Worst. Songs. EVER.
I was reading my past lists thinking about what to do next. I've knocked out my favorite songs, CDs, and bands, as well as the abandoned favorite DVD list (the latest I'll try to revamp and get back to at a later date).
Then I began thinking that maybe I was putting all my energy towards all my favorites. What about the opposite end of the spectrum? So with that thought in mind, I compiled a list of 100 Worst Songs Ever Made. I'm sure you've all read several other outlets with their opinions on this topic. But they're all wrong, and clearly I'm right. I thought about stringing it over x-number of weeks like I have in the past, I'm just going to spew the entire thing out right in one post Laszlow fashion. So here it is, enjoy the worst of the worst.
100 - "Bittersweet Symphony" - the Verve
So everyone loves this song? Not me. That violin part repeated over and over is unbelievably annoying. And I swear if I hear this at any more graduations, I'm going to shoot out the speakers. The structure of the song is boring and uninspired. Why is it this song is so loved?
99 - "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" - Poison
This song is a classic and really the prototype for all hair metal ballads. And of all the power ballads out there, this is the most puke inducing schmoozy bullshit ones to come out. Spare me, Bret Micheals.
98 - "Life is a Highway" - Tom Cochrane
The scraggly chorus is band enough, but using cheap unimaginative metaphors is what really lands this song on this list. Similes should be banned from music, they all suck like a vaccuum (using similes in reviews is completely acceptable, so eat me).
97 - "Every Breath You Take" - the Police
Truth be told, I don't mind the Police. And really, the music to this song is decent for the time period. What lands it on the all time worst is the lyrics. Have a read for yourself. This ain't a love song, Sting is a stalker. A very very perturbed stalker.
96 - "Beverly Hills" - Weezer
This one may be biased to hardcore Weezer fans since if someone hadn't heard this song before, it wouldn't be as smash your head into a wall inducing. But to people who knew how good of a band Weezer is/used to be, to hear them settle for this radio friendly nonsensical bullshit is a dark day in Weezer history. What makes it even worse is that every asshole with a popped collar and collegiate girl who dresses a little too slutty sings it. Urgh.
95 - "Everything Zen" - Bush
Gavin Rossdale cannot sing. Gavin Rossdale cannot play guitar. Gavin Rossdale cannot write music. And above all, Gavin Rossdale cannot write lyrics for the life of him. I submit some of the poignant verses of this cult classic:
*Minnie Mouse has grown up a cow/Dave's on sale again/We kissy-kiss in the rearview/We're bored/You're to blame
*I don't believe that Elvis is dead/I don't believe that Elvis is dead/I don't believe that Elvis is dead
And the coupe de grace...
*There's no sex in your violence
Truly moving words by a master linguist. Thank you, Gavin Rossdale.
94 - "Hats Off to (Roy) Harper" - Led Zeppelin
Not even the almighty Zeppelin could escape the list. The last song on their folk-rock album III ends up here. Anyone who has heard it knows why. It's nonsensical garbled guitars, acoustic guitars, banjos, and Robert Plant wailing off key and not on tempo. Some try to play it off as bluegrass. I play it off as "God, that sucked"
93 - "Hey There, Delillah" - Plain White T's
The official awkward slow dance with that girl you kinda like of middle school dances across the nation. Who the hell names their kid Delilah nowadays anyway?
92 - "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette
You know what's really ironic? A song called "Ironic" that has absoulutely no ironies in it at all. "Rain on your wedding day" is just unfortunate, "A no smoking sign on your cigarette break" is funny, and "good advice that you just didn't take" just means you're a dumbass. Get a clue, Alanis.
91 - "Crawling" - Linkin Park
Cry me a freaking river, Chester. Unoriginal and very untalented, straight chords all the way through. This song is a big part of the shortlived "Y-ner (whiner) rock" genre.
90 - "Lullaby" - Shawn Mullins
Hm. Here I wonder why speak-singing never got into the mainstream. Pass on this shit.
89 - "I Love Rock and Roll" - Joan Jett
Well rock and roll doesn't love you, Joan. One of the worst rock anthems ever.
88 - "La La" - Ashlee Simpson
I got to give them credit. They're coming up with really unique analogies of saying "I'm a slut" nowadays. "You make me want to la la" is one I would never have thought up. Points getting added onto this one because she's a lipsynching douche who should've Milli Vanilli'd her way out of Hollywood.
87 - "I Think I'm in Love with You" - Jessica Simpson
This one is a potent combination of bad. Step 1, add gag-me-with-a-chainsaw "I wuv you" subject. Step 2, powder puff vocals. Step 3, use a back beat stolen from another exceedingly annoying song ("Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Douchebag). Truly it's a team effort that helps make this song ungodly awful.
86 - "Sussudio" - Phil Collins
Phil Collins is making up words and singing them in front of a synthesizer. Never a good sign.
85 - "This is the New Shit" - Marilyn Manson
The only thing good about Manson's past work was the inclusion of John 5 and Twiggy. What happens when they get fired? "This is the New Shit". What destroys this song is the abhoring lyrics. There's no place you can hide from the sixth grade level lyrics. Plus the chorus is inane in it's "Let's rebel" motif. "Do we get it?! (No!) Do we want it?! (Yeah!)". I smell bullshit.
84 - "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" - Kenny Chesney
I hope she thinks you getting shot in the face is sexy too, because that's what's just about to happen. Twangy country plus asanine stupidity equals the 84th worst song ever.
83 - "Soak Up the Sun" - Sheryl Crow
There is one line in this song that completely irradicates any and all credibility this song attained (not that it attained any, just figuratively speaking).
"I don't have digital/I don't have diddly-squat"
If you resort to little kid words in your "serious" song, forget it, you lose. The rest of the song is bad, but I can never get my head around that one lyric.
82 - "Hollywood" - Collective Soul
This is actually just personal preference, albeit it is a terrible song. But had I not been working at Target, I wouldn't have cared that much. But seeing that Collective Soul's new CD was exclusively sold at Target, I heard this song. A lot. It played nearly nonstop on all the TVs in electronics. I'd say on average, I heard the song at least 9 times a day. If that doesn't make you want to punch a baby, I don't know what would.
81 - "Trapped in the Closet" - R. Kelly
R. Kelly loves it and he thinks he's a god in the R&B world. Everyone else is laughing their asses off. Single handedly the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. Even the Weird Al parody is actually better structured and musically fit than this one. I take this song as a comedy. But as a serious song? You guessed it: terrible.
80 - "Thank U" - Alanis Morissette
What is this, an acceptance speech at the Grammy's? Shut up, nobody cares. Serious points have to be added for this because of the video. There are a number of singers who I wouldn't mind watching a video of them walking around the city singing naked. Alanis Morissette is not on that list. Shudder.
79 - "To Be with You" - Mr. Big
It's amazing how one song can tarnish a band's entire image. Mr. Big was actually a pretty kicking band for it's time, giving us the gods of their respective instruments Billy Sheehan and Paul Gilbert. But the name of their band will forever be tied to see annoying drub of a "ballad". Boring, uninspired, and also a little bit creepy if you listen to the lyrics. What is she, a hooker?
78 - "Like a Rock" - Bob Seger
Growing up, this song played on every single Chevrolet commercial up until 2004 or so. If hearing a song nearly every time you turned on the TV for 18 years isn't enough for you to hate it, I don't know what is.
77 - "Hot in Herre" - Nelly
Is the extra 'r' really necessary? But anyway, this song is catchy, but it's the worst kind of catchy. It's not the vocals or the lyrics or even the keyboards. The only thing that grabs you is the bass drum. That's all it needs. Other than that, any song that has a bad chorus that will get people singing it over and over and over and over and over again will inevitably end up on this list. And this one fits that bill perfectly.
76 - "Somebody Told Me" - the Killers
Next gen-new wave is a genre that should never have existed. These guys are clowns. And this song winds up here for simply this:
"Somebody told me/That you had a boyfriend/Who looked like a girlfriend/That I had February of last year"
....What? So... she's dating a sex changed man? It makes no goddamn sense. And the synths in that song are enough to make me rip my ears out.
75 - "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - the Darkness
They tried to bring back classic rock. They failed. Particularly Justin Hawkins. Please, please, PLEASE never sing in a shitty falsetto ever again. It sends shivers down my spine whenever I hear "Just listen to the rhythm of my heart". This song is trash.
74 - "Get Together" - the Youngbloods
Shut up and die in a fire, you hippies.
73 - "R-O-C-K in the USA" - John Mellencamp
I'm sure 2nd graders love this song. It helps them spell, it makes them feel patriotic, and it ROCKS!!!!!!!!!! This is such a kiddie song that it's laughable if anyone over 10 admits they like this song.
72 - "I've Got My Mind Set On You" - George Harrison
I like to imagine how this song was made like this. The studio manager and producer came in to find George Harrison asleep on a desk with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. They wake him up and he drunkenly wakes up. They ask if he has his hit song ready to go. Harrison hands them a notebook... and on the notebook is 3 lines of lyrics. But with no time left, they had to try and turn it into a full song. so they repeated it upwards of at least 13 times. Seriously. This might have been the reason why George stuck to the music writing and not the lyrics in the Beatles.
71 - "One Headlight" - the Wallflowers
The Wallflowers were the worst band of the 90s. Thank this trifle of a song.
70 - "Milkshake" - Kelis
Women should never be allowed to rap. Ever. I know a bitch I'd like to dropkick right now.
69 - "Sk8r Boi" - Avril Lavigne
Thanks for deteriorating our already decrepid youth, Avril. I seriously weep every time I hear this song. My ears grown in pain. Thank god it's long gone.
68 - "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Sheryl Crow
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the worst cover song of all time. Sheryl Crow took a righteous piece of rock and turned it into a acoustic pop woman sung turd. She takes everything good about the original GNR track and shits on it. If I was Axl, I would've murdered her. But knowing him, he probably just sued her a bunch of times because that's what he does. Bitch, moan, and sue.
67 - "Last Resort" - Papa Roach
O NO, MOMMY AND DADDY DON'T LOVE ME!! WHERE IS MY RAZOR!! I'M GOING TO CUT MYSELF A LOT AND I PROBABLY WON'T WAKE UP THIS TIME!!
Fuck off, you suicidal jerks. Go ahead and do it so I dont have to listen to your shitty corporate rock music anymore.
66 - "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" - Eiffel 65
Here's why club songs rarely leave the club for public radio. Because it sucks. But good news! They were one hit wonders and are back on the streets in France most likely.
65 - "Faith" - Limp Bizkit
How do you make a bad song even worse? Having a bad band do an even worse version of it. And the worldwide hatred toward Fred Durst begins...
64 - "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" - Trace Adkins
Need I say anything at all? Nay, I needn't.
63 - "Informer" - Snow
I don't know what the marketing gurus were thinking when they inked this guy to a deal back in the 90s. I think the market for a white Canadian reggae rapper is quite slim. Snow spits the verses out so quick that you can't hear the words. But if you slow it down and try to listen, you'll laugh at it's insane sub-content. It doesn't help the song's case that the chorus, which is repeated upwards of 20 times, features the phrase " a licky boom-boom, yeah" twice.
62 - "(Get Out of My Dreams) Get Into My Car" - Billy Ocean
Cheesy pickup lines by an uber douche with a deep throated vocal style. The range of his vocals during the chorus is similar to that of the supposed "brown note". When Billy starts his pseudo crooning in the chorus, your throat loses all function and hurls everywhere. So it's true to say that Billy Ocean singing is a "puke note" if you will. I want to vomit just thinking about that song.
61 - "Nothing Compares to You" - Sinead O'Connor
The whiniest bullshit love song ever. Wavy vocals and gag me lyrics with some retarded synth or whatever underneath. It's a combination for utter disgust. And she was bald. Bald woman are not capable of love. We all know this.
60 - "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" - Toby Kieth
The national anthem for every Bud swilling, Nascar loving, mullet wearing, republican, racist schmuck.
59 - "All By Myself" - Eric Carmen/Mariah Carey
Funny. You say they're singing "all by myyyseeeeelf. Don't wanna be all by myyyyselllllf.". But all I hear is "whine whine whine whiiiiiiiiiine. I'm just a little.. whiiiiiinyyyy whoooore". If you haven't noticed, whiny schlogs are a prime contender for this list.
58 - "She Hates Me" - Puddle of Mudd
Stereotypical bullshit. This is the desperate attempt of a shitty band to have a "ARE YOU WITH ME RAWWWR!" song. It sounds like a 7th grader wrote it after he "broke up" with his "girlfriend". Then it hit me... Wes Scantlin is apparently a 7th grader... a really tall 7th grader with long hair and a deep voice. How else do you explain it?
57 - "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback
Any and all songs that made Chad Kroeger relevent in any sense is an automatic on this list.
56 - "Thong Song" - Sisqo
I'm still trying to figure out "she had dumps like a truck". But aside from that, it's just one of those songs that has absolutely zero substance or staying power and stands out as one of the most annoying flash in the pan one hit wonders ever.
55 - "Beautiful" - James Blunt
I will bet you dollars to donuts that 5 years ago, James Blunt was a college douchebag who desperately was bad with women. Then John Mayer with his blend of crap music came out. And James had a new idol. This James Blunt and John Mayer and the like have formed the genre that I like to call "douche rock". And this song is a staple in the douche rock genre.
54 - "Vertigo" - U2
UNO. DOS. TRES. CATORCE!!!!
HULLO!! HULLO!! (HOLA!!!!!)
I'M AT UH PLACE CULLED VERTIGOOO
EVERTHING I WISH I DID'N KNOW
BUT U GIV ME SUMTHIN I CAN FEEEEEEEL
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
Yep, those lyrics pretty much sum it up.
53 - "Papa Don't Preach" - Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne is frown.
Madonna's music is frown.
Kelly Osbourne singing Madonna's music?
MEGA FROWN
52 - "Rehab" - Amy Winehouse
Druggy bitch in denial sings like a man.
Yep, that'll make for a winning song.
51 - "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit
Oh, Fred Durst. Your suckitude was on display in mass quantities in this song. Take your crummy red hat, shitty soul patch, and bad lyrics, and stick it up your YEAH! Stick it up your YEAH!
50 - "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" - Britney Spears
All the heart broken 6th graders finally have a song to play when they find out Billy and Jimmy don't like them. Because, you know, it's completely heart breaking and they'll never recover from this pain.
49 - "Bad Day" - Daniel Powter
Douche rock at it's "finest". There's something about this guy's singing that makes me want to take a machete to his larynx. And that something is.. the entire song. While he's singing about "sing a sad song just to turn it around", I'm dreaming of gouging his voicebox with a cleaver. So in a way, it's a very violent song.. at least for me.
48 - "Down With the Sickness" - Disturbed
With such poignant lyrics such as "You fucker get up, come on, get down with the sickness", it's a wonder how this one isn't an instant rock staple. There is so much wrong with this one, how do you begin. His bullshit howl at the beginning to disgustingly harsh on the ears. But it's not the lyrics or the pathetic howling and grunting in the intro, the coupe de grace of this song belongs to the "bridge" that features David Draiman whining and ranting like a lunatic about how mommy is a whore. Grow a pair and get over it, you assclown.
47 - "Baby, One More Time" - Britney Spears
The song that set off all this social and dysfunctional retardation.
46 - "I Want to Know What Love Is" - Foreigner
Whenever I hear this vomit-inducing chud of a song, I get one image in my head. A loser in high school who has a crush on this sweetheart. But she doesn't feel the same way. Desperate and heartbroken, the loser rides his bike to the girl's house with a boombox, blares this song standing on her lawn, and weeping like a little bitch. All the while, the girl is just thinking "Christ, what a loser". That moment is all encapsuled in this song to me.
45 - "How Can We Be Lovers (If We Can't Be Friends)" - Micheal Bolton
I'm pretty sure half of this hatred list could be comprised of Micheal Bolton songs. But I refrained and instead chose his absolute worst song. Much to my surprise, it was not the gag-reflexing cover of "When a Man Loves a Woman", nor the schmoozy "Love is a Wonderful Thing", and not even putrid excuse for a romantic song like "Time, Love, and Tenderness". Nope, "How Can We Be Lovers" surpasses them all with ease. From the throaty pukey vocals Bolton has become famous for to the gaggy whiny puppy dog lyrics, this song is absolutely horrible in every essence.
44 - "Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
This may be a karaoke favorite, but that doesn't make it a good song. Not in the least. This is the pinnacle of power ballads of the 80s. That is a pinnacle that no one should ever want. Congratulations, Journey. You guys suck some kind of bad.
43 - "Boys" - Britney Spears
Is there a Britney song that doesn't make me want to light my ears on fire? I submit no.
42 - "London Bridge" - Fergie
I believe this entry says all that needs to be said.
41 - "Oops, I Did it Again" - Britney Spears
This one has to be the worst, taking a slight lead seemingly only because of the flatulence construed title. Anyone else still find this song title hilarious?
40 - "Sweet Home Alabama" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
I love Skynyrd. But this song is quite possibly the most overplayed song in the history of music. You're bound to get absolutely sick of something if you have it too much. Honestly, I'd be content if I never heard this song again. Sorry Skynyrd, I'll stick with "Simple Man", "Call Me the Breeze", and "Mr. Saturday Night Special" for my Lynyrd fix, thanks.
39 - "Hey, Yah" - Outkast
All you need to know about this song is summed up in this memory. Driving around with Tim and Josh awhile back, Josh had put this CD in. We listened to it for a couple tracks and this one came on. All three of us groaned in pain at the same time. Tim takes the CD out of the player, opens his window, and heaves it out the window onto the highway. Josh was kind of in shock because he had just bought the CD. But I was relieved as hell. By the by, congratulations Andre 3000. You have one of the worst lyrics of all time: "Shake, shake, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture". Ass.
38 - "Danger Zone" - Kenny Loggins
The director of Top Gun wanted a pretty badass song to go with the renegade facade of the main character, Maverick. That's all well and good, but it's hard to sound badass with an electric drumset and a synthesizer. And it goes without saying, I guarantee you will never find a song that more embodies the 80s than this song.
37 - "Jump" - Van Halen
I hate Van Halen. Plain and simple. Don't ask me if I prefer Hagar or Roth because I'll tell you to fuck off. This song is the epitome of my hatred towards this band. Retarded and out of place synth line with a retarded as fuck chorus. "Might as well jump". No. Might as well throw flaming ninja stars at your colon. Die! How dare you ruin the Kinks' classic earlier in your career, you assholes!
36 - "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" - Wham
Ear cancer would put me in less pain.
35 - "Yah Mo B There" - Micheal McDonald
I'll take the quote from David on the 40-Year Old Virgin: "If I have to listen to 'Yah Mo B There' one more time, I'm gonna Yah Mo burn this place to the ground". I hate this guy. He thinks he's the last remaining crooner from the days of Wayne Newton and Robert Goulet and assclowns like that. Here's a tip: Yah mo die a painful death.
34 - "Rock and Roll, Part 2" aka: "The 'Hey' Song" - Gary Glitter
I want to know what Gary's thought process was for writing this song. "Here we go, I'll play some chords on this horridly appropriated synthesizer a couple times, then yell HEY! a couple of times. Then I'll repeat it in essence of 5 times. Ok, song written. Now time to look at my kiddie porn." Fuck off, Gary Glitter.
33 - "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice
I know what you're thinking. This song so low on the list? To be blatantly honest, the song doesn't make me want to stick firecrackers in my ears or even make me reach for a barf bag. Don't get me wrong, it's still an ungodly bad song. But the real reason behind my hatred for this song is that it very nearly destroyed the Bowie/Queen song "Under Pressure". If you play the intro to both songs, the average schmuck will think "Ice Ice Baby" before "Under Pressure". And that's the sum of my hatred towards this song.
32 - "Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson
Three words come to mind. Shut. Up. Now. Whine-pop princess screeches out a disgusting schlub of ear-stabbing misery. Please tell me I'm not the only person who notices that Clarkson is tone deaf when she wails out the chorus. It's so evident that I think this was actually done at a karaoke lounge. Ugh, this song is downright putrid.
31 - "Institutionalized" - Suicidal Tendencies
This song is absolutely hilarious. And then I learned that they made this song seriously. So I laughed even harder. The second verse gets me laughing so hard. "I'm ok, Mom. How about a Pepsi! And she's like 'You're on drugs!'. And I'm like 'No, I was just thinking! I just want a Pepsi!'. All I wanted was a Pepsi!" It's so abhoringly bad that I don't think there's any way they actually took themselves seriously when making this song. How could they have?
30 - "Picture" - Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
Defenders of the song say that it's an inventive song depicting two sides of the story. Haha, no I just made that up. There are no defenders of this song. At least none that will openly admit it due to the backlash they'll get.
29 - "Stand" - R.E.M.
As if Zeppelin, Weezer, and Skynyrd have proven thus far, even good bands can make terrible songs. REM has the presitigious honor of having the worst possible song from a pretty good band. There is nothing good about this song. The lyrics are retarded, vocals uninspired, even the whammy solo in the middle is boring and hokey. When the song ends, you sneer and think "What the hell was that?"
28 - "Territorial Pissings" - Nirvana
If you ever meet a Nirvana fan who loves this song, dropkick them in the spleen. Wait, let me fix that. If you ever meet a Nirvana fan, dropkick them in the spleen. I would rather have a root canal than listen to this song.
27 - "Hero" - Enrique Inglesias
I don't think a man could ever sound like more of a pussy than this guy singing this song.
26 - "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
The boat sank... LET IT GO!
25 - "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" - Rod Stewart
I can appreciate this song for the sheer irony. Rod Stewart, one of the unsexiest men ever (as so claimed by many a source, not by my own vindication), singing a song claiming that he's uber sex. Other than the irony and the hilarity, the song makes stomachs everywhere churn in disgust.
24 - "Adam's Song" - Blink 182
A month or so after this song was released as a single, they found a kid in Colorado had hung himself while playing this song on repeat through his stereo. Good. If any kid was so depressed they felt this song was close to them enough to commit suicide to, they would have never made it in the real world. This is the most pathetic "ballad" I've ever heard. Such 6th grade lyrics and 5th grade guitars, it's utterly ridiculous. So little talent. But that's the name of Blink's game: astoundingly little talent (sans Travis Barker, who's actually a pretty good drummer). To be fair, if I had to listen to this song on a loop, I'd probably hang myself too. Not because I was depressed, but because this song is unbelievably terrible.
23 - "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" - Culture Club
Yes, Boy George, we really, really want to hurt you. Really.
22 - "I'll Be There For You" - the Rembrants
Rob Paravonian makes my case.
21 - "Macarena" - Los del Rio
The song that inspired the absolute worst "dance" ever.
20 - "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
I guarantee this is the "our song" to every 3 week junior high relationship ever.
19 - "Rock Star" - Nickelback
If being a rock star has anything to do with Chad Kroeger, I don't want anything to do with it.
18 - "The Reason" - Hoobastank
Women say it's the most romantic song ever. Guys try to hold in their laughter.
17 - "Tubthumping" - Chumbawumba
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
IGETKNOCKEDDOWN
BUTIGETUPAGAIN
IGETKNOCKEDBUT
GETUPGAIN
IKNOCKBUTGETUP
KNOCKDOWN
UPAGAIN
KNOCKAGAIN
For the love of God and all that is holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
16 - "We Are the World" - USA for Africa
American recording artists are so pious they have to make a pity song for Africa. Between this song and Live Aid and Live 8, I think it's hilarious about how we're all concerned with Africa, but don't do a thing about it except create bad songs and have mass concerts for them. The African counsel even said after Live 8 "Give us money, not music!" Greedy asshole, but he has a point.
15 - "Cotton Eyed Joe" - Rednex
I swear this song will put me into a mental institution one day.
14 - "Drift Away" - Dobie Gray
...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
13 - "Bawitdaba" - Kid Rock
Just like "Trapped in the Closet" and "Institutionalized" before it, this song is so absolutely horrid that it's fucking hilarious. It's hard to sound badass when you're yelling out a word that you made up.
12 - "Barbie Girl" - Aqua
I think we all know who to blame for this. Mattel. If they had just said "No" when they asked for permission to use the name, we wouldn't have to suffer through this vile piece of barf.
11 - "Music" - Madonna
The chorus claims: "Music/makes the people/come together"
It should really be: "My music/makes the people/shoot their brains out".
Absolutely the worst part is the electronica part of the chorus where Madonna claims "Do you like my acid rock?".
Seriously, and I mean this with every fiber of my being, go die in a fire, Madonna.
10 - "With Arms Wide Open" - Creed
This song is about Scott Stapp's kid who was just born at the time. This poor kid is going to have a horrible life. Most of it will stem from him being the offspring of Scott Stapp. He'll greet his young, self-taken death "with arms wide open" too, Scott.
9 - "This is Our Country" - John Mellencamp
A Chevrolet spokesman walked up to John Mellencamp and asked him to make a song that sounds patriotic and unifying for their American made cars and trucks. Mellencamp responded with the most elementary lyrics and 9 year old level patriotism. And Chevy loved it for some reason, so much they decided to play it in EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL during sports season. This song actually has the opposite effect on me: I feel more and more bitterness toward this country every time I hear it. I'm seriously thinking about moving to Canada. At least they don't make bullshit corporate songs about patriotism in Canada.
8 - "MmmBop" - Hanson
Yep. That's about the size of it.
7 - "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie
Make no mistake about it, Fergie is the absolute worst person who ever has or ever will have a record contract.
6 - "Redneck Woman" - Gretchen Wilson
If there's one thing that's worse than white trash women, it's white trash women that are proud of it. And who's to blame for this reinstated pride? Gretchen Wilson.
5 - "Rollin'" - Limp Bizkit
Without a doubt, the absolute worst lyrics of all time. This song is like an abomination to all things music.
4 - "Who Let the Dogs Out" - Baha Men
What's worse than a bad song? One that becomes a nationwide sensation overnight to the point that it blares in stadiums and gets written on t-shirts. This one fits the bill adequately.
3 - "Butterfly" - Crazy Town
The bar has been lowered, baby!
2 - "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
Instead of linking to my uberrant on this song, I'm just going to copy/paste it here for re-emphasis.
Things to do with a time machine:
*Warn Lincoln not to go into Ford Theater.
*Kill Hitler and prevent WWII
*Stop the Black Eyed Peas from making "My Humps"
If you don't think the third one on that list is as important as the first two, you obviously haven't heard the song. The awesomely badness of that song rivals the assassination of a president and the beginning of a war in awesomely badness. The song is so bad, I think ear cancer would put me in less pain than listening to it.
It follows every major stereotype for a crappy rap song.
*Reference to big booty and big boobies? Check.
*Reference to bling bling and money and buying shit? Check.
*More than 12 references to sexual connotation? Check.
*Annoying as hell back beat? Check.
*Absence of creativity? Check.
*Repetition? Double-check.
*Obligatory female saying how sExY she is? Check.
Yep, this one more than qualifies for an annoying rap song.
But it's more than just an annoying rap song. This is like... the mother of all annoyances. I honestly think this can rival the likes of "Ice Ice Baby" and "We Built This City on Rock and Roll" as the worst songs of all freaking time. If not the worst song ever, you can certainly make the case. It's a rule that if a song has the word "Humps" in excess of 200 times, then it belongs on the Worst Songs Ever list. It was the worst song in the world to me after the first line. In fact, let's tackle this song line by line.
"Whatcha gonna do with all that junk. All that junk inside your trunk."
AWESOME. Not a shed of creativity there at all.
Why is that an acceptable lyric anyway? He's basically calling you a fat ass.
"I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump"
... Pardon?
For the record, the first time I heard it--and I actually still think it too--I don't think the word "humps" is the best euphemism for ass. That's down the list of things I think of when I hear "humps". First thing I think of is a camel. Then I think of a person with a humpback. Then I think Quasimoto. And I think we can all agree that a back hump is NOT sexy. So getting "love drunk off my hump" sounds extremely disturbing in that scenario.
"My hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps"
SHUT UP, Quasimoto! Halfway through that, I just have a knee-jerk reaction to hit the skip button.
"I drive these brothers crazy
I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely
They buy me all these icies."
Whore.
...Skip down a bit...
"I mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky, milky cocoa puff
I mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky, milky, riiiiiight"
After that innuendo, I can never have Cocoa Puffs again. Bastards.
"They say I’m really sexy
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me
Always dancing next to me
Tryin’ to feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can’t touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama"
Start some drama? Call the police, you dumbshit! That's a little thing called sexual assault. Soon, she'll be gagged and tied up with her throat slit in the back of a trunk with her underwear down around her feet. Yeah... "start some drama". That'll solve it.
1 - "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper
This is the one: the song that makes me regret ever being born with ears. The song that makes me envy the deaf. The song that makes grown men weep. This is easily #1.
Then I began thinking that maybe I was putting all my energy towards all my favorites. What about the opposite end of the spectrum? So with that thought in mind, I compiled a list of 100 Worst Songs Ever Made. I'm sure you've all read several other outlets with their opinions on this topic. But they're all wrong, and clearly I'm right. I thought about stringing it over x-number of weeks like I have in the past, I'm just going to spew the entire thing out right in one post Laszlow fashion. So here it is, enjoy the worst of the worst.
100 - "Bittersweet Symphony" - the Verve
So everyone loves this song? Not me. That violin part repeated over and over is unbelievably annoying. And I swear if I hear this at any more graduations, I'm going to shoot out the speakers. The structure of the song is boring and uninspired. Why is it this song is so loved?
99 - "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" - Poison
This song is a classic and really the prototype for all hair metal ballads. And of all the power ballads out there, this is the most puke inducing schmoozy bullshit ones to come out. Spare me, Bret Micheals.
98 - "Life is a Highway" - Tom Cochrane
The scraggly chorus is band enough, but using cheap unimaginative metaphors is what really lands this song on this list. Similes should be banned from music, they all suck like a vaccuum (using similes in reviews is completely acceptable, so eat me).
97 - "Every Breath You Take" - the Police
Truth be told, I don't mind the Police. And really, the music to this song is decent for the time period. What lands it on the all time worst is the lyrics. Have a read for yourself. This ain't a love song, Sting is a stalker. A very very perturbed stalker.
96 - "Beverly Hills" - Weezer
This one may be biased to hardcore Weezer fans since if someone hadn't heard this song before, it wouldn't be as smash your head into a wall inducing. But to people who knew how good of a band Weezer is/used to be, to hear them settle for this radio friendly nonsensical bullshit is a dark day in Weezer history. What makes it even worse is that every asshole with a popped collar and collegiate girl who dresses a little too slutty sings it. Urgh.
95 - "Everything Zen" - Bush
Gavin Rossdale cannot sing. Gavin Rossdale cannot play guitar. Gavin Rossdale cannot write music. And above all, Gavin Rossdale cannot write lyrics for the life of him. I submit some of the poignant verses of this cult classic:
*Minnie Mouse has grown up a cow/Dave's on sale again/We kissy-kiss in the rearview/We're bored/You're to blame
*I don't believe that Elvis is dead/I don't believe that Elvis is dead/I don't believe that Elvis is dead
And the coupe de grace...
*There's no sex in your violence
Truly moving words by a master linguist. Thank you, Gavin Rossdale.
94 - "Hats Off to (Roy) Harper" - Led Zeppelin
Not even the almighty Zeppelin could escape the list. The last song on their folk-rock album III ends up here. Anyone who has heard it knows why. It's nonsensical garbled guitars, acoustic guitars, banjos, and Robert Plant wailing off key and not on tempo. Some try to play it off as bluegrass. I play it off as "God, that sucked"
93 - "Hey There, Delillah" - Plain White T's
The official awkward slow dance with that girl you kinda like of middle school dances across the nation. Who the hell names their kid Delilah nowadays anyway?
92 - "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette
You know what's really ironic? A song called "Ironic" that has absoulutely no ironies in it at all. "Rain on your wedding day" is just unfortunate, "A no smoking sign on your cigarette break" is funny, and "good advice that you just didn't take" just means you're a dumbass. Get a clue, Alanis.
91 - "Crawling" - Linkin Park
Cry me a freaking river, Chester. Unoriginal and very untalented, straight chords all the way through. This song is a big part of the shortlived "Y-ner (whiner) rock" genre.
90 - "Lullaby" - Shawn Mullins
Hm. Here I wonder why speak-singing never got into the mainstream. Pass on this shit.
89 - "I Love Rock and Roll" - Joan Jett
Well rock and roll doesn't love you, Joan. One of the worst rock anthems ever.
88 - "La La" - Ashlee Simpson
I got to give them credit. They're coming up with really unique analogies of saying "I'm a slut" nowadays. "You make me want to la la" is one I would never have thought up. Points getting added onto this one because she's a lipsynching douche who should've Milli Vanilli'd her way out of Hollywood.
87 - "I Think I'm in Love with You" - Jessica Simpson
This one is a potent combination of bad. Step 1, add gag-me-with-a-chainsaw "I wuv you" subject. Step 2, powder puff vocals. Step 3, use a back beat stolen from another exceedingly annoying song ("Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Douchebag). Truly it's a team effort that helps make this song ungodly awful.
86 - "Sussudio" - Phil Collins
Phil Collins is making up words and singing them in front of a synthesizer. Never a good sign.
85 - "This is the New Shit" - Marilyn Manson
The only thing good about Manson's past work was the inclusion of John 5 and Twiggy. What happens when they get fired? "This is the New Shit". What destroys this song is the abhoring lyrics. There's no place you can hide from the sixth grade level lyrics. Plus the chorus is inane in it's "Let's rebel" motif. "Do we get it?! (No!) Do we want it?! (Yeah!)". I smell bullshit.
84 - "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" - Kenny Chesney
I hope she thinks you getting shot in the face is sexy too, because that's what's just about to happen. Twangy country plus asanine stupidity equals the 84th worst song ever.
83 - "Soak Up the Sun" - Sheryl Crow
There is one line in this song that completely irradicates any and all credibility this song attained (not that it attained any, just figuratively speaking).
"I don't have digital/I don't have diddly-squat"
If you resort to little kid words in your "serious" song, forget it, you lose. The rest of the song is bad, but I can never get my head around that one lyric.
82 - "Hollywood" - Collective Soul
This is actually just personal preference, albeit it is a terrible song. But had I not been working at Target, I wouldn't have cared that much. But seeing that Collective Soul's new CD was exclusively sold at Target, I heard this song. A lot. It played nearly nonstop on all the TVs in electronics. I'd say on average, I heard the song at least 9 times a day. If that doesn't make you want to punch a baby, I don't know what would.
81 - "Trapped in the Closet" - R. Kelly
R. Kelly loves it and he thinks he's a god in the R&B world. Everyone else is laughing their asses off. Single handedly the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. Even the Weird Al parody is actually better structured and musically fit than this one. I take this song as a comedy. But as a serious song? You guessed it: terrible.
80 - "Thank U" - Alanis Morissette
What is this, an acceptance speech at the Grammy's? Shut up, nobody cares. Serious points have to be added for this because of the video. There are a number of singers who I wouldn't mind watching a video of them walking around the city singing naked. Alanis Morissette is not on that list. Shudder.
79 - "To Be with You" - Mr. Big
It's amazing how one song can tarnish a band's entire image. Mr. Big was actually a pretty kicking band for it's time, giving us the gods of their respective instruments Billy Sheehan and Paul Gilbert. But the name of their band will forever be tied to see annoying drub of a "ballad". Boring, uninspired, and also a little bit creepy if you listen to the lyrics. What is she, a hooker?
78 - "Like a Rock" - Bob Seger
Growing up, this song played on every single Chevrolet commercial up until 2004 or so. If hearing a song nearly every time you turned on the TV for 18 years isn't enough for you to hate it, I don't know what is.
77 - "Hot in Herre" - Nelly
Is the extra 'r' really necessary? But anyway, this song is catchy, but it's the worst kind of catchy. It's not the vocals or the lyrics or even the keyboards. The only thing that grabs you is the bass drum. That's all it needs. Other than that, any song that has a bad chorus that will get people singing it over and over and over and over and over again will inevitably end up on this list. And this one fits that bill perfectly.
76 - "Somebody Told Me" - the Killers
Next gen-new wave is a genre that should never have existed. These guys are clowns. And this song winds up here for simply this:
"Somebody told me/That you had a boyfriend/Who looked like a girlfriend/That I had February of last year"
....What? So... she's dating a sex changed man? It makes no goddamn sense. And the synths in that song are enough to make me rip my ears out.
75 - "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - the Darkness
They tried to bring back classic rock. They failed. Particularly Justin Hawkins. Please, please, PLEASE never sing in a shitty falsetto ever again. It sends shivers down my spine whenever I hear "Just listen to the rhythm of my heart". This song is trash.
74 - "Get Together" - the Youngbloods
Shut up and die in a fire, you hippies.
73 - "R-O-C-K in the USA" - John Mellencamp
I'm sure 2nd graders love this song. It helps them spell, it makes them feel patriotic, and it ROCKS!!!!!!!!!! This is such a kiddie song that it's laughable if anyone over 10 admits they like this song.
72 - "I've Got My Mind Set On You" - George Harrison
I like to imagine how this song was made like this. The studio manager and producer came in to find George Harrison asleep on a desk with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. They wake him up and he drunkenly wakes up. They ask if he has his hit song ready to go. Harrison hands them a notebook... and on the notebook is 3 lines of lyrics. But with no time left, they had to try and turn it into a full song. so they repeated it upwards of at least 13 times. Seriously. This might have been the reason why George stuck to the music writing and not the lyrics in the Beatles.
71 - "One Headlight" - the Wallflowers
The Wallflowers were the worst band of the 90s. Thank this trifle of a song.
70 - "Milkshake" - Kelis
Women should never be allowed to rap. Ever. I know a bitch I'd like to dropkick right now.
69 - "Sk8r Boi" - Avril Lavigne
Thanks for deteriorating our already decrepid youth, Avril. I seriously weep every time I hear this song. My ears grown in pain. Thank god it's long gone.
68 - "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Sheryl Crow
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the worst cover song of all time. Sheryl Crow took a righteous piece of rock and turned it into a acoustic pop woman sung turd. She takes everything good about the original GNR track and shits on it. If I was Axl, I would've murdered her. But knowing him, he probably just sued her a bunch of times because that's what he does. Bitch, moan, and sue.
67 - "Last Resort" - Papa Roach
O NO, MOMMY AND DADDY DON'T LOVE ME!! WHERE IS MY RAZOR!! I'M GOING TO CUT MYSELF A LOT AND I PROBABLY WON'T WAKE UP THIS TIME!!
Fuck off, you suicidal jerks. Go ahead and do it so I dont have to listen to your shitty corporate rock music anymore.
66 - "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" - Eiffel 65
Here's why club songs rarely leave the club for public radio. Because it sucks. But good news! They were one hit wonders and are back on the streets in France most likely.
65 - "Faith" - Limp Bizkit
How do you make a bad song even worse? Having a bad band do an even worse version of it. And the worldwide hatred toward Fred Durst begins...
64 - "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" - Trace Adkins
Need I say anything at all? Nay, I needn't.
63 - "Informer" - Snow
I don't know what the marketing gurus were thinking when they inked this guy to a deal back in the 90s. I think the market for a white Canadian reggae rapper is quite slim. Snow spits the verses out so quick that you can't hear the words. But if you slow it down and try to listen, you'll laugh at it's insane sub-content. It doesn't help the song's case that the chorus, which is repeated upwards of 20 times, features the phrase " a licky boom-boom, yeah" twice.
62 - "(Get Out of My Dreams) Get Into My Car" - Billy Ocean
Cheesy pickup lines by an uber douche with a deep throated vocal style. The range of his vocals during the chorus is similar to that of the supposed "brown note". When Billy starts his pseudo crooning in the chorus, your throat loses all function and hurls everywhere. So it's true to say that Billy Ocean singing is a "puke note" if you will. I want to vomit just thinking about that song.
61 - "Nothing Compares to You" - Sinead O'Connor
The whiniest bullshit love song ever. Wavy vocals and gag me lyrics with some retarded synth or whatever underneath. It's a combination for utter disgust. And she was bald. Bald woman are not capable of love. We all know this.
60 - "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" - Toby Kieth
The national anthem for every Bud swilling, Nascar loving, mullet wearing, republican, racist schmuck.
59 - "All By Myself" - Eric Carmen/Mariah Carey
Funny. You say they're singing "all by myyyseeeeelf. Don't wanna be all by myyyyselllllf.". But all I hear is "whine whine whine whiiiiiiiiiine. I'm just a little.. whiiiiiinyyyy whoooore". If you haven't noticed, whiny schlogs are a prime contender for this list.
58 - "She Hates Me" - Puddle of Mudd
Stereotypical bullshit. This is the desperate attempt of a shitty band to have a "ARE YOU WITH ME RAWWWR!" song. It sounds like a 7th grader wrote it after he "broke up" with his "girlfriend". Then it hit me... Wes Scantlin is apparently a 7th grader... a really tall 7th grader with long hair and a deep voice. How else do you explain it?
57 - "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback
Any and all songs that made Chad Kroeger relevent in any sense is an automatic on this list.
56 - "Thong Song" - Sisqo
I'm still trying to figure out "she had dumps like a truck". But aside from that, it's just one of those songs that has absolutely zero substance or staying power and stands out as one of the most annoying flash in the pan one hit wonders ever.
55 - "Beautiful" - James Blunt
I will bet you dollars to donuts that 5 years ago, James Blunt was a college douchebag who desperately was bad with women. Then John Mayer with his blend of crap music came out. And James had a new idol. This James Blunt and John Mayer and the like have formed the genre that I like to call "douche rock". And this song is a staple in the douche rock genre.
54 - "Vertigo" - U2
UNO. DOS. TRES. CATORCE!!!!
HULLO!! HULLO!! (HOLA!!!!!)
I'M AT UH PLACE CULLED VERTIGOOO
EVERTHING I WISH I DID'N KNOW
BUT U GIV ME SUMTHIN I CAN FEEEEEEEL
FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH
Yep, those lyrics pretty much sum it up.
53 - "Papa Don't Preach" - Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne is frown.
Madonna's music is frown.
Kelly Osbourne singing Madonna's music?
MEGA FROWN
52 - "Rehab" - Amy Winehouse
Druggy bitch in denial sings like a man.
Yep, that'll make for a winning song.
51 - "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit
Oh, Fred Durst. Your suckitude was on display in mass quantities in this song. Take your crummy red hat, shitty soul patch, and bad lyrics, and stick it up your YEAH! Stick it up your YEAH!
50 - "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" - Britney Spears
All the heart broken 6th graders finally have a song to play when they find out Billy and Jimmy don't like them. Because, you know, it's completely heart breaking and they'll never recover from this pain.
49 - "Bad Day" - Daniel Powter
Douche rock at it's "finest". There's something about this guy's singing that makes me want to take a machete to his larynx. And that something is.. the entire song. While he's singing about "sing a sad song just to turn it around", I'm dreaming of gouging his voicebox with a cleaver. So in a way, it's a very violent song.. at least for me.
48 - "Down With the Sickness" - Disturbed
With such poignant lyrics such as "You fucker get up, come on, get down with the sickness", it's a wonder how this one isn't an instant rock staple. There is so much wrong with this one, how do you begin. His bullshit howl at the beginning to disgustingly harsh on the ears. But it's not the lyrics or the pathetic howling and grunting in the intro, the coupe de grace of this song belongs to the "bridge" that features David Draiman whining and ranting like a lunatic about how mommy is a whore. Grow a pair and get over it, you assclown.
47 - "Baby, One More Time" - Britney Spears
The song that set off all this social and dysfunctional retardation.
46 - "I Want to Know What Love Is" - Foreigner
Whenever I hear this vomit-inducing chud of a song, I get one image in my head. A loser in high school who has a crush on this sweetheart. But she doesn't feel the same way. Desperate and heartbroken, the loser rides his bike to the girl's house with a boombox, blares this song standing on her lawn, and weeping like a little bitch. All the while, the girl is just thinking "Christ, what a loser". That moment is all encapsuled in this song to me.
45 - "How Can We Be Lovers (If We Can't Be Friends)" - Micheal Bolton
I'm pretty sure half of this hatred list could be comprised of Micheal Bolton songs. But I refrained and instead chose his absolute worst song. Much to my surprise, it was not the gag-reflexing cover of "When a Man Loves a Woman", nor the schmoozy "Love is a Wonderful Thing", and not even putrid excuse for a romantic song like "Time, Love, and Tenderness". Nope, "How Can We Be Lovers" surpasses them all with ease. From the throaty pukey vocals Bolton has become famous for to the gaggy whiny puppy dog lyrics, this song is absolutely horrible in every essence.
44 - "Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
This may be a karaoke favorite, but that doesn't make it a good song. Not in the least. This is the pinnacle of power ballads of the 80s. That is a pinnacle that no one should ever want. Congratulations, Journey. You guys suck some kind of bad.
43 - "Boys" - Britney Spears
Is there a Britney song that doesn't make me want to light my ears on fire? I submit no.
42 - "London Bridge" - Fergie
I believe this entry says all that needs to be said.
41 - "Oops, I Did it Again" - Britney Spears
This one has to be the worst, taking a slight lead seemingly only because of the flatulence construed title. Anyone else still find this song title hilarious?
40 - "Sweet Home Alabama" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
I love Skynyrd. But this song is quite possibly the most overplayed song in the history of music. You're bound to get absolutely sick of something if you have it too much. Honestly, I'd be content if I never heard this song again. Sorry Skynyrd, I'll stick with "Simple Man", "Call Me the Breeze", and "Mr. Saturday Night Special" for my Lynyrd fix, thanks.
39 - "Hey, Yah" - Outkast
All you need to know about this song is summed up in this memory. Driving around with Tim and Josh awhile back, Josh had put this CD in. We listened to it for a couple tracks and this one came on. All three of us groaned in pain at the same time. Tim takes the CD out of the player, opens his window, and heaves it out the window onto the highway. Josh was kind of in shock because he had just bought the CD. But I was relieved as hell. By the by, congratulations Andre 3000. You have one of the worst lyrics of all time: "Shake, shake, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture". Ass.
38 - "Danger Zone" - Kenny Loggins
The director of Top Gun wanted a pretty badass song to go with the renegade facade of the main character, Maverick. That's all well and good, but it's hard to sound badass with an electric drumset and a synthesizer. And it goes without saying, I guarantee you will never find a song that more embodies the 80s than this song.
37 - "Jump" - Van Halen
I hate Van Halen. Plain and simple. Don't ask me if I prefer Hagar or Roth because I'll tell you to fuck off. This song is the epitome of my hatred towards this band. Retarded and out of place synth line with a retarded as fuck chorus. "Might as well jump". No. Might as well throw flaming ninja stars at your colon. Die! How dare you ruin the Kinks' classic earlier in your career, you assholes!
36 - "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" - Wham
Ear cancer would put me in less pain.
35 - "Yah Mo B There" - Micheal McDonald
I'll take the quote from David on the 40-Year Old Virgin: "If I have to listen to 'Yah Mo B There' one more time, I'm gonna Yah Mo burn this place to the ground". I hate this guy. He thinks he's the last remaining crooner from the days of Wayne Newton and Robert Goulet and assclowns like that. Here's a tip: Yah mo die a painful death.
34 - "Rock and Roll, Part 2" aka: "The 'Hey' Song" - Gary Glitter
I want to know what Gary's thought process was for writing this song. "Here we go, I'll play some chords on this horridly appropriated synthesizer a couple times, then yell HEY! a couple of times. Then I'll repeat it in essence of 5 times. Ok, song written. Now time to look at my kiddie porn." Fuck off, Gary Glitter.
33 - "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice
I know what you're thinking. This song so low on the list? To be blatantly honest, the song doesn't make me want to stick firecrackers in my ears or even make me reach for a barf bag. Don't get me wrong, it's still an ungodly bad song. But the real reason behind my hatred for this song is that it very nearly destroyed the Bowie/Queen song "Under Pressure". If you play the intro to both songs, the average schmuck will think "Ice Ice Baby" before "Under Pressure". And that's the sum of my hatred towards this song.
32 - "Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson
Three words come to mind. Shut. Up. Now. Whine-pop princess screeches out a disgusting schlub of ear-stabbing misery. Please tell me I'm not the only person who notices that Clarkson is tone deaf when she wails out the chorus. It's so evident that I think this was actually done at a karaoke lounge. Ugh, this song is downright putrid.
31 - "Institutionalized" - Suicidal Tendencies
This song is absolutely hilarious. And then I learned that they made this song seriously. So I laughed even harder. The second verse gets me laughing so hard. "I'm ok, Mom. How about a Pepsi! And she's like 'You're on drugs!'. And I'm like 'No, I was just thinking! I just want a Pepsi!'. All I wanted was a Pepsi!" It's so abhoringly bad that I don't think there's any way they actually took themselves seriously when making this song. How could they have?
30 - "Picture" - Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
Defenders of the song say that it's an inventive song depicting two sides of the story. Haha, no I just made that up. There are no defenders of this song. At least none that will openly admit it due to the backlash they'll get.
29 - "Stand" - R.E.M.
As if Zeppelin, Weezer, and Skynyrd have proven thus far, even good bands can make terrible songs. REM has the presitigious honor of having the worst possible song from a pretty good band. There is nothing good about this song. The lyrics are retarded, vocals uninspired, even the whammy solo in the middle is boring and hokey. When the song ends, you sneer and think "What the hell was that?"
28 - "Territorial Pissings" - Nirvana
If you ever meet a Nirvana fan who loves this song, dropkick them in the spleen. Wait, let me fix that. If you ever meet a Nirvana fan, dropkick them in the spleen. I would rather have a root canal than listen to this song.
27 - "Hero" - Enrique Inglesias
I don't think a man could ever sound like more of a pussy than this guy singing this song.
26 - "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
The boat sank... LET IT GO!
25 - "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" - Rod Stewart
I can appreciate this song for the sheer irony. Rod Stewart, one of the unsexiest men ever (as so claimed by many a source, not by my own vindication), singing a song claiming that he's uber sex. Other than the irony and the hilarity, the song makes stomachs everywhere churn in disgust.
24 - "Adam's Song" - Blink 182
A month or so after this song was released as a single, they found a kid in Colorado had hung himself while playing this song on repeat through his stereo. Good. If any kid was so depressed they felt this song was close to them enough to commit suicide to, they would have never made it in the real world. This is the most pathetic "ballad" I've ever heard. Such 6th grade lyrics and 5th grade guitars, it's utterly ridiculous. So little talent. But that's the name of Blink's game: astoundingly little talent (sans Travis Barker, who's actually a pretty good drummer). To be fair, if I had to listen to this song on a loop, I'd probably hang myself too. Not because I was depressed, but because this song is unbelievably terrible.
23 - "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" - Culture Club
Yes, Boy George, we really, really want to hurt you. Really.
22 - "I'll Be There For You" - the Rembrants
Rob Paravonian makes my case.
21 - "Macarena" - Los del Rio
The song that inspired the absolute worst "dance" ever.
20 - "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
I guarantee this is the "our song" to every 3 week junior high relationship ever.
19 - "Rock Star" - Nickelback
If being a rock star has anything to do with Chad Kroeger, I don't want anything to do with it.
18 - "The Reason" - Hoobastank
Women say it's the most romantic song ever. Guys try to hold in their laughter.
17 - "Tubthumping" - Chumbawumba
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
IGETKNOCKEDDOWN
BUTIGETUPAGAIN
IGETKNOCKEDBUT
GETUPGAIN
IKNOCKBUTGETUP
KNOCKDOWN
UPAGAIN
KNOCKAGAIN
For the love of God and all that is holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
16 - "We Are the World" - USA for Africa
American recording artists are so pious they have to make a pity song for Africa. Between this song and Live Aid and Live 8, I think it's hilarious about how we're all concerned with Africa, but don't do a thing about it except create bad songs and have mass concerts for them. The African counsel even said after Live 8 "Give us money, not music!" Greedy asshole, but he has a point.
15 - "Cotton Eyed Joe" - Rednex
I swear this song will put me into a mental institution one day.
14 - "Drift Away" - Dobie Gray
...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
13 - "Bawitdaba" - Kid Rock
Just like "Trapped in the Closet" and "Institutionalized" before it, this song is so absolutely horrid that it's fucking hilarious. It's hard to sound badass when you're yelling out a word that you made up.
12 - "Barbie Girl" - Aqua
I think we all know who to blame for this. Mattel. If they had just said "No" when they asked for permission to use the name, we wouldn't have to suffer through this vile piece of barf.
11 - "Music" - Madonna
The chorus claims: "Music/makes the people/come together"
It should really be: "My music/makes the people/shoot their brains out".
Absolutely the worst part is the electronica part of the chorus where Madonna claims "Do you like my acid rock?".
Seriously, and I mean this with every fiber of my being, go die in a fire, Madonna.
10 - "With Arms Wide Open" - Creed
This song is about Scott Stapp's kid who was just born at the time. This poor kid is going to have a horrible life. Most of it will stem from him being the offspring of Scott Stapp. He'll greet his young, self-taken death "with arms wide open" too, Scott.
9 - "This is Our Country" - John Mellencamp
A Chevrolet spokesman walked up to John Mellencamp and asked him to make a song that sounds patriotic and unifying for their American made cars and trucks. Mellencamp responded with the most elementary lyrics and 9 year old level patriotism. And Chevy loved it for some reason, so much they decided to play it in EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL during sports season. This song actually has the opposite effect on me: I feel more and more bitterness toward this country every time I hear it. I'm seriously thinking about moving to Canada. At least they don't make bullshit corporate songs about patriotism in Canada.
8 - "MmmBop" - Hanson
Yep. That's about the size of it.
7 - "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie
Make no mistake about it, Fergie is the absolute worst person who ever has or ever will have a record contract.
6 - "Redneck Woman" - Gretchen Wilson
If there's one thing that's worse than white trash women, it's white trash women that are proud of it. And who's to blame for this reinstated pride? Gretchen Wilson.
5 - "Rollin'" - Limp Bizkit
Without a doubt, the absolute worst lyrics of all time. This song is like an abomination to all things music.
4 - "Who Let the Dogs Out" - Baha Men
What's worse than a bad song? One that becomes a nationwide sensation overnight to the point that it blares in stadiums and gets written on t-shirts. This one fits the bill adequately.
3 - "Butterfly" - Crazy Town
The bar has been lowered, baby!
2 - "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
Instead of linking to my uberrant on this song, I'm just going to copy/paste it here for re-emphasis.
Things to do with a time machine:
*Warn Lincoln not to go into Ford Theater.
*Kill Hitler and prevent WWII
*Stop the Black Eyed Peas from making "My Humps"
If you don't think the third one on that list is as important as the first two, you obviously haven't heard the song. The awesomely badness of that song rivals the assassination of a president and the beginning of a war in awesomely badness. The song is so bad, I think ear cancer would put me in less pain than listening to it.
It follows every major stereotype for a crappy rap song.
*Reference to big booty and big boobies? Check.
*Reference to bling bling and money and buying shit? Check.
*More than 12 references to sexual connotation? Check.
*Annoying as hell back beat? Check.
*Absence of creativity? Check.
*Repetition? Double-check.
*Obligatory female saying how sExY she is? Check.
Yep, this one more than qualifies for an annoying rap song.
But it's more than just an annoying rap song. This is like... the mother of all annoyances. I honestly think this can rival the likes of "Ice Ice Baby" and "We Built This City on Rock and Roll" as the worst songs of all freaking time. If not the worst song ever, you can certainly make the case. It's a rule that if a song has the word "Humps" in excess of 200 times, then it belongs on the Worst Songs Ever list. It was the worst song in the world to me after the first line. In fact, let's tackle this song line by line.
"Whatcha gonna do with all that junk. All that junk inside your trunk."
AWESOME. Not a shed of creativity there at all.
Why is that an acceptable lyric anyway? He's basically calling you a fat ass.
"I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump"
... Pardon?
For the record, the first time I heard it--and I actually still think it too--I don't think the word "humps" is the best euphemism for ass. That's down the list of things I think of when I hear "humps". First thing I think of is a camel. Then I think of a person with a humpback. Then I think Quasimoto. And I think we can all agree that a back hump is NOT sexy. So getting "love drunk off my hump" sounds extremely disturbing in that scenario.
"My hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump
My lovely lady lumps"
SHUT UP, Quasimoto! Halfway through that, I just have a knee-jerk reaction to hit the skip button.
"I drive these brothers crazy
I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely
They buy me all these icies."
Whore.
...Skip down a bit...
"I mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky, milky cocoa puff
I mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky, milky, riiiiiight"
After that innuendo, I can never have Cocoa Puffs again. Bastards.
"They say I’m really sexy
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me
Always dancing next to me
Tryin’ to feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
You can look but you can’t touch it,
If you touch it I'ma start some drama"
Start some drama? Call the police, you dumbshit! That's a little thing called sexual assault. Soon, she'll be gagged and tied up with her throat slit in the back of a trunk with her underwear down around her feet. Yeah... "start some drama". That'll solve it.
1 - "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper
This is the one: the song that makes me regret ever being born with ears. The song that makes me envy the deaf. The song that makes grown men weep. This is easily #1.