I'm not perfect.
ok. so I'm feeling a bit nauseaous, right now... I hate being in my room. It makes me feel like.. really bad and sad and depressed. Hopefully, I won't get stupid thoughts and do the things that I tried once before.. though this room seems to plague me with thoughts of nothing else. It's ok. I had a lot to think about this weekend, being isolated from all of my friends and all.. and I basically thought... I can't wait to get out of this damn world and everything. Anyway.. Yeah, I just started thinking.. I was with my sister today, and we were cutting Merlin's hair, and I started thinking.. where would I be right now if I'd have succesfully O.Ded? you know? Like... what would I be doing, where would I be going...? Would anyone miss me? My sister wrote me a 5 page long letter while I was at the hospital, but I'm too scared to read it. I want to stop crying. I want to stop crying for stupid things.. like Tom Cruise's pretend son Robbie, who I thought had died. you know? So the letter is just sitting there inside my bookbag, beckoning to be read, but I'm stopping myself. I don't want to read it. I was on that hospital bed, the first night.. I was in so much damn pain.. and I was just thinking about my friends, and how I'd hurt them if I died, and what if they really DO care, and what have I done? and How am I going to go about this if I get out of it alive? and everything... I started crying, I was so upset. I didn't want to scare my family, so I decided to make up some bullshit story as to why I did it, but I'll never tell them the truth. As stupid as it may be... or maybe not as stupid.. I don't know, they'll never understand what the hell was running through my head as I tried to end my own life, you know? It's insane, I'm here talking about this again. like in 8th grade, and this time, I got a lot closer. It's like I was ready.. but something else said I wasn't. I was so scared, and it just gives me such a different view on everything. Hopefully I will live up to it. I can't say I've found God... not in the good ole fashioned Christian way, but I can say I found something.. or I'd just go crazy. I guess that's what I was.. I was one of those that served as a balance for people who barely believe, and others who would die if they were to find out their whole ideas about faith were based on nothing. Suicide attempt... not the way to find God, but good enough huh? It brought my whole family closer... and perhaps it distanced me from a few friends and people sorrounding me, but I don't care... sorta. I can't look at another pill the same though. I was barely in danger of dying, they said. But it's bullshit, cause the actual doctor said I was. If I'da taken a bit more, I might have. I was high enough as it was when I went to sleep... what if I had never awoken from that sleep? I wonder how you guys would react. W/e.
The thought that I wouldn't be writing this right now, makes me want to call everyone and tell them I love them a lot. But I do that too much as it is.. and I might freak everyone out if I were to do that. I guess I'll let everyone know who reads this, that I fuckin appreciate them, and that I don't know what I'd do with out em. It's just... well, you know. I'll shut up, now.
The thought that I wouldn't be writing this right now, makes me want to call everyone and tell them I love them a lot. But I do that too much as it is.. and I might freak everyone out if I were to do that. I guess I'll let everyone know who reads this, that I fuckin appreciate them, and that I don't know what I'd do with out em. It's just... well, you know. I'll shut up, now.