Parental Advisory.
I have a chance to see kids everyday. That usually translates into me having thoughts about throwing heavy objects at kids. With all my somewhat anti-children sentiments in the past, I'm sure everyone is under the assumption that I don't want kids of my own one day. And to those people I say ... Nay. I have an idea very much so on how my kids will be. My kids are going to kick ass. Being a parent will kick ass. Here are 5 reasons why:
1) My kids will ROCK!
My kids will be rockers at a very young age. I want to have a baptism ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They'll know the story of Led Zeppelin before they even go to kindergarten. I want my kid's first words to be "Tom Morello". I wonder if they still make AC/DC lunchboxes. As infants, fuck that pissy little lullaby CD. Nope, my babies will be soothed to sleep by Master of Puppets. First grade report on the history of Soundgarden. Hells yes!
2) Pinstripes run in the blood
It's so hard being a Yankee fan living in Red Sox country. How do I discuss the team so freely? Well, if I produce mini me's, we'll swarm and be a band of Yankee merrymen living just to annoy the Red Sox douchebags. We will snicker at them for their losses and high five when we win. Oh, it'll be good to actually have another Yankee fan to watch with, even if it is my own spawn.
3) Being THAT parent in the neighborhood
I look forward to the day when I get a phone call from my kid's friend's mom. I imagine the conversation going like this:
Me: Hello?
Parent: Hi, this is Peggy Miller, Mark's mother.
Me: Oh, that's Douchebag's friend. What can I do for you?
Parent: Well it seems when ... Douchebag... ... am I saying that right? Anyway, it seems that when he was over here earlier, he and Mark were playing today in the sandbox. And little Douchebag thought it would be funny to knock over Mark's sand castle and dump a bucket of sand on his head.
Me: Really?... That's my boy!
Parent: E... Excuse me? Mark has been crying all afternoon trying to get all the sand out of his hair.
Me: Well, maybe your son shouldn't be such a pussy.
Oh, how I look forward to that conversation.
4) I will OWN them at EVERYTHING
I'm a competitive being by nature. And I'm pretty sure I'll pass that onto my children. So we'll always be embroiled in some sort of game. But while most parents would be nice and boost the child's self esteem by letting them win a couple times, I'm going to put the pedal to the metal in everything we do. Mortal Kombat? I'll get 19 straight flawless victories. HAH! Why are you selecting Johnny Cage, son, he sucks! Fine, it's your funeral. Basketball in the driveway? What are you thinking, son! You can't leave the lane open, I'll drive on you every single time. Come on, pick up the hustle, I'm kicking your ass 53 - 2. Madden? Ok, I'll tell you. It's going to be a running play. OH WAIT! NO IT'S NOT! LaDanian Tomlinson just threw a touchdown on your ass! Play a little defense, son! Come on, you have to beat the 50 point spread I put on your ass. Get with the program!! ... Someday the kids will get tired of losing so they'll step up their game. But I ain't giving them a break at nothing until then. When they do decide to play at my level, I'll be proud as fuck when they beat me. Then I'll bitch slap them and tell them never to do it again.
5) Automatic Scapegoat
You can get away when you have kids. Observe...
"Who ate the pie on the table?" ... The kids.
"Who put all the DVDs in the wrong box?" ... The kids.
"Where is that 20 dollars that was in my purse?" ... The kids took it.
Meanwhile, I would have had some tasty pie and made mischief by disorganizing the DVDs for hilarity value. But I didn't steal 20 bucks. Because that's not cool, no sir, that really WAS the kids. Heh.. .. heh. Sure it was.
So there you have it. 5 good reasons to look forward to parenthood. But as much as I've said here, I sure can definitely wait a substantial amount of time for that day to come. But when it does, I'll have myself a rocking, Yankee-loving scapegoat that I can 0wn at everything. Huzzahs all around!
1) My kids will ROCK!
My kids will be rockers at a very young age. I want to have a baptism ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They'll know the story of Led Zeppelin before they even go to kindergarten. I want my kid's first words to be "Tom Morello". I wonder if they still make AC/DC lunchboxes. As infants, fuck that pissy little lullaby CD. Nope, my babies will be soothed to sleep by Master of Puppets. First grade report on the history of Soundgarden. Hells yes!
2) Pinstripes run in the blood
It's so hard being a Yankee fan living in Red Sox country. How do I discuss the team so freely? Well, if I produce mini me's, we'll swarm and be a band of Yankee merrymen living just to annoy the Red Sox douchebags. We will snicker at them for their losses and high five when we win. Oh, it'll be good to actually have another Yankee fan to watch with, even if it is my own spawn.
3) Being THAT parent in the neighborhood
I look forward to the day when I get a phone call from my kid's friend's mom. I imagine the conversation going like this:
Me: Hello?
Parent: Hi, this is Peggy Miller, Mark's mother.
Me: Oh, that's Douchebag's friend. What can I do for you?
Parent: Well it seems when ... Douchebag... ... am I saying that right? Anyway, it seems that when he was over here earlier, he and Mark were playing today in the sandbox. And little Douchebag thought it would be funny to knock over Mark's sand castle and dump a bucket of sand on his head.
Me: Really?... That's my boy!
Parent: E... Excuse me? Mark has been crying all afternoon trying to get all the sand out of his hair.
Me: Well, maybe your son shouldn't be such a pussy.
Oh, how I look forward to that conversation.
4) I will OWN them at EVERYTHING
I'm a competitive being by nature. And I'm pretty sure I'll pass that onto my children. So we'll always be embroiled in some sort of game. But while most parents would be nice and boost the child's self esteem by letting them win a couple times, I'm going to put the pedal to the metal in everything we do. Mortal Kombat? I'll get 19 straight flawless victories. HAH! Why are you selecting Johnny Cage, son, he sucks! Fine, it's your funeral. Basketball in the driveway? What are you thinking, son! You can't leave the lane open, I'll drive on you every single time. Come on, pick up the hustle, I'm kicking your ass 53 - 2. Madden? Ok, I'll tell you. It's going to be a running play. OH WAIT! NO IT'S NOT! LaDanian Tomlinson just threw a touchdown on your ass! Play a little defense, son! Come on, you have to beat the 50 point spread I put on your ass. Get with the program!! ... Someday the kids will get tired of losing so they'll step up their game. But I ain't giving them a break at nothing until then. When they do decide to play at my level, I'll be proud as fuck when they beat me. Then I'll bitch slap them and tell them never to do it again.
5) Automatic Scapegoat
You can get away when you have kids. Observe...
"Who ate the pie on the table?" ... The kids.
"Who put all the DVDs in the wrong box?" ... The kids.
"Where is that 20 dollars that was in my purse?" ... The kids took it.
Meanwhile, I would have had some tasty pie and made mischief by disorganizing the DVDs for hilarity value. But I didn't steal 20 bucks. Because that's not cool, no sir, that really WAS the kids. Heh.. .. heh. Sure it was.
So there you have it. 5 good reasons to look forward to parenthood. But as much as I've said here, I sure can definitely wait a substantial amount of time for that day to come. But when it does, I'll have myself a rocking, Yankee-loving scapegoat that I can 0wn at everything. Huzzahs all around!