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This write-up of The Darkest Road is four thousand words long. I am so sorry, everyone.
So at the end of the last book, our heroes stopped a DEATH RAIN from coming over the parts of Fionavar we care about by breaking the Black Cauldron!
When this book opens, Kim has received a vision to go rescue some pacifist giants who Sauron is planning to exterminate. Along the way, she picks up a buddy from … the country that was exterminated by the death rain before Our Heroes stopped it oops. But that's only a little bit sad because we only really met this one dude from there six pages ago.
She also summons help from Dave's Littlest Nomad Bro, who has received the divine gift of a magical murder unicorn from a magical forest in a plot point that was not previously summarized because it was not previously super relevant.
KIM: Look, I'm sorry to have to ask a fifteen-year-old to perform mass slaughter, I'm aware it kind of sucks, but can you and your magical murder unicorn kill all the 150 evil minions who are trapping the pacifist giants in those caves and burning and eating their dead friends?
TEENAGE TABOR OF THE MAGICAL MURDER UNICORN: Yeah, sure, I got this.
KIM: Thanks! OK, pacifist giants, you are free!
PACIFIST GIANTS: Thank you very much. We will now perform our beautiful ritual forgiveness magic of extreme nonviolence, which allows our culture to persist in serenity without hating our oppressors.
KIM: So, um …. about that … nos that I've rescued you …. I'm actually here to get you to help in the war effort …...
PACIFIST GIANTS: I mean, we get it, but our entire culture is grounded in pacifism and nonviolence and not hating anyone, so ….. no ….........?
KIM: I bet I can get you to hate Sauron though.
PACIFIST GIANTS: I mean, he's … been trapping us in caves slowly suffocating us on the poisonous smoke of our own dead friends while we listen to his minions make delicious barbecue out of them …. and we're still doing OK, so ….
KIM: Yes, OK, but: what if I use my magic ring to show you in graphic detail what happened to my friend Jennifer, the most beautiful woman in Canada?
PACIFIST GIANTS: OH CRAP we're immune to everything except graphic portrayals of rape on television! Now, and only now, are we forced to understand: Sauron definitely needs to go.
KIM: Thanks for the tip, HBO!
PACIFIST GIANTS: Welp … now we definitely hate Sauron…... and will never be able to perform our beautiful ritual forgiveness magic of extreme nonviolence and transcendent forgiveness again …...... and our culture as we know it is basically ended …..
KIM: It's sad, but it had to be done. If it helps, I feel real bad about it.
PACIFIST GIANTS: Because we're still trying to be as pacifist as possible, we forgive you. Anyway, I guess we'll go - um, clean up all the bodies from the death rain? That's war effort work that doesn't involve killing anyone, right?
THAT ONE GUY FROM THE COUNTRY EXTERMINATED BY THE DEATH RAIN: Pour one out for the tragedy of my entire country, which will pretty much never be referenced again.
(Meanwhile, on a boat in the middle of the ocean:
ARTHUR: Sorry about waking you up for our inevitable threesome tragedy, Lance. Saddest of all the long tales ever told, amirite?
LANCELOT: My liege, you are correct. Nothing in the world could possibly be sadder.)
Justifiably bummed out by this entire experience, Kim decides to go back to the Seer cottage by the lake where Ysanne kept her magical MacGuffins. At this point, Possibly Evil Emo Teenager Darien shows up!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, and wishes I was killed at birth. Also, I was six two days ago … and still kind of feel like a six-year-old inside …... but, like, a really ANGRY six-year-old. With maybe-evil superpowers.
KIM: GREAT. Ummmmmmm how would you like a magical MacGuffin? This one is a beautiful circlet with a magical gem in it called the light against the dark! Maybe it'll help you feel better.
Alas, when she gives it to Darien, the light in the magical gem goes out!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: ….thanks, this REALLY helps my self-esteem.
KIM: Oops.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I guess I'll just steal this other magical MacGuffin and see if maybe the DARK will love me!
KIM: Wait! Darien, no! Crap, I did not have time to explain to him that that's the magical dagger that murders the person wielding it if they kill anyone you don't love!
CONSTANT READER: ….so you can only use it to murder someone you DO love?
KIM: Yes, that's the size of it!
CONSTANT READER: Why would anyone actually make a dagger like that?
KIM: …...destined tragedy?
While all this is going on, Sharra and Jaelle are hanging out at the temple -
PRINCESS SHARRA: Aren't the flowers pretty, Jaelle?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: I mean, I guess?
PRINCESS SHARRA: Don't you like flowers, Jaelle?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST PRIESTESS JAELLE: Oh my God, what do all of you WANT from me? It's always 'Jaelle, why don't you like pretty flowers?' and 'Jaelle, why do you hate men?' and 'Jaelle, why don't you feel feelings?' and 'Jaelle, don't you want to be in LOVE?' People! Seriously! Sorry if I can't take time to smell the flowers, but I am the HIGH PRIESTESS of an ENTIRE COUNTRY. I am BASICALLY THE POPE. I have MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT.
PRINCESS SHARRA: ….that....was sudden......??
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: That's because Becca in her infinite wisdom forgot about this scene and therefore did not take time to set it up properly by summarizing all the previous conversations with people where they complain about the fact that I'm brusque and ambitious and don't feel feelings. But they happened. Oh, so many of them happened.
SHARRA: If it helps, at least this conversation passed the Bechdel test?
- but then they hear that Kim's back, so they go off to meet up with her instead.
KIM: OK, so, yes, I definitely screwed up that last interaction with possibly-evil emo teenager Darien, BUT: I have a hunch he might still try and find his mom before he goes off to try his dad? Jaelle, can you take us real fast to where Jennifer is hanging out waiting for her destined tragedy to hit so we can explain to her all the shit that has just gone down with her Sauron baby?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Oh, yes, absolutely, I got this!
PRINCESS SHARRA: Um …. who is Darien and why is there a Sauron baby …?
But all they get there in time to do is watch helplessly as this additional shit goes down:
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Hey, Mom, um … I brought you a present …. do you want this magical MacGuffin dagger …....?
JENNIFER: Did you steal that dagger, Darien? Son, I am so disappoint.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I just thought … maybe if you gave me a present you'd like me …....
JENNIFER: OK, listen up. You are a grown-ass superpowered entity -
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I'm a teenager! I was six yesterday!
JENNIFER: - and your job is to choose between LIGHT and DARK, not mommy-love and daddy-love.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Well given that the light apparently HATES me …. like EVERYONE hates me …..OKAY then! Off to Sauron it is!
KIM: Jennifer, WTF was that.
JENNIFER: Look, Kim, I had this kid to be a random-factor weapon against Sauron, not because I actually wanted in any way to be a mom.
At this point Arthur, Lancelot, Paul, Ex-Mage Loren, Ex-King-of-the-Dwarves Matt, Diarmuid, and Diarmuid's band of merry men all pretty much crash-land on the beach directly in front of them.
PRINCESS SHARRA: OK, now I understand why I'm in this whole bit of plot!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey babe!
LANCELOT: Hey …. Guinevere …..
ARTHUR: Honey, I'm sorry about this, but …..
JENNIFER: Ah yes. Tragic threesome time. OK, let's just fend this off at the pass, all right? Lancelot, why don't you go off and follow my possibly-evil emo teenage son and make sure he doesn't die before he has a chance to make his epic fateful decision?
LANCELOT: Possibly-evil emo teenage son...?
JENNIFER: Oh, right. Let me explain about all the trauma in my past that's NOT directly related to tragic threesomes.
EX-KING-OF-THE-DWARVES MATT: Since dying and getting brought back to life broke my mystical mage bond with now ex-mage Loren, it's probably time for me to go reclaim my kingdom. I'll need help though!
KIM: I can get you there with my magical ring powers, but, um, just FYI, after what happened to the pacifist giants, I can pretty much guarantee that any help I offer will involve some kind of terrible cultural loss.
EX-KING-OF-THE-DWARVES MATT: I'm willing to roll those dice.
The deal with the dwarves, for the record, is that they DELVED TOO DEEP (surprise!) and ended up unleashing ancient evil (the Black Cauldron, in this case, rather than a Balrog) and Matt stormed out in a huff because no one would listen to him when he said to quit it. But now it is time to make them quit it for real!
So Matt and Kim take off using Kim's magical ring powers, and everyone else is like 'well...here we are...on this beach.....'
PAUL: Unfortunately, my special god powers are in no way helpful enough to transport about fifty people across half the country.
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: And I used up all my goddess powers getting us here, so that's out too.
PAUL: This would be a great time for us to have a bonding moment about the burdens of wielding incomprehensible divine powers if you would ever let yourself feel feelings!
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: …..are you even serious?! Never has pot kettle been more -
PAUL: All right! All right, yes, FINE, maybe some of the 'my heart is a desert, I don't feel feelings' is my own fault too. I will try to be less of a jerk. In fairness, the first time we had a conversation, you did basically punch me in the face.
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: All right, if you try not to be a dick, I, too, will try not to be a dick. However, right now, maybe we should both focus on the ghost ship that has suddenly appeared out on the ocean?
PAUL: Divine god powers say: time to walk across water to negotiate the ghost ship! You want to stay here and pray for me?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Um, if the avatar of the god is going to walk on water then the avatar of the goddess is ALSO going to WALK ON SOME FREAKING WATER.
PAUL: Hey, tragic ghost legend, my divine powers say you have a plot MacGuffin that will be of service to us! Hand it over and your spirit can be freed at last from millenia of torment.
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: Freeeeee at laaaaaaaaaaaast -
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: WAIT, wait, wait.
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: ????
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Before your spirit is freed from millenia of torment ….. how would you and your ghost ship feel about us and our fifty buddies hitching a ride?
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: …..................all right, fine. What's another week of torment, give or take.
PAUL: Wow, Jaelle. Bold move! Did your incomprehensible divine powers tell you that you could do that?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Sometimes, Paul, you don't need the incomprehensible divine powers. Sometimes, all you need is a little chutzpah.
PAUL: ….please don't murder me for thinking that your chutzpah is kind of hot.
While everyone else sails away on a ghost ship, Lancelot follows Possibly-Evil Emo Teenage Darien into an angry forest that sends a superpowered demon to kill him!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Strike me, demon! You've done everything else you can to me!
LANCELOT: Not on my watch!
Lancelot, best fighter in all of history, ever, manages to kill the superpowered demon, but in order to do it he has to ask Darien to distract it by screaming.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: That was amazing!
LANCELOT: Please never tell anyone about this victory, I can't believe I had to ask for your help in the middle of a fight, this is so embarrassing.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: ...you're embarrassed about asking for help from a TOOL OF THE DARK, right?
LANCELOT: No, wait, that's not what I - I just meant, you know, because you're a teenager, and -
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: It's fine! I know nobody loves me! I'm just gonna turn into an owl and keep flying away to where my dad lives in Mordor Starkadh then! GOODBYE FOREVER!
LANCELOT: ….guess I'm just going to have to walk after him...?
TALIESIN THE MYTHIC BARD, WHO IS IN THIS SERIES, AND THIS BOOK, AND THIS SCENE, ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT MENTIONED HIM BEFORE NOW BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTUALLY ALL THAT RELEVANT: One does not simply walk into Mordor Starkadh!
LANCELOT: I am the greatest warrior ever and I do what I want.
So Lancelot tracks Darien all the way into the magical land of the elves (I'm just giving up on the lios alfar thing, all right? We ALL KNOW they are elves) where he and Darien might both have been trapped forever! Until Lancelot encounters Not!Elaine the Elf.
NOT!ELAINE: Oh no … he's hot …...
LANCELOT: ….are we doing the Lady of Shallot thing? OK, FINE, I guess we're doing the Lady of Shallot thing. Let's get this over with: you're beautiful and sweet, I'm enormously hot but in love with Guinevere and can never love you, it's all very sad, will you help me and this possibly-evil emo teenager get out of the woods or not?
And so not!Elaine encounters the great love of her life, pines, saves his life, and finally gets in a boat to sail away to the West, where she becomes the first elf in a millenium not to get eaten by a sea monster! Good for you, not!Elaine. For the record, this all happens in the span of 20 pages or less.
LANCELOT: Well, Darien just flew away into Mordor faster than I could follow … and I think I see a ghost ship coming in with Arthur and Guinevere on it … so you know what? I think, actually, I will not walk into Mordor after all. Sorry, Darien, you're on your own from here.
Meanwhile, back in the land of the dwarves --
(KIM: The land of the dwarves is so interesting! Gosh, look, a beautiful lady dwarf! These dwarves definitely have sexual dimorphism, this isn't a Tolkien ripoff at all!)
- Ex-King Matt is challenging the Evil Current King to a ROUSING POLITICAL DEBATE.
EVIL CURRENT KING: Well, I mean … dude … you abdicated …...
EX-KING MATT: Yes, but you're evil and everything you do sucks.
THE JUDGES: This debate proves inconclusive. All right, we're going with Plan B: each of you goes to your room, make an example of a fine dwarven craft, and then throws it in our magical lake.
EVIL CURRENT KING: I made a beautiful crystal model of the black cauldron of doom! And you made … what even is that?
EX-KING MATT: It's a dragon in the style of abstract modern expressionism, loser!
THE CRYSTAL DRAGON WHO LIVES IN THE MAGICAL LAKE: Nineteenth-century realism is PASSE and TRITE!
EX-KING MATT: Hell yeah, still king!
KIM: Um …. look, I'm real sorry to have to do this to you, but my magical seer powers say that I have to steal your culturally significant magical crystal dragon for the war effort now ….
EX-KING MATT: …..........
KIM: But you know what? I learned something from last time I did this! Your culture is important and worth preserving! Screw my magical seer powers, you can keep your culturally significant magical crystal dragon!
EX-KING MATT: Huzzah!
(THE PACIFIST GIANTS, SOMEWHERE IN A LAND DEVASTATED BY DEATH RAIN: Oh, now you figure this out??)
KIM: Instead I will use my power to transport all of us magically to where the dwarven army is attacking Dave and his nomad bros and tell them they are supposed to change sides RIGHT NOW.
DAVE AND HIS NOMAD BROS, ABOUT TO BE MURDERED ON A BATTLEFIELD BY A MILLION EVIL DWARVES: Well, this was quite timely. Thanks, Kim!
(THE REST OF THE DWARVES BACK IN DWARFLAND: Ummmm …. so ….. did anyone ever bother to tell us who the new king is …..?)
So now everyone is just in the same place and ready for the final battle! Step one: A CHALLENGE to single combat from a giant evil monster who insults Jennifer's honor!
KING ARTHUR: OK friends, this is my cue! I'm gonna go fight this monster in single combat and die heroically!
JENNIFER: Wait, I don't want you to die! What if Lancelot goes to fight this monster in single combat?
LANCELOT: Yeah, I should get to fight the monster in single combat!
KING ARTHUR: Guinevere, I cannot believe you care so little about Lancelot to ask him, wounded from his last dramatic single combat, to go fight another monster in single combat --
JENNIFER: Arthur, I cannot believe you would accuse me, of all people, of not caring about Lancelot -
LANCELOT: Seriously, guys, I am totally happy to go fight this monster in single combat for Guinevere -
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh my god, I am so TIRED of all this TRAGIC THREESOME NONSENSE, I will fight the monster in single combat!
So Diarmuid does a responsible thing for once in his life, and fights the monster in single combat, and kills it, and then dies heroically, and everyone is very impressed and sad.
PRINCESS SHARRA: … WELL THAT WAS A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.
And then everyone's fighting Sauron's armies for a while, and it's hard but they're doing OK, until a giant evil dragon shows up.
EVERYBODY: You know what would be EXTREMELY HELPFUL right now? If we had a sparkling good crystal dragon to fight against this evil dragon!
KIM: …..OK in retrospect it's possible I made a bad call back there.
TEENAGE TABOR OF THE MAGICAL MURDER UNICORN: No, wait, guys, it's cool! I got this!
DAVE: Oh no, I am very worried about my littlest nomad bro!
So teenage Tabor of the magical murder unicorn kills the dragon singlehandedly, and just at the last minute the magical murder unicorn throws Tabor off her back before she nobly dies, so that's fine -
DAVE: It's pretty great how pretty much no one I particularly care about dies this whole story, isn't it?
EVERYONE ELSE: >:(
- but alas! There's like a zillion more not!orcs and not!goblins and whatever all else just waiting to join the army so they're all probably doomed anyway.
Fortunately, right about at this time, Possibly-Evil Emo Teenage Darien is walking into Mordor (because, unlike some people, LANCELOT, he's not a quitter!)
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: OK! Now's my big moment! Dad, I came to give you this present and -
SAURON: HELLO SON I'M A HUGE DICK
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: - to realize that I may possibly have made a HUGE MISTAKE.
And at the point that Actually Not Evil Emo Teenaged Darien Darien realizes that a.) he is definitely not into evil and b.) he has definitely made a HUGE MISTAKE, the light on his magical MacGuffin tiara goes back on! So that's nice.
SAURON: SO WHAT'S WITH THIS OTHER MACGUFFIN AGAIN. WAIT, WHY DID I ASK, I DON'T CARE, HOW ABOUT I USE IT TO KILL YOU WITH.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Ha ha, joke's on you, if you kill anyone with that dagger and you don't love them, you die!
SAURON: WHOOPS.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Well, that was a very short and depressing life, but I'm glad I did something useful with it, I guess? I hope my big brother of the tragic destiny is proud of me....
So the war is over! Everyone's getting ready to party! Except -
DAVE: Where's my magical Wild Hunt-summoning horn?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Surprise! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!
So the Wild Hunt is rampaging around destroying everything, but Finn of the Tragic Destiny manages to retain enough access to his humanity (via a magical mind-link with a priestess) to stop the rampage! Aaaand then falls off his horse, like Teenage Tabor, but nobody manages to rescue him in time to stop him being fatally injured, probably because he's not a special friend of Dave's.
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: Before I die, can someone tell me what happened to my baby brother? Wherever he is, I hope he's doing OK!
CONSTANT READER: I'm not crying, you're crying.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Well, that didn't work out as planned. OK! I'm ready to die now! Like I should have died, all those years ago, when she said she'd never love me.
PAUL: Galadan, I just have one thing to say to you.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Is it 'time to die'?
PAUL: No, it's get the fuck over it!
So Galadan goes off to hang out in the woods for another millenium to think about what he's done.
KING ARTHUR: So …. wait, the war is over and … I'm not dead? I don't …. understand …...
PAUL: And here's a magical boat to take you to Avalon or eternal peace or whatever.
JENNIFER: If Arthur is going in the boat I would also like to be in the boat.
LANCELOT: I too would like to be in the boat!
KING ARTHUR: Is this … OK? Can we - I mean, can all three of us ---
PAUL: King Arthur, to you, too, I say, with all due respect: it's time to embrace your triad and get the fuck over it.
And Arthur, Jennifer, and Lancelot sail off to threesome happily ever after. Two Canadian grad students down, three to go!
DAVE: So, Goddess of the Hunt … I was thinking I might want to stay in Fionavar with all my nomad bros, and ...
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Dave, you're sweet, but the only way this thing with us could happen was on the strict understanding that it was a vacation fling.
DAVE: ….OK, I guess I'm going back to Canada then!
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: BTW, I'm pregnant! Gonna be a great half-divine kid!
DAVE: So that's a bit weird, but still, overall, pretty rocking magical adventure.
PAUL: So … Jaelle …. I was thinking, maybe I should go back to Canada …..
MAN-HATING HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: That is an option. Or, I mean, Option B, you could stay here and we could learn how to feel feelings together ….?
PAUL: That is DEFINITELY a superior option, let's go with that option. Yes. For sure let's go with that.
And then they hook up on a couch in her high priestess chambers.
PAUL: Jaelle, I am super into this, but I do have to wonder why in a book where all kinds of people are having sex all the time, I have sex all of twice and every time it involves someone weeping?
NO LONGER MAN-HATING SOON TO BE EX-HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Probably just the price of having it rain in your heart, Paul.
DAVE: So … Kim, I guess it's just you and me?
KIM: Guess so!
DAVE: Normally I wouldn't try this, but given how well the rest of my fantasy adventure turned out, I'm just gonna go for it: wanna go out with me Friday night?
KIM: ….well, I guess it's not like I'll have anything better to do!
AND THUS ENDS THE FIONAVAR TAPESTRY.
(For the record, it is never explained how Dave and Kim explain what happened to everyone else's families and the authorities. Sorry, Kevin's poor old Jewish dad!)
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So at the end of the last book, our heroes stopped a DEATH RAIN from coming over the parts of Fionavar we care about by breaking the Black Cauldron!
When this book opens, Kim has received a vision to go rescue some pacifist giants who Sauron is planning to exterminate. Along the way, she picks up a buddy from … the country that was exterminated by the death rain before Our Heroes stopped it oops. But that's only a little bit sad because we only really met this one dude from there six pages ago.
She also summons help from Dave's Littlest Nomad Bro, who has received the divine gift of a magical murder unicorn from a magical forest in a plot point that was not previously summarized because it was not previously super relevant.
KIM: Look, I'm sorry to have to ask a fifteen-year-old to perform mass slaughter, I'm aware it kind of sucks, but can you and your magical murder unicorn kill all the 150 evil minions who are trapping the pacifist giants in those caves and burning and eating their dead friends?
TEENAGE TABOR OF THE MAGICAL MURDER UNICORN: Yeah, sure, I got this.
KIM: Thanks! OK, pacifist giants, you are free!
PACIFIST GIANTS: Thank you very much. We will now perform our beautiful ritual forgiveness magic of extreme nonviolence, which allows our culture to persist in serenity without hating our oppressors.
KIM: So, um …. about that … nos that I've rescued you …. I'm actually here to get you to help in the war effort …...
PACIFIST GIANTS: I mean, we get it, but our entire culture is grounded in pacifism and nonviolence and not hating anyone, so ….. no ….........?
KIM: I bet I can get you to hate Sauron though.
PACIFIST GIANTS: I mean, he's … been trapping us in caves slowly suffocating us on the poisonous smoke of our own dead friends while we listen to his minions make delicious barbecue out of them …. and we're still doing OK, so ….
KIM: Yes, OK, but: what if I use my magic ring to show you in graphic detail what happened to my friend Jennifer, the most beautiful woman in Canada?
PACIFIST GIANTS: OH CRAP we're immune to everything except graphic portrayals of rape on television! Now, and only now, are we forced to understand: Sauron definitely needs to go.
KIM: Thanks for the tip, HBO!
PACIFIST GIANTS: Welp … now we definitely hate Sauron…... and will never be able to perform our beautiful ritual forgiveness magic of extreme nonviolence and transcendent forgiveness again …...... and our culture as we know it is basically ended …..
KIM: It's sad, but it had to be done. If it helps, I feel real bad about it.
PACIFIST GIANTS: Because we're still trying to be as pacifist as possible, we forgive you. Anyway, I guess we'll go - um, clean up all the bodies from the death rain? That's war effort work that doesn't involve killing anyone, right?
THAT ONE GUY FROM THE COUNTRY EXTERMINATED BY THE DEATH RAIN: Pour one out for the tragedy of my entire country, which will pretty much never be referenced again.
(Meanwhile, on a boat in the middle of the ocean:
ARTHUR: Sorry about waking you up for our inevitable threesome tragedy, Lance. Saddest of all the long tales ever told, amirite?
LANCELOT: My liege, you are correct. Nothing in the world could possibly be sadder.)
Justifiably bummed out by this entire experience, Kim decides to go back to the Seer cottage by the lake where Ysanne kept her magical MacGuffins. At this point, Possibly Evil Emo Teenager Darien shows up!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, and wishes I was killed at birth. Also, I was six two days ago … and still kind of feel like a six-year-old inside …... but, like, a really ANGRY six-year-old. With maybe-evil superpowers.
KIM: GREAT. Ummmmmmm how would you like a magical MacGuffin? This one is a beautiful circlet with a magical gem in it called the light against the dark! Maybe it'll help you feel better.
Alas, when she gives it to Darien, the light in the magical gem goes out!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: ….thanks, this REALLY helps my self-esteem.
KIM: Oops.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I guess I'll just steal this other magical MacGuffin and see if maybe the DARK will love me!
KIM: Wait! Darien, no! Crap, I did not have time to explain to him that that's the magical dagger that murders the person wielding it if they kill anyone you don't love!
CONSTANT READER: ….so you can only use it to murder someone you DO love?
KIM: Yes, that's the size of it!
CONSTANT READER: Why would anyone actually make a dagger like that?
KIM: …...destined tragedy?
While all this is going on, Sharra and Jaelle are hanging out at the temple -
PRINCESS SHARRA: Aren't the flowers pretty, Jaelle?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: I mean, I guess?
PRINCESS SHARRA: Don't you like flowers, Jaelle?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST PRIESTESS JAELLE: Oh my God, what do all of you WANT from me? It's always 'Jaelle, why don't you like pretty flowers?' and 'Jaelle, why do you hate men?' and 'Jaelle, why don't you feel feelings?' and 'Jaelle, don't you want to be in LOVE?' People! Seriously! Sorry if I can't take time to smell the flowers, but I am the HIGH PRIESTESS of an ENTIRE COUNTRY. I am BASICALLY THE POPE. I have MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT.
PRINCESS SHARRA: ….that....was sudden......??
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: That's because Becca in her infinite wisdom forgot about this scene and therefore did not take time to set it up properly by summarizing all the previous conversations with people where they complain about the fact that I'm brusque and ambitious and don't feel feelings. But they happened. Oh, so many of them happened.
SHARRA: If it helps, at least this conversation passed the Bechdel test?
- but then they hear that Kim's back, so they go off to meet up with her instead.
KIM: OK, so, yes, I definitely screwed up that last interaction with possibly-evil emo teenager Darien, BUT: I have a hunch he might still try and find his mom before he goes off to try his dad? Jaelle, can you take us real fast to where Jennifer is hanging out waiting for her destined tragedy to hit so we can explain to her all the shit that has just gone down with her Sauron baby?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Oh, yes, absolutely, I got this!
PRINCESS SHARRA: Um …. who is Darien and why is there a Sauron baby …?
But all they get there in time to do is watch helplessly as this additional shit goes down:
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Hey, Mom, um … I brought you a present …. do you want this magical MacGuffin dagger …....?
JENNIFER: Did you steal that dagger, Darien? Son, I am so disappoint.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I just thought … maybe if you gave me a present you'd like me …....
JENNIFER: OK, listen up. You are a grown-ass superpowered entity -
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: I'm a teenager! I was six yesterday!
JENNIFER: - and your job is to choose between LIGHT and DARK, not mommy-love and daddy-love.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Well given that the light apparently HATES me …. like EVERYONE hates me …..OKAY then! Off to Sauron it is!
KIM: Jennifer, WTF was that.
JENNIFER: Look, Kim, I had this kid to be a random-factor weapon against Sauron, not because I actually wanted in any way to be a mom.
At this point Arthur, Lancelot, Paul, Ex-Mage Loren, Ex-King-of-the-Dwarves Matt, Diarmuid, and Diarmuid's band of merry men all pretty much crash-land on the beach directly in front of them.
PRINCESS SHARRA: OK, now I understand why I'm in this whole bit of plot!
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Hey babe!
LANCELOT: Hey …. Guinevere …..
ARTHUR: Honey, I'm sorry about this, but …..
JENNIFER: Ah yes. Tragic threesome time. OK, let's just fend this off at the pass, all right? Lancelot, why don't you go off and follow my possibly-evil emo teenage son and make sure he doesn't die before he has a chance to make his epic fateful decision?
LANCELOT: Possibly-evil emo teenage son...?
JENNIFER: Oh, right. Let me explain about all the trauma in my past that's NOT directly related to tragic threesomes.
EX-KING-OF-THE-DWARVES MATT: Since dying and getting brought back to life broke my mystical mage bond with now ex-mage Loren, it's probably time for me to go reclaim my kingdom. I'll need help though!
KIM: I can get you there with my magical ring powers, but, um, just FYI, after what happened to the pacifist giants, I can pretty much guarantee that any help I offer will involve some kind of terrible cultural loss.
EX-KING-OF-THE-DWARVES MATT: I'm willing to roll those dice.
The deal with the dwarves, for the record, is that they DELVED TOO DEEP (surprise!) and ended up unleashing ancient evil (the Black Cauldron, in this case, rather than a Balrog) and Matt stormed out in a huff because no one would listen to him when he said to quit it. But now it is time to make them quit it for real!
So Matt and Kim take off using Kim's magical ring powers, and everyone else is like 'well...here we are...on this beach.....'
PAUL: Unfortunately, my special god powers are in no way helpful enough to transport about fifty people across half the country.
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: And I used up all my goddess powers getting us here, so that's out too.
PAUL: This would be a great time for us to have a bonding moment about the burdens of wielding incomprehensible divine powers if you would ever let yourself feel feelings!
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: …..are you even serious?! Never has pot kettle been more -
PAUL: All right! All right, yes, FINE, maybe some of the 'my heart is a desert, I don't feel feelings' is my own fault too. I will try to be less of a jerk. In fairness, the first time we had a conversation, you did basically punch me in the face.
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: All right, if you try not to be a dick, I, too, will try not to be a dick. However, right now, maybe we should both focus on the ghost ship that has suddenly appeared out on the ocean?
PAUL: Divine god powers say: time to walk across water to negotiate the ghost ship! You want to stay here and pray for me?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Um, if the avatar of the god is going to walk on water then the avatar of the goddess is ALSO going to WALK ON SOME FREAKING WATER.
PAUL: Hey, tragic ghost legend, my divine powers say you have a plot MacGuffin that will be of service to us! Hand it over and your spirit can be freed at last from millenia of torment.
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: Freeeeee at laaaaaaaaaaaast -
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: WAIT, wait, wait.
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: ????
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Before your spirit is freed from millenia of torment ….. how would you and your ghost ship feel about us and our fifty buddies hitching a ride?
TRAGIC GHOST LEGEND: …..................all right, fine. What's another week of torment, give or take.
PAUL: Wow, Jaelle. Bold move! Did your incomprehensible divine powers tell you that you could do that?
MAN-HATING FEMINIST HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Sometimes, Paul, you don't need the incomprehensible divine powers. Sometimes, all you need is a little chutzpah.
PAUL: ….please don't murder me for thinking that your chutzpah is kind of hot.
While everyone else sails away on a ghost ship, Lancelot follows Possibly-Evil Emo Teenage Darien into an angry forest that sends a superpowered demon to kill him!
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Strike me, demon! You've done everything else you can to me!
LANCELOT: Not on my watch!
Lancelot, best fighter in all of history, ever, manages to kill the superpowered demon, but in order to do it he has to ask Darien to distract it by screaming.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: That was amazing!
LANCELOT: Please never tell anyone about this victory, I can't believe I had to ask for your help in the middle of a fight, this is so embarrassing.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: ...you're embarrassed about asking for help from a TOOL OF THE DARK, right?
LANCELOT: No, wait, that's not what I - I just meant, you know, because you're a teenager, and -
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: It's fine! I know nobody loves me! I'm just gonna turn into an owl and keep flying away to where my dad lives in Mordor Starkadh then! GOODBYE FOREVER!
LANCELOT: ….guess I'm just going to have to walk after him...?
TALIESIN THE MYTHIC BARD, WHO IS IN THIS SERIES, AND THIS BOOK, AND THIS SCENE, ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT MENTIONED HIM BEFORE NOW BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTUALLY ALL THAT RELEVANT: One does not simply walk into Mordor Starkadh!
LANCELOT: I am the greatest warrior ever and I do what I want.
So Lancelot tracks Darien all the way into the magical land of the elves (I'm just giving up on the lios alfar thing, all right? We ALL KNOW they are elves) where he and Darien might both have been trapped forever! Until Lancelot encounters Not!Elaine the Elf.
NOT!ELAINE: Oh no … he's hot …...
LANCELOT: ….are we doing the Lady of Shallot thing? OK, FINE, I guess we're doing the Lady of Shallot thing. Let's get this over with: you're beautiful and sweet, I'm enormously hot but in love with Guinevere and can never love you, it's all very sad, will you help me and this possibly-evil emo teenager get out of the woods or not?
And so not!Elaine encounters the great love of her life, pines, saves his life, and finally gets in a boat to sail away to the West, where she becomes the first elf in a millenium not to get eaten by a sea monster! Good for you, not!Elaine. For the record, this all happens in the span of 20 pages or less.
LANCELOT: Well, Darien just flew away into Mordor faster than I could follow … and I think I see a ghost ship coming in with Arthur and Guinevere on it … so you know what? I think, actually, I will not walk into Mordor after all. Sorry, Darien, you're on your own from here.
Meanwhile, back in the land of the dwarves --
(KIM: The land of the dwarves is so interesting! Gosh, look, a beautiful lady dwarf! These dwarves definitely have sexual dimorphism, this isn't a Tolkien ripoff at all!)
- Ex-King Matt is challenging the Evil Current King to a ROUSING POLITICAL DEBATE.
EVIL CURRENT KING: Well, I mean … dude … you abdicated …...
EX-KING MATT: Yes, but you're evil and everything you do sucks.
THE JUDGES: This debate proves inconclusive. All right, we're going with Plan B: each of you goes to your room, make an example of a fine dwarven craft, and then throws it in our magical lake.
EVIL CURRENT KING: I made a beautiful crystal model of the black cauldron of doom! And you made … what even is that?
EX-KING MATT: It's a dragon in the style of abstract modern expressionism, loser!
THE CRYSTAL DRAGON WHO LIVES IN THE MAGICAL LAKE: Nineteenth-century realism is PASSE and TRITE!
EX-KING MATT: Hell yeah, still king!
KIM: Um …. look, I'm real sorry to have to do this to you, but my magical seer powers say that I have to steal your culturally significant magical crystal dragon for the war effort now ….
EX-KING MATT: …..........
KIM: But you know what? I learned something from last time I did this! Your culture is important and worth preserving! Screw my magical seer powers, you can keep your culturally significant magical crystal dragon!
EX-KING MATT: Huzzah!
(THE PACIFIST GIANTS, SOMEWHERE IN A LAND DEVASTATED BY DEATH RAIN: Oh, now you figure this out??)
KIM: Instead I will use my power to transport all of us magically to where the dwarven army is attacking Dave and his nomad bros and tell them they are supposed to change sides RIGHT NOW.
DAVE AND HIS NOMAD BROS, ABOUT TO BE MURDERED ON A BATTLEFIELD BY A MILLION EVIL DWARVES: Well, this was quite timely. Thanks, Kim!
(THE REST OF THE DWARVES BACK IN DWARFLAND: Ummmm …. so ….. did anyone ever bother to tell us who the new king is …..?)
So now everyone is just in the same place and ready for the final battle! Step one: A CHALLENGE to single combat from a giant evil monster who insults Jennifer's honor!
KING ARTHUR: OK friends, this is my cue! I'm gonna go fight this monster in single combat and die heroically!
JENNIFER: Wait, I don't want you to die! What if Lancelot goes to fight this monster in single combat?
LANCELOT: Yeah, I should get to fight the monster in single combat!
KING ARTHUR: Guinevere, I cannot believe you care so little about Lancelot to ask him, wounded from his last dramatic single combat, to go fight another monster in single combat --
JENNIFER: Arthur, I cannot believe you would accuse me, of all people, of not caring about Lancelot -
LANCELOT: Seriously, guys, I am totally happy to go fight this monster in single combat for Guinevere -
HOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE DIARMUID: Oh my god, I am so TIRED of all this TRAGIC THREESOME NONSENSE, I will fight the monster in single combat!
So Diarmuid does a responsible thing for once in his life, and fights the monster in single combat, and kills it, and then dies heroically, and everyone is very impressed and sad.
PRINCESS SHARRA: … WELL THAT WAS A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.
And then everyone's fighting Sauron's armies for a while, and it's hard but they're doing OK, until a giant evil dragon shows up.
EVERYBODY: You know what would be EXTREMELY HELPFUL right now? If we had a sparkling good crystal dragon to fight against this evil dragon!
KIM: …..OK in retrospect it's possible I made a bad call back there.
TEENAGE TABOR OF THE MAGICAL MURDER UNICORN: No, wait, guys, it's cool! I got this!
DAVE: Oh no, I am very worried about my littlest nomad bro!
So teenage Tabor of the magical murder unicorn kills the dragon singlehandedly, and just at the last minute the magical murder unicorn throws Tabor off her back before she nobly dies, so that's fine -
DAVE: It's pretty great how pretty much no one I particularly care about dies this whole story, isn't it?
EVERYONE ELSE: >:(
- but alas! There's like a zillion more not!orcs and not!goblins and whatever all else just waiting to join the army so they're all probably doomed anyway.
Fortunately, right about at this time, Possibly-Evil Emo Teenage Darien is walking into Mordor (because, unlike some people, LANCELOT, he's not a quitter!)
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: OK! Now's my big moment! Dad, I came to give you this present and -
SAURON: HELLO SON I'M A HUGE DICK
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: - to realize that I may possibly have made a HUGE MISTAKE.
And at the point that Actually Not Evil Emo Teenaged Darien Darien realizes that a.) he is definitely not into evil and b.) he has definitely made a HUGE MISTAKE, the light on his magical MacGuffin tiara goes back on! So that's nice.
SAURON: SO WHAT'S WITH THIS OTHER MACGUFFIN AGAIN. WAIT, WHY DID I ASK, I DON'T CARE, HOW ABOUT I USE IT TO KILL YOU WITH.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Ha ha, joke's on you, if you kill anyone with that dagger and you don't love them, you die!
SAURON: WHOOPS.
POSSIBLY-EVIL EMO TEENAGE DARIEN: Well, that was a very short and depressing life, but I'm glad I did something useful with it, I guess? I hope my big brother of the tragic destiny is proud of me....
So the war is over! Everyone's getting ready to party! Except -
DAVE: Where's my magical Wild Hunt-summoning horn?
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Surprise! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!
So the Wild Hunt is rampaging around destroying everything, but Finn of the Tragic Destiny manages to retain enough access to his humanity (via a magical mind-link with a priestess) to stop the rampage! Aaaand then falls off his horse, like Teenage Tabor, but nobody manages to rescue him in time to stop him being fatally injured, probably because he's not a special friend of Dave's.
FINN OF THE TRAGIC DESTINY: Before I die, can someone tell me what happened to my baby brother? Wherever he is, I hope he's doing OK!
CONSTANT READER: I'm not crying, you're crying.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Well, that didn't work out as planned. OK! I'm ready to die now! Like I should have died, all those years ago, when she said she'd never love me.
PAUL: Galadan, I just have one thing to say to you.
GALADAN THE WOLFLORD: Is it 'time to die'?
PAUL: No, it's get the fuck over it!
So Galadan goes off to hang out in the woods for another millenium to think about what he's done.
KING ARTHUR: So …. wait, the war is over and … I'm not dead? I don't …. understand …...
PAUL: And here's a magical boat to take you to Avalon or eternal peace or whatever.
JENNIFER: If Arthur is going in the boat I would also like to be in the boat.
LANCELOT: I too would like to be in the boat!
KING ARTHUR: Is this … OK? Can we - I mean, can all three of us ---
PAUL: King Arthur, to you, too, I say, with all due respect: it's time to embrace your triad and get the fuck over it.
And Arthur, Jennifer, and Lancelot sail off to threesome happily ever after. Two Canadian grad students down, three to go!
DAVE: So, Goddess of the Hunt … I was thinking I might want to stay in Fionavar with all my nomad bros, and ...
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: Dave, you're sweet, but the only way this thing with us could happen was on the strict understanding that it was a vacation fling.
DAVE: ….OK, I guess I'm going back to Canada then!
GODDESS OF THE HUNT: BTW, I'm pregnant! Gonna be a great half-divine kid!
DAVE: So that's a bit weird, but still, overall, pretty rocking magical adventure.
PAUL: So … Jaelle …. I was thinking, maybe I should go back to Canada …..
MAN-HATING HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: That is an option. Or, I mean, Option B, you could stay here and we could learn how to feel feelings together ….?
PAUL: That is DEFINITELY a superior option, let's go with that option. Yes. For sure let's go with that.
And then they hook up on a couch in her high priestess chambers.
PAUL: Jaelle, I am super into this, but I do have to wonder why in a book where all kinds of people are having sex all the time, I have sex all of twice and every time it involves someone weeping?
NO LONGER MAN-HATING SOON TO BE EX-HIGH PRIESTESS JAELLE: Probably just the price of having it rain in your heart, Paul.
DAVE: So … Kim, I guess it's just you and me?
KIM: Guess so!
DAVE: Normally I wouldn't try this, but given how well the rest of my fantasy adventure turned out, I'm just gonna go for it: wanna go out with me Friday night?
KIM: ….well, I guess it's not like I'll have anything better to do!
AND THUS ENDS THE FIONAVAR TAPESTRY.
(For the record, it is never explained how Dave and Kim explain what happened to everyone else's families and the authorities. Sorry, Kevin's poor old Jewish dad!)
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