I confess...
That I'm trying so desperately hard to not binge, and purge.
It was never a problem before.
Why is it now?
I stayed at me and my boyfriend's friend's house since monday and left thursday.
I didn't eat anything on the first day all day. At night I had a 1/2 sandwich from Subway.
The next day I didn't eat anything all day then at night I had a 1/2 burrito and 1/2 a mini
carton of noodles. The third day I didn't eat anything all day then I, somehow, decided to
eat a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and peanut butter, raisins, kettle corn, oatmeal,
and more raisins, and a piece of rye bread with jelly and a small amount of peanut butter.
I felt absolutely wonderful.
I was thinking to myself, "This is way too much food. Oh god. I can feel it distending. I know I gained
5 lbs. Oh god. Why.I never binge. This is revolting". So know what I did?
I went into the bathroom, made sure the boys didn't walk in on me by saying I'm going to shower and locked
the door, moved my hair aside, and fucked my throat with my fingers until everything was out of my fucking body.
I got everything out until I hit the popcorn. It came out of me like thick, acidic sludge. It was the most disgusting thing
I have ever seen and felt. I should have drank more water. I should've been drinking water the whole time. But my fat self
was too occupied with cramming strange combinations of food down my greedy gullet.
I puked into the toilet for a good 15-20 minutes. Then in the shower for another 20-25. Oh yeah, the night before we got there I had some
hot cocoa. I puked that out too. Along with the chocolate.
I don't know what possessed me but I'm so glad I didn't purge yesterday, even though I had more food than I've ever had in a very long time.
That's why I stayed up so late. To digest. Everything.
*sigh*
I feel so sick of myself. I just want to make everything go away. I want to melt away the space around me that defines my body and pull
me closer to myself. Shrinking into myself. Seeing the parts of me on the outside that are supposed to stay on the inside.
Bones.
God.
I don't want them to go away....
It was never a problem before.
Why is it now?
I stayed at me and my boyfriend's friend's house since monday and left thursday.
I didn't eat anything on the first day all day. At night I had a 1/2 sandwich from Subway.
The next day I didn't eat anything all day then at night I had a 1/2 burrito and 1/2 a mini
carton of noodles. The third day I didn't eat anything all day then I, somehow, decided to
eat a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and peanut butter, raisins, kettle corn, oatmeal,
and more raisins, and a piece of rye bread with jelly and a small amount of peanut butter.
I felt absolutely wonderful.
I was thinking to myself, "This is way too much food. Oh god. I can feel it distending. I know I gained
5 lbs. Oh god. Why.I never binge. This is revolting". So know what I did?
I went into the bathroom, made sure the boys didn't walk in on me by saying I'm going to shower and locked
the door, moved my hair aside, and fucked my throat with my fingers until everything was out of my fucking body.
I got everything out until I hit the popcorn. It came out of me like thick, acidic sludge. It was the most disgusting thing
I have ever seen and felt. I should have drank more water. I should've been drinking water the whole time. But my fat self
was too occupied with cramming strange combinations of food down my greedy gullet.
I puked into the toilet for a good 15-20 minutes. Then in the shower for another 20-25. Oh yeah, the night before we got there I had some
hot cocoa. I puked that out too. Along with the chocolate.
I don't know what possessed me but I'm so glad I didn't purge yesterday, even though I had more food than I've ever had in a very long time.
That's why I stayed up so late. To digest. Everything.
*sigh*
I feel so sick of myself. I just want to make everything go away. I want to melt away the space around me that defines my body and pull
me closer to myself. Shrinking into myself. Seeing the parts of me on the outside that are supposed to stay on the inside.
Bones.
God.
I don't want them to go away....