nigh.
WIZARD LOREN: Anyway now it's time to crown the exiled, less irresponsible, but more awkward son as king!
DIARMUID'S MERRY BAND OF MISFITS: Wait, hang on, actually, Diarmuid is the heir, so ...
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Step down, Diarmuid! My time has come! This is my war!
PAUL: What an asshole.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: Excuse me?
PAUL: Look, if my experience with manpain has taught me anything, it's that it's kind of dumb to make it all about you? All of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES -- well, except Dave, who seems to have had a pretty cool time, all things considered -- but anyway, all the rest of us have had TERRIBLE EXPERIENCES, and so have a bunch of other people. Share the war, Aileron. Sharing is caring.
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT MORE AWKWARD: ...OK, I get it, but I will still be a better king than Diarmuid, so --
DIARMUID: I --
PRINCESS SHARRA: Hiiiiii-ya!
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: ...???
THE ENTIRE COURT: ...???
PRINCESS SHARRA: I am here to murder Diarmuid! For my honor!!!!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: ... ah, yes, so, um, about that ... isn't it nice that Sharra's turned up to negotiate in the war council on behalf of her kingdom?
AILERON THE LESS IRRESPONSIBLE BUT ALSO LESS HOT: Diarmuid, she literally just stabbed you.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: A small misunderstanding! Could happen to anyone. OKAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, I abdicate the throne, Aileron you can have it, I'm gonna go get drunk now.
KIM: ...this is clearly a lady I want to get to know. Sharra, let's get drinks!
Later that night, Diarmuid comes and tries to climb into their room, and they dump buckets of cold water on his head.
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: >:(
PRINCESS SHARRA: Kim, you are hilarious.
KIM: Aw yeah, still got it!
So now that all that's been sorted, it's probably time to deal with the important business of waging war on evil. However, just as they're about to start dealing with that, Kim's magical artifact goes off!
KIM: My magic ring says Jennifer's in trouble!
JENNIFER: YES I AM STILL SUFFERING RAPE, TORTURE, AND UNSPEAKABLE MENTAL TORMENT AT THE HANDS OF SAURON OVER HERE, THANKS FOR REMEMBERING.
KIM: OK, I think I can use this magical artifact to get us all home and thus rescue Jennifer, sorry if you were hoping to have us to help out with the war with all our newfound magical powers and artifacts and significance, see you guys later, byeeeeeeeee!
AND EVERYONE DITCHES MIDDLE EARTH AND GOES BACK TO TORONTO, THE END. (Until the next book.)
This entry is cross-posted at Livejournal from http://skygiants.dreamwidth.org/414129.html. Please feel free to comment here or there! There are currently
comments on Dreamwidth.