100 days...
Today marks the 100th day... but also the 116th day... a year ago my life was so different.
When my grandma (my mom's mom) passed away when I was in college, I was sad and lonely, but I felt that she had left me her strength. My grandma was determined to live life the way she wanted, including becoming a monk despite everyone's protest. She was strong-willed, beautiful, and seemed happy with her life because she chose to follow her heart.
When my grandma (my dad's mom) passed away in January, I was inconsolable... 16 days later, my grandpa (my dad's dad) followed her. All I could and all I do feel now is their absence... They were "home"... my family life has always been crazy and chaotic, but wherever they were, it was "home"... I think what they've left with me is that it's time to find my own "home"... I felt safe coming "home" to them, but almost to a fault... I had no desire to travel or move away. I just wanted to always be near them. Now that they've gone, I have never had more of a desire to travel and see the world. I plan on doing this late next year, but until then, I'm just trying to figure out how to get on with real, everyday life.
I feel like I should have a sticker on my forehead that says, "Fragile, Handle With Care"... sometimes when I'm just walking around at lunch time, something triggers my memory and I start tearing... for someone who knows what happened in the last year, they might understand, but for most people, I haven't been able to talk about it. I reposted an entry I made private because maybe it's time I let people in again. I feel very distant from everyone because at first I didn't want to let anyone in anymore... I didn't want to hurt like this if someone else were to leave. But in my isolated world, I saw people reaching for me... pulling me out of my loneliness... I'm making small steps to let people in again. I just don't remember how I used to do it.
Working on a college campus makes me think of my own time in college. When I walk around, I see people who remind me of people I went to college with. I miss college, but it wouldn't be the same if I were to go back. It was about the time, the place, and the people. I miss college and who I was in college. I had passion, ambition, and strength when I was in college. I've lost all that now, I just have to find it again... I am disillusioned from the world by living in suburbia... This place where people have too much damn time to care about petty things like the fact that your weeds have grown in your front yard and send you a fucking notice that you will be fined if you do not remove it... instead of caring about the important things like the fact that there is a war still going on, despite our president saying that he'd work on pulling out of the war after the november elections revealed how dissatisfied the nation was with his performance... In college I felt I had a greater purpose... but living here, I'm so busy dealing with these damn petty complaints that I can't even remember how or what I used to do that made me feel like I was somewhat helping the community (even in minuscule amounts)
I just don't know where to even begin...
When my grandma (my mom's mom) passed away when I was in college, I was sad and lonely, but I felt that she had left me her strength. My grandma was determined to live life the way she wanted, including becoming a monk despite everyone's protest. She was strong-willed, beautiful, and seemed happy with her life because she chose to follow her heart.
When my grandma (my dad's mom) passed away in January, I was inconsolable... 16 days later, my grandpa (my dad's dad) followed her. All I could and all I do feel now is their absence... They were "home"... my family life has always been crazy and chaotic, but wherever they were, it was "home"... I think what they've left with me is that it's time to find my own "home"... I felt safe coming "home" to them, but almost to a fault... I had no desire to travel or move away. I just wanted to always be near them. Now that they've gone, I have never had more of a desire to travel and see the world. I plan on doing this late next year, but until then, I'm just trying to figure out how to get on with real, everyday life.
I feel like I should have a sticker on my forehead that says, "Fragile, Handle With Care"... sometimes when I'm just walking around at lunch time, something triggers my memory and I start tearing... for someone who knows what happened in the last year, they might understand, but for most people, I haven't been able to talk about it. I reposted an entry I made private because maybe it's time I let people in again. I feel very distant from everyone because at first I didn't want to let anyone in anymore... I didn't want to hurt like this if someone else were to leave. But in my isolated world, I saw people reaching for me... pulling me out of my loneliness... I'm making small steps to let people in again. I just don't remember how I used to do it.
Working on a college campus makes me think of my own time in college. When I walk around, I see people who remind me of people I went to college with. I miss college, but it wouldn't be the same if I were to go back. It was about the time, the place, and the people. I miss college and who I was in college. I had passion, ambition, and strength when I was in college. I've lost all that now, I just have to find it again... I am disillusioned from the world by living in suburbia... This place where people have too much damn time to care about petty things like the fact that your weeds have grown in your front yard and send you a fucking notice that you will be fined if you do not remove it... instead of caring about the important things like the fact that there is a war still going on, despite our president saying that he'd work on pulling out of the war after the november elections revealed how dissatisfied the nation was with his performance... In college I felt I had a greater purpose... but living here, I'm so busy dealing with these damn petty complaints that I can't even remember how or what I used to do that made me feel like I was somewhat helping the community (even in minuscule amounts)
I just don't know where to even begin...