The Silent Force...
First off, I read an article on BBC news (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6211250.stm) that the richest 2% of the world own half the world's wealth... to which I was not surprised.
"The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of all household wealth, according to a new study by a United Nations research institute.
The report, from the World Institute for Development Economics Research at the UN University, says that the poorer half of the world's population own barely 1% of global wealth. "
*sigh*
Anyway, last week, as I helped my brother fix his personal statement, I realized that I am the silent force in my family. Everything he said in his personal statement had some relation to a million conversations I have had with him and yet no where in there does he talk about his sister. I was invisible, just as there's no "sibling who gave up part of her/his youth to be a parent or both parents to me" day. But then again, do I really need such a day? (It is sometimes rather ridiculous to think that it takes a specially marked day of the year for us to remember a parent and to get them something special.)
My boss asked me today, in all her blunt glory, "How old are you? 24? and what have you to show for yourself?" (Don't get her wrong, she didn't say this to be mean, it was related to something else. She said it half jokingly, with the same honesty she would have showed her daughter.) Anyway, it's something I've been thinking a lot about, in my existential crisis. But in that instant (for which it would've been too lengthy and inappropriate), I wanted to say, "I've raised my brother as if he were my son; I've taken on basically all the household responsibilities; I've taken responsibility for my parents' divorce and their happiness; I've made a film revealing one of my deepest, darkest secrets; I chose to give up more of my own youth to come home and make sure my brother stayed on the right track to going to college, despite not wanting to return to the codependent state which exists when I return home; I've decided to live my life to the best that I think I can do (which I think I am); and I've managed to keep enough sanity to believe I can still continue."
I don't need a special day to celebrate what role I've played in my brother's life. I don't need any special mention in an essay that people won't give a second thought to. I don't need any awards or celebratory parties. Instead, all I need is this secret pride in knowing that I helped contribute to making this kid a good kid. Sure, he's a lazy ass punk at times, but quite honestly, he has got a good head on his shoulders. With some long (sometimes boring, sometimes whiny) stories from me, he apparently does have some appreciation for the privileges he has. He has so much potential and believes in himself to accomplish the things he wants to get done (in spite of his tendencies to be lazy and procrastinate). More importantly, he's found a life for himself, on his own. I tend to get caught up in my own shit or in my parents' shit and sometimes forget to deal with him; but he still figured it out and found his way on his own.
"We do what we can do...We do what we feel is right at the time, even if it doesn't turn out well... And we keep going; partly because we have to and also partly because that's all we know how to do." I feel like I've been repeating this a lot lately. This also is the comfort words I have given to friends. I'm not sure if it was what they wanted to hear or if it helped them, but it helps me. I'm just struggling to keep my head above water lately. I haven't won any awards or done any Nobel-Peace-award-winning things, but I've managed to keep my head up and keep going. I know what I'm capable of (even if I doubt it sometimes), and I'm doing what I can do. I take this period of time as a resting period. A time to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be, etc. My mind and heart are not ready to rock this boat just yet and to me, that's okay. I'll go on to my next step when I'm ready to. For now, I'm trying my best to enjoy what I have and to not take it for granted (which I still do, but at least I'm trying).
And this is what I've come to as a momentary answer to all my existential confusion.
"The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of all household wealth, according to a new study by a United Nations research institute.
The report, from the World Institute for Development Economics Research at the UN University, says that the poorer half of the world's population own barely 1% of global wealth. "
*sigh*
Anyway, last week, as I helped my brother fix his personal statement, I realized that I am the silent force in my family. Everything he said in his personal statement had some relation to a million conversations I have had with him and yet no where in there does he talk about his sister. I was invisible, just as there's no "sibling who gave up part of her/his youth to be a parent or both parents to me" day. But then again, do I really need such a day? (It is sometimes rather ridiculous to think that it takes a specially marked day of the year for us to remember a parent and to get them something special.)
My boss asked me today, in all her blunt glory, "How old are you? 24? and what have you to show for yourself?" (Don't get her wrong, she didn't say this to be mean, it was related to something else. She said it half jokingly, with the same honesty she would have showed her daughter.) Anyway, it's something I've been thinking a lot about, in my existential crisis. But in that instant (for which it would've been too lengthy and inappropriate), I wanted to say, "I've raised my brother as if he were my son; I've taken on basically all the household responsibilities; I've taken responsibility for my parents' divorce and their happiness; I've made a film revealing one of my deepest, darkest secrets; I chose to give up more of my own youth to come home and make sure my brother stayed on the right track to going to college, despite not wanting to return to the codependent state which exists when I return home; I've decided to live my life to the best that I think I can do (which I think I am); and I've managed to keep enough sanity to believe I can still continue."
I don't need a special day to celebrate what role I've played in my brother's life. I don't need any special mention in an essay that people won't give a second thought to. I don't need any awards or celebratory parties. Instead, all I need is this secret pride in knowing that I helped contribute to making this kid a good kid. Sure, he's a lazy ass punk at times, but quite honestly, he has got a good head on his shoulders. With some long (sometimes boring, sometimes whiny) stories from me, he apparently does have some appreciation for the privileges he has. He has so much potential and believes in himself to accomplish the things he wants to get done (in spite of his tendencies to be lazy and procrastinate). More importantly, he's found a life for himself, on his own. I tend to get caught up in my own shit or in my parents' shit and sometimes forget to deal with him; but he still figured it out and found his way on his own.
"We do what we can do...We do what we feel is right at the time, even if it doesn't turn out well... And we keep going; partly because we have to and also partly because that's all we know how to do." I feel like I've been repeating this a lot lately. This also is the comfort words I have given to friends. I'm not sure if it was what they wanted to hear or if it helped them, but it helps me. I'm just struggling to keep my head above water lately. I haven't won any awards or done any Nobel-Peace-award-winning things, but I've managed to keep my head up and keep going. I know what I'm capable of (even if I doubt it sometimes), and I'm doing what I can do. I take this period of time as a resting period. A time to figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be, etc. My mind and heart are not ready to rock this boat just yet and to me, that's okay. I'll go on to my next step when I'm ready to. For now, I'm trying my best to enjoy what I have and to not take it for granted (which I still do, but at least I'm trying).
And this is what I've come to as a momentary answer to all my existential confusion.