preparing to open pandora's box...
After nearly a year of shelf-life, I'm taking some of my ideas and trying to bring them back to life... video ideas, anthology ideas... but what i'm realizing is that the more i am working towards these, the more skeletons i'm finding in my closet... it seems that despite all my efforts to leave the past behind me, they keep creeping up on me...
i watched my brother get recognized yesterday at his last football game... no, not as a football player, but as a band member :) ... what's funny is that all i remember from my high school band is that there were maybe ten people, but perhaps i just don't remember it clearly because it wasn't a significant part of my life... but his band has 100 some odd people... and as i watched my brother, i was suddenly so proud... he had remained committed to something in his 4 years of high school... and he made a lot of friends and really found a way to fit in in a school that i had felt so isolated and alone... but not only that, but he really seemed to love being a part of it... it comes with its setbacks, such as taking up all his time, but he really loves it... most of the senior band members were all walking with a parent or both parents... and then i was completely crushed that this has been so much a part of his life for the last 4 years, but no one but me was there to witness this... my brother brushes off the fact that we never go to anything... and i've offered countless times to go, but he always says no... but this time i insisted, and i'm glad i went... he immersed himself in this world in order to avoid the loneliness of being part of this family... i put my dreams and goals aside to try and give him some normalcy, someone he can count on, and just a regular childhood... but as i watched him perform, i wanted more for him... i wanted him to have 2 parents that would come to games... 2 parents that he could count on to be there... but all he has is a sister who's sometimes bitter towards him because she decided to come home... a sister who's stuck in her own world for most of the time, except on rare occasions when she remembers to come up for air... as much as i try to do for him, i can never be his parent... i have neither the life experience, nor the selflessness...
with everything going on, i've been avoiding dealing with my emotions... only because they are too much for me to handle... and because everyday life seems so trivial at times that it's hard to keep going... and because i have too much idle time at work, which will eat me alive if i keep thinking about it... and because i am trying to hold on to some composure... and because i don't want to become bitter (well, more than usual) towards the world... because the times i have thought about it have left me paralyzed with puffy eyes and a lonely silence... i remain vague because even now i have trouble admitting to my closest friends the devastating hole this is burning in my heart. I'm not alone in this... and yet, I am alone... I feel very blessed that I have many friends I can call and seek comfort, but please forgive me for not calling. It takes more energy to talk about it because then it becomes more real... I love you all, and regardless of whether or not you're aware of it, knowing that you all are there going on with your every day lives gives me strength...
I'm doing what I can... I'm starting to write again... very slowly, word by word, but it's starting again... and hopefully this will help me process everything... and when i'm ready, i'll begin to share it with you all... for now i'm trying to take my life for what it is and appreciate the things i have and the little things...
... and with that i must return to every day life and get ready to go to work...
i watched my brother get recognized yesterday at his last football game... no, not as a football player, but as a band member :) ... what's funny is that all i remember from my high school band is that there were maybe ten people, but perhaps i just don't remember it clearly because it wasn't a significant part of my life... but his band has 100 some odd people... and as i watched my brother, i was suddenly so proud... he had remained committed to something in his 4 years of high school... and he made a lot of friends and really found a way to fit in in a school that i had felt so isolated and alone... but not only that, but he really seemed to love being a part of it... it comes with its setbacks, such as taking up all his time, but he really loves it... most of the senior band members were all walking with a parent or both parents... and then i was completely crushed that this has been so much a part of his life for the last 4 years, but no one but me was there to witness this... my brother brushes off the fact that we never go to anything... and i've offered countless times to go, but he always says no... but this time i insisted, and i'm glad i went... he immersed himself in this world in order to avoid the loneliness of being part of this family... i put my dreams and goals aside to try and give him some normalcy, someone he can count on, and just a regular childhood... but as i watched him perform, i wanted more for him... i wanted him to have 2 parents that would come to games... 2 parents that he could count on to be there... but all he has is a sister who's sometimes bitter towards him because she decided to come home... a sister who's stuck in her own world for most of the time, except on rare occasions when she remembers to come up for air... as much as i try to do for him, i can never be his parent... i have neither the life experience, nor the selflessness...
with everything going on, i've been avoiding dealing with my emotions... only because they are too much for me to handle... and because everyday life seems so trivial at times that it's hard to keep going... and because i have too much idle time at work, which will eat me alive if i keep thinking about it... and because i am trying to hold on to some composure... and because i don't want to become bitter (well, more than usual) towards the world... because the times i have thought about it have left me paralyzed with puffy eyes and a lonely silence... i remain vague because even now i have trouble admitting to my closest friends the devastating hole this is burning in my heart. I'm not alone in this... and yet, I am alone... I feel very blessed that I have many friends I can call and seek comfort, but please forgive me for not calling. It takes more energy to talk about it because then it becomes more real... I love you all, and regardless of whether or not you're aware of it, knowing that you all are there going on with your every day lives gives me strength...
I'm doing what I can... I'm starting to write again... very slowly, word by word, but it's starting again... and hopefully this will help me process everything... and when i'm ready, i'll begin to share it with you all... for now i'm trying to take my life for what it is and appreciate the things i have and the little things...
... and with that i must return to every day life and get ready to go to work...