Day?
So... I told my diet to go fuck itself today. That isn't to say that I sat down and ate a bucket of ice cream or something, but I did eat normally. I decided that all the hype was for nothing. I lost 4 pounds... I am sure by not eating a lot of white bread and sugar that would begin to happen anyway. Whatever. So I am a big fat failure, yay me.
I have been really moody the past two days. Dunno if it was the diet or my impending cycle or what. Doesn't matter, the end result is the same. I am feeling pretty lame and depressed.
Last night I woke Ian up at 11:30 to yell and cry at him because he had a drink and a cigarette on the porch with his friend. I felt like he didn't even try... especially since I have been fighting my own battle with cravings this past week. What do I know how hard it is? I went to sleep feeling pretty much like I had no idea what he wanted out of life. I often feel like he is two people, one with me and one with other people. It is really hard for to me balance that, especially since I didn't know him pre-me. I just don't understand. I guess I have this unrealistic expectation that I should be able to inspire him to do ANYTHING. I am just not that magical, no one is.
This morning I woke up to find he had already left for Oak and Thora's roofing party, and he was no where to be found. Also when I called him he told me he couldn't leave. This led to another round of me feeling pretty much inadequate and un-special. Thora came to pick me up and I hang out all day trying to battle with myself. This is when I decided the diet was not worth the trouble and proceeded to eat normally. Sadly my stomach was not happy with my choice... or the guilt soured the food. I proceeded to feel ill. I had a reasonably OK time considering the circumstances. We went to the lake after the work and had a lovely BBQ. We came home and had a glass of wine and went to bed. I gave Ian a massage and he promptly feel asleep. Understandable, but not exactly the result I was hoping for.
So now I am sitting here pondering men, and how I effect them.
That cannot end well.
In the beginning I have this amazing ability to inspire emotions of pure love and worship. I am perfect in their eyes, complete with all my faults and foibles. I am beautiful, irresistible, exotic and tempting. I can inspire them to heights they would have previously not reached for on their own. I make them feel special and wonderful. Perfect in their own right.
Too bad it all wears off... either after they have me... or after they realize they can't. I can count off several times this has happened and the result to me every time is devastating.
To be a fad that someone gets over. To be a passing fancy. To have dear male friends that lift you up on a glorious pedestal, only to push you off when they find a newer, shinier toy. To have men that confess undying love and adoration bore of you. To watch as they begin to hate the things they found 'cute' and want to change who you are to suit their fancy. To have the words "I love you" become as meaningless as "pass the salt please." The slow drag of mediocrity dulling the razor edge of lust, inspiration... passion.
I live in that constant state of extremes. I ALWAYS want. I ALWAYS need. I am a mirror that casts back what I am given. They ARE perfect as long as they STRIVE to be, as long as they give back what they are given.
No one loves that much for that long.
This last relationship is the most terrifying to me. I live on the edge of my seat, waiting, waiting to fall. That stomach twisting feeling clutching hold every time I see a shadow of the past brush by. I KNOW he loves me, but for some strange reason I don't feel worthy of it. I watch as his drive slips/my inspiration fails... as he tries a little less each day/I try a little harder... I wait for the inevitable.
I just keep expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream.
That I am alone.
I have been really moody the past two days. Dunno if it was the diet or my impending cycle or what. Doesn't matter, the end result is the same. I am feeling pretty lame and depressed.
Last night I woke Ian up at 11:30 to yell and cry at him because he had a drink and a cigarette on the porch with his friend. I felt like he didn't even try... especially since I have been fighting my own battle with cravings this past week. What do I know how hard it is? I went to sleep feeling pretty much like I had no idea what he wanted out of life. I often feel like he is two people, one with me and one with other people. It is really hard for to me balance that, especially since I didn't know him pre-me. I just don't understand. I guess I have this unrealistic expectation that I should be able to inspire him to do ANYTHING. I am just not that magical, no one is.
This morning I woke up to find he had already left for Oak and Thora's roofing party, and he was no where to be found. Also when I called him he told me he couldn't leave. This led to another round of me feeling pretty much inadequate and un-special. Thora came to pick me up and I hang out all day trying to battle with myself. This is when I decided the diet was not worth the trouble and proceeded to eat normally. Sadly my stomach was not happy with my choice... or the guilt soured the food. I proceeded to feel ill. I had a reasonably OK time considering the circumstances. We went to the lake after the work and had a lovely BBQ. We came home and had a glass of wine and went to bed. I gave Ian a massage and he promptly feel asleep. Understandable, but not exactly the result I was hoping for.
So now I am sitting here pondering men, and how I effect them.
That cannot end well.
In the beginning I have this amazing ability to inspire emotions of pure love and worship. I am perfect in their eyes, complete with all my faults and foibles. I am beautiful, irresistible, exotic and tempting. I can inspire them to heights they would have previously not reached for on their own. I make them feel special and wonderful. Perfect in their own right.
Too bad it all wears off... either after they have me... or after they realize they can't. I can count off several times this has happened and the result to me every time is devastating.
To be a fad that someone gets over. To be a passing fancy. To have dear male friends that lift you up on a glorious pedestal, only to push you off when they find a newer, shinier toy. To have men that confess undying love and adoration bore of you. To watch as they begin to hate the things they found 'cute' and want to change who you are to suit their fancy. To have the words "I love you" become as meaningless as "pass the salt please." The slow drag of mediocrity dulling the razor edge of lust, inspiration... passion.
I live in that constant state of extremes. I ALWAYS want. I ALWAYS need. I am a mirror that casts back what I am given. They ARE perfect as long as they STRIVE to be, as long as they give back what they are given.
No one loves that much for that long.
This last relationship is the most terrifying to me. I live on the edge of my seat, waiting, waiting to fall. That stomach twisting feeling clutching hold every time I see a shadow of the past brush by. I KNOW he loves me, but for some strange reason I don't feel worthy of it. I watch as his drive slips/my inspiration fails... as he tries a little less each day/I try a little harder... I wait for the inevitable.
I just keep expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream.
That I am alone.